New Developments

We had another ultrasound for a few more "tests" and we passed with flying colors. I signed the decline form for the amnio so everyone should now leave me alone about that subject.

Here's a sweet pic of our little one. It's hard to see but that shadow in the background is its' hand and it's sucking its thumb. What's It started face down but decided to flip over and see what was going on. V. was there this time to see so it was extra special.




Then the tech said, "Do you want to know what it is because I think I'll be able to tell pretty soon." We said yes and prepared ourselves for a not so surprising, but still very happy, disclosure that we were indeed having another girl. Then she got this arrow going on the screen and pointed at something and said, "Do you see this?" Holy smoly, it looked like a penis. I thought we're either having a very scary girl or that is a boy. Well, thank God, it's not a scary girl. We ARE having a boy!

I still can't believe it and even though I would have been thrilled with another girl, this does add another dimension to this pregnancy. The first pregnancy was special because it was my first pregnancy. Even though this pregnancy is a miracle and the wonder of it all is with me daily, I know what to expect and so some of the mystery isn't there. But now that mystery facet is back because it's a boy. I. is happy and looking forward to wrestling with her little brother once he's old enough - that's kind of how I sold it to her and it worked. Of course, it helps that her place as my baby girl is now permanently hers with no sharing involved. Each night during prayers, she thanks God for our baby and it makes my heart so happy. Though V. won't admit it, he's excited about it too.

I was just sitting here quietly with the television paused and I think I just felt the baby move for the first time. I'm going to be 18 weeks in just a few days so it is very possible. I wasn't even thinking about it when I swear, it felt like I got bumped from the inside on my lower left side. I didn't feel it again but it was significant and different enough to grab my attention so I'm thinking it may have been the first feel. If I feel something similar again in the next couple of days, I'll know I was right.

We are so lucky. I am so lucky. To think that 10 years ago, I was so miserable that I no longer wanted to live and now I have a little guy growing inside of me with a beautiful, kindhearted little girl waiting happily to join our family, and a loyal, hardworking husband with whom I still have a good, playful friendship as well as a strong, loving marriage. I'm glad I made it.

The Doula Search Continues

I am STILL in search of a doula. I swear I am getting my ass kicked by doulas lately. When I found my original one at 9 weeks, I really felt instinctively that she was the right one. Then she ended up having to become a caregiver for her mom and she cancelled all her clients.

I contacted one of the ones she recommeded and after numerous emails, we finally settled on a day, time and place to meet. One problem - she never showed. Not only did she not show, she didn't email a reason or apology or anything afterwards. Being that the service you are paying for is to have someone dependable be there for you during the most painful and important time of your life, not showing up is a major faux-pas in my book.

So off I went researching more doulas online and found one close by with great recommendations from her clients. It took 2 emails and 1 phone message on my part until she responded. Then numerous schedule gyrations to set a meeting time only to have it cancelled the morning of due to her son's illness. Now I'm a mom, I understand and I'm not holding it against her at all. It just goes back to if she can't even make it to meet me initially, how the hell is she going to make it to my labor? So we're back to trying to schedule a meeting, now pushing it into next week. I don't know, it just makes me uneasy.

It also gives new life to an issue I knew I had but one that quietly percolates under the surface until situations bring it up and cause the bad feelings to start. The main issue is my self-convincing feeling that I can't really depend on anyone for help, that I'm basically on my own. Being that I'm married and my family of origin lives 30 minutes away, this plays on my mind and not in a good way. I try to chalk it up to negative self-talk and sweep it away but to be honest, there just seems to be a long list of examples that support this that is decades long. So perhaps it isn't my misconception, perhaps a good part of it is true and maybe I just need to learn how to look at it differently so that it doesn't affect me badly. I internalize it and translate it to mean that there is something undeserving about me and things go from there.

I anticipate when this baby begins its journey out of my womb and in that first month, there will be situations that will feed into this issue. That's why I want to address it now while my mind is clear and I'm getting sleep rather than try to muddle through it when I'm sleep deprived with surging hormones.

Good Place

Random thoughts flowing through my mind this morning.

One full week under my belt of not being sick, not having my back out, not having a headache every day of the week. It had been a month since I didn't have something physically hurting 24/7 that was sapping my energy, both physical and emotional. This past week I felt good with a normal energy level and almost a lower than normal appetite level. Sure my back still is killing me all night while I sleep and still slips out of place whenever I sit at the kitchen table or on our couches, but you just can't have it all, ya know?

Thankful for not having 4 guys running around our house yesterday. We all needed a day off from that chaos. Today they'll be here in the afternoon. I anticipate phone convos with the insurance claims agent today so that should be fun.

Busy day today trying to take care of things. First I.'s gymnastics class, then chiropractor, then grocery store. A short rest before hitting Home Depot to buy a new toilet for I.'s bathroom and hopefully a fast run to CVS to buy some perfume for I.'s birthday gift to her Bubbi. Whew.

Last night was 3 nights straight of V. and I sleeping in the same bed together at night. It seems like my hormones have changed into less of a perfect insomnia storm and I'm happy about that. I have to admit it was nice to have the bed to myself just from a purely uncomplicated standpoint but mentally, I worried about it during the day and didn't like it. So I'm relieved that it seems to have resolved itself. Plus some of the good early memories after I. was born and home were the nights when we would get in bed with her sleeping in the bassinet next to us. She would snort and grunt as she slept, giving us the giggles as we laid there trying to fall asleep listening to the "piggy" we brought home with us. Those were magical times of wondernment, joy, and completeness and I don't want to miss those the second time around because V. has to sleep in a separate bed.

Gotta get ready to head out for the day with my baby girl. My first baby girl, my only first. Lots of those early days have been coming back to me the last couple of days and that wash of new love comes over me.

Beautiful Moment

Wonderful, couldn't have gone better, unbelievable. These are the words/phrases to describe how telling I. about the baby went. I didn't anticipate it going badly but because she never has really asked about a baby, I wasn't 100% positive.

We gave her the gift bag with the shirt and she opened it up. Saw her name on there, saw the picture of the curly hair girl and the 2 cats and then pointed at the baby in the little wagon the girl was pulling. She said, "What's this?" I read her what the shirt said "I'm Going To Be A Big Sister." and then didn't say anything to give it a chance to sink in.

She kept looking at the shirt for a couple of seconds thinking about what I said. Then all of a sudden her eyes got really wide and she looked up at me with a big joyful smile on her face. I could see that she understood so I said, "Yes Sweetie, Mommy has a baby in her tummy." She was so happy and said, "But your tummy isn't big!" I said, "Well, it kind of is, you just haven't noticed because I've been hiding it." and then I showed her.

For the rest of the day, she was full of questions. In the afternoon, we read a great book that talked about all the things she was wondering about with pregnancy and she kept saying, "Tell me more about the baby." When I was reading to her tonight, she caressed my belly the whole time and asked if it felt good to the baby. It was just so darn sweet.

My heart swells with love and pride for her little generous, sweet heart. She is going to be such a good big sister.

I.'s Big News

In the middle of this demolition zone, in just a little while, we are going to tell I. the news that she will be a big sister. Anyone who knows me knows that I have given this a lot of thought. V. makes fun of me, not in a mean way, because he can. But in life, there are a few important moments that can set the stage for future life events and you don't get a do-over on them. To me, this is one of them.

I ordered a customized shirt saying, "I'm Going To Be a Big Sister" with a picture of a curly haired girl, 2 cats, and I.'s name on it. I also have some library books on what is going on inside of my tummy to help I.'s inquistive mind understand what is happening and what will be happening.

Part of me is excited for her and what this will mean. I always wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with, make memories with, and have alongside her in life after V. and I are gone. Yet part of me is sad, tears in my eyes sad, because once this fact is out there, we can never go back to how it's been the last 5+ years. I'm sure V. chalks this up to pregnancy hormones and yeah, maybe some of it is. But some of it is that she is my special child, my first, and it's mostly just been her and I since she was 4 months old thanks to V.'s crappy travel schedule.

Nothing can take that time away from us, I know and I am so thankful for it because I think it has laid a foundation for our relationship for the rest of our lives. And let's face it, there is just something about your firstborn. It's not that you feel more love for them, it's just with the first one, everything is brand new, full of wonder, and an adventure all around because you really have no idea what to expect.

Misery Loves Company

Yesterday was spent in the house being "chased" around by no less than 5 different people. In a 1300 sq. foot house, that leaves you approximately 1 room that you can hide in. Unfortunately, I had to "hide" in that room with a unhappy, rambunctious 5 year old and 2 highly aggravated cats. It was almost enough to make me wish I was secluded in the small downstairs bathroom with the obnoxious parrot - that's where I hid him for the day.

There was nothing but bad news yesterday it seems and by the time 5pm rolled around, I was overwhelmed. Actually, by noon I was overwhelmed and by 5 pm, I'm not sure what state I was in. Probably closer to hysterics because when I did finally sit down and attempt to watch tv over the din of noise and the circuit breaker tripped, due to all the loud equipment that is on in the house, I just sat there in the dark and started laughing. And not really a good sort of laughing.

The bottom line is that in I.'s room, all the flooring in the bathroom and bedroom has been ripped out and today part of her walls will be removed. Here's what it looked like last night when she went to bed:

Behind the plastic is a huge dehumidifier and 4 big fans trying to dry the place out. It's a mess.

The downstairs bedroom took a direct hit. Here's what it looked like after Day 1

Today they are going to tear down all the walls in this room. I can't even imagine the amount of noise that will be added to the already loud din of air purifiers, dehumidifiers, and industrial fans. It's sensory overload.

The reason for this post's title, "Misery Loves Company" is that V. couldn't comprehend the amount of chaos that was in this house yesterday. But this morning, he was wandering around the house muttering about "clutter" and "claustraphobia" and this is before the 4 guys get added to the mix and before the pounding, ripping, and yelling gets started. Oh yes, he will feel my pain of yesterday and I have to say I will get a sick pleasure of some sort from it. Last weekend I threw a mini tantrum about the level of clutter in this house and the couple of mini projects that he has put off for years that would help with the clutter. He had no idea where all this was coming from and reluctantly did one of the projects (it took all of 20 minutes). Yet after just one week of being home in the evenings (a very rare occurance), he is stressing out today about the clutter. It's not that I don't keep a clean house. It's just that the amount of pieces of paper, crafts, stickers, and Shrinky Dinks multiply daily and I. is like V. in that neither of them likes to throw things out. Better to just put them in a pile in the corner "just in case". This behavior drives me nuts and now it's driving him nuts.

So, we'll see how everyone fares today. Maybe more pics tomorrow.

Down the Toliet

I finally download the San Fran pictures off the camera and was all ready to post about it when everything went down the pot. Or rather, didn't go down the pot.

Minor issue in the scheme of things was that I. out of the blue decided to start peeing in her pants again. No, we haven't told her about the baby so it's not a reversion back. There is nothing that has changed in the last week. It's just her usual M.O. of just getting lazy about going to the bathroom. Yes, I understand there will be accidents here and there. That's not what I'm talking about. What I am talking about is her wetting through 3 different outfits while we are at home within striking distance of 3 toliets. There is no excuse for it. She's 5 years old and is physically able to be potty trained as evidenced by a month plus of being dry. I've tried all the rewards programs, the psychological strategies - God knows I've had time to go through all them, we've been potty training since June 2009. Nothing has really worked so this time I thought long and hard and decided with her 6th birthday approaching this year and full-time kindergarten looming in September, the mean Momma was going to have to dole out some serious consequences. We talked about them and lo and behold, she was dry for 3 days straight until she wasn't, yesterday. So the consequences came down this morning and she's not too happy about it. Well, don't pee in your pants when you're next to a toilet and the consequences won't come down.

The major issue with things going down the pot, or not going down the pot, is that on Wednesday night before she went to bed, I. flushed the toliet and without anyone realizing it, it stopped up and began slowly overflowing. It did that for 14 hours until the next morning when I went in there and needless to say, it was a flood. The bathroom was underwater and a good 6 feet of I.'s bedroom carpet was like a swamp. Then last night, we went into the downstairs bedroom and saw this:

So needless to say instead of heading to Sea World for the day, we will be welcoming a water damage company in our home to begin the process of drying us up, tearing things up, and preventing future mold. Sounds like a great project to me! I haven't even finished up the auto insurance claim that continues to drag on and now it appears I'll have a new insurance claim to enjoy. All the phone calls, messages, forms, etc. Wow, I'm so excited.

What a mess. I woke up at 2am to go the bathroom and ended up not falling back to sleep for an hour because I was worried the ceiling would start falling downstairs. Ugh. Maybe it'll go smoother than I anticipate, I really hope so.