Great Day

Yesterday, I. and I ended up having a great day together. We got ready. got in the car and then I let I. choose between the Zoo and the Wild Animal Park. She chose the Wild Animal Park and off we went. It was cold and most kids were in school so we had the place pretty much to ourselves until mid-afternoon when we were leaving.

First, we hit the carousel.


After a relaxing lunch next to the bird lagoon at 11:30, thanks to I.'s never ending appetite, we walked over to feed the lorikeets before hitting a bird show that we hadn't seen before.

Then we walked down to the bottom of the Park to board the tram into the "Heart of Africa". Do you know we've never been on it because I didn't realize until yesterday when I asked that it is included for free with our membership? It was fun to have another new thing to experience together.

We had to hit the petting zoo on our way out - always a highlight of our trip.

And as we walked out, we saw the rhino statue. I. said, "Can I take a picture on it?" So here is the resulting picture.

During bathtime, we both said how much fun we had together today and I got a big kiss on the lips too. I am really going to miss these weekdays of ours when she starts kindergarten. It makes me want to cry.

Our Idyllwild Trip

Here's our cabin from the back hill. When we got here it was pouring rain, 35 degrees and dropping, and the property mgmt. company who had our keys was closed for some unknown reason. After an emergency call, we finally got the keys, careened to the cabin on icy patches, and unloaded the car in the freezing rain up 2 flights of icy stairs. That's when we found out that the groceries that were supposed to be in the cabin, were not there and we basically had no food. Thank God I packed I. dinner but poor V. had to make a quick, scary trip to the closest store to get anything he could find to eat. Good thing because we were iced in for another day and a half - lots of pasta and sauce with turkey hotdogs. I don't think I'll ever eat a turkey hotdog again.


There was a chest of costumes upstairs in the loft so the next day, we rummaged around and this is what we came up with.

What would an Idyllwild trip be without some twilight and sunset pictures? I hiked up the back snow covered hill until I was high enough to almost see the horizon.

I just stood still and watched the sky go from dark blue to lavender with brilliant yellows, pinks, and oranges. It was so quiet. All I could hear was the sound of snow falling off the pine trees.

Gorgeous!

Icicles are cool until you're trying to walk down these stairs. Solid sheets of ice but they were fun to break off, I have to admit.

I really wanted one fire while we were up in Idyllwild. I mean, that's part of the experience. Problem was that we didn't have any little wood for kindling. So I took the first shift and split logs with the claw of a hammer until I couldn't and V. took over. We should have probably stopped now.


Here's the result of our hard work and we actually kept it going for a few hours. I had forgotten how much work it takes to keep a fire going though. Makes me enjoy our gas fireplace at home but you can't beat the smell of real wood burning.

Here's the reason we should have stopped with the hammer. V. took a chunk out of his palm and there was blood everywhere. No first aid kit, no bandaids, no Bactine. We had to make do with dishwashing soap, cold water and an artfully tied kitchen towel around the wound. Poor V.!

The trip had its good moments. It was great to hang out as a family. It was fantastic for I. and V. to see so much of each other. It was so nice to read something at night and be able to share it with V. right then - it was nice to have company at night. I got time to play with I. which was fun. What was probably best was after I got I. in bed, I didn't have a list of things I needed to do/should be doing/staring at me. You know what I mean and that was a huge freeing, emotionally good thing for me.

The hardest part was that the altitude took a lot out of me and from about 10 to 5 I really didn't feel good. I was also trying not to worry about the lackluster reception I had gotten at the doctor's office and the impending ultrasound to verifty that everything was okay. Then I have a bad problem with insomnia made worse with my inability to take any herbs or vodka and I have to make sure I really relax before I go to bed. So the first night there, I pull down the sheets to jump in the bed and there is this mother f*in huge black spider in the sheets running around. Exactly what I did not need before trying to relax and fall asleep. Somehow I still was able to fall asleep and not obsess about the creature (which was deposited into the toilet).

So I do think that we were vacation challenged in 2010 and am hoping for a turn of luck this year. I've got to get busy planning some travelling before August, some trips for just V. and I and some for the 3 of us, while it's just the 3 of us. That topic of the 3 of us is a whole 'nother topic that I am not getting into now, not when I'm going to be heading to bed soon. After a big bowl of cereal and berries - did I mention how hungry I get these days??

Tired

That's the one word to describe me right now - tired. Physically tired, yes. Tired of how no matter what I. is doing, as soon as I start posting, she inevitably will appear next to me, asking and/or whining about something. It's like a sick phenomenon. I try not to get annoyed but when it happens each morning, it gets old. I can't write during the day, I'm too busy doing and by the time I am able to at night, I just can't - I'm too drained, too exhausted.

I know this won't go on forever and really, I'm tired of hearing myself say how tired I am. I think it's just a result of being overwhelmed with a lot of things. Last night I found myself with an iota of energy so I put away laundry, put another load in, and finally unpacked V. and I's bags from our mountain trip. Yeah, the one I still haven't posted about. I need to download the pics to accompany the story and honestly, after doing the chores I just mentioned, I laid down on the living room floor to watch tv with a blanket because I was too tired to sit up on the sofa.

I wish I could say that I got good sleep last night but I didn't. For one thing, I got up for my nighttime bathroom visit closer to 4:30 rather than around 2ish so it made it hard to go back to sleep. Then since V. wasn't here to feed the cats, they were running laps around this same time since that's usually when V. feeds them. As I was starting to relax, I heard this distant beeping (I had ear plugs in, everything's distant) that would stop and then start again a couple of minutes later. I finally couldn't take it and wandered the bedroom until I finally located the offending noise - I.'s play cellphone that was running out of batteries and was beeping. Grrrr...

Today I had high hopes of going to the zoo or the Wild Animal Park for the day. Now I'm considering Chuck E. Cheese just so I can get some sort of resttime. To complicate things, I. has not been getting enough sleep the last 3 days and her attitude and frustration directly reflect this. As I finish this post, she's gotten out every sticker page she can find in her art drawer and has them strewned on the carpet. In one of my lesser "momma" moments, I just told her that she needs to put those away now or I'm getting the trashcan and putting them away for her. Yeah, I know - could have used a different tactic but this whole week, every time it's time to leave the house, I come downstairs (after coordinating the upstairs' pickup) and there are little piles here and there. Instead of running even later, we end up leaving and inevitably, I'm picking all this crap up after she goes to bed. Thus the "I'm getting the trash can" method of compliance.

Oh well, we all have our moments right? I'm off to salvage this day now.

Random Musings

A glimpse into my small mind this morning:

How many times yesterday at my appointment was I asked if I was taking prenatal vitamins?
4 times...do I look like an uneducated redneck with missing teeth?

My theory on leftovers is this: if you are the one doing the meal planning, the shopping, and the cooking, you LOVE leftovers. You can cook one meal and then draw a straight line across at least 3 days worth of dinners and be done with it. If you are just the one showing up and eating it, leftovers are something to be dreaded and avoided at all costs.

When I'm in the kitchen cleaning up with the water and the dishwasher on and I. is in the living room talking to me, is it wrong to just let her continue talking thinking that I can hear her? This judgement call is usually in direct proportion to what level my mental and emotional reserves are at.

I was relieved to see that after pigging out over the holidays, being on vacation another 5 days, and not getting nearly the amount of exercise I normally get, I only put on 1 pound since 12/23.

These days I vacillate between starving and uncomfortably full. There doesn't seem to be any in between. I know it's all about small meals often but when your day is fragmented into 2 hour blocks of different places, it's hard to accomplish.

Today I'm going to the gym for the first time since right after Christmas. I'm hoping for a better workout than last time since I was so low on energy, I felt like I was schlepping around in between machines ready to sit down and not get up again and it really pissed me off. I need to prepare myself for the fact that it's going to be crowded with all the New Year's resolution people.

I want to go to the gym because I am already dreading after this baby comes and I'm effectively "banned" from the gym for 6 months due to the minimum age in the Kids' Club. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't haul a month old baby in just so I could go to the gym, I'm not that bad (really, I'm not). It's just that my body really needs alot of strength training in order to stay strong and healthy. Walks with the baby will not get me back in shape - I did that last time and it didn't do it. Good thing I have the radical exercise DVDs that I was planning on using before I found out about this latest development. I will have to break those bad boys out as soon as the doctor says it's okay.

Well, enough talking about the gym, now it's time to get ready and get going.

Did I See It?

Yes, I did see that little heart fluttering at top speed. I saw the shape of the baby and to my surprise, it looked more like a baby than the guppy I was expecting. Keep in mind, most ultrasounds are done later in a pregnancy - the baby is barely 8 weeks old. Even so, it had already unfurled its little body so the head shape was evident with its little body curling out from its neck.

Doctor says this is good news despite the little spotting here and there and that the baby is measuring exactly as it should. Of course, after he says this he moves on to all the genetic counselling he recommends, including an ultrasound because you know I am 40 and somehow that means that all hell has a high chance of occurring. At least that's how they make you feel. I wonder if this is how they treat all the 40+ actresses having babies. Somehow I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm leaning towards the non-invasive tests (blood, ultrasounds, etc.) that will give me what the doctor says will be 95% of the information. These tests have to be done at certain times in pregnancy so I've got to figure out what and when and get them scheduled. Of course, this is after I call the insurance company to figure out what they will cover and what they will balk at. Just add that to the other phonecalls I have to make to the auto insurance companies about the aftermath of getting hit.

Was I happy? Yes, I was. After feeling so lousy, it felt good to see a good and rational reason why. It helps get through the rest of the tired days. Hopefully that should only be 4 more weeks. Am I still feeling overwhelmed by the future? Yes, I am. But hopefully that will lessen in the future. For now, everything is okay.

Here We Are

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a new week after hibernating as a family. I will get the post on our vacation done soon, I promise. Let's just say, it had its ups and downs. I'm beginning to wonder if we are "vacation challenged"...

I woke up this morning two to three hours earlier than I have for the last week thanks to having V. home from work and me being exhausted. I have a sneaky suspicion that will catch up to me around noonish. We have a semi-busy day scheduled today. First, I.'s gymnastics class which she loves followed by a trip to the chiropractor to get the kinks worked out. Stop at home for lunch and a quick, early resttime. Then to the doctor this afternoon for the ultrasound. Every time I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach but I can't do anything about it. I think at this point, after waiting two weeks for this test, I just need the anticipation to be over. Hopefully that won't be the only thing that's over.

Deep breaths should help get me through this day. Vacay posting coming soon.

A Christmas Miracle

I make this posting with a warning up front. If you know me and we have mutual friends, PLEASE do not pass on this information. I'm just not ready yet to have it be "knowledge". There is too much at stake right now and I can't face other people wanting to talk about it - not yet.

So, this is the posting that I have been unwilling to talk about since December 9th. Many reasons why. First, I had to talk to V. about it first. Then, I still was having a hard time getting my brain around it. Then I thought, "Well, let's wait 'til after this to be sure." And then after "this", it looked like there was one more big this happening tomorrow that would give more answers so I waited. I didn't want to jinx it, I didn't want to acknowledge things that seem to be so uncertain, I didn't want to have to publicly face major disapppointment.

Then the last 4 days, we were on vacation in Idyllwild (post about that to follow soon). Four nights in a row I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and then couldn't go back to sleep for a while thanks to my racing mind. One of the consistent nagging thoughts was that if I didn't post about this before tomorrow (Monday), I would have missed experiencing any sort of celebration or joy. I don't want to go through the events of life not celebrating because of some sort of "just in case". Even if the worst happens, isn't that even more reason to be joyful while you can and are able to? It just struck me as a cowardly, defensive way of living and that's never really been me. Yes, I try to avoid and minimize disappointment by managing my expectations but I've never been one to hide or pretend something just because something may go wrong down the line.

With that being said, after actively and scientifically trying for 16 months, then just giving up for another 10 months, consulting with a fertility dr. and deciding that would not be an option, grieving that I. would be my only one, becoming fine with that fact and making plans for myself when I. goes off to kindergarten later this year, and turning 40, I find myself pregnant. Eight weeks today to be exact.

Why the wait? Well, I certainly wasn't going to tell V. over the phone since we both weren't exactly expecting it. That meant I had to wait for 10 days to tell him in person. Then, I've been having some spotting here and there so I was concerned and wanted to get reassurance from my ob/gyn at my first appointment 2 days before Christmas. Unfortunately I didn't get 100% reassurance from him and am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to make sure we can see the baby's heartbeat. On top of all that, I had really just gotten my mind and spirit completely okay with I. being an only child and was making plans. This news put me in a tailspin, combined with the fact that I haven't felt good. I don't have morning sickness per se but my digestive tract has been off, my exhaustion off the charts, and honestly, I don't feel very good from about 30 minutes after I wake up until about 5 pm. I know it's the hormones but it's hard to deal with the daily grind week after week when you feel like this. All these things made me hesitant to post about it.

However, with this posting, I celebrate this miracle regardless of what tomorrow's test shows.