Over So Fast

The title is a double entendre.  Today was I.'s last day of Easter vacation and D.'s 8 month birthday.  It's been such a great week and I. and I (and D.) have had such a great time.  Yesterday morning we had a good time coloring Easter eggs.  It's always fun to do things with I. but what is so great and memorable are the little conversations we have while doing them.  These moments lead to lots of hugs and "you're so fun Mommy" comments which I love.  Did I mention I love when I. says I"m so fun since I am also the heavy around the house?  After the Easter eggs, we met at a park for a playdate for I. and hung out there for a couple of hours while she played and had a good time.

Today was a play it by ear day and we ended up going for a walk on a trail in a canyon complete with a flowing creek and a 1800's settler's grave.  I mean come on, does it get any better than this?  Before our walk while D. was sleeping, I. and I spent time together and when I told her we were going on a nature walk, she thought I meant around our complex so she wasn't that impressed.  However, when she saw we were going someplace new and we were really exploring some cool things, she had the best time.  Again, the day ended with her telling me how fun I was.  Why am I getting suspicious that she seems surprised?!

Although we had such a good time today, I was aware that this would be our last vacation day together and it made me sad.  It was such a great week and full of wonderful, bonding times (that part didn't make me sad) but it just went so fast and next week will be back to school, schedules, and tiredness.    On top of it, the fact that D. is 8 months old today is mind boggling.  I cannot believe that we are quickly approaching his year birthday.  It's just going so fast and I feel like I'm still figuring out weekly new ways to enjoy things with him and soon he's going to be walking and running away from me.  During the day, I live in the moment and enjoy it all with him but when I go to bed, I realize just how fast it's all going and I get sad.

So I guess the bottom line of this post is that no matter how much fun I have with my kids during the day, at night I"m sad.

I'm such a freak.

Butterflies

We went to the Wild Animal Park (I refuse to call it whatever new politically correct name they have changed it to) to see the Butterfly Jungle with my parents.  It was amazing to remember last year when we went because it seems like it was just last month and I had D. growing in my belly.

We enjoyed the day together and ended it with a carousel ride for I.  When I was buying the ticket for I., I realized that D. would probably really enjoy it so I took him on it too.  He loved going up and down, holding on to the pole and trying to grab the ear of the animal he was riding on.  He kept looking at me with a grin on his face of pure joy.  I was so thankful that I was there to see his smiling face.

I. and I enjoyed time this morning together making Easter cookies before our excursion.  Again, I was struck by her easygoing-ness and verbal appreciation.  It just seems like she's a different kid; it's kind of confusing to me and it's going to make next week when she goes back to school hard.  Tomorrow morning we're going to decorate our Easter eggs while D. is napping before we go to a play date with other kids down at Mission Bay.  This week is going by so quickly, it makes me sad.  It makes me think of how in five short months I. will be in school from 8:15-3:15, five days a week.  For all of the energy I. takes out of me during the afternoon weekdays, it makes me tear up to realize it's coming to an end.  Seriously, I am feeling like I am approaching the weaning process again - that rip/tear, a new level of maturity taking her farther apart from me and it hurts, badly.  My brain recognizes that this is how it has to be and should be but it doesn't make it any easier on my heart.  I foresee tears in the near future.

Easter Vacation

It's been busy busy busy the last few weeks.  We celebrated my birthday last week with a dinner out with V. after an afternoon massage that felt oh so good since my neck and back have been killing me the past few weeks.  It wasn't a weekend in Laguna Beach but it was still a good birthday.  I'm hoping for plenty of future birthday weekends in Laguna but this year, I have to admit I was okay with foregoing it since the reason why was my nursing baby boy.  Tradeoffs aren't always bad.

This week is I.'s Easter vacation week and I have to say after last week, I was kind of holding my breath.  Last week was a buildup to Friday which included her class Easter party, birthday cupcake, and Mommy being at the party.  It resulted in a sobbing fit in the middle of the party thanks to low blood sugar, excitement, tiredness, excess stimulation and a soft place in sight (me).  The amazing thing is that I predicted it about 15 minutes beforehand to another mother and like she said to me, "You know your kid."  Yes, I do but it doesn't mean the problem can be averted because the factors are out of my control, both externally in her environment and internally within her.  But we got through it in the bathroom, me with D. hanging on me in the sling and her burying her face in my leg, but she was able to make it through and enjoy the 2nd half of her party.  It makes me shudder to think of I. and puberty.

On vacation days she's a different kid.  Even different than on weekends when having V. home throws a different dynamic and emotion into it.  On vacations I. is cheerful, carefree, positive, relaxed, flexible.  She is not defiant, negative, argumentative.  She shows affection freely and often.  I swear she is her father keeping her emotions locked up tight when she is focused on school but because she is only 6, the control slips by the time she gets home and I wind up with a handful of grump.

The first two days of vacation have been great - we've been baking, playing, and getting work done cheerfully around the house.  She is a different child, an easier child and not surprisingly I am not out of patience by the end of the day nor am I completely and totally exhausted by the time the kids are in bed.  I'm even able to write a post about it.  I am enjoying our week together, the slower pace, and her company and it makes me look forward to summer right around the corner.

Tired Day

A little melancholy today.  Had a good day and evening with V. yesterday, working as a team with the kids and enjoying each other's company after they went to bed.  Last week he was gone Tuesday through Friday but because there was a chance he might come home on Thursday, I made it through okay.  However, this morning at 3:45am, when V. left, the garage door woke me up and my first thought was how I wasn't going to see him until Friday night at the earliest.  It bummed me out and I felt it all day long.

It didn't help my melancholy when I. said at the end of the day that she enjoyed Daddy more than me because "Daddy plays with me".  What?!  He plays with her for about 5 minutes each weekend and that's about it.  Several times during the week and for a good chunk of time during the weekend, I play with her.  Not to mention that I've been the one here and playing with her for basically her whole life.  Yet Daddy gets the credit.  Now, after thinking about it more, I may have stumbled on why I. said what she said.  I had just told her that V. was going to be gone all week working and I know she was disappointed about that so it may have been a case of "shooting the messenger" and missing Daddy.  Before she went to bed, I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends told her that they had more fun playing with someone else.  She answered, "Sad."  I said, "How do you think it made me feel when you said you enjoyed Daddy more?"  She was quiet so all I said was, "Just because I"m your mommy doesn't mean I don't have feelings." and left it at that.  From her face I think she got my point.  I don't want to guilt her out but I think it's important that she understands that she's old enough to be held accountable for what she says and for how it affects others, even me.

The last topic of today is my tiredness.  I am really tired by the end of the day even though I am getting around 7 hours of sleep.  To be honest, that is 1-2 hours a day less than I normally need so I guess that could be it.  The other thing I realized tonight is that before D., when I. was in school I was able to recharge because I was by myself.  I didn't have to talk to anyone, perform, or interact socially.  As an introverted person, that recharges my battery.  Now with D. here, when I. is at school my time is spent with him which I enjoy and cherish.  I wouldn't change a thing if I could.  But what that means is that I don't have much "recharge" time before I. is out of school and wanting my attention.  And I want to give her my attention but some days when I get D. down for his short afternoon nap, I just really need to lay on the couch next to I. and doze off even just for 5 minutes to get enough head of steam to make it through the end of our day.  Of course, she's not too thrilled with this but I let her play a video game and while I"m not thrilled with that, it gives her some down time and allows me to rest for a short time before D. is back up again.

Many days I feel as though I am doing a good job adjusting to two kids but some days it's still a struggle.  Thinking it over though, I think my exhaustion last week was a function of being the only parent on hand all week.  That doesn't bode well since this week will be even longer but at least my parents should be coming over for one afternoon which should help.

Contemplation

My mom's birthday was yesterday so the morning was hectic trying to take care of things that would make her feel special.  She doesn't enjoy birthdays so she calls it her "happy day" but the rest of us treat it as a birthday.  The day before I had put in an order for flowers so yesterday after D. got up from his nap, we went and picked them up, then went to a bundt store cake to pick up a nice little cake that I decorated with additional flowers.  Then it was off to get I. from school early so that we could make the 30 minute trip to pick up my mom.  By this time, D. was getting fussy because it was quickly approaching time for a nursing and nap, one that he was not going to get that day.  We got to my parents' house, ran in, "threw" the cake to my dad, got I. changed into a dress and then headed to a nice restaurant that I had picked out.  The view was great, the ambiance was nice, the food really good.  My mom was so pleased that I got her flowers which we brought in to enjoy as the table's centerpiece and she had a good time.  After that, we went back to her house where we enjoyed the cake and presents.  D. hung in there with intermittent nursings throughout the afternoon and then we were back on the road to tackle getting them in bed.  All in all, it went really well.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though.  I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it.  Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did.  Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments.  And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.

Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home.  A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting:  Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation."  I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation".  What more could they need than those two things?  I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.

The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy.  So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit.  I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely.  Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc.  D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up.  His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end.  Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D.  His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day.  These little things are what I'm grateful for.  I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often.  I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one.  Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect.  I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place.  That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.

And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well.  Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Driving home with the kids from I.'s dentist appointment this afternoon, I had Dr. Laura on the radio listening to her with half an ear.    I. says, "Mommy, why do more women than men call Dr. Laura?"  I began explaining to her a basic difference between men and women:  "Well sweetie, women usually like to talk about their problems and feelings while men would just rather not talk about it - they just want it fixed."  I figure this is something she's better off understanding and accepting at an early age.

She was quiet but I could practically hear the digestion occurring from the back seat.

Then she says, "Or maybe it's because women have more problems with their husbands than men do with their wives."

There you have it.  Somewhere in the world there is an unsuspecting little boy traipsing happily through his childhood, completely unaware that one day he will fall in love with I. and she will lovingly torture him for the rest of their married lives.  I hope he's getting his rest now.

The Difference Between the First and the Last

I never have been a momma who is constantly looking forward to the next stage of her babies/kids.  The week of I.'s first birthday, I was in tears.  Of course, it didn't help matters that she weaned herself that same week.  That being said, I do notice a slight difference in myself between when I was a first time momma and now when I know this is my last baby.

With I., I didn't want her to get older but I still was in mourning over the loss of my alone time, my personal space, my freedom - basically my former life as I knew it.  I still enjoyed I. immensely and each day brought new things that she could do, new ways that she could express herself and gave me a peek into the personality that was developing within her.  As she moved from the stage of constant breastfeeding and having to be carried to the solids and stroller stage, I got more breathing room and started to mourn less.

This time around, knowing that this is my last baby, I mourn but for opposite reasons.  I love our first morning breastfeeding session in the bed skin to skin and know I'll be lucky if it lasts for another 5 months.  I enjoy being able to carry him against me in the sling when we are grocery shopping or walking.  I am in no rush to put him in the shopping cart as he'll be in there soon enough and my sling days will be over.  So I sling him at every opportunity, relishing the warmth of his body, the softness of his hair against my lips as I kiss him, and the joy I feel when he leans back and two inches off my face, gazes in my eyes and gives a big gummy grin like "Oh, it IS you!"  Even going to the gym feels like I'm losing time with him, time that I won't get back.

While each stage does still bring additional joys, I'm consciously living in the moment.  Enjoying each moment I have with this little guy, knowing how quickly it all passes.  I'm also realizing that I. is almost done with kindergarten and next year, she'll be in full day school.  It just kills me because I feel like I won't see her at all.  Granted, some afternoons when she gets out of school she is pretty gnarly and hard to handle and a quieter afternoon would be nice.  However, I know from experience that I will be wishing for these afternoons back with I., remembering them with fondness and wistfulness.

I think sometimes it's hard for me to celebrate the joy of each moment without hurting over the "never again" part of it and I'm not sure why.