Hmm Interesting (at least to me)

Last time I was at my therapist's office, I told her how I've noticed feeling anxious and ultra sensitive to noise especially but also to the number of people swirling about. She wondered if it had anything to do with the last stressful moments of D.'s delivery. I really didn't even give it alot of thought and pretty much dismissed it out of hand because I ended up with such a wonderful kid.

Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.

It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.

Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.

D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.