Around 1:00, V. got back from taking the girls home and heading to the gym and when I came down from putting I. down for a rest, he says he has a present for me. So it turns out that he did get a Christmas present, after all that emotional pain. He said they didn't have it yesterday but got it in today. It's a little bit of a strange gift for me at this time in my life, but I'm not complaining. He got me Bose sound cancelling headphones. It is pretty amazing when you turn them on - you feel like you've gone deaf all of a sudden. I say it's strange because when V.'s here, I wouldn't want to use them obviously and when he's not, I'm watching tv and working on the computer and am on call for I. I can use them at resttime when I. is upstairs shaking the house and I may use them tomorrow morning when that damn dog up the hill starts barking its head off at 6:30am. However, I don't think I can sleep on my side with them on but I'm pretty desperate at that time in the morning. I know, I know, I'm spoiled but I really only get good sleep after 4:30am so this is prime time sleep for me. I like my gift but I probably won't get as much use of it now than I will in a couple of years (maybe).
The only thing I wish from this experience is that V. would have realized that since everyone had gotten their gifts, that I would have assumed he wasn't getting anything for me. He could have easily said this morning, "Your gift is coming." and I wouldn't have gone through that pain. So we're back at the lack of communication. Better than the issue of this morning though. I'll take it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Trying Not To Think Too Much
Thinking too much is never a good thing, at least when it comes to me. Overthinking leads to erroneous conclusions that can only make me feel bad. Knowing that, I am trying to not overthink but it is difficult.
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
95% Good, 5% Aggravating
The 5% aggravating occured because when I told V. we were going to go bowling tomorrow afternoon, he said he was going to be working up in LA so that he could bring the girls down. That pissed me off because he said he was only going up one day and if I had known, I NEVER would have requested him to go to work on Tuesday. Why the hell did he not say, "Well, I'm going to go to work on Friday to go get the girls." when I said, "If you are going to have to go to work one day this week, I request it be Tuesday." Just feels deceitful to me - he says he didn't think about it but he's always thinking things through so it just sounds like BS to me especially since he went out to lunch and a movie.
Aside from that, we had a good day. We went bowling (I.'s first time) this afternoon and we had a good time (until the end when we went to leave and I. melted down). She insisted on doing it all by herself and though the ball made it S-L-O-W-L-Y down the alley, it eventually made it and knocked some pins over. Tonight, V. and I went out for an early date night. We went walking on the beach for a bit and then for dinner nearby. He still wasn't talkative but at least during dinner, I could tell he was having a good time. As we spend more time together, we are clicking together humor-wise more often and that is good because it relays the foundation of friendship and fun upon which everything else was built.
Aside from that, we had a good day. We went bowling (I.'s first time) this afternoon and we had a good time (until the end when we went to leave and I. melted down). She insisted on doing it all by herself and though the ball made it S-L-O-W-L-Y down the alley, it eventually made it and knocked some pins over. Tonight, V. and I went out for an early date night. We went walking on the beach for a bit and then for dinner nearby. He still wasn't talkative but at least during dinner, I could tell he was having a good time. As we spend more time together, we are clicking together humor-wise more often and that is good because it relays the foundation of friendship and fun upon which everything else was built.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Drum Roll Please
Today was actually a good day in the life of the Valdez family. I'm so relieved. Maybe we just needed to get one good day under our belt and then we'll gain momentum. We spent a couple of hours at the USS Midway and had a good time. At one point, an elderly veteran who was volunteering began talking to us. He happened to have a patch on one of his eyes (can you see where this is going?) and as we were walking away, I. asks me loudly, "Is that man a pirate Momma?" Oh my gosh, so funny! Then she proceeded to ask V. two more times since my "No" did not satisfy her curiousity.
Then we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and had a late lunch which was also nice. Things definitely felt more relaxed and we were having a good time together. When we got home, V. went in the bathroom and when he came out, I. asked him,"Did you wipe your butt crack Daddy?" I was cracking up and V. was horrified, a combination that led I. to continue to ask the question. That kid!
Tonight felt much more relaxed and like days of old, complete with some lovin' and watching American Idol together which we enjoy doing. It's just the little simple things that make such a difference. Experiencing I.'s funny comments and chuckling later together about them, making rude, funny comments together while watching television, etc. This is the glue that's been missing over the last 14 months. There's still a lot of work to be done and it's only been one good day, but I really needed that one good day together just to prove and have hope that there's a chance we can be as good if not better than we were before.
Of course, we've got China looming in the fall which doesn't help keep that feeling of hope, but for now, it's here.
Then we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and had a late lunch which was also nice. Things definitely felt more relaxed and we were having a good time together. When we got home, V. went in the bathroom and when he came out, I. asked him,"Did you wipe your butt crack Daddy?" I was cracking up and V. was horrified, a combination that led I. to continue to ask the question. That kid!
Tonight felt much more relaxed and like days of old, complete with some lovin' and watching American Idol together which we enjoy doing. It's just the little simple things that make such a difference. Experiencing I.'s funny comments and chuckling later together about them, making rude, funny comments together while watching television, etc. This is the glue that's been missing over the last 14 months. There's still a lot of work to be done and it's only been one good day, but I really needed that one good day together just to prove and have hope that there's a chance we can be as good if not better than we were before.
Of course, we've got China looming in the fall which doesn't help keep that feeling of hope, but for now, it's here.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It Just Gets Weirder
V. told me last week when he got home that he would have to go into work one day a week during this time off. Since I. had speech therapy in the morning and we could get the grocery shopping out of the way too, I suggested that today would be the best day for V. to go into work. With everything that has been going on, it would give me a chance to get some breathing room and a break from the emotional onslaught.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
Monday, February 15, 2010
ReEntry Is Hard - Part 2
Another hard day but with maybe a sliver of hope at the end of it. I won't get into all the gory details because I really don't want to nor do I have the energy to do so. The bottom line was that again, I got only one word responses to any direct questions of mine and the rest of the time, V. was just silent. He had nothing to say and when I talked about something, he didn't even acknowledgement with a comment or sound that I had said anything. So I just stopped talking to him around lunchtime.
After I put I. down for a rest time, he asked if anything was wrong and so I just told him exactly how I felt including the part I posted in the blog last night. Later this evening I read him some of the blog (the part I felt was really most important to me) and he seems like he's trying to digest it. He was trying to pass it off as something like a jet lag (ie. it just takes a week or two) type of issue but I told him that was BS because he didn't even think he was acting differently so how the heck would he think of working on something he didn't even realize?
Lastly, I told him the statement that came to mind while I was in the shower tonight: it's like I'm living with a stranger which would be okay if he was a stranger. But he's my husband and I have expectations of him being a husband to me again in terms of companionship, fun, and kindness like he was before he left and he hasn't been so it's absolutely painful to me. It has been more painful for me since he's been home than when he was gone because every time he ignores me, doesn't respond to me, or acts like I'm not even there, it hurts as bad as anything ever has. We'll see what tomorrow holds...
After I put I. down for a rest time, he asked if anything was wrong and so I just told him exactly how I felt including the part I posted in the blog last night. Later this evening I read him some of the blog (the part I felt was really most important to me) and he seems like he's trying to digest it. He was trying to pass it off as something like a jet lag (ie. it just takes a week or two) type of issue but I told him that was BS because he didn't even think he was acting differently so how the heck would he think of working on something he didn't even realize?
Lastly, I told him the statement that came to mind while I was in the shower tonight: it's like I'm living with a stranger which would be okay if he was a stranger. But he's my husband and I have expectations of him being a husband to me again in terms of companionship, fun, and kindness like he was before he left and he hasn't been so it's absolutely painful to me. It has been more painful for me since he's been home than when he was gone because every time he ignores me, doesn't respond to me, or acts like I'm not even there, it hurts as bad as anything ever has. We'll see what tomorrow holds...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
ReEntry Is Hard
Yes, it's good to have the hubby home. Don't get me wrong, it is. But reentry is hard, damn hard.
First we have the time change issue. It's going okay but what's been difficult is the sleeping and low energy during the day and then him waking up around 10:30, right when I'm ready to go to bed. It causes me to stay up until 11:30/midnight, enjoying having company but leads to being tired the next day. The goal is to have him on our time zone not vice-versa.
Secondly, I. has been testing and being more defiant towards me since V.'s been home. Probably because he is not the disciplinarian in the household. This leads me to getting much more frustrated that things are not running as smoothly in the household and hating that I have to crack down more so than usual. I don't necessary mind being the bad guy (unless my spouse is playing the role of the permissive, good guy).
Thirdly, my workload has at least doubled and I'm not getting extra help so I'm feeling overwhelmed. Before I was able to keep up with the chaos and clutter but now it feels like two against one and I'm drowning. Lots of laundry, clutter, toys, trash and only me to run around trying to organize and keep up with. Not to mention, planning fun events and cooking daily meals. This has got to change.
Fourthly (is this a word?), it still feels like we're living separately, individually and I don't like it. I don't think V. feels it at all and that makes it worse. We went to the gym today and it was obvious that he wanted to work out alone, after all this time apart. Granted, even when we were living together full-time, he didn't appear to like working out together but he was walking more than a foot away from me today. WTF? He did get me flowers today and a card (which he didn't give me until tonight when I asked him where it was 'cause I saw it on the receipt) but when I came down this morning, he didn't even acknowledge me since he was busy on his Blackberry.
Things are going to have to come to a head I think. I'm tired of feeling so much less than special, just a side show in his life, not worthy of conversation or signs of affection. I go out of my way to make him feel treasured and loved, planning months in advance and then he won't even talk despite open-ended questions I lob at him. It just makes me feel less than. I know he loves me but he's either shut off, shut down, or just gotten plain lazy and it needs to change. If I bring up anything in criticism, he just shut downs and wants to move away, not conducive for positive change. I'm getting frustrated that unless I'm 100% positive and in favor with everything about him, he just shuts off and begins punishing me. How are we supposed to get things fixed and better if he does that every time? It makes me stressed out, depressed, scared, and negative about our relationship if I feel like we are never able to to discuss our relationship honestly without an impending punishment towards me. I hate conflict.
It doesn't help that now that Daddy is back that I. has launched into the "I love Daddy" bit and now she shows me hardly any affection and is very negative towards me and has the "I want Daddy" mentality. He gives her no discipline until he's angry and then I have to intervene and deal with that on top of everything else. V. doesn't understand how close I. and I were while he was gone, how we were a team. Remember, "I miss Daddy but I'm glad we have each other." ? Well, the past few days, that has SO fallen by the wayside and while I understand it logically, it hurts so much emotionally to deal with it throughout the day, day after day. Instead of it feeling like a family of three, it feels like now it's the 2 of them (though V. would rather be by himself) and I'm the odd man out. I kinda always feel like the odd man out but the last place I thought I would feel like the odd man out is within my own family and that makes me sad - a bone-deep kind of sad. If I don't fit in here, where can I possibly ever hope to fit in?
First we have the time change issue. It's going okay but what's been difficult is the sleeping and low energy during the day and then him waking up around 10:30, right when I'm ready to go to bed. It causes me to stay up until 11:30/midnight, enjoying having company but leads to being tired the next day. The goal is to have him on our time zone not vice-versa.
Secondly, I. has been testing and being more defiant towards me since V.'s been home. Probably because he is not the disciplinarian in the household. This leads me to getting much more frustrated that things are not running as smoothly in the household and hating that I have to crack down more so than usual. I don't necessary mind being the bad guy (unless my spouse is playing the role of the permissive, good guy).
Thirdly, my workload has at least doubled and I'm not getting extra help so I'm feeling overwhelmed. Before I was able to keep up with the chaos and clutter but now it feels like two against one and I'm drowning. Lots of laundry, clutter, toys, trash and only me to run around trying to organize and keep up with. Not to mention, planning fun events and cooking daily meals. This has got to change.
Fourthly (is this a word?), it still feels like we're living separately, individually and I don't like it. I don't think V. feels it at all and that makes it worse. We went to the gym today and it was obvious that he wanted to work out alone, after all this time apart. Granted, even when we were living together full-time, he didn't appear to like working out together but he was walking more than a foot away from me today. WTF? He did get me flowers today and a card (which he didn't give me until tonight when I asked him where it was 'cause I saw it on the receipt) but when I came down this morning, he didn't even acknowledge me since he was busy on his Blackberry.
Things are going to have to come to a head I think. I'm tired of feeling so much less than special, just a side show in his life, not worthy of conversation or signs of affection. I go out of my way to make him feel treasured and loved, planning months in advance and then he won't even talk despite open-ended questions I lob at him. It just makes me feel less than. I know he loves me but he's either shut off, shut down, or just gotten plain lazy and it needs to change. If I bring up anything in criticism, he just shut downs and wants to move away, not conducive for positive change. I'm getting frustrated that unless I'm 100% positive and in favor with everything about him, he just shuts off and begins punishing me. How are we supposed to get things fixed and better if he does that every time? It makes me stressed out, depressed, scared, and negative about our relationship if I feel like we are never able to to discuss our relationship honestly without an impending punishment towards me. I hate conflict.
It doesn't help that now that Daddy is back that I. has launched into the "I love Daddy" bit and now she shows me hardly any affection and is very negative towards me and has the "I want Daddy" mentality. He gives her no discipline until he's angry and then I have to intervene and deal with that on top of everything else. V. doesn't understand how close I. and I were while he was gone, how we were a team. Remember, "I miss Daddy but I'm glad we have each other." ? Well, the past few days, that has SO fallen by the wayside and while I understand it logically, it hurts so much emotionally to deal with it throughout the day, day after day. Instead of it feeling like a family of three, it feels like now it's the 2 of them (though V. would rather be by himself) and I'm the odd man out. I kinda always feel like the odd man out but the last place I thought I would feel like the odd man out is within my own family and that makes me sad - a bone-deep kind of sad. If I don't fit in here, where can I possibly ever hope to fit in?
Friday, February 12, 2010
There's Always A Catch
V. finally made it home last night around 1am. after a delay in San Fran thanks to customs and security. Hard to get back into the US from Saudi it seems. He's been sleeping most of the day but I was prepared for that. In fact, I pretty much pretended he wasn't here and that worked well since it kept both my expectations and frustrations extremely low. It's taken me awhile but finally, I think I've got it. I. was thrilled to have her Daddy home though it made for some emotional outbursts that I, as her momma, had to deal with.
I woke him up for a home cooked, hot meal and that's when I asked the question I knew I was overdue in asking. I was originally told that V. would have to be in China by March 1st and then back by July 1st for a new position that would keep him here at home with us for an actual family life. Granted, I figured if there was a major change I would be told but as past experiences have taught me, if I don't ask the right question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for. With V., no matter how many times he gets in trouble for this, it will never change; of this I am certain. The question was, "So do you still have to go to China by March 1st or has that changed?"
And guess what? There had been a MAJOR change as of a couple of days ago. V. will not be going to China by March 1st; however, in September he will be going there for another "Saudi" long-term type of project implementation. So that light shining at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore, it's gone. Yeah, he'll be home for awhile and yes, I can safely plan for my birthday but I can't even begin to express how DONE I am with these year long (or longer) assignments that separate us for months on end.
Right now, I can't even fathom doing these past 14 months over again. As he lays sleeping on the couch, tears stream down my face with the certainty that he'll be gone, out of our lives again and I don't want to do it anymore. It's painful and exhausting and lonely.
I've got to turn my mind tonight to tomorrow which should be a good day since we are reenacting Christmas morning for V. I have the Christmas morning breakfast for us and V. is going to open his Christmas gifts before all of us (hopefully) head to the gym. The balance between living in the moment and dreading what the future holds is precarious right now. Hopefully, I'll get a better hold on it as the days go on .
I woke him up for a home cooked, hot meal and that's when I asked the question I knew I was overdue in asking. I was originally told that V. would have to be in China by March 1st and then back by July 1st for a new position that would keep him here at home with us for an actual family life. Granted, I figured if there was a major change I would be told but as past experiences have taught me, if I don't ask the right question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for. With V., no matter how many times he gets in trouble for this, it will never change; of this I am certain. The question was, "So do you still have to go to China by March 1st or has that changed?"
And guess what? There had been a MAJOR change as of a couple of days ago. V. will not be going to China by March 1st; however, in September he will be going there for another "Saudi" long-term type of project implementation. So that light shining at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore, it's gone. Yeah, he'll be home for awhile and yes, I can safely plan for my birthday but I can't even begin to express how DONE I am with these year long (or longer) assignments that separate us for months on end.
Right now, I can't even fathom doing these past 14 months over again. As he lays sleeping on the couch, tears stream down my face with the certainty that he'll be gone, out of our lives again and I don't want to do it anymore. It's painful and exhausting and lonely.
I've got to turn my mind tonight to tomorrow which should be a good day since we are reenacting Christmas morning for V. I have the Christmas morning breakfast for us and V. is going to open his Christmas gifts before all of us (hopefully) head to the gym. The balance between living in the moment and dreading what the future holds is precarious right now. Hopefully, I'll get a better hold on it as the days go on .
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Separation - It Does NOT Do a Heart Good
On Friday I bounced V.'s conversation with me off of a guy friend before talking to him that night to get a guy's perspective. The whole day I was in a small funk because I thought his comment was insensitive and it seemed that he was more excited about getting out of Saudi than being home with us. Part of me was angrily thinking he should just go to Vegas by himself since that seemed like his main focus.
But after talking with my guy friend and having all day to calm down and rethink things, I understood that he wasn't saying he didn't want to cooped up in a cabin "WITH US" which is how I initially took it. He was just saying that location was not where he wanted to be. My guy friend (a dad of three) did think I was right on about it not being cool if V. was gone 50% of the time he was home away from I.
So I brought the subject up as in "I know you don't want to go to Idyllwild and my mom can't take care of I. for 3 or 4 days right now, so is there someplace else you want to go for that week with I. or do you want to go away by ourselves for 1 or 2 nights?" I swear, it was like pulling teeth and it took awhile before he said, and it sounded like between clenched teeth, "I just want to stay home." This confused me since he was so adament about Vegas so I inquired again if he was sure and he gave me the same response between gritted teeth. I told him I didn't understand why he was acting so cold and answering so shortly when I was only trying to make sure that he would be able to decompress the way he needed to before going to China. After a long pause he said, "I don't want to jinx things." meaning he doesn't want to talk about time home until he's home.
You know, men say how confusing and hard to understand women are. But I'm beginning to think it's not a gender thing. If one human being doesn't tell the other human being what is going on inside of their head so that it can be used to translate words and actions, male or female we are all lost. I'm not so lost now but this is all after the fact. I need the Cliff Notes before these conversations so that I don't translate improperly based on my own language and suffer emotionally. Just have to make it until July...
But after talking with my guy friend and having all day to calm down and rethink things, I understood that he wasn't saying he didn't want to cooped up in a cabin "WITH US" which is how I initially took it. He was just saying that location was not where he wanted to be. My guy friend (a dad of three) did think I was right on about it not being cool if V. was gone 50% of the time he was home away from I.
So I brought the subject up as in "I know you don't want to go to Idyllwild and my mom can't take care of I. for 3 or 4 days right now, so is there someplace else you want to go for that week with I. or do you want to go away by ourselves for 1 or 2 nights?" I swear, it was like pulling teeth and it took awhile before he said, and it sounded like between clenched teeth, "I just want to stay home." This confused me since he was so adament about Vegas so I inquired again if he was sure and he gave me the same response between gritted teeth. I told him I didn't understand why he was acting so cold and answering so shortly when I was only trying to make sure that he would be able to decompress the way he needed to before going to China. After a long pause he said, "I don't want to jinx things." meaning he doesn't want to talk about time home until he's home.
You know, men say how confusing and hard to understand women are. But I'm beginning to think it's not a gender thing. If one human being doesn't tell the other human being what is going on inside of their head so that it can be used to translate words and actions, male or female we are all lost. I'm not so lost now but this is all after the fact. I need the Cliff Notes before these conversations so that I don't translate improperly based on my own language and suffer emotionally. Just have to make it until July...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A Disjointed Post
Finally got to talk to the hubby for a decent amount of time tonight about plans when he gets home for a couple of weeks. I know he wants to go to Vegas but my mom health-wise is not doing too well for taking care of I. for 4 days. So we need to do something where we can take I. with us. After exploring a dog sledding expedition for my 40th, I determined that $1500 for 3-4 days was too much for me to be able to enjoy the experience.
I told V. tonight that I found a great place in Idyllwild for us (since we missed our year end trip) with a pool table that we could enjoy after I. went to bed with some adult beverages and I could tell there was a less than enthusiastic reception. He responded that after being in Saudi for so long, being "cooped up" in a cabin in Idyllwild sound less than ideal. That's exactly what he said.
I maintained my cool and explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable asking my mom to watch I. for 4 days right now and that we could go to Vegas in the summer. I also reminded him that he is 50% of I.'s life and while he may not be aware of it, she talks about him daily and if he's only back for 2 weeks, it's not good that he wants to go away from her for a week of it. This is one of the reacclimations I was worried about. I just think he's so used to being a weekend dad for the last 14 years for my stepgirls that he doesn't realize the impact he has on a child who expects her daddy to be there every day. It's so sad to me on several fronts.
I also think he's forgotten that we used to have fun without going to Vegas. Vegas has become symbolic. Tonight, I told him to think about what I said about I. needing to spend time with him before China and to remember all the fun we used to have with just us, adult beverages, and a good mattress. We'll see what conversation we have tomorrow.
I'll post more about the first visit to Mark's grave on Monday later.
I told V. tonight that I found a great place in Idyllwild for us (since we missed our year end trip) with a pool table that we could enjoy after I. went to bed with some adult beverages and I could tell there was a less than enthusiastic reception. He responded that after being in Saudi for so long, being "cooped up" in a cabin in Idyllwild sound less than ideal. That's exactly what he said.
I maintained my cool and explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable asking my mom to watch I. for 4 days right now and that we could go to Vegas in the summer. I also reminded him that he is 50% of I.'s life and while he may not be aware of it, she talks about him daily and if he's only back for 2 weeks, it's not good that he wants to go away from her for a week of it. This is one of the reacclimations I was worried about. I just think he's so used to being a weekend dad for the last 14 years for my stepgirls that he doesn't realize the impact he has on a child who expects her daddy to be there every day. It's so sad to me on several fronts.
I also think he's forgotten that we used to have fun without going to Vegas. Vegas has become symbolic. Tonight, I told him to think about what I said about I. needing to spend time with him before China and to remember all the fun we used to have with just us, adult beverages, and a good mattress. We'll see what conversation we have tomorrow.
I'll post more about the first visit to Mark's grave on Monday later.
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