This morning I. and I went over to spend a few hours with Mark and during that time, there were some moments that will stay with me forever. I'm warning you that this post is going to be long because I want to capture this day in writing so that I'll always be able to recall it.
What a blessing our friendship is and has been. When we are together, it's just so easy and comfortable, like a blanket you had against your cheek when you were an infant and how just feeling it on your skin soothes you, settles you even as an adult. That's how it is when we're together. In our 10+ years as friends, we've been together through a lot of personal difficulties (mine earlier, his now) so we seem to know just what the other person needs and how to communicate that, verbally and nonverbally.
Mark was waiting for me outside when we arrived and I. went into the house to visit with Jodi and the baby. I thought he was just enjoying the warm sunshine but in hindsight, I realize he was waiting for me because he stopped me from going in the house and said "I want to talk to you about something before we go inside." Mark warned me that it was a glum topic (his words) and said "If and when I don't make it, I want you to encourage Jodi to move on with her life and finds someone after a year to make her happy and help raise Hunter." I never thought I would be having this conversation with my best friend on the eve of our 39th birthdays. Nothing can prepare you for this - you just have to deal with it on the fly I guess. So I looked him in the eye, knowing how much this meant to him and what amazing courage it took to say this, and said I would do this for him as long as he gave me some latitude in assessing how Jodi was doing after those 12 months. He agreed and we moved onto another topic that he wanted my opinion on but this was truly a shining example of what kind of a man he is.
The next moment was when we were sitting outside by ourselves for a moment and I was being honest about how I was really struggling with sadness about V. being gone for so long. That may sound strange that I'm talking to Mark about this though not expressing my sadness about him but one, he doesn't need that additional burden and two, he already knows it without me saying anything. Anyways, so I tell him what I'm trying to do to combat the sadness and then I just asked him point blank, knowing that it's okay to ask, "How do you do it? How do you have a smile on your face and an aura of contentedness about you when you're faced with your situation?" And he said that he has his uncontrollable crying moments especially lately when the seriousness of it all catches up to him but he tries to concentrate on the good and keeps busy with short and long term projects that make him happy and give him something to strive for each day. That really helped because that is exactly what I have been trying to do to help cope with my sadness so it made me think that maybe I need to just cut myself a little slack and just let me feel sadness at times.
As we were leaving, Mark stopped me and said that maybe we could get together during the upcoming weeks because Jodi was going to be starting school M-Th in another week and he was going to be taking care of Hunter. I told him to start making a list of all the things he wanted to do because we would be doing them. I am so looking forward to these moments - he with his son and me with my daughter - the wheel truly comes round.
Later this afternoon, I was pondering Mark's request and all of a sudden, a movie I saw a couple of weeks ago popped into my mind and I started to get really excited. The movie was about a young couple who fell in love and then the husband got a brain tumor and died within a year. However, during that year, he wrote letters and set up events and other things that were mailed to the wife (with the help of a friend) for that first year without him, encouraging her to get on with her life. It was really amazing so I called Mark up tonight and told him about this movie and that I was planting the seed in his mind to germinate. I could tell he was really jazzed about this idea and he asked me if I wanted to be the one to help him do it and I said "We've always been partners in crime so absolutely." Another thing I never imagined in my wildest dreams he and I would be talking about but here we are and excited to be conspiring together in what may be the biggest coup in our lives. By doing this, we would be transcending death in a way to reach out and touch Jodi's shoulder for one additional year; to give her one more year with Mark - what in life can top that?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
THE List
No, there isn't a typo in today's blog title. Because this is THE List of all lists that I'm talking about, or I will be talking about in just a little while.
First, let me say that I love lists. "Hi, my name is the Feistywon and I'm a listaholic." Probably never met or made a list that I didn't like. It just has always seemed to help my brain because to see The List (again as opposed to THE List) made me feel better and then I never had to worry that I would forget something because I could just refer back to The List. Eased my mind because I didn't have to try to remember and probably freed up some space for my brain to work on processing something new. At least that's how I figure it.
So, I have weekly menu lists, grocery shopping lists, ongoing project lists, errands and calls that need to be made lists, books I want to get at the library lists, movies to TIVO lists, present idea lists - the list goes on (ha!). After a particularly painful breakup for the umpteenth time with my first boyfriend after graduating from high school, I wrote a list of what I did and did not want in a future boyfriend/husband. This at age 17 so you can imagine just how deeply ingrained The List is in my life, two decades later.
Now we come to THE List, one that I have been adding to for awhile now though I cannot locate the original written document. You can be sure one will be appearing soon. THE List is of all the things I want to do before I die. V. and my parents all view this as extremely morbid and not at all normal but I guess you can just add that to my perusal of obituaries each day and the fact that I used to eat lunch during my college days in a cemetary. It's not death I'm fascinated with, it's the stories behind each death - what are they known for, what did they enjoy, who did they share life with, and who is going to miss them. I really believe that if you don't have THE List, one day death may sneak up on you unannounced and you'll miss the chance to do the things your heart wanted to do. Because we all know how quickly the days fly by with all the "have to dos" and "should dos", shouldn't we make sure that if there is something we "really want to do", we should do it?
Well, I think yes, abso-fucking-lutely, you should do whatever it is you really want to do! Everyone's list is different but it means no less than anyone else's. Things on my list that I have accomplished are:
First, let me say that I love lists. "Hi, my name is the Feistywon and I'm a listaholic." Probably never met or made a list that I didn't like. It just has always seemed to help my brain because to see The List (again as opposed to THE List) made me feel better and then I never had to worry that I would forget something because I could just refer back to The List. Eased my mind because I didn't have to try to remember and probably freed up some space for my brain to work on processing something new. At least that's how I figure it.
So, I have weekly menu lists, grocery shopping lists, ongoing project lists, errands and calls that need to be made lists, books I want to get at the library lists, movies to TIVO lists, present idea lists - the list goes on (ha!). After a particularly painful breakup for the umpteenth time with my first boyfriend after graduating from high school, I wrote a list of what I did and did not want in a future boyfriend/husband. This at age 17 so you can imagine just how deeply ingrained The List is in my life, two decades later.
Now we come to THE List, one that I have been adding to for awhile now though I cannot locate the original written document. You can be sure one will be appearing soon. THE List is of all the things I want to do before I die. V. and my parents all view this as extremely morbid and not at all normal but I guess you can just add that to my perusal of obituaries each day and the fact that I used to eat lunch during my college days in a cemetary. It's not death I'm fascinated with, it's the stories behind each death - what are they known for, what did they enjoy, who did they share life with, and who is going to miss them. I really believe that if you don't have THE List, one day death may sneak up on you unannounced and you'll miss the chance to do the things your heart wanted to do. Because we all know how quickly the days fly by with all the "have to dos" and "should dos", shouldn't we make sure that if there is something we "really want to do", we should do it?
Well, I think yes, abso-fucking-lutely, you should do whatever it is you really want to do! Everyone's list is different but it means no less than anyone else's. Things on my list that I have accomplished are:
- buying a new car on my own
- buying a house on my own
- being happily married
- experiencing pregnancy
- having a child.
Those are pretty major life events so I'm excited that I've accomplished those. Now, I feel as though it's time for some of the fun, wacky things that I haven't experienced yet. Here's the ones on my list so far (but I'm adding them as I think of/discover them):
- Go dog sledding with Siberian Huskies
- Sleep in a tree house
- Visit Italy
- Sleep somewhere where the floor is just a few feet above the ocean
Life is short even though some days feel long and if you don't take the bull by the horns or the cajones, whichever are closer, it may be too late. I don't plan on leaving the land of the living with regrets and THE List helps me sleep at night knowing that I'm taking an active step to safeguard against this. And if this makes me morbid so be it, I've been called worse and as the old Feistywon used to say "Bite me!"
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Building Memories
I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this blog. In fact, right now it has no title. I'm hoping by the time I get done with it, one will clearly appear to me. Until then, this is the Titleless Blog.
V. finally made it back from that God forsaken place (aka Saudi Arabia) on Christmas night so that we could proceed with a family Christmas and we had a nice one indeed. To say that I. was happy to be with her daddy again would be an understatement.
V. finally made it back from that God forsaken place (aka Saudi Arabia) on Christmas night so that we could proceed with a family Christmas and we had a nice one indeed. To say that I. was happy to be with her daddy again would be an understatement.
The following Monday we drove up to Idyllwild, a little mountain town basically in the middle of nowhere but that's the point. I always love the scenic pictures I get each year.
This isn't Big Bear or Lake Arrowhead. The locals call it "The Hill" so that tells you something right there. However, for us it's perfect - quiet, relaxing, nothing much to do.
Well, except nowadays that isn't quite true and here's why. Before we had I., V. and I started this tradition of going up to "The Hill" for about a week over New Year's. And the adjectives I used previously - quiet, relaxing, nothing much to do - fit the bill. We never looked at the clock while we were there. We ate when we were hungry, we napped and slept when we were tired, and just vegged - me with many books and V. with papers and tv. It was a kind of no rules week also evidenced by the sounds coming from the trunk on the drive up the curvy mountain roads. CLANK, CLANK, CLANK. Those were the Jack Daniels and Absolut bottles clanging against each other all the way up and it always made us laugh. We weren't drunks but it was nice for a time to do whatever we felt like when we felt like doing it. One last example of that mentality - one night we went into the outdoor hot tub. It was around 20 degrees outside and we were laughing at the insanity of being outside but so appreciative of how cold our drinks stayed.
Now though, with an active 3 year old who doesn't take naps, the days on "The Hill" are anything but relaxing. It becomes an all day exercise of trying to keep her happy, amused and out of trouble, all of which is extremely tiring. I imagine it's probably akin to having a Great Dane puppy inside of a small cabin. To make matters even more challenging, I. was getting up in the wee hours of the morning so it made for an even LONGER day. Thank God there was a lot of snow on the ground left over from a recent storm so we were able to go out and play in that and get some of her energy released.
I thought about all this today and realized that someday, if we're lucky, it will be V. and I back up there on "The Hill" alone, relaxing and napping albeit with less clanking probably. Knowing how things go, we'll probably be wistfully looking back at these days when our whirling dervish was exhausting us but making us laugh all day long with her antics and sense of humor. Granted, the memories from the past seem more carefree and pleasurable. However, these memories we are building now are richer, deeper, and more meaningful because they don't just exist in V. and my minds but now in I.'s and perhaps in her future families' minds as well.
And now I have the title of this post - "Building Memories".
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
A First Christmas Eve of Sorts
Things went awry in Saudi Arabia due to DC stupidity, resulting in V's arrival being delayed. Instead of arriving last night, he won't be here until tomorrow night, Christmas night, after everything is over. Talk about disappointment. So tomorrow morning, I. will open her present from Santa and maybe one other present and then we'll get ready to go up to my parents' house for the present free for all. She'll spend the night there and I'll come home to my husband actually being in our bed.
This week I. and I decorated Christmas cookies for the first time and we had a really good time. It's times like these that make the holiday season so much more enjoyable:
And here's the finished product:
I'm kind of a strange person I think. I realized tonight this was the first Christmas Eve I've ever spent partially by myself. When I was a kid or single, I always spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house. When I was married, I spent it with my hubby. So this year, being married, V. wasn't here and I did spend it with I. but Christmas Eve night, I'm here by myself. And surprisingly, it's not as bad as I pictured it. I wish V. was here but I'm okay, 'cause I got to spend time with Mark this morning, hang out with I. during the day, and now am watching It's A Wonderful Life, until it gets too late because then I'm going to bed, 'cause I'll need the energy for tomorrow.
Merry Christmas!
This week I. and I decorated Christmas cookies for the first time and we had a really good time. It's times like these that make the holiday season so much more enjoyable:
And here's the finished product:
I'm kind of a strange person I think. I realized tonight this was the first Christmas Eve I've ever spent partially by myself. When I was a kid or single, I always spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house. When I was married, I spent it with my hubby. So this year, being married, V. wasn't here and I did spend it with I. but Christmas Eve night, I'm here by myself. And surprisingly, it's not as bad as I pictured it. I wish V. was here but I'm okay, 'cause I got to spend time with Mark this morning, hang out with I. during the day, and now am watching It's A Wonderful Life, until it gets too late because then I'm going to bed, 'cause I'll need the energy for tomorrow.
Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 19, 2008
What a Difference a Day Can Make
Yesterday, I dropped off I. at my mom's house so that they could do a Christmas craft together for a few hours and I could head over to Target to take care of stocking stuffers, cards, and a gift for Mark's baby. It was such a treat to be able to take my time picking out the right cards and then meandering through the $1 bins getting stuffer stuff. Moved on to the PJ area and it was so crowded in the aisleway, I parked my full cart on the outside of the aisle while I ventured deep in search of the right PJs for the girls. I found them and emerged a couple of minutes later to place them in my cart. Wait, where's my cart? You know the one with the special cards, the stocking stuffers I spent way too much time picking out, the great toy for Mark's baby that was the last one they had. Yeah, that cart. Which seems to be gone. As in GONE GONE. I look around, check out other people's carts just in case, have a Target employee go in the backroom to see if they put it back there for some reason. But no, it's just gone.
So, what do I do? I cry. This coming from a person who doesn't cry very often, certainly not in front of others, and most of the time can't cry even when she wants to. But right there in the PJ section of Target I cry. Not sobbing, snotty, loud crying but the tearing up, sniffling kind of crying but in my heart, I was sobbing. I had to go back, get another cart and try to repick everything I had. Of course, a few of the cards, the baby toy, and some of I.'s stuffer items were the last they had so that didn't help with my recovery. I was surprised by my reaction but just let myself "be" for a change, figuring that this sudden loss of a cart, unexpected and unfair finally opened the floodgates (just a little) to my buried feelings about Mark (ie. loss, unexpected, and unfair). My therapist would be proud.
Today I. and I had a great day, probably the best since V.'s been gone. We had a lot of fun together and she has been a lot more physically affectionate with me as a result of V. not being here, which is sad due to the reason but I'll take it! We laughed, hugged, played, and even relaxed a little together.
It was just one of those days when I'm proud of myself and so happy with my little world.
I. and I have been invited tomorrow to an early dinner at Mark's parents' house, where he is now living. I am really touched by this since they have been including me in things as though I am family. To show my gratitude, Italian style, I made some Cranberry Almond biscotti tonight. It looks very festive! It's been about 8 years since I've made it and forgot how long the process takes. But, I'm always excited to see just part of the finished product:
V.'s phone has not been working the last 2 days. Supposedly some cable was cut in the Mediterranean thus spotty phone service. I guess I should be thankful though 'cause the guy he went over there with, tripped 2 days ago and fell so hard that he's still in the hospital. No broken bones but he's so swollen up that they've been keeping him. The scary thing is that he had a blood clot (due to the long flights to Saudi Arabia) about 6 months ago and is still battling that with medication. So this fall is not good considering he's flying home on the 23rd on a God awful long 24 hour flight.
Four more days until V.'s home and then I can rest easy for a little while...
So, what do I do? I cry. This coming from a person who doesn't cry very often, certainly not in front of others, and most of the time can't cry even when she wants to. But right there in the PJ section of Target I cry. Not sobbing, snotty, loud crying but the tearing up, sniffling kind of crying but in my heart, I was sobbing. I had to go back, get another cart and try to repick everything I had. Of course, a few of the cards, the baby toy, and some of I.'s stuffer items were the last they had so that didn't help with my recovery. I was surprised by my reaction but just let myself "be" for a change, figuring that this sudden loss of a cart, unexpected and unfair finally opened the floodgates (just a little) to my buried feelings about Mark (ie. loss, unexpected, and unfair). My therapist would be proud.
Today I. and I had a great day, probably the best since V.'s been gone. We had a lot of fun together and she has been a lot more physically affectionate with me as a result of V. not being here, which is sad due to the reason but I'll take it! We laughed, hugged, played, and even relaxed a little together.
It was just one of those days when I'm proud of myself and so happy with my little world.
I. and I have been invited tomorrow to an early dinner at Mark's parents' house, where he is now living. I am really touched by this since they have been including me in things as though I am family. To show my gratitude, Italian style, I made some Cranberry Almond biscotti tonight. It looks very festive! It's been about 8 years since I've made it and forgot how long the process takes. But, I'm always excited to see just part of the finished product:
V.'s phone has not been working the last 2 days. Supposedly some cable was cut in the Mediterranean thus spotty phone service. I guess I should be thankful though 'cause the guy he went over there with, tripped 2 days ago and fell so hard that he's still in the hospital. No broken bones but he's so swollen up that they've been keeping him. The scary thing is that he had a blood clot (due to the long flights to Saudi Arabia) about 6 months ago and is still battling that with medication. So this fall is not good considering he's flying home on the 23rd on a God awful long 24 hour flight.
Four more days until V.'s home and then I can rest easy for a little while...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A Mixed Bag
I've been working on a video to send to V from I about how she is missing him because she certainly is. After a lot of glitches, fits and starts, I think it's almost ready to send him...finally. The song I set to it is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and that's a whole tragic but touching story we won't get into here. We finally had a decent morning and I. opened up around noontime, verbalizing her feelings. It only took 8 days and this after me trying to help her verbalizing what she's feeling "I miss Daddy. Do you miss Daddy? I'm sad Daddy's not here. Are you feeling sad that Daddy's not here?"
I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.
On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.
Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?
I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.
On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.
Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Today Turned Into a Good Day
Every day since V has been gone, I has thrown some sort of a whiny tantrum when V calls or when we've tried the webcam. She just doesn't know how to handle or communicate the overwhelming emotions she must be feeling. I try to help her - "Mommy misses Daddy. Do you miss Daddy?" and she responds but it's with words from her brain and it doesn't seem to let off the steam from her heart and then it percolates until she hears/sees him and then it explodes. My brain understands it but when I want to hear V's voice and I is screaming, I get irritated and banish her to the bathroom. Hopefully this will get better somehow, someway since we still have 5-6 months of this crap to go through.
Anyways, the day got better in the afternoon in a roundabout way. Mark and his wife and new son were planning on coming over this afternoon to collect their cats and visit. The rain was just pouring down so they cancelled and will come tomorrow. While I was excited to see them, I was feeling guilty because I've wanted to spend some quality downtime at home with I but with errands, the gym, and her early bedtime, it seems we are always on the go. But since our plans fell through, we ended up baking, which we enjoy doing together, pumpkin cranberry bread with the rain pouring outside, the Christmas music on inside and the tree lit up and cheering us up. Then we read some special Christmas books I only get out at this time of year and it just was what the doctor ordered. We snuggled, laughed,and her bedtime was bathed in contentment.
Thank God for a rainy day!
Anyways, the day got better in the afternoon in a roundabout way. Mark and his wife and new son were planning on coming over this afternoon to collect their cats and visit. The rain was just pouring down so they cancelled and will come tomorrow. While I was excited to see them, I was feeling guilty because I've wanted to spend some quality downtime at home with I but with errands, the gym, and her early bedtime, it seems we are always on the go. But since our plans fell through, we ended up baking, which we enjoy doing together, pumpkin cranberry bread with the rain pouring outside, the Christmas music on inside and the tree lit up and cheering us up. Then we read some special Christmas books I only get out at this time of year and it just was what the doctor ordered. We snuggled, laughed,and her bedtime was bathed in contentment.
Thank God for a rainy day!
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