Yesterday was another uphill climb of a day. I know how much I. needs sleep. I've made HUGE sacrifices every since she's been born to ensure she gets enough sleep. This has been one of the reasons I stressed out when I found out I was pregnant with D. I knew they would ultimately wind up in the same bedroom and I knew it could end up with dire consequences if I. did not get enough sleep.
I have to admit, it's going much better than anticipated though not without a steep price. Yes, they are pretty much on the same sleep schedule which is downright amazing considering a 6 year difference. It's evened out by D.'s predictable (2) 1.5 naps a day. I still make a concerted effort to get I. to bed at a time that allows her to mellow out for a bit and then fall asleep while still giving her about 11-12 hours of sleep which she needs in order to function as a well behaved, well rested child. There are rules however to safeguard her sleep and she willfully disobeyed one of those and yesterday we all paid the price. Consequences were swift. We were going to go to the beach in the morning when D. woke up but not with the behavior going on so that was a big loss. Instead we went grocery shopping (pretty depressing, huh?). Instead of playing with her while D. was asleep, I got things done and relaxed which I really needed to do since I was battling nursing issues and some virus of some sort.
Last night I wrote in I. and I's journal. She pulled it out at dinner yesterday and said, "You said we were going to have a fun summer!" And I replied, "I have had a lot of fun things planned for the summer but we haven't been able to do them because of your behavior." I explained to her what her rights were (safety, food, love) and privileges (tv, video games, fun outings, toys, clothes) and that in order for the latter to happen, her behavior had to be acceptable. So I wrote in the journal and she read it this morning and once again, my girl reappeared today. Helpful, cheerful, no back talking, very little complaining, and almost no negativity. She woke up today at 4:30am so she was yawning and saying she was tired at 3:30pm but she still kept it together.
This makes me feel better because I know she can control herself when she chooses to. Since I have bipolar,schizo, and depression tendencies running through my genes I am unfortunately on alert for these things in my kids. Is I. acting this way because she is unable to control herself, is she bipolar? Or is she just needing to mature and be required to control her strong emotions as she gets older? I think the answer is that she can when she wants to but sometimes if the price is not steep enough and she just doesn't feel like it, she lets it all hang out.
I guess I just have to have hope and keep praying for her and for me to keep consistently and calmly doing the right thing. And keep communicating verbally and writing in our journal since that seems to make it further in her heart. The words I say she doesn't want to hear even when I keep them to a short minimum. She says,"I don't want to hear any more." It seems not so much to be her being rude as it is that the words overwhelm her. Yet I can write quite a bit and say a lot of things in a written format and she seems to not only take it in but take it to heart and enjoy it.
I love my girl. She is so complicated that it exhausts me almost all of the time lately but I'll tell you what, if she emerges into adulthood successfully there will be no person prouder and quicker to take a lot of credit than myself. She is a true investment.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
It's Approaching
D.'s first birthday is quickly approaching and I feel like each day it's approaching more quickly. His actual birth has been on my mind lately and each time I think about it, I'm so thankful for having that experience, our beautiful experience. Getting to do it the way I really wanted to was such a blessing and I'll just never forget it.
I've also thinking a lot about the days just before he was born probably because next week is VBS. I remember fervently praying that I would make it past VBS so that I. could attend the whole thing uninterrupted. And I did, by a matter of hours. I was having some contractions that last VBS day but was still a couple of weeks away from his due date so I didn't get too concerned. But the day after VBS, I. and I went to my doctor's appointment where I was told there was no change and that it looked like I still had a couple of weeks to go even though I was having contractions. Then we walked over to the cafeteria to have lunch, which was a big deal to I., because I had to have the stress test in the afternoon. During the stress test, I. played video games and I laid there listening to D.'s heart beat and feeling him thrash around in my belly. The nurse came in and looked at the paper strip and made a comment about all the contractions I was having. Afterwards as we were walking back over to the doctor's office, a contraction hit strong enough to make me stop, grab my belly and have to catch my breath. That's when I thought, oh boy I think this might be the start of the real thing...which it was.
And now I'm looking at the box just delivered today full of D.'s first birthday decorations and I just cannot believe how fast this year has gone. It's been so full of joy, happiness, and a deep contentment and knowing that I/we have truly been blessed by D. He brought a completeness to our family and to each one of us individually and does so every single day.
I've also thinking a lot about the days just before he was born probably because next week is VBS. I remember fervently praying that I would make it past VBS so that I. could attend the whole thing uninterrupted. And I did, by a matter of hours. I was having some contractions that last VBS day but was still a couple of weeks away from his due date so I didn't get too concerned. But the day after VBS, I. and I went to my doctor's appointment where I was told there was no change and that it looked like I still had a couple of weeks to go even though I was having contractions. Then we walked over to the cafeteria to have lunch, which was a big deal to I., because I had to have the stress test in the afternoon. During the stress test, I. played video games and I laid there listening to D.'s heart beat and feeling him thrash around in my belly. The nurse came in and looked at the paper strip and made a comment about all the contractions I was having. Afterwards as we were walking back over to the doctor's office, a contraction hit strong enough to make me stop, grab my belly and have to catch my breath. That's when I thought, oh boy I think this might be the start of the real thing...which it was.
And now I'm looking at the box just delivered today full of D.'s first birthday decorations and I just cannot believe how fast this year has gone. It's been so full of joy, happiness, and a deep contentment and knowing that I/we have truly been blessed by D. He brought a completeness to our family and to each one of us individually and does so every single day.
Jekyll and Hyde
Each morning when I wake up, before I get out of bed I pray for patience, wisdom and a gentle heart because I have no idea who I'll be encountering throughout the day when it comes to I. These days it seems I spend time with Jekyll and Hyde instead of I.
Last week I suppose was the honeymoon week after I. spent 4 days at my parents' house. I. was back to her loving, appreciative, positive, happy, and sometimes helpful self. However, this week has been an entirely different story. The first two days of the week went really badly - loud crying tantrums about putting toys away in her room in the morning followed by another one when the loss of tv privileges for the day were revoked as a consequence. The afternoon featured talking back, not minding, and giving attitude when asked to do anything and another tantrum occurred when I yanked my reading to her at bedtime as the consequence. First thing in the morning Tuesday we started our day with a blatant lie to my face leading to privileges being revoked, resulting in a screaming tantrum albeit shorter. Honestly I think the worst punishment was that she had to apologize for lying. Sadly I think the only reason she finally did apologize was because she knew another consequence was about to come down. In the afternoon, she made me a card that she wrote,"Just want to let you know that I love you so much Mommy. I do I do I do love you." So sweet yet very confusing to me.
Yesterday morning she cleaned up her room thoroughly without complaint which was great and was a significant improvement. Things were okay until midday when the negative complaining started up again and since she just seemed to not be able to stop her mouth, I told her to go into her room before it got her into more trouble. Again in the afternoon, she made me a card that said,"I am so sorry about the way I acted Mommy and I hope you know that I love you and you are the best Mommy that I could ever have." It made me tear up and I told her that I loved the card and I wished this Isabella with the sweet heart would be around a lot more than she had been lately.
Today was better, no cleaning up problems and when she started complaining and to make snotty, defiant comments, I told her that she needed to control her mouth or go somewhere else unless she wanted to be punished. And she pretty much stopped. Unfortunately she ignored my "you need to lower your voice" several times at the chiropractor late this afternoon and threw a little tantrum there so I calmly told her on the way home that that was unacceptable behavior and that she would be going straight to bed after bath without me reading to her. What was interesting is that she didn't cry, scream or carry on like she usually does. I think she expected it and therefore, accepted it.
So maybe I am making headway. Throughout this week I've explained to her that my job as a mommy is not to be her friend but to love her and to teach her right from wrong and how to make good choices. Sometimes that means that I have to discipline her when she makes bad choices and I don't enjoy it but it's part of my job and I have to do it. She gets that now. She may not like it, but she gets it. By giving out consequences quickly and consistently, I feel less angry and frustrated and able to move past the tirade more quickly because I feel like it's been dealt with.
I don't want it to look like all I've been doing is punishing her because we've done plenty of fun things too. Every day we play cards together or do a science experiment or color. Tomorrow we're going in the pool for a couple of hours and hit the library in the afternoon. It's just a matter of balance between what needs to get done and things we do for fun. I just wish that switch between Jekyll and Hyde came with a flashing light so that you could see when it's coming and be a little less blindsided. I. is just a complicated child with so much going on internally and very little easing out externally until an explosion hits. I know V. being gone all week has played a significant role based on things she says here and there. Since Monday she's been "wishing it was Friday so Daddy would be home." and "I only like Saturdays and Sundays because Daddy's home, I don't like the other days." I can empathize with her but I can't fix it and it's frustrating. It's also frustrating because when I tell V., he doesn't believe it really and I don't know if it's because of his past divorce and not being a huge part of the girls' lives. When I tell him what I. says he says, "She's just saying that to get to you and look, it's working." I've told him to stop poo-pooing her feelings and start being more sensitive towards her feelings because he's going to hurt her heart and if he hurts her heart, I'm gonna kill him. Plain and simple. I've even developed a code word that I say to him when I sense that she is needing him or something from him and he's obliviously trampling on her or not taking her seriously. It has helped and adds levity to what could be a trigger to really bad feelings between V. and I.
I hope by the end of summer that we are in a good place, a more peaceful and consistently happy place.
Last week I suppose was the honeymoon week after I. spent 4 days at my parents' house. I. was back to her loving, appreciative, positive, happy, and sometimes helpful self. However, this week has been an entirely different story. The first two days of the week went really badly - loud crying tantrums about putting toys away in her room in the morning followed by another one when the loss of tv privileges for the day were revoked as a consequence. The afternoon featured talking back, not minding, and giving attitude when asked to do anything and another tantrum occurred when I yanked my reading to her at bedtime as the consequence. First thing in the morning Tuesday we started our day with a blatant lie to my face leading to privileges being revoked, resulting in a screaming tantrum albeit shorter. Honestly I think the worst punishment was that she had to apologize for lying. Sadly I think the only reason she finally did apologize was because she knew another consequence was about to come down. In the afternoon, she made me a card that she wrote,"Just want to let you know that I love you so much Mommy. I do I do I do love you." So sweet yet very confusing to me.
Yesterday morning she cleaned up her room thoroughly without complaint which was great and was a significant improvement. Things were okay until midday when the negative complaining started up again and since she just seemed to not be able to stop her mouth, I told her to go into her room before it got her into more trouble. Again in the afternoon, she made me a card that said,"I am so sorry about the way I acted Mommy and I hope you know that I love you and you are the best Mommy that I could ever have." It made me tear up and I told her that I loved the card and I wished this Isabella with the sweet heart would be around a lot more than she had been lately.
Today was better, no cleaning up problems and when she started complaining and to make snotty, defiant comments, I told her that she needed to control her mouth or go somewhere else unless she wanted to be punished. And she pretty much stopped. Unfortunately she ignored my "you need to lower your voice" several times at the chiropractor late this afternoon and threw a little tantrum there so I calmly told her on the way home that that was unacceptable behavior and that she would be going straight to bed after bath without me reading to her. What was interesting is that she didn't cry, scream or carry on like she usually does. I think she expected it and therefore, accepted it.
So maybe I am making headway. Throughout this week I've explained to her that my job as a mommy is not to be her friend but to love her and to teach her right from wrong and how to make good choices. Sometimes that means that I have to discipline her when she makes bad choices and I don't enjoy it but it's part of my job and I have to do it. She gets that now. She may not like it, but she gets it. By giving out consequences quickly and consistently, I feel less angry and frustrated and able to move past the tirade more quickly because I feel like it's been dealt with.
I don't want it to look like all I've been doing is punishing her because we've done plenty of fun things too. Every day we play cards together or do a science experiment or color. Tomorrow we're going in the pool for a couple of hours and hit the library in the afternoon. It's just a matter of balance between what needs to get done and things we do for fun. I just wish that switch between Jekyll and Hyde came with a flashing light so that you could see when it's coming and be a little less blindsided. I. is just a complicated child with so much going on internally and very little easing out externally until an explosion hits. I know V. being gone all week has played a significant role based on things she says here and there. Since Monday she's been "wishing it was Friday so Daddy would be home." and "I only like Saturdays and Sundays because Daddy's home, I don't like the other days." I can empathize with her but I can't fix it and it's frustrating. It's also frustrating because when I tell V., he doesn't believe it really and I don't know if it's because of his past divorce and not being a huge part of the girls' lives. When I tell him what I. says he says, "She's just saying that to get to you and look, it's working." I've told him to stop poo-pooing her feelings and start being more sensitive towards her feelings because he's going to hurt her heart and if he hurts her heart, I'm gonna kill him. Plain and simple. I've even developed a code word that I say to him when I sense that she is needing him or something from him and he's obliviously trampling on her or not taking her seriously. It has helped and adds levity to what could be a trigger to really bad feelings between V. and I.
I hope by the end of summer that we are in a good place, a more peaceful and consistently happy place.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Parenting Lessons
I'm not the most spiritual mother and I know it. Do I pray for help and guidance as I parent? Yes I do but it's not an hourly or even daily habit. It probably should be. But what I do know and have had proof of is that when I'm really going through a rough patch and I'm feeling completely demoralized after several weeks of tough parenting time, God will direct me when I've been willing to accept help and be responsible for the part I have played in creating the tough times. It's humbling but extremely rewarding.
Since I. got out of school, it's been difficult. Negativity, talking back, tantrums all of it and this after I had such high hopes for our summer. I was completely shocked, so disappointed, and to be honest dreading the tween and teenage years if it was like this at age 6. A few minutes before I. got home from my parents' house, I opened a book I've read and have been known to refer to, "Parenting with Love and Logic." I really like this book but I haven't picked it up for months because to be honest the last thing I want to read or think about after the kids go to bed is a book about kids and the challenges of parenting. I mean, I've been LIVING the challenges of parenting all day long so I want to take a mental break from it when I can.
However, I happened to pick up the book right before she came home, kind of a way of taking a deep breath knowing that my force of nature was returning home after such an easy peasy 4 days with D. I opened the book where I had left off and the topic was "Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language". This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with so that was pretty wild right there. I read the 3 pages quickly and it put this nugget in my brain to think about - what am I doing that may be setting off this behavior in I.? Over the remainder of the day and evening I pondered that and came up with things I was doing unpurposely that would make her feel as though she were on the outside of D. and I. And it grieved my heart greatly because the whole pregnancy my main concern and sadness was about losing that Mommy and I. relationship. Yet by trying to savor these baby days with D., some of the stuff I was doing was leaving her out. I realized that this summer is also her time with D. Once she starts full day school in September, she won't have this time with D. yet I still will. This realization of course made me feel even worse.
Starting on Monday, I made changes allowing I. "full access" to D. except for when he needs to nurse. It's made a big difference. I also made a point of incorporating more fun. I was playing with her every day but I've stepped it up a little more and she's noticed. We've gone to get yogurt and played a little more, done extra crafts that she wanted to do, and tomorrow I'm surprising her by taking her to see Madagascar just the two of us. And that's before an afternoon play date with a school friend at our house in the afternoon that I scheduled. We play together with D. and I'm more silly and relaxed. Next week I've got some beach time and time at our pool on the calendar. Basically, I've just stepped it up. Does it make our calendar a little full? Yes, but at least it's full because I've beefed up the fun not because we have extra errands to do. Errands will always be there but this summer, our first full summer with the three of us, will only come once. I. is old enough now to remember these times and I want her memories to be good ones like I have with my mom. I also want to remember this summer with fondness and happiness not with regrets of what I should have done.
So although I may not be the most godly of mothers, I am so thankful that when I finally open up my heart and mind and ask for help, He hits me over the head with a hard cover book that helps me immensely.
Since I. got out of school, it's been difficult. Negativity, talking back, tantrums all of it and this after I had such high hopes for our summer. I was completely shocked, so disappointed, and to be honest dreading the tween and teenage years if it was like this at age 6. A few minutes before I. got home from my parents' house, I opened a book I've read and have been known to refer to, "Parenting with Love and Logic." I really like this book but I haven't picked it up for months because to be honest the last thing I want to read or think about after the kids go to bed is a book about kids and the challenges of parenting. I mean, I've been LIVING the challenges of parenting all day long so I want to take a mental break from it when I can.
However, I happened to pick up the book right before she came home, kind of a way of taking a deep breath knowing that my force of nature was returning home after such an easy peasy 4 days with D. I opened the book where I had left off and the topic was "Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language". This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with so that was pretty wild right there. I read the 3 pages quickly and it put this nugget in my brain to think about - what am I doing that may be setting off this behavior in I.? Over the remainder of the day and evening I pondered that and came up with things I was doing unpurposely that would make her feel as though she were on the outside of D. and I. And it grieved my heart greatly because the whole pregnancy my main concern and sadness was about losing that Mommy and I. relationship. Yet by trying to savor these baby days with D., some of the stuff I was doing was leaving her out. I realized that this summer is also her time with D. Once she starts full day school in September, she won't have this time with D. yet I still will. This realization of course made me feel even worse.
Starting on Monday, I made changes allowing I. "full access" to D. except for when he needs to nurse. It's made a big difference. I also made a point of incorporating more fun. I was playing with her every day but I've stepped it up a little more and she's noticed. We've gone to get yogurt and played a little more, done extra crafts that she wanted to do, and tomorrow I'm surprising her by taking her to see Madagascar just the two of us. And that's before an afternoon play date with a school friend at our house in the afternoon that I scheduled. We play together with D. and I'm more silly and relaxed. Next week I've got some beach time and time at our pool on the calendar. Basically, I've just stepped it up. Does it make our calendar a little full? Yes, but at least it's full because I've beefed up the fun not because we have extra errands to do. Errands will always be there but this summer, our first full summer with the three of us, will only come once. I. is old enough now to remember these times and I want her memories to be good ones like I have with my mom. I also want to remember this summer with fondness and happiness not with regrets of what I should have done.
So although I may not be the most godly of mothers, I am so thankful that when I finally open up my heart and mind and ask for help, He hits me over the head with a hard cover book that helps me immensely.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Rough First Night
Last night was the first night the kids were in the same room. It wasn't the going to sleep part that was tough. It was the 3am D. waking up and babbling part that went haywire. For some reason, I. thought this was a good time to get up for the day though she knows better so both kids were up at 3am. for the day. I woke up at 4:45 hearing things so today we didn't feel all that great.
That being said, I. and I got along better with attitude adjustments on both sides. I'm praying hard for a better night's sleep for all of us tonight.
That being said, I. and I got along better with attitude adjustments on both sides. I'm praying hard for a better night's sleep for all of us tonight.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Perfect Day
Today I decided that D. and I would go to the beach for his first time. Part of me felt guilty since I would be the only one witnessing his first beach experience but then I thought longer about it. It's just that V. doesn't seem to get the significance which ends up annoying me and takes away from my joy. And I., well she would just be annoyed that I couldn't spend most of the time playing with her and it might end up turning into a disappointing outing complete with a tantrum. I just really wanted to be in the moment and enjoy it thoroughly and to be honest, D. deserves to have some "firsts" with his momma just like I. has enjoyed all these years.
And enjoy it we did. D. liked the sand and had no hesitation with it. I wasn't sure how he'd react because he isn't comfortable with grass and I. never really liked the sand. She still hates to get things on her hands; if anything she's gotten more fussy about it. But D. dug right in and loved putting the rocks in and out of his bucket. That didn't compare to how much he loved the ocean. As soon as we walked on the beach, he noticed the water and waves. I thought perhaps the coldness of the water might give him pause but not at all. I was trying to take it slow with him, holding him up to get only his toes wet but he made it quite clear that he wanted more. He immediately went to all fours and began crawling towards the horizon with no fear. Even when the wave would come in, it would invigorate him more and make him crawl faster. It was insane! One look at his face and I could see he was in heaven. The great thing was that even though he was in love with the water, he loved the sand too and was happy to play in it for awhile. I just loved watching him, the expressions on his face and especially the way he would look up at me and smile.
I love my boy, my 11 month old boy as of today. I found it ironic that I used to have night terrors often but since D. has been born and sleeping in the same room, I've had maybe two. Two in 11 months is amazing. However, last night the first night he slept in his own room, I had a really bad night terror that I woke up twice from, fell back to sleep and went right back into. Then I had another stressful dream after that. All of the dreams had one thing in common - they revolved around and were about D. Hopefully now that V. is back and will now be sleeping in the bed with me, the dreams will subside.
And enjoy it we did. D. liked the sand and had no hesitation with it. I wasn't sure how he'd react because he isn't comfortable with grass and I. never really liked the sand. She still hates to get things on her hands; if anything she's gotten more fussy about it. But D. dug right in and loved putting the rocks in and out of his bucket. That didn't compare to how much he loved the ocean. As soon as we walked on the beach, he noticed the water and waves. I thought perhaps the coldness of the water might give him pause but not at all. I was trying to take it slow with him, holding him up to get only his toes wet but he made it quite clear that he wanted more. He immediately went to all fours and began crawling towards the horizon with no fear. Even when the wave would come in, it would invigorate him more and make him crawl faster. It was insane! One look at his face and I could see he was in heaven. The great thing was that even though he was in love with the water, he loved the sand too and was happy to play in it for awhile. I just loved watching him, the expressions on his face and especially the way he would look up at me and smile.
I love my boy, my 11 month old boy as of today. I found it ironic that I used to have night terrors often but since D. has been born and sleeping in the same room, I've had maybe two. Two in 11 months is amazing. However, last night the first night he slept in his own room, I had a really bad night terror that I woke up twice from, fell back to sleep and went right back into. Then I had another stressful dream after that. All of the dreams had one thing in common - they revolved around and were about D. Hopefully now that V. is back and will now be sleeping in the bed with me, the dreams will subside.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Disappointed with a Side of Hope
Putting it mildly, I'm disappointment and discouraged. This summer is not what I hoped for, not by a long shot. When I. has been on vacation during the school year, it's been great. She's been cheerful, helpful, positive, and loving. So going into this summer that's what I pictured I was getting, that kid.
Instead I have been left with this other kid - the negative, grumbling one. Oh she'll help but only when she chooses to and she'll be cheerful and positive but only when things are going the way she wants. I'm at a loss, I'm dumbfounded. I didn't raise her to be a brat or a complainer. I've set boundaries, done the tough love while still being loving in between the tough moments. Yet here we are.
Each day I end up disappointed, frustrated, and feeling like things are so off the track and I don't know what to change to get things back on track. I spend one on one time with her while D. is down for naps, playing with her some, cooking together, doing science projects together etc. and while she is happy during these times, as soon as they are over and we need to get some things done Negative Nelly shows up. "This is SO b-o-r-i-n-g." "You never play with me." "You always feed D. first." "You never do anything for me." You get the idea. It's like being on a roller coaster which I dislike immensely. In the morning things are great then things are not good, then okay again, then crappy and sometimes we end up with I. telling me I'm the best Mommy ever. WHAT?! It's exhausting to me. One time I pointed out that she was being negative and that if she couldn't say anything nice to not say anything more so what does she do? She screams at me, "I love you" Huh?
The only thing I take comfort in is that she understands that my job is to teach her wrong from right and that she won't always like it when I'm teaching her. When we've talked a couple of times, she has told me this and I overhear her telling D., "It's okay, you don't know wrong from right but I'll teach you.". This provides me with a glimmer of hope that maybe we're not off the path, at least not too far.
For the next 4 days, she is spending time at my parents' house and she was so excited. Part of me is dreading next week, though I'm trying not to expend any energy toward it, because at my parents' she is the center of attention and it's fun, fun, fun non stop as it should be when you're with your grandparents. I don't imagine that this will help next week when we have a more balanced week. However, I'm not going to think about it for the next 4 days. I'm going to enjoy having D. all to myself. I plan on kissing and hugging on him as much as possible since I won't be under surveillance. I can't imagine having just one kid again and an easy kid at that. Should be a cinch, though I do need to get some major baby clothing projects done and work on I.'s room.
Speaking of that....tonight will be the last night that D. is sleeping in the same room as me. Tomorrow night, he will begin sleeping in I.'s room while she's gone and Sunday when she gets home will be the first night they sleep in the same room. Oh boy that should be fun. I am sad about him moving out of my bedroom because I love being the first one he sees in the morning. I get out of bed, open the closet door, and there he is sitting up smiling at me. It's the best sight ever. But he'll be 11 months this week and it's been a longer run that I hoped for so I will try to just be grateful for that time.
Instead I have been left with this other kid - the negative, grumbling one. Oh she'll help but only when she chooses to and she'll be cheerful and positive but only when things are going the way she wants. I'm at a loss, I'm dumbfounded. I didn't raise her to be a brat or a complainer. I've set boundaries, done the tough love while still being loving in between the tough moments. Yet here we are.
Each day I end up disappointed, frustrated, and feeling like things are so off the track and I don't know what to change to get things back on track. I spend one on one time with her while D. is down for naps, playing with her some, cooking together, doing science projects together etc. and while she is happy during these times, as soon as they are over and we need to get some things done Negative Nelly shows up. "This is SO b-o-r-i-n-g." "You never play with me." "You always feed D. first." "You never do anything for me." You get the idea. It's like being on a roller coaster which I dislike immensely. In the morning things are great then things are not good, then okay again, then crappy and sometimes we end up with I. telling me I'm the best Mommy ever. WHAT?! It's exhausting to me. One time I pointed out that she was being negative and that if she couldn't say anything nice to not say anything more so what does she do? She screams at me, "I love you" Huh?
The only thing I take comfort in is that she understands that my job is to teach her wrong from right and that she won't always like it when I'm teaching her. When we've talked a couple of times, she has told me this and I overhear her telling D., "It's okay, you don't know wrong from right but I'll teach you.". This provides me with a glimmer of hope that maybe we're not off the path, at least not too far.
For the next 4 days, she is spending time at my parents' house and she was so excited. Part of me is dreading next week, though I'm trying not to expend any energy toward it, because at my parents' she is the center of attention and it's fun, fun, fun non stop as it should be when you're with your grandparents. I don't imagine that this will help next week when we have a more balanced week. However, I'm not going to think about it for the next 4 days. I'm going to enjoy having D. all to myself. I plan on kissing and hugging on him as much as possible since I won't be under surveillance. I can't imagine having just one kid again and an easy kid at that. Should be a cinch, though I do need to get some major baby clothing projects done and work on I.'s room.
Speaking of that....tonight will be the last night that D. is sleeping in the same room as me. Tomorrow night, he will begin sleeping in I.'s room while she's gone and Sunday when she gets home will be the first night they sleep in the same room. Oh boy that should be fun. I am sad about him moving out of my bedroom because I love being the first one he sees in the morning. I get out of bed, open the closet door, and there he is sitting up smiling at me. It's the best sight ever. But he'll be 11 months this week and it's been a longer run that I hoped for so I will try to just be grateful for that time.
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