It's amazing how much can change in three days. It's not that SO much has changed probably but in how I'm perceiving it. I mean, D. is still a source of joy. How can a chuckling, beautiful boy not make your day happy? This boy giggles when I'm wiping his butt. He takes immense pleasure out of getting his vitamin D drops while he's taking a bath. And when I try to get him to take a drink of water out of a cup, it cracks him up. Honestly, how can life be a downer with this little guy around?
Somehow it still is sometimes. Part of it is me. I'm seriously tired most of the time. By the end of my mothering"workday", which is about 6pm, I am so wiped out that I have to put D. on the floor while I run his bath. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Thinking on it, I realize I don't feel this way as much when V. is here either to help or to just hang out with after the kids go to bed. Another week and a half before he's home (he's been gone for over a week and a half).
I'm frustrated with myself because D. isn't getting me up at 2am and 5 am to nurse so I shouldn't be this tired. Okay so he does wake me up at 5ish with his talking and then I may doze off until 5:45 when he lets out a primal "aaaaahhh", he's still content mind you, and then wake up again at 6:10 after a bad dream (however, he's quiet at this point) and then wake up again at 6:35 when the alarm goes off to begin the day. Not to mention the back pain the last week that had me waking up to turn over on the hour. I guess all that combined doesn't make for restful sleep...
I. lost it this afternoon and I could have sworn I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". She just emotionally wigged out and after her letting her cry for about 10 minutes, I resorted to threats if she didn't pull herself together right now because if she woke up D. from his needed afternoon nap, there was going to be hell to pay. She stopped crying but still wouldn't 'fess up to why she was feeling so lousy this afternoon. Things just don't bode well for me when she's 13.
I've been reading books on hormones and bio-identical hormones since my mom has been going through hell for the last 10 years and I'm determined not to suffer like her. This is kind of reading ahead material for me so I'm prepared, however, I was reading the symptoms of estrogen deficiency and several of the symptoms are what I have been struggling with (I won't go into specifics). That got me thinking so I googled what estrogen levels were for nursing mothers. Turns out they are very low to sustain nursing...hmmm. And get this, while pregnant which is when I've felt my best, most energetic and positive, is when your estrogen levels are the highest. Good to know. For now, I can't do anything about my levels but at least there may be a rational reason why I'm feeling like I do and struggling at times. I'll just continue to try to concentrate on what my body is successfully doing, namely holding the line while I still haven't been able to get to the gym (thanks to D.'s separation anxiety and V.'s absence) and nourishing D.'s growing body and immune system. I'm trying to really concentrate on the latter because I've learned from my experience with I., they can give up nursing at any time. It's hard to see that with D. because he really is into it but you just never know - better to appreciate it and bask in it now just in case.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
An Almost Perfect Weekend
This weekend had all the components of a great weekend which was unexpected since V. was not home. Yesterday I surprised I. with a morning date with me by ourselves to go see the movie, Chimpanzee. It was the kind of movie that she and I love and love it we did. It resulted in much snuggling during the movie and it was really good to just be out with my baby girl. In the afternoon, we kept with our normal routine and went to a restaurant, Mexican since it was Cinco de Mayo, and enjoyed our early dinner.
I. has been wanting a BBQ for awhile now but the weather has not been cooperating but I knew this weekend it would be. So this morning, after washing my hair which is still a big deal these days, we ran over to Trader Joe's in search of BBQ things. Since I. is not a big meat eater at all, this can be a challenge. We found some chicken sausage with apples and maple syrup (how perfect is that?), picked up some chicken breasts for kebobs, and to splurge grabbed some tortilla chips and guacamole. Once we got home, we had lunch and then had plenty of time to hang out on the ground playing with D. which was a real treat. After I got D. down for his nap, I still felt pretty energetic since the morning was pretty relaxed so I. and I went outside to play with a card making craft that my mom had gotten her a couple of weeks ago. We made cards for each other and she made one for my parents, as well as baby bear. You've gotta love that.
Once D. got up it was time for BBQ preparation. I was a little concerned because I am not the BBQer of the family and so my confidence in my skills is not high. But I had a good attitude and figured out the timing of things so at least I had some clue. I am very proud of myself - I had both sides of the grill going, chicken breast, chicken kebobs, and chicken sausage on one side and on the other side, I was grilling pineapple. Pretty impressive, huh? I got D.'s dinner ready and once everything was on the grill, we all went outside to the patio. As the food cooked, we snacked on the chips and guacamole and then once dinner was ready, I. proceeded to eat all the sausage and chicken with pineapple. She was a happy camper and so was I. D. was happy to be outside with us eating his food as well. Dinner nirvana.
Bathtime, reading, and bedtime went without a hitch and I. was asleep within 15 minutes. D. was asleep 5 minutes after that. The other wonderful thing was that I found out something about I. For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about talking to her about accepting Jesus into her heart. She loves God and loves learning about him. I wanted her to be old enough to decide for herself, not to do it before she understood or because she thought I wanted her to do it (that would just make her not want to do it probably!). I had contemporary Christian music on all afternoon which was a change and while I was prepping for the BBQ, she came in the kitchen and made mention that all these songs had to do with God. I told her this was a Christian station and that all of the songs had to do with God and Jesus. I can't recall exactly how it came about but I said something about asking Jesus into your heart and she replied, "I know that Mommy." I said, "Oh?" remembering that this child was emotionally constipated just like her father so there was probably a lot more to this than met the human eye....the whole key was going to be asking the correct, direct question. I paused and then said, "Have you asked Jesus into your heart?" She said yes and then proceeded to dart behind me and that's how we completed the rest of the conversation, her face buried in my butt. It boiled down after many questions to the fact that she asked Jesus into her heart and to forgive her sins sometime in the month of April after I put her to bed. And that makes me so happy, and thankful, and tearful. My baby girl did it on her own, not swept up in emotion or because other people were doing it but because she in her heart, at a quiet time, had been thinking about it (knowing her) and prayed privately and quietly.
An almost perfect weekend - the only part that made it not 100% perfect is that V. wasn't here. But that is a short term issue completely overshadowed by an eternal decision.
I. has been wanting a BBQ for awhile now but the weather has not been cooperating but I knew this weekend it would be. So this morning, after washing my hair which is still a big deal these days, we ran over to Trader Joe's in search of BBQ things. Since I. is not a big meat eater at all, this can be a challenge. We found some chicken sausage with apples and maple syrup (how perfect is that?), picked up some chicken breasts for kebobs, and to splurge grabbed some tortilla chips and guacamole. Once we got home, we had lunch and then had plenty of time to hang out on the ground playing with D. which was a real treat. After I got D. down for his nap, I still felt pretty energetic since the morning was pretty relaxed so I. and I went outside to play with a card making craft that my mom had gotten her a couple of weeks ago. We made cards for each other and she made one for my parents, as well as baby bear. You've gotta love that.
Once D. got up it was time for BBQ preparation. I was a little concerned because I am not the BBQer of the family and so my confidence in my skills is not high. But I had a good attitude and figured out the timing of things so at least I had some clue. I am very proud of myself - I had both sides of the grill going, chicken breast, chicken kebobs, and chicken sausage on one side and on the other side, I was grilling pineapple. Pretty impressive, huh? I got D.'s dinner ready and once everything was on the grill, we all went outside to the patio. As the food cooked, we snacked on the chips and guacamole and then once dinner was ready, I. proceeded to eat all the sausage and chicken with pineapple. She was a happy camper and so was I. D. was happy to be outside with us eating his food as well. Dinner nirvana.
Bathtime, reading, and bedtime went without a hitch and I. was asleep within 15 minutes. D. was asleep 5 minutes after that. The other wonderful thing was that I found out something about I. For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about talking to her about accepting Jesus into her heart. She loves God and loves learning about him. I wanted her to be old enough to decide for herself, not to do it before she understood or because she thought I wanted her to do it (that would just make her not want to do it probably!). I had contemporary Christian music on all afternoon which was a change and while I was prepping for the BBQ, she came in the kitchen and made mention that all these songs had to do with God. I told her this was a Christian station and that all of the songs had to do with God and Jesus. I can't recall exactly how it came about but I said something about asking Jesus into your heart and she replied, "I know that Mommy." I said, "Oh?" remembering that this child was emotionally constipated just like her father so there was probably a lot more to this than met the human eye....the whole key was going to be asking the correct, direct question. I paused and then said, "Have you asked Jesus into your heart?" She said yes and then proceeded to dart behind me and that's how we completed the rest of the conversation, her face buried in my butt. It boiled down after many questions to the fact that she asked Jesus into her heart and to forgive her sins sometime in the month of April after I put her to bed. And that makes me so happy, and thankful, and tearful. My baby girl did it on her own, not swept up in emotion or because other people were doing it but because she in her heart, at a quiet time, had been thinking about it (knowing her) and prayed privately and quietly.
An almost perfect weekend - the only part that made it not 100% perfect is that V. wasn't here. But that is a short term issue completely overshadowed by an eternal decision.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Compelled to Comment
Today a homegrown national sports star committed suicide. He was just a year older than myself and as a high school star was in the sports page when I was in high school. He was an inspiration, a man with charisma and a knack for leadership and most importantly a real talent for football.
I just reread that last sentence and just before I began erasing it, I stopped. Maybe that was the problem. Perhaps he also viewed his real talent for football as most important and now that he couldn't play any more, life was empty.
I don't know. No one can ever know what happens within someone.
Today there is the comments of how selfish, how could he do this to his mother, his children? It's all true and understandable. I agree with all of it.
However, if you have ever been there, at that point, you get it and painfully relive that moment, those moments. Of complete hopelessness and desolation. That things will not get better, no matter what you do. And that everyone will be okay when you're gone because you're really not that important in the grand scheme of things, it turns out.
Until you've been there and felt those horrible emotions (there are few worse ones), just save your judgement, offer up a prayer for those left to deal with it, and pray for the soul that hopelessness overcame today.
I just reread that last sentence and just before I began erasing it, I stopped. Maybe that was the problem. Perhaps he also viewed his real talent for football as most important and now that he couldn't play any more, life was empty.
I don't know. No one can ever know what happens within someone.
Today there is the comments of how selfish, how could he do this to his mother, his children? It's all true and understandable. I agree with all of it.
However, if you have ever been there, at that point, you get it and painfully relive that moment, those moments. Of complete hopelessness and desolation. That things will not get better, no matter what you do. And that everyone will be okay when you're gone because you're really not that important in the grand scheme of things, it turns out.
Until you've been there and felt those horrible emotions (there are few worse ones), just save your judgement, offer up a prayer for those left to deal with it, and pray for the soul that hopelessness overcame today.
Such A Joy
Everything makes D. smile and often laugh. When we get home from taking I. to school, I'll look through the windows at him as I make my way around the car. He gets so excited anticipating me making it over to his door and getting him out. Such a big smile on his face, hands moving and his eyes wide open and twinkling. Each morning we do this and I never get tired of it.
Blowing on his hair makes him laugh. I'm trying to teach him how to drink out of a cup since he balks at the sippy portion of the cup. As soon as the cold water hits his mouth, he starts giggling, then choking and then giggling again until he gets the hiccups. I give him Gripe Water in a syringe to help with the giggles - only problem is when that liquid hits his mouth, it sets him off laughing all over again. Wiping his butt with a baby wipe sets him off often as well. Of course, all the normal things make him laugh too - funny voices, noises, peek a boo games, tickling and nibbling. The boy just loves to laugh and I love it too.
He has turned into a master roller. He sets his sights on what he wants and where it is and then rolls and rolls keeping his eye on it until he reaches it. At this rate, there isn't much of a point to crawling though he does propel himself with his toes if the roll leaves him at a wrong angle for reaching.
We've been enjoying our weekly music class greatly though D. does get very upset when it's time to give the instruments back. I can't believe we only have 4 classes left before the summer break. I'm hoping to replace it during the summer with swimming class - a Mommy and Me class like I did with I. and simultaneously lessons for I. It seems like it was just last month that I. and I were taking the class together. It just means that I need to do whatever I want to do with my kids now, not wait, because time flies by and they grow up so so fast. I really feel lucky to be a mother even though it leaves me exhausted by the end of the day.
Blowing on his hair makes him laugh. I'm trying to teach him how to drink out of a cup since he balks at the sippy portion of the cup. As soon as the cold water hits his mouth, he starts giggling, then choking and then giggling again until he gets the hiccups. I give him Gripe Water in a syringe to help with the giggles - only problem is when that liquid hits his mouth, it sets him off laughing all over again. Wiping his butt with a baby wipe sets him off often as well. Of course, all the normal things make him laugh too - funny voices, noises, peek a boo games, tickling and nibbling. The boy just loves to laugh and I love it too.
He has turned into a master roller. He sets his sights on what he wants and where it is and then rolls and rolls keeping his eye on it until he reaches it. At this rate, there isn't much of a point to crawling though he does propel himself with his toes if the roll leaves him at a wrong angle for reaching.
We've been enjoying our weekly music class greatly though D. does get very upset when it's time to give the instruments back. I can't believe we only have 4 classes left before the summer break. I'm hoping to replace it during the summer with swimming class - a Mommy and Me class like I did with I. and simultaneously lessons for I. It seems like it was just last month that I. and I were taking the class together. It just means that I need to do whatever I want to do with my kids now, not wait, because time flies by and they grow up so so fast. I really feel lucky to be a mother even though it leaves me exhausted by the end of the day.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Momma On Duty
V. was out of town last week, Wednesday through Sunday. Our family time consisted of a few hours yesterday from 2-5pm. and I got the wife bonus of 4 more hours until 10pm. Even with a trip to Legoland on Saturday with my parents, we were left feeling ripped off.
On the heels of this, V. told me yesterday that he will have to leave tomorrow and may not be home until May 21st. He may be home earlier but considering this company, the project, and my own past experience with both, I doubt it. Needless to say, I'm down. I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting down since he is home this evening. But it's hard.
What makes it especially hard is the emotional toll it takes on I. I guess I was naive or dumb to think that V. being away would negatively affect her when she was younger. I thought she'd be busy in school and making friends so V. being gone wouldn't be as noticeable as when she was home full-time with me. I was wrong. After about 5 days, she becomes fragile and it's not something I can fix, fill, or cure. It usually surfaces in tears at the end of the day when I may be getting short with her because instead of getting undressed for bath, she's bouncing off the bedroom walls. Now with D. to juggle around, I can't waste time at this time of day because he's tired too and the longer it takes, the more fussy he's going to be when I'm trying to read her books at bedtime. So I may snap at I. to get her back on track and that's when the "I wish Daddy was here." and the tears start. Of course, then I feel like a real heel, albeit a tired heel.
This will also be the first long haul trip since having D. Although he is truly a joy, nonetheless he is a responsibility and something additional for me to juggle. To survive, I'm really going to have to plan ahead. I won't be getting to the gym on the weekends since D. still won't make it past 15 minutes without me (separation anxiety phase) so this means I need to make sure I schedule some brisk walks with him and pencil in some workout time at home while he takes a morning nap. In the afternoon when I'm feeding the kids dinner, I need to make sure I eat a string cheese or something to avoid being starving and shaky when I'm getting them to bed. Lastly, I"ll need to plan ahead for the weekends so that they feel like a weekend for all of us. Normally, Daddy being home is what defines the weekends, much like having my parents visit us in the afternoon define Thursdays.
While I am thankful that V. is my husband, father of my children, and most importantly my favorite person to hang out with, it makes it especially tough when he's gone. If I didn't enjoy him so dang much, it wouldn't be as hard. Complaining aside, I can't imagine being away from my kids for 3 weeks and I remain thankful and blessed that it's not me who has to do this. If it was me who was having to leave, I'd be sobbing for days on end. With that in mind, I'll keep my sniveling down to a minimum and count my blessings.
On the heels of this, V. told me yesterday that he will have to leave tomorrow and may not be home until May 21st. He may be home earlier but considering this company, the project, and my own past experience with both, I doubt it. Needless to say, I'm down. I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting down since he is home this evening. But it's hard.
What makes it especially hard is the emotional toll it takes on I. I guess I was naive or dumb to think that V. being away would negatively affect her when she was younger. I thought she'd be busy in school and making friends so V. being gone wouldn't be as noticeable as when she was home full-time with me. I was wrong. After about 5 days, she becomes fragile and it's not something I can fix, fill, or cure. It usually surfaces in tears at the end of the day when I may be getting short with her because instead of getting undressed for bath, she's bouncing off the bedroom walls. Now with D. to juggle around, I can't waste time at this time of day because he's tired too and the longer it takes, the more fussy he's going to be when I'm trying to read her books at bedtime. So I may snap at I. to get her back on track and that's when the "I wish Daddy was here." and the tears start. Of course, then I feel like a real heel, albeit a tired heel.
This will also be the first long haul trip since having D. Although he is truly a joy, nonetheless he is a responsibility and something additional for me to juggle. To survive, I'm really going to have to plan ahead. I won't be getting to the gym on the weekends since D. still won't make it past 15 minutes without me (separation anxiety phase) so this means I need to make sure I schedule some brisk walks with him and pencil in some workout time at home while he takes a morning nap. In the afternoon when I'm feeding the kids dinner, I need to make sure I eat a string cheese or something to avoid being starving and shaky when I'm getting them to bed. Lastly, I"ll need to plan ahead for the weekends so that they feel like a weekend for all of us. Normally, Daddy being home is what defines the weekends, much like having my parents visit us in the afternoon define Thursdays.
While I am thankful that V. is my husband, father of my children, and most importantly my favorite person to hang out with, it makes it especially tough when he's gone. If I didn't enjoy him so dang much, it wouldn't be as hard. Complaining aside, I can't imagine being away from my kids for 3 weeks and I remain thankful and blessed that it's not me who has to do this. If it was me who was having to leave, I'd be sobbing for days on end. With that in mind, I'll keep my sniveling down to a minimum and count my blessings.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Idyllic Morning
D. took a shorter nap this morning so I took advantage of it and instead of taking a walk down at the lake near our house, we headed down to Harbor Island for a walk. What a beautiful day! A nice breeze, warm sun, and the sea air and best of all, time with my son. After our walk, I spread a blanket on the grass, sat D. on it and fed him his lunch of mashed bananas and egg yolk. He can sit up so well these days. He's growing up so quickly and while I celebrate all of his accomplishments and cheer him on, I'm sad. Motherhood is such a contradictory process - while I'm thrilled to see D.'s accomplishments (clapping, sitting up, understanding words, etc.), another part of me grieves because these firsts signify his growing up, that he is moving quickly away from babyhood. Don't get me wrong, I'm still full of joy and thankfulness that I got to go through this another time. It's just that it seems as though it is passing by even faster than it did with I.
If nothing else, it's spurred me on to doing things with D., making memories and not waiting. Mornings in the bathtub with him while he's little, parking at the end of the runway and watching the planes land, just experiencing as much as possible because now I know, these early years will fly by. Some days may seem long but the years pass quickly.
I. and I had a good afternoon today after a full week. After school, lunch, and getting D. down for a nap, I did 25 minutes of rest (not sleep, just eyes closed) on the couch while I. played Tiny Zoo and then we went out on the patio and colored for awhile. Once D. got up, we went to get gas and get our car washed while I. happily munched on the free popcorn and D. happily nestled in my arms. At one point, I was hugging I. with one arm as I stood holding D. with my other arm and I thought, "Wow, I've got 2 little kids now!" Who would have thunk it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A Great Moment
D. enjoys his bathtime so much. He's always enjoyed his bathtime but early on he didn't enjoy water on his head but he got over that and from that point on, it's been a source of excitement of him. Then he started slumping down in the tub, wait here's a picture of it:
One minute he's leaning back and the next he's slumped down and oh so proud of himself as you can see from the pic. He seems to really enjoy doing this when V. is giving him his bath. Now he's moved on to crazy splashing boy where all the water is displaced from his tub to the counter, carpet, and mirror via his arms and legs flailing at the same time. He takes such joy in this, it's hard to begrudge him.
For the past week, I've been thinking that it would be fun to get in the bathtub with him. This morning was the first morning we didn't have something to do and someplace to go so into the bathtub we went. And it was wonderful. He was trying to figure out where we were and how it was that I was in the bath with him but judging by his grin, he was very happy about it. I took a couple toys from I.'s bathtub and we had such a good time. He was splashing around, saying "Ba ba ba". We will be definitely doing this again.
As a first time mother, I never thought of doing this with I. When she was older, I thought of it when we were on vacation and it was a big treat. I think when it gets warmer in the summer, the two kids and I will be climbing in a bathtub and having us a fun but not so relaxing bath.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)