Post Puerto Rico

I am going to post about our fun time in Puerto Rico as soon as I get the pics edited which is taking longer than expected thanks to new Windows 8 software.  I got some really good pictures so I am looking forward to posting.  Stand by!

Meanwhile, I am processing some difficult emotions and struggling as I do so.  I have a hard time allowing myself to just feel without some sort of analysis or logical rationalization of why I really shouldn't feel this way.  It hasn't served me well in the past and now that I'm aware of it, I'll catch myself at it but somehow am not able to stop berating myself about how I shouldn't feel this way.  Drives me nuts.

Now that I'm home from our Puerto Rico trip, the loss of nursing has hit me hard and taken me by surprise because while on the trip, I thought I was handling it pretty well.  Sometimes it would hit me when I would see a baby or see one nursing but I was still okay so I thought, "Hey, I did my grieving up front before the weaning."  Or so I thought.

These first days back have been upsetting to both D. and I.  Monday morning he became so angry and upset with me because we weren't sitting down to nurse in the morning and it just broke my heart.  Yesterday he was okay first thing in the morning but then after breakfast, instead of puttering around happily, he got upset and cried for awhile.  This morning was better but still we struggle to find/create a new morning routine.  We can't go into my room and read books and snuggle in the rocking chair because he associates that with nursing.  We go downstairs but he doesn't want milk in a cup and it's not a good snuggle place for just the two of us, with I. coming downstairs for a snack and the cats milling around for breakfast.  So we continue the struggle for a suitable substitution.  Neither one of us feels satisfied that we have gotten "together time" before we head back into their bedroom to do I.'s hair.  As a result, we both feel cranky and off-center like something is missing.  That's exactly what it is too; something is definitely missing.

I feel as though I'm having an identity crisis.  I don't feel special any more.  When I was pregnant, I felt special.  I had a human being growing inside of me and only I could experience him moving and feel what was going on with him.  Then he was born and for almost 19 months, I was the only one who could nurse him, who could give him sustenance in this way.   Special didn't mean I was better than anyone, it just meant that I had additional powers, super powers you might say.  It gave me a reason to really take care of myself, to take all my vitamins and milk producing herbs and eat healthy to pass on nutrients to D. to help him grow and be healthy.  Now to be honest, I feel like, "Why bother?"  I mean, it's just me.  I'm not passing on anything to anybody anymore.  I know that's not a healthy thought but it's my thought process right now.  I feel like I went from being one of a kind and special to just the "other parent".  Anything I can do these days, V. could do.  It's as though I had a Platinum card before but had to turn it in for the regular card just like any old Joe Schmo.

My mother half jokingly said today that I should be on an anti-depressant but I think this falls under what Dr. Laura says, "I can't fix normal."  I think grieving at this time is normal.  I know with I. I grieved but the fact that she initiated it and didn't look back made my grief pass more quickly.  Feeling as though I'm withholding from D. that which he knows I could give him adds to my grief exponentially.  Right now the freedom that I have now been afforded is in indirect proportion to the sadness and loss I am feeling. 

Hopefully each day will get a little better.

Kind of Surreal

It's been almost 2 years since I was in my home without children.  Sometimes it feels longer than that but when I concentrate on certain moments it feels like it was last week.  Regardless it feels strange, empty.

The memory that comes up the most today is when V. and I were at the specialized prenatal doctor for our ultrasound and they told us that our baby was a boy.  The surge of excitement, surprise and wonder was unbelievable.  It was in the top days of my life, the others being when I discovered I. was growing inside of me, when I realized D. was growing inside of me and when both our children were born. 

While nursing him this morning for the last time, we enjoyed humor at certain body functions and he gave me love in the form of nestling his cheek against my breast several times.  We relaxed and then chuckled at the body functions that appeared during our feeding.  I caught myself crying but thought it would be better to just enjoy and cherish instead.

Driving to my parents this afternoon  I looked back at D. with his El Torito crown on and was struck by how cute he truly is.  His little smile, his wanting to clap with me, and his love of music makes me happy.  Picking I. up at school, she was so happy, bounding in with excitement, giving love to her brother, I have tasked her with giving comfort to her brother and showing him extra love for his first separation from V. and me.

I picked up some peppermint oil supposedly to help with reducing milk production.  I really want this trip to be one of fun and relaxation for both V. and I but if I'm full of milk, it's not going to happen.  The rest I'll leave up to God.

I am praying for easy, relaxed, fun times for V. and I.  It's been awhile that we've been able to cut loose, especially me and I'm hoping that I will be able to relax and be ready for some fun!

Last Nursing Eve

It's really here and I feel as though I'm in denial.  Or maybe it's something else.  There's a lot swirling around these days and it's a bit confusing trying to muddle and identify what I'm feeling.

This morning while I was nursing D., I got teary eyed as I realized this was our second to the last nursing.  I've been trying to enjoy each nursing rather than a depressing countdown but today it was hard.  I caught myself and pulled it together since D. was watching me and I truly wanted to enjoy our time together.

He was frustrated after a time with the first side, probably a slow down issue, but was pretty content on the second side.  He relaxed and happily drank while his cold hand made its way to its usual place within my pajama top and into my armpit.  Sweet torture.  Then my stomach started making noises which entertains D. to no end and after each eruption, he'd pop off and say, "Uuuhhh?"  That's my cue to imitate the noise which results in a grin and chuckle from D. and then he tries to push gas out in response.  He is definitely all boy - I. would never have thought of that!   After every 2 or 3 imitations, I am rewarded by him raising his head up and putting his cheek against my breast for a snuggle and a kiss from Momma.  It's really special. 

I know from experience that these special times will still exist, just differently.  Even though my head knows it, my heart still doesn't trust this point and it makes me infinitely sad.  I just can't imagine not  nursing D.  It's been almost 19 months and there were so many hardships and times where others were saying we needed to possibly stop but we soldiered on yet here we are at the end of this road, not the road.  I'm correcting my thinking as I type.

As I gave D. a bath tonight I enjoyed his open mouthed wonder as I poured water out of a cup and washed him, feeling his bare smooth skin under my hands.  This being our last bath until Sunday, I had a horrible thought of what might happen if something bad happened to us and this was our last bath ever.  And that he would never remember me.  My anxiety is higher than normal.  As a mom of 2 young kids, I think I always have a low level of constant anxiety especially since V. has such a demanding job.  But when you bring into the mix a first time trip away from D., coupled with a simultaneous weaning, it ramps up my anxiety to another level.  I have been stuffing it down with details and packing and excitement for the trip but at some time I have to admit, it's still there.  That's when the pleading prayers come in. 

Tomorrow night may be a tough one.  I'll have taken the kids to my parents' house in the late afternoon and V. won't be home until 10:15.  Since I have to get up at 3:45 or so, I'll be wanting to go to bed earlier than normal and keep to my normal nighttime schedule to help that happen .  Yet that will mean I'll be home with no kids and dealing with my nursing D. and anyone else being over for good.  Lots of storms all swirling at the same time doesn't make for a good scene.  Just had a thought though.  My friend from music class tomorrow is going to lunch with a crazy-ish friend who we talked about last week and maybe after she gets her daughter down we can download on that get together which would help distract me tomorrow night.  It's something to contemplate.

Mother's Intuition

This weekend was a no-go for weaning.  There was no ifs, ands, or buts about it - D. was not interested in a milk cup and despite eating huge amounts of breakfast, he still wanted his momma's milk.   Sunday while I was working out at the gym, I was mulling things around in my brain.  Exercise has always been good for mental constipation.  If something needs to be worked out, get me exercising with no one talking to me and I'll figure it out.

A plan that I had quickly dismissed about a month ago came back to mind and I gave it some thought.  Took D.'s recent reactions to weaning into account and my own feelings and the plan now just felt right.  Talked out the pros and cons in my head and I just knew this was the right plan for us.  "Right plan" being the easiest on D. and maximizing my nursing time with him.  So I decided that I am going to continue nursing him in the morning right up to that last morning I am here.  The next morning he'll be waking up at my parents' house with his sister and it will be fun, fun, fun plus a dog (or in D.'s mind A DOG).  Momma's milk, well Momma's not here so why would I be getting her milk may very well be his thought in the morning, or perhaps I may not even cross his mind. 

A change in scenery may make it okay.  More importantly, I don't want D. to be upset, sad, confused, and angry with me because I am withholding that which he knows I can provide and that he desperately wants.  I don't want him to have those negative feelings and feel that separation pain from me and then on top of it, I'm gone.  I want this last week to be one of closeness, love, snuggling, and security - that is how I want us to go out.  You always want to go out on a high note not on one of disappointment.  Today I passed it by my mom  since she will be the one handling D. while V. and I are gone.  She immediately agreed and thought that would be the least upsetting D. which eased my mind. 

Now I need to try not to do the countdown each morning while nursing but just to concentrate on enjoying every moment of it.  And by "the countdown" I mean grieving as the days whittle by.  It's going to be hard.

Only Child Insight

I read an interesting blog on the NY Times tonight about an only child.  I won't go into the whole article but two sentences caught my attention and made me say, "Yep, that's right." 

"Only children are experts at understanding what adults want....The parental mirror of acceptance has been reflecting back all their lives."

It made me think about how I was raised and how in most ways it was great but in some ways it accelerated my development and made me grow up fast emotionally.  Taking on responsibility way ahead of time and being treated as an adult before I should have been.  I think it's made me feel more responsible for things than I should be.  I shouldn't have felt responsible to fix my sister.  I shouldn't have felt responsible to rescue my brother.  I shouldn't have been the only shoulder for my parents to cry (and collapse) upon.

Things are different now, healthier, but I can see as my children need me to help them learn how to deal with emotions that the damage is there.  I struggle with things that I suspect other mothers deal with handily.  That which confounds me as a mostly "only" is natural to a child with siblings. When your siblings start appearing when you are 13, you've lost most of the siblings lessons especially when you are encouraged to be a second mother. 

Good side of all this is that I really don't feel any guilt or obligation about leaving my kids with my parents.  After all those weekly date nights and anniversary weekends that they took not to mention all the other babysitting I did while my mom did errands, I have no problem asking them to take I. and now D. for a few days.  And that's a positive thing.

Weaning Pain

Still agonizing how to best move into a nursing free world for D. and I.  We're down to one nursing, the first thing in the morning one.  I thought that the weekend would be the easiest since V. can get him up and feed him a huge breakfast of eggs, cheese, and bread.  I was hoping that I could just kind of slide in with a cup of milk (cow that is) with perhaps a chaser of breast milk. 

Well no doing.  As soon as D. saw me coming down the stairs he ran over with his arms outstretched to pick him up and when I took him upstairs and offered the cup of milk, he rejected it and insisted on being nursed.  This does not bode well.

The hard part is that I am not mentally 100% into this.  I don't want to cut him off or deny him.  But I also don't want to just leave for the Puerto Rico and have him dealing with both the recent loss of nursing in addition to his momma gone for the first time in his life.

There is no book on how to wean, the least painful way.  There should be. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the weekend.  Tonight I took half of the herbs that I've been taking for bolstering my milk supply.  Even that passive move at possibly reducing my supply breaks my heart.  I just don't know how to do it any other way.  I think my milk has already been reduced over this week because D. has been frustrated and angry at certain times during our morning feeding.

It just breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do.  Just cut him off abruptly?   I was trying not to but after this morning I don't think being subtle is going to work.  However, maybe stopping the herbs and pray for the best will help to taper things off more smoothly.  I don't know.

Here is another one of those mother mysteries that no one talks about, sheds light on and so we all stumble through painfully.  There is a part of me that wants to eliminate the uncertainty and pain that mothers experience about these first time life events.  With I., she weaned me at 12 months so there was no stumbling and bumbling and trying to figure things out.  It was done, just done and I had no say in it.  At the time I thought nothing was more painful than that.  Now that I've been on the other side, the side of "we have to get this done", it's much more guilt laden than my previous experience.  My plan now is to eliminate the herbs rather than go cold turkey but knowing the consequences of that makes me sad nonetheless.

So amazingly sad. 

Conflicting Emotions

All day I was painfully aware that D.'s bedtime was approaching and with that, our first bedtime without nursing.  It was a good day - swimming class together which we enjoy so much and some playtime and snuggling before afternoon rest time.  He enjoyed his bath (as always) and then we were at the moment in time when we sit down in the rocking chair and nurse as the light grows dimmer and dimmer.

Except tonight it was milk in a sippy cup.  Thankfully he didn't balk at it probably because he's been enjoying milk in a sippy cup at rest time.  Plus I made sure he was holding his blanky which is his version of I.'s baby bear.  We sat in the rocking chair with him lying sideways up against me and since he wanted to hold the cup, I was able to wrap both of my arms around him holding him tight.  First I went through what we did today and what was fun about it and then I sang to him for another 10 minutes.  We looked up at the trees in the window moving in the breeze and watched the light as it grew dim.  I felt twinges of sadness but pushed them away and just enjoyed our closeness, thankful for my usual bundle of nonstop motion allowing me to hold him so tightly and for so long.  I took the milk and then finished with the same 3 songs that I sing him at naptime and rest time and by then he was completely relaxed and his eyes were struggling to stay open.  When I put him in his crib, he just laid on his stomach still holding his blanky and went to sleep.

My emotions are so conflicted.  I am so relieved and happy that he didn't cry, he just took it in stride without looking back.  I have been praying for God to give him comfort and that he would not be sad.  Of course, I prayed for the same exact things for myself.  I am so thankful that he feels soothed by me, not just my breast, that I can make him relax and sleepy just by holding him and singing to him.  He felt secure and warm and loved enough to accept the change and fall asleep.  That knowledge fills me with joy.  It makes me feel like as a mother, I am doing right by him and that I am giving him a really great start in life to build upon.

But the joy is mixed in with a huge dose of sadness and I have to stop after almost every sentence I write to cry a little more into a tissue.  This is the road D. and I have been on together for 18 months (today!) and it was not an easy road many times but I was not going to give up though there were so many physically painful moments plus others pressuring me/suggesting to me to go to bottle feeding.  I'm glad for my stubbornness (maybe one day I'll be glad for I.'s stubbornness?!) because it allowed us to get all the way down this road.  And while it is so hard to be standing at almost the end of the road, because we still have our wake up nursing for another couple of weeks, if I turn around and look at the road we have travelled and the tender, beautiful memories that I will always have and have written about in this blog for posterity, it's worth the sadness now.  It doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes it worth it.