The Doula Search Continues

I am STILL in search of a doula. I swear I am getting my ass kicked by doulas lately. When I found my original one at 9 weeks, I really felt instinctively that she was the right one. Then she ended up having to become a caregiver for her mom and she cancelled all her clients.

I contacted one of the ones she recommeded and after numerous emails, we finally settled on a day, time and place to meet. One problem - she never showed. Not only did she not show, she didn't email a reason or apology or anything afterwards. Being that the service you are paying for is to have someone dependable be there for you during the most painful and important time of your life, not showing up is a major faux-pas in my book.

So off I went researching more doulas online and found one close by with great recommendations from her clients. It took 2 emails and 1 phone message on my part until she responded. Then numerous schedule gyrations to set a meeting time only to have it cancelled the morning of due to her son's illness. Now I'm a mom, I understand and I'm not holding it against her at all. It just goes back to if she can't even make it to meet me initially, how the hell is she going to make it to my labor? So we're back to trying to schedule a meeting, now pushing it into next week. I don't know, it just makes me uneasy.

It also gives new life to an issue I knew I had but one that quietly percolates under the surface until situations bring it up and cause the bad feelings to start. The main issue is my self-convincing feeling that I can't really depend on anyone for help, that I'm basically on my own. Being that I'm married and my family of origin lives 30 minutes away, this plays on my mind and not in a good way. I try to chalk it up to negative self-talk and sweep it away but to be honest, there just seems to be a long list of examples that support this that is decades long. So perhaps it isn't my misconception, perhaps a good part of it is true and maybe I just need to learn how to look at it differently so that it doesn't affect me badly. I internalize it and translate it to mean that there is something undeserving about me and things go from there.

I anticipate when this baby begins its journey out of my womb and in that first month, there will be situations that will feed into this issue. That's why I want to address it now while my mind is clear and I'm getting sleep rather than try to muddle through it when I'm sleep deprived with surging hormones.