I do some of my best thinking at the gym. I don't plan it that way, it just seems to be that after I've done my strength training, listening to music and then move onto the cardio training, I've gotten out enough physical stress and energy that my mind floats along a little better. I'll be reading my book on the treadmill when all of a sudden, a random but telling thought will cross my mind and it untangles things just a bit.
Today I was in the dark, empty exercise gymnasium doing my ab workout portion when a song came on my Ipod. Anger came to the surface and I wasn't sure why. Then it hit me - when I was at the party with Mark's friends, I noticed how they all still had each other because it's a big but close knit group of friends. I, however, don't have a lot of close friends - I've always been that way. I like to invest a lot in a just a close one or two rather than be "friends" with a lot. That has really come to bite me in the ass now but that's just how I am made - I was like that when I was 2 and I'm still like that.
What pisses me off is that when Mark died, they still have all those friends while I feel like I lost my only true friend. How is it fair that I have one close, intimate friendship for the past 11 years, and I lose it?? His other friends lost maybe 10% of their friends when Mark died. I lost 100% of my friends. I know this is a bit of an exaggeration because I do have some other friends but not ones that I shared so much with, felt as comfortable and safe with, trusted and loved as much and ultimately had an 11 year investment in. It's no small wonder why Jodi and I feel the worst (I can't speak for his parents) after all this because both she and I lost 100% of something in our lives - her only husband and my only friend.
That just pisses me off on so many levels that I'm not sure what to do with it. Right now though, I have to set it aside because I have to get I. up from resttime. I'm sure tonight it'll return to me with a vengeance but at least I won't have to figure out the reason why.
Life is just so unfair sometimes.
1 comment:
Hi April,
Just read your last three blogs. So much pain and anger from the loss of Mark your best friend. I know its hard to keep moving through this pain but you are doing it. Baby steps; yes that is the way it has to be,baby steps. Looking forward to talking with you tomorrow.
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