Tonight was most likely the last night I nursed D. at his bedtime. I quietly watched him, his perfect "latch" that took so long to get to; the way his eyes rolled back a little and then after a time, his eyelids closed slowly as he relaxed; the sound of him swallowing after feeling the strong tug of his mouth; and the hit of oxytocin that flooded through my body soon after he started nursing. I let him suckle tonight long after I normally would have let him just cherishing the moment and realizing that this would be the last time I he fell asleep on my breast. It feels so wrong that I know this fact and he doesn't.
As I nursed him I prayed for comfort for myself and D. during this transition and especially that D. would be secure in my love and physical affection for him. Being a mother breaks your heart in small pieces over and over again until (and this I'm speaking of with future hope) those broken pieces mend in the form of a happy, adult child who still really loves you.
I chose tomorrow as opposed to today or yesterday to kick off the bedtime weaning. One, I wanted the daytime to be a day unto D. and I. I wanted it to be a day where it was mostly just he and I by ourselves so that I could snuggle with him, WAIT!
Tomorrow is our music class and then our friends will be coming over to talk and play which means I will be socializing with the mom while the kids play. That doesn't give me the one on one time to be with D. so tonight will not be the final bedtime feeding. Probably tomorrow night because Wednesday will be just one on one time with D.
The other consideration is that on that first night of adjustment, I just want to be able to walk out of the bedroom, where hopefully D. is not crying, and go straight downstairs to the shower to cry for as long as I need to without any witnesses, ie. V. If V. is around I'm going to feel a need to keep it together and what I'm going to feel a need for is to let it all hang out. Not necessarily an ugly cry but I will be coming out of the shower with some red eyes.
I think about how I felt when Mark died and going through this process with D. While the pain when Mark died was so deep and long lasting, the pain of separating physically from D. is just as deep but is stretched out over time. It's like ripping the band aid off all at once and feeling the immediate pain as it heals vs. slowly tearing the band aid off little by little, recognizing the pain a dozen times, lightening hot pain but fast, then healing and then repeating it over and over again. I think about how I. weaned me at a year abruptly and how depressed I was for that week but once we reconnected in different ways, it was all good again. And I look at weaning with D. and I'd have to say hands down that this experience has been more traumatic on both sides. I. deciding made it so much easier on both of us. There was no guilt on my part, just me coming to terms with her decision.
Today was already a strange day for us. I got D. down late because it was 2nd quarter awards this morning for I. so he fell asleep at 9:20, about 20-30 minutes later than normal. He usually sleeps 1.5-2 hours but by 12:25, I started thinking the worst so I opened the door and it woke him up. It must be all the teeth that are coming in at one time and the fact that he's up at 4:45/5 am. Anyways, instead of a morning nap and an afternoon rest, it was a trip to the grocery store, play with Mommy, and play outside before getting I. from school. No afternoon rest time for D. or me. On the days that we don't have late morning activities, this may become the norm but today, our first, it was strange though I did enjoy it because I not only got quite a bit done in the morning, many hours of the afternoon was dedicated to just D. and I.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Where Has The Month Gone?
Tomorrow is the last day of January and I swear we just got back home from our Idyllwild vacation. How is it that time goes by so fast? I don't know if it's a function of my age or the fact that I have two young children. Regardless, I try to cherish each of the small, good moments and try to forget all those trying moments.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Loss
While nursing ,I have not been reading on my Kindle for the last few weeks and I won't for the rest of my nursing future, just enjoying the last days of D.'s nursing days. Watching D.'s jaws working at sucking, his relaxation while nursing, and my realization that nourishing him at my breast is approaching its end makes me so sad. When you know it's your last baby and you are directing the weaning, you cherish these moments.
Saw one of my longtime guy friends on the news and it gave me a twinge. Still trying to process being dumped from my closest guy friends. One dead and the other two alive but may as well be dead. After I had I. but V. was still gone so much, they were still around. But now that D. is here and V. is around more, they are totally gone. Neither of them have met D. which hurts me and only one of them saw me while was pregnant with D. If I'm being honest, I feel betrayed, left behind. It brings up old emotions of being left here to deal with everything but I realize changes have happened, to the better of me.
Still I have to admit, those old stirrings come up. Was thinking of my old days when I was trying to be successful in the man's world which basically I was existing in both personally and professionally. I was successful but that was because I shut off any female responses and was one of the guys. Once I had children, that wasn't completely possible for me and I think that changed things.
I'm no longer sassy and sarcastic. I can be funny and feisty but I don't have that same edge to my humor. I was a fighter before, now I am a lover. I don't have to pretend not to feel anymore, I don't have to deny my true feelings. All that denial of emotions and the "I'm tough, can't knock me down" bravado had exhausted my reserves after about 7 years. It left me bankrupt and with nothing to fall back on when the truly tough times hit. My guy friends were there but what I didn't realize is that as soon as my bravado had truly faded away, maybe I wasn't so interesting to them anymore or maybe I just reminded them of another mom/wife which they already had.
I think I finally reached a point where I'm done. I understand that despite that they say they will call me, let's get together for lunch, etc. it's not going to happen. It's been a one way street for too long and frankly, I've allowed it to bruise my feelings for too long as it is. If they were true friends this would not have happened. If Mark was still alive, we would still be friends on equal footing. For the first time in the past 2 years, I feel a small warmth of peace down deep and I know I'm ready to move on.
Saw one of my longtime guy friends on the news
Still I have to admit, those old stirrings come up. Was thinking of my old days when I was trying to be successful in the man's world which basically I was existing in both personally and professionally. I was successful but that was because I shut off any female responses and was one of the guys. Once I had children, that wasn't completely possible for me and I think that changed things.
I'm no longer sassy and sarcastic. I can be funny and feisty but I don't have that same edge to my humor. I was a fighter before, now I am a lover. I don't have to pretend not to feel anymore, I don't have to deny my true feelings. All that denial of emotions and the "I'm tough, can't knock me down" bravado had exhausted my reserves after about 7 years. It left me bankrupt and with nothing to fall back on when the truly tough times hit. My guy friends were there but what I didn't realize is that as soon as my bravado had truly faded away, maybe I wasn't so interesting to them anymore or maybe I just reminded them of another mom/wife which they already had.
I think I finally reached a point where I'm done. I understand that despite that they say they will call me, let's get together for lunch, etc. it's not going to happen. It's been a one way street for too long and frankly, I've allowed it to bruise my feelings for too long as it is. If they were true friends this would not have happened. If Mark was still alive, we would still be friends on equal footing. For the first time in the past 2 years, I feel a small warmth of peace down deep and I know I'm ready to move on.
Reality Shows
I never used to be a fan of reality shows and I still think they aren't the best quality shows out there yet some of them have made it onto my watching list in sneaky ways.
The first one was Dog Whisperer. I first saw this show during a marathon of it when V. and I were in Idyllwild in December 2005 when I. was less than 2 months old. I was nursing her constantly and it was cold outside so we were spending a lot of time indoors and stumbled on this show. Being a dog lover, I immediately took to it and was hooked.
That led to Meerkat Manor on the Discovery Channel which V. and I laughed at the narrated story line which turned the life of meerkats into almost a tragic soap opera of sorts. Cat From Hell we stumbled on at home and while we're not hooked, having 2 cats at home make it enjoyable for us to watch it here and there. Being the hecklers that we are, American Idol and X Factor are both shows we enjoy though we grumble at the weekly time commitment during their seasons. They are shows that we do enjoy together though. Another Idyllwild dirty pleasure, this one happening in December 2010 when I was pregnant with D. was Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Truly we reached new lows with this show. It was entertaining to us though and probably just made us feel more put together than those screwed up "famous" people. You know, that validation of "we may not be rich nor famous but at least we're not screwed up". Pathetic but probably true. And Millionaire Matchmaker. I do enjoy this show. This show I got hooked on the first night with D. in the hospital. V. had gone home to collapse and there I was with D. next to me in our room and they were having a marathon of Millionaire Matchmaker and I liked it. To me it's entertaining and also makes me SO glad that I'm not out there single and looking 'cause it's downright scary at least at my age.
Lastly, a confession - I do watch some of the Real Housewives. Mostly I see that having money, a huge house, and a upscale zip code does not equal happiness. Usually it equals the direct opposite.
So while I admit to watching some reality shows, I try to come away with a lesson of sorts. I may not be glamorous enough or be famous enough and my lifestyle lavish enough for a reality show. But I am happy, content and blessed and what I do each day is extremely valuable. I'm shaping 2 little human beings, moment by moment, day by day to hopefully become responsible, kind, ethical adults while at the same time supporting V. and giving him a soft place to land after his 15 hours days. Most importantly, I am the glue holding the family together. I am the canary in our coal mine when something feels amiss. Not taking away from V., but his primary focus has to be on being our provider which he does very well. In my opinion, SOMEBODY'S focus has to be on the family, keeping a finger on the pulse of it, and raising the alert flag when things aren't right. It's not always the most popular role to have nor the easiest but for the sanctity of our family, it's one of the most important ones.
The first one was Dog Whisperer. I first saw this show during a marathon of it when V. and I were in Idyllwild in December 2005 when I. was less than 2 months old. I was nursing her constantly and it was cold outside so we were spending a lot of time indoors and stumbled on this show. Being a dog lover, I immediately took to it and was hooked.
That led to Meerkat Manor on the Discovery Channel which V. and I laughed at the narrated story line which turned the life of meerkats into almost a tragic soap opera of sorts. Cat From Hell we stumbled on at home and while we're not hooked, having 2 cats at home make it enjoyable for us to watch it here and there. Being the hecklers that we are, American Idol and X Factor are both shows we enjoy though we grumble at the weekly time commitment during their seasons. They are shows that we do enjoy together though. Another Idyllwild dirty pleasure, this one happening in December 2010 when I was pregnant with D. was Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Truly we reached new lows with this show. It was entertaining to us though and probably just made us feel more put together than those screwed up "famous" people. You know, that validation of "we may not be rich nor famous but at least we're not screwed up". Pathetic but probably true. And Millionaire Matchmaker. I do enjoy this show. This show I got hooked on the first night with D. in the hospital. V. had gone home to collapse and there I was with D. next to me in our room and they were having a marathon of Millionaire Matchmaker and I liked it. To me it's entertaining and also makes me SO glad that I'm not out there single and looking 'cause it's downright scary at least at my age.
Lastly, a confession - I do watch some of the Real Housewives. Mostly I see that having money, a huge house, and a upscale zip code does not equal happiness. Usually it equals the direct opposite.
So while I admit to watching some reality shows, I try to come away with a lesson of sorts. I may not be glamorous enough or be famous enough and my lifestyle lavish enough for a reality show. But I am happy, content and blessed and what I do each day is extremely valuable. I'm shaping 2 little human beings, moment by moment, day by day to hopefully become responsible, kind, ethical adults while at the same time supporting V. and giving him a soft place to land after his 15 hours days. Most importantly, I am the glue holding the family together. I am the canary in our coal mine when something feels amiss. Not taking away from V., but his primary focus has to be on being our provider which he does very well. In my opinion, SOMEBODY'S focus has to be on the family, keeping a finger on the pulse of it, and raising the alert flag when things aren't right. It's not always the most popular role to have nor the easiest but for the sanctity of our family, it's one of the most important ones.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Sweet Day
One of those nothing really spectacular but still a great day with D. kind of days. Took I. to school, put D. down for what appears to be his one and only nap of the day and got some house projects done.
When D. got up, we did a little remedial shopping at Vons, dropped a Goodwill donation off, and then went to the library to hang out, get some books, and D. went up and down (times about 25) the stairs in the kids' section. It was cold and windy outside so this was my attempt at getting him some exercise without exposing him to God knows what at the indoor playgrounds.
After that we went home, had lunch, and played together after he played by himself for awhile. Ah, second time moms know so much more....
V. was home right after the kids' dinnertime and watching D.'s reaction to hearing the garage door opening was really something. While I was getting D. ready for afternoon rest time, I told him that V. would be home for bathtime and told him in terms that he would understand. He was visibly excited and then when the garage door opened, he ran to me with his arms up for "pick me up". After we went down to the garage and V. got out of the car, D. shrieked "Dadda" and then laid his smiling face against my chest and patted my back with his other hand.
So sweet.
I have deciphered what D.'s 2nd word is or in this case a phrase. First word Dadda of course, and after several days of hearing a similar pattern and cadence of words, I figured out he was saying "What's that?" When I repeated it back to him, he got excited and said it again so I figured I'm right. It's amazing to see his understanding of words - slowly but surely he and we are getting there.
When D. got up, we did a little remedial shopping at Vons, dropped a Goodwill donation off, and then went to the library to hang out, get some books, and D. went up and down (times about 25) the stairs in the kids' section. It was cold and windy outside so this was my attempt at getting him some exercise without exposing him to God knows what at the indoor playgrounds.
After that we went home, had lunch, and played together after he played by himself for awhile. Ah, second time moms know so much more....
V. was home right after the kids' dinnertime and watching D.'s reaction to hearing the garage door opening was really something. While I was getting D. ready for afternoon rest time, I told him that V. would be home for bathtime and told him in terms that he would understand. He was visibly excited and then when the garage door opened, he ran to me with his arms up for "pick me up". After we went down to the garage and V. got out of the car, D. shrieked "Dadda" and then laid his smiling face against my chest and patted my back with his other hand.
So sweet.
I have deciphered what D.'s 2nd word is or in this case a phrase. First word Dadda of course, and after several days of hearing a similar pattern and cadence of words, I figured out he was saying "What's that?" When I repeated it back to him, he got excited and said it again so I figured I'm right. It's amazing to see his understanding of words - slowly but surely he and we are getting there.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Positive Feedback Day One
Today I made a point of not only giving 5 positive messages to I. but also was dedicated to catching her when she was being good. So here's the results for Day 1.
This morning was a little tough, thankfully I got in 2 positive comments in before we headed to school because I. was late in getting in the car and thus was tardy a 2nd day in a row. I don't think she was tardy even 1 day the whole kindergarten year to put it in perspective.
I reminded myself before picking her up about being positive and physically affectionate. I know I sound like some kind of Mommy Dearest - I mean who needs to remind themselves to be affectionate. To put it in perspective, I. has been up since 4:30am and by 3:30, she's spent mentally, emotionally, and physically. When I pick her up from school is how most kids feel (and act) at 6:30/7:30 at night. Short fused and not coping too well.
However, I made a concerted effort to compliment her sometimes second handedly to D., stop and listen to her, give her physical affection and you know what, she blossomed today. Cheerful, patient, loving, and bedtime was happy and calm.
It's not that I don't do some of these things each day because I do. It's just that in order to do ALL of these things when I'm tired and am dealing with 2 tired, cranky children takes a mentally concerted effort.
Confession...though my intestines didn't much like the caffeine, I think it may have helped with my afternoon and evening efforts.
This morning was a little tough, thankfully I got in 2 positive comments in before we headed to school because I. was late in getting in the car and thus was tardy a 2nd day in a row. I don't think she was tardy even 1 day the whole kindergarten year to put it in perspective.
I reminded myself before picking her up about being positive and physically affectionate. I know I sound like some kind of Mommy Dearest - I mean who needs to remind themselves to be affectionate. To put it in perspective, I. has been up since 4:30am and by 3:30, she's spent mentally, emotionally, and physically. When I pick her up from school is how most kids feel (and act) at 6:30/7:30 at night. Short fused and not coping too well.
However, I made a concerted effort to compliment her sometimes second handedly to D., stop and listen to her, give her physical affection and you know what, she blossomed today. Cheerful, patient, loving, and bedtime was happy and calm.
It's not that I don't do some of these things each day because I do. It's just that in order to do ALL of these things when I'm tired and am dealing with 2 tired, cranky children takes a mentally concerted effort.
Confession...though my intestines didn't much like the caffeine, I think it may have helped with my afternoon and evening efforts.
Monday, January 7, 2013
New Year's Realizations
Realizations vs. resolutions. I have plenty of personal goals as a Type A, eldest almost only child person so I haven't really ever felt the need to set resolutions. Goals are a constant in my life, not a once a year thing.
But tonight I realized two important things. The first being that I need to verbally recognize no less than 5 positive things about I. Today was her first day back at school so I only had access to her between 6:30-8:15 and 3:20-5:10. That's not a lot of time. And when I was thinking about our interactions after I got both of them to bed, I realized that I couldn't remember more than 2 positive comments I made to her. In my defense, during the morning hours, I'm getting ready and we're all (I., D., and me) having breakfast and then in the afternoon, it's hearing about her day, homework, and bedtime routines. And the time I get to spend with I. during the school weekdays is kind of at the worst - in the morning with getting ready and cleaning up for the day and then the afternoon being tired and basically done for the day. Not the best moods for I.
However, no excuse for me. I want I. to become less negative and I think maybe if I start focusing on the positives of her, she might move over to the light side vs. the dark side. I don't want her to grow up thinking that she had a critical, never-can-please mother. That being said, there's a fine line between producing a responsible, productive human being and a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, victim person. And that is constantly what I am trying to strike a balance with.
The second realization I had today was that now that the afternoon nap nursing is being eliminated, I can add a little caffeine to my morning coffee. Woo hoo! Being a non-morning person this could really make a difference. Does this offset my sadness of weaning D. and seeing his need for sucking not being met any easier? No. I'd give up caffeine for life if it made it easier for him. Tonight was a tough one compared to last night. I guess this weaning is not a linear progression. Last night, he chuckled when I discontinued his suckling (vs. active nursing). Tonight, he cried and continued crying, though not for a long time, once I put him to bed. Still made me sad.
I'm looking forward to a little boost tomorrow morning. With V. being gone for a few days, I could use it.
But tonight I realized two important things. The first being that I need to verbally recognize no less than 5 positive things about I. Today was her first day back at school so I only had access to her between 6:30-8:15 and 3:20-5:10. That's not a lot of time. And when I was thinking about our interactions after I got both of them to bed, I realized that I couldn't remember more than 2 positive comments I made to her. In my defense, during the morning hours, I'm getting ready and we're all (I., D., and me) having breakfast and then in the afternoon, it's hearing about her day, homework, and bedtime routines. And the time I get to spend with I. during the school weekdays is kind of at the worst - in the morning with getting ready and cleaning up for the day and then the afternoon being tired and basically done for the day. Not the best moods for I.
However, no excuse for me. I want I. to become less negative and I think maybe if I start focusing on the positives of her, she might move over to the light side vs. the dark side. I don't want her to grow up thinking that she had a critical, never-can-please mother. That being said, there's a fine line between producing a responsible, productive human being and a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, victim person. And that is constantly what I am trying to strike a balance with.
The second realization I had today was that now that the afternoon nap nursing is being eliminated, I can add a little caffeine to my morning coffee. Woo hoo! Being a non-morning person this could really make a difference. Does this offset my sadness of weaning D. and seeing his need for sucking not being met any easier? No. I'd give up caffeine for life if it made it easier for him. Tonight was a tough one compared to last night. I guess this weaning is not a linear progression. Last night, he chuckled when I discontinued his suckling (vs. active nursing). Tonight, he cried and continued crying, though not for a long time, once I put him to bed. Still made me sad.
I'm looking forward to a little boost tomorrow morning. With V. being gone for a few days, I could use it.
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