It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.
Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.
I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.
One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.
Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
IT Happened Again
The day started promising enough, D. went back to sleep after a 4:55 feeding and took a good nap until 11:30. I pumped around 11 and combined some past milk pumping into a bottle so that when he woke up, we could just leave and head to I.'s Christmas party.
All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.
So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.
And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.
I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.
All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.
So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.
And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.
I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Fighting the Spiral
I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.
D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.
Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.
The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."
If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.
That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."
It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.
The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...
D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.
Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.
The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."
If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.
That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."
It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.
The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Testing
I should be going to bed right now since I've been up since 4:30 am. but as always, I try to stretch my adult, me time as much as possible. I'll be berating myself tomorrow morning I suspect.
It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.
We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.
We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.
All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.
It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.
We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.
We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.
All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.
Friday, December 9, 2011
One Year Later
Today, a year ago, I was coming home from the gym when I realized "Hey, I should have started my period about 5 days ago and I don't feel like I'm going to start anytime soon. Wait a minute....should I take a test? Nah, but just in case, I guess I should."
Reading back through my blogs of this time period, I was really trying to get my brain around this concept of a second kid and conquering my fear that this one would be another difficult kid (at least in the early days). I was scared, stressed, exhausted, and trying not to be overwhelmed with the what ifs. And I had to wait for V. to come home to break the news to him, unsure how exactly he would feel, unsure of exactly how I felt.
A year later here we are. I am convinced that we must have been blessed with the sweetest, happiest baby there ever was. Every day I can't believe that we got him. A large part of me cringes when I say this and feels bad as though by saying this, I am slighting I. somehow, finding fault. I don't mean it like that though. I feel like in order to really and truly make it in the world as a girl, you have to be extra tough - willing to stand up for yourself and for what is right and also be willing to argue. I had the first two but not the third. I hate to argue and will do anything to avoid it. However, I. has inherited from her daddy the will to stick with a point and stay with it (ie. argue) much to my present chagrin but I know it will serve her well in her journey to a successful life. I have a sneaking suspicion that I. is going to be my kid who is not necessarily the easiest to raise but will be the one I am exceedingly proud of.
Not to say that I won't be proud of D. because I will be but the days are early and I very well may be proud of different things for him. D. is already very different temperamentally from I. - he's easygoing, patient, and always cheerful. Even if he's only slept for 10 minutes, he's quick to smile at a stranger (usually a female) smiling at him and making direct eye contact. I so cherish the bathtime routine because this is when he really laughs, coos, and squeals. This is his ticklish, giggly time and it seems like no matter what I do, he's responding. While bathtime is probably my favorite time, book time with both I. and D. is my second favorite time. Now that he's old enough and is recognizing routines, we set him in the middle of I.'s pillow and lay down on both sides of him while I read 2 books. He gets so excited while I'm reading - his eyes open up wide, his arms and legs kicking and punching wiht excitement with various verbal noises being made. It's so cool to see another kid excited about books. I. was the same way at this age and look at her reading now! My third favorite time is when D. wakes up for feeing at 5:45ish, I feed him until 6:15 and then we snuggle in bed til 6:30. I open up the sliding glass door blinds so we can watch the sky lighten against the dark shadows of the trees. I cuddle up to him, taking in all his smells (hopefully I've changed him at this point into a clean diaper), seeing his arms move up and down, his hands clench and unclench, and watch his eyes and face serenely taking in all these sights.
A year ago today I found out I was pregnant, and a year later, I realize just how blessed I am. I am so thankful and so lucky.
Reading back through my blogs of this time period, I was really trying to get my brain around this concept of a second kid and conquering my fear that this one would be another difficult kid (at least in the early days). I was scared, stressed, exhausted, and trying not to be overwhelmed with the what ifs. And I had to wait for V. to come home to break the news to him, unsure how exactly he would feel, unsure of exactly how I felt.
A year later here we are. I am convinced that we must have been blessed with the sweetest, happiest baby there ever was. Every day I can't believe that we got him. A large part of me cringes when I say this and feels bad as though by saying this, I am slighting I. somehow, finding fault. I don't mean it like that though. I feel like in order to really and truly make it in the world as a girl, you have to be extra tough - willing to stand up for yourself and for what is right and also be willing to argue. I had the first two but not the third. I hate to argue and will do anything to avoid it. However, I. has inherited from her daddy the will to stick with a point and stay with it (ie. argue) much to my present chagrin but I know it will serve her well in her journey to a successful life. I have a sneaking suspicion that I. is going to be my kid who is not necessarily the easiest to raise but will be the one I am exceedingly proud of.
Not to say that I won't be proud of D. because I will be but the days are early and I very well may be proud of different things for him. D. is already very different temperamentally from I. - he's easygoing, patient, and always cheerful. Even if he's only slept for 10 minutes, he's quick to smile at a stranger (usually a female) smiling at him and making direct eye contact. I so cherish the bathtime routine because this is when he really laughs, coos, and squeals. This is his ticklish, giggly time and it seems like no matter what I do, he's responding. While bathtime is probably my favorite time, book time with both I. and D. is my second favorite time. Now that he's old enough and is recognizing routines, we set him in the middle of I.'s pillow and lay down on both sides of him while I read 2 books. He gets so excited while I'm reading - his eyes open up wide, his arms and legs kicking and punching wiht excitement with various verbal noises being made. It's so cool to see another kid excited about books. I. was the same way at this age and look at her reading now! My third favorite time is when D. wakes up for feeing at 5:45ish, I feed him until 6:15 and then we snuggle in bed til 6:30. I open up the sliding glass door blinds so we can watch the sky lighten against the dark shadows of the trees. I cuddle up to him, taking in all his smells (hopefully I've changed him at this point into a clean diaper), seeing his arms move up and down, his hands clench and unclench, and watch his eyes and face serenely taking in all these sights.
A year ago today I found out I was pregnant, and a year later, I realize just how blessed I am. I am so thankful and so lucky.
Morning Bliss
Sitting in the rocking chair in the early light of dawn, quietly nursing a snuggly sleepy baby, watching the sky get lighter and lighter against the dark contrast of the tall eucalyptus trees, I hear the beep of the coffeemaker announcing that there is a freshly brewed pot of coffee awaiting me.
Morning bliss.
Morning bliss.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Hmm Interesting (at least to me)
Last time I was at my therapist's office, I told her how I've noticed feeling anxious and ultra sensitive to noise especially but also to the number of people swirling about. She wondered if it had anything to do with the last stressful moments of D.'s delivery. I really didn't even give it alot of thought and pretty much dismissed it out of hand because I ended up with such a wonderful kid.
Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.
It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.
Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.
D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.
Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.
It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.
Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.
D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Morning After
I did the last feeding late for D. last night (finished @11:10) so he woke up at 4:45am for his next feeding. Yes, part of me rejoiced that I got 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep but part of me was stressing because I had a sneaking suspicion that D. would not go back to sleep.
I was right, he didn't go back to sleep but I didn't feel too bad since my sleep was uninterrupted. I let him fuss in his bed for 30 minutes until it was 6:10 and starting to get light in my bedroom. Then I cranked open the blinds to let in more light and got him up. My thought process was that I only want to greet him and get him up for the day when it is nice and light. No, I can't make him go back to sleep at 5:30 but it's still dark then and if I get him up and start socializing with him while it is dark, this is sending the wrong message to him.
So at 6:10, I got him up, set him on the pillow with me with his head facing the sliding glass door with the great view of his favorite...big trees with light behind it...and we stared at the view and snuggled until 6:30. For someone who is definitely not a morning person (ME), it was a really sweet way to begin the day.
At 6:30, I.'s door popped open and it was time for me to start getting ready for the day. So I took D. into her room for their morning time and when I came into her room, she immediately said, "I saw what you wrote." with a big smile and read it to me. Then she said, "I wrote something for you." She turned the page and what do I see but that she has copied most of what I wrote for her but tailored it to her momma plus a little more. My heart was full. We've turned a new leaf now that she can read because now I can easily slip her notes of love here and there and not only can she read them, they touch her heart and soul.
I've been reading a lot lately and my major goal is to help her connect to and voice her emotions. She has the emotions of a female/me but the reticence of V. which is not a good combination. I've got my work cut out for me but this week I did well with helping her identify how she was feeling and right afterwards, it was like she couldn't stop telling me things about school and what was going on. Like the floodgates were opened so I know I'm on the right path. I just have to be diligent about it.
I was right, he didn't go back to sleep but I didn't feel too bad since my sleep was uninterrupted. I let him fuss in his bed for 30 minutes until it was 6:10 and starting to get light in my bedroom. Then I cranked open the blinds to let in more light and got him up. My thought process was that I only want to greet him and get him up for the day when it is nice and light. No, I can't make him go back to sleep at 5:30 but it's still dark then and if I get him up and start socializing with him while it is dark, this is sending the wrong message to him.
So at 6:10, I got him up, set him on the pillow with me with his head facing the sliding glass door with the great view of his favorite...big trees with light behind it...and we stared at the view and snuggled until 6:30. For someone who is definitely not a morning person (ME), it was a really sweet way to begin the day.
At 6:30, I.'s door popped open and it was time for me to start getting ready for the day. So I took D. into her room for their morning time and when I came into her room, she immediately said, "I saw what you wrote." with a big smile and read it to me. Then she said, "I wrote something for you." She turned the page and what do I see but that she has copied most of what I wrote for her but tailored it to her momma plus a little more. My heart was full. We've turned a new leaf now that she can read because now I can easily slip her notes of love here and there and not only can she read them, they touch her heart and soul.
I've been reading a lot lately and my major goal is to help her connect to and voice her emotions. She has the emotions of a female/me but the reticence of V. which is not a good combination. I've got my work cut out for me but this week I did well with helping her identify how she was feeling and right afterwards, it was like she couldn't stop telling me things about school and what was going on. Like the floodgates were opened so I know I'm on the right path. I just have to be diligent about it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I.'s Journal
We had I.'s parent teacher conference a couple of weeks ago and one thing she suggested since I. enjoyed it so much was to get a notebook/journal for I. to write and draw in for home use. So last week while she was on break, we got one.
She wanted me to write on the front of the notebook that it was her journal so I did that tonight. Then knowing that she would be eagerly writing in it first thing in the morning, I turned a new page and wrote all the positive things that I. is. I have a feeling that she will be tickled to discover it in the morning.
Yesterday, I previewed the annual photo book that we give our parents to I. When she saw the photos and heard what I wrote, she snuggled under my arm and said, "Mommy you're so special." I asked her if what I wrote made her feel warm and happy inside and she said "yes" and snuggled deeper against me. It made it all worth it.
I can imagine what she will feel when she opens her journal and reads what I have written about her, my awesome baby girl.
She wanted me to write on the front of the notebook that it was her journal so I did that tonight. Then knowing that she would be eagerly writing in it first thing in the morning, I turned a new page and wrote all the positive things that I. is. I have a feeling that she will be tickled to discover it in the morning.
Yesterday, I previewed the annual photo book that we give our parents to I. When she saw the photos and heard what I wrote, she snuggled under my arm and said, "Mommy you're so special." I asked her if what I wrote made her feel warm and happy inside and she said "yes" and snuggled deeper against me. It made it all worth it.
I can imagine what she will feel when she opens her journal and reads what I have written about her, my awesome baby girl.
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