Happiness Is...

...getting to sleep in 'til and 8:30am.

...looking over at the couch and seeing I. snuggling up to V. while she watches Miss Spider's SunnyPatch.

...knowing that today is an empty slate for us to write upon. The girls aren't coming down so V. doesn't have to be driving either mornings.

...talking to V. about just staying home until our early 3pm dinner and getting those pesky house things done (ie. cleaning off the patio, cleaning the ceiling fan). It just feels like what normal family life should look like to me and I certainly don't get that enough.

...having lots of ripe bananas to make some yummy banana bread.

...I. falling asleep within 5 minutes after I put her to bed last night. That means she got 13 hours of sleep which usually translates into a smooth day.

...watching I. torture V. with all the evil things she thinks up. For instance, what could be better than grinding your chin into the top of Daddy's head? An ear lick, maybe? It's like a one two punch.

...the coffee V. makes for me. I try and try all week to replicate it but just can't quite get it. His coffee is perfect - full of flavor but not too strong.

That's it for today. I've got to get things moving along or I. will start getting funky and V. will start getting even more sleepy than he already is. On the weekends, I seem to have an additional job added to my job description, that of a facilitator. A weekend facilitator because if there wasn't, it would be Sunday evening and we'd be sitting there going, "Where did the weekend go? We didn't do anything and didn't get anything done and now it's back to the workweek." It's an important job, the weekend facilitator - don't you ever forget it!

Time Off For Good Behavior

Yesterday I got 4.5 hours off in the middle of the day to just be me and it was nice, I have to admit. Yes I missed I. and yes I am quite aware that the days when she's in school all day 5 days a week is just around the corner and that I will very much miss these days. That being said, it was nice to get a break in the middle of the day without having to beg, plead, or demand coverage just to get a few hours to myself during the day, which is usually what it amounts to.

I picked up a bouquet and took it over to my grandfather's gravesite for his birthday. Now post-Mark, cemetaries don't have the same feeling as they did before. I used to like walking around cemetaries looking at the markers, wondering about people. I know, I'm weird like that. But now, I go to one and it tugs HARD on that scab and it hurts.

After that I wandered around Kohl's for a short time, picking up birthday gifts for tomorrow's party, socks for I. and I (I always need these and never remember to get some), and some flipflops for me since I lost mine at the beach a month ago. It was relaxing to just wander, not worrying about potty breaks, not hearing how boring this is and CAN WE GO NOW?? I went home, had a nice quiet lunch and then it was off to the dentist.

I warned the evil hygienist that if she didn't declare my mouth to be in pristine condition, I may as well have my teeth pulled with the amount of work I've put in the past 3 months. I think it's amounted to a part-time job or at the very least, a labor intensive science experiment. Well, all that hard work did pay off because she was very happy with my gums and was even a little nice to me. So I'm out of trouble at least until my next visit in 4 months. Now to just keep up this level of care, that's a whole 'nother thing.

The last thing that I FINALLY took care of was calling a handyman to get some repairs done around the house. I've been putting it off calling since December. That's when the silverware drawer decided to dislodge itself and has been sitting on the ground in the dining room. It's embarrassing to admit that but with V. being gone and me juggling everything, it just became the ball that dropped. But no more because next Friday, he will be here to fix it. One of the other things I'm going to have him fix is to get my bedroom door to close (just a minor thing) so that I don't have to barricade the door every night to keep those doggone cats out in the morning. I can't imagine going to bed without having to "construct" the barricade - that'll be so nice!

Off to the gym and this afternoon is a kids' birthday party. I. went to sleep 2 hours late again last night so we'll see how well she holds things together today. I can usually spot the swirling water (ie. a flushing toilet) around 10ish, giving me a good indication of how many deep breaths I will be taking during the day. Fingers crossed.

Rude Awakening

After my "balls to the wall" day yesterday and the knowledge that I have many more of those in the next 2 weeks, I shouldn't have been surprised that my brain translated the chaos into a slew of unpleasant dreams last night. Dreams that involved me on the back of a motorcycle going too fast, almost slipping off at every turn on a dark, traffic-filled road. Dreams of somebody asking me why I was upset and me replying, "Because Mark just died last week." It took me awhile to fall asleep after that one but I finally did only to be woken up by I. crying and sobbing at the top of her lungs, screaming "Baby Bear!" He had the audacity to fall out of her bed out of her reach and though there are 20 other stuffed animals for her to play with, Baby Bear is her special lovey so there was no consoling her. Of course, some of this reaction I suspect is due to I. falling asleep last night. The combination of the class stuffed animal going home with us and her excitement about the special "camp" she's going to this morning before class didn't help in that regard.

I know all this but honestly after those dreams and the fact that it was too early, I went in there, took her diaper off and told her to read books for a little while until I came back in. Then I climbed back in bed to try to recreate a more relaxed and leisurely version of waking up. Even with the cats stomping all of the bed (and me) with their demands of breakfast, I was able to pull it off after 20 minutes and got up less grumpy.

Today is not as hectic but still busy. After I drop I. off at her camp this morning, I've got to go find a birthday present for a party tomorrow and pick up some flowers for my grandfather's grave (his birthday is tomorrow). Then home to make some phone calls and have a peaceful lunch (looking forward to that!) and then off to the dentist before picking I. up at preschool. That dentist appointment had better go REALLY well considering the amount of work I've been putting in. If they still say there are gum issues, I'm going to be so pissed off. To complicate things, the corner of my mouth split open yesterday and it's painful to open my mouth even a little bit, let alone all the way like the evil dental tech requires. So it should be interesting. As though I needed anything else to dread besides just the dental appointment itself!

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday turned out to be a good day, an exceptional day in some ways. First, let it be said that I. got good sleep the night before which always bodes well the next day. Which is why I am such a sleep nazi. Yeah, that's right I said it. I am very protective of her sleep because the next day I will be dealing with either the Angel I. or the Devil I. Let's look at some of the differences:

Angel I. rolls with the punches, is cheerful, happy, funny, does not talk back, whines very little, makes things for her mommy all morning, gives physical and verbal affection to her mommy all day, cleans her room all by herself without any prompting from me just to make her mommy smile!

Devil I. doesn't want to do anything we have planned for the day and verbally lets me know, talks back about everything under the sun, has a negative, bad attitude, throws tantrums, and when she is really out of control angry at me has been known to spit in my face.

Need I explain more as to why one of my top 3 daily priorities is getting I. in bed on time? So for all the people around me who shake their heads, roll their eyes, and wonder aloud how I am depriving I. of organized activities in the late afternoon - BITE ME! I suspect that getting spat at in her face would cure all your head shaking real quick!

Back to my original point of how I.'s good night of sleep led to an exceptional day...we went to the Wild Animal Park and had a great time together. Beautiful, cool weather, we walked (well I walked, she rode) and talked as we had lunch, fed the lorikeets and deer, saw the baby elephant born the night before, and enjoyed the butterfly exhibit. Even with all that fun, it was a productive day complete with grocery store shopping and getting all the laundry folded and away instead of it sitting in the basket taunting me for several days.

Good thing it was a relaxing day yesterday because today is a "balls to the wall" kind of day as I delicately put it. Run to the gym this morning, get home, make lunch, get I. to preschool, go directly to physical therapy, make a business call in the car before picking I. up, then to the chiropractor (I'm old okay?), home to make I.'s dinner, bath, bed, and then the big C-O-L-L-A-P-S-E.

At least I know that dinner is taken care of since I'm eating through the leftovers in the fridge and freezer. I know that doesn't sound particularly appetizing but they all taste good, I don't have to cook anything, and I'm making room in the fridge and freezer. Plus, think of all that money I'm saving. Almost pays for the Absolut bottles in the freezer....

Can I Do It?

That is, can I really make a concerted effort to try to post more often? I think if I am going to do it, it's going to have to be done in the morning before the day's events and struggles pulls me down into the "I don't have anything to say" hole that I find myself digging out of at the end of the day more often than not.

So I'm going to try. Today I. and I are headed to the Wild Animal Park to enjoy a butterfly garden exhibit. I purposely waited for this week because all the kids should be back in school. It's no fun when it's a madhouse. Even the weather cooperated today - it's going to be about 65 degrees which is perfect for this place. That means the bee problem that erupts during the heat should be gone too. When I told her we were going to see the butterflies, I. said, "Like we went to before?" meaning when we went to the Palm Desert Zoo butterfly exhibit when she and I went on New Year's Day. The significance of this? She remembers things, she has memories that will stay with her for the rest of her life and I am part of those memories. Now how can I turn something so simple into something morbid? Well, here's how: I know now that if something were to happen to me, she would have memories of me, of us, of the fun things we did, and the love and affection we shared.

It makes me smile and my heart and mind rest a little easier knowing this fact. Here's to a good day!

A Convergence of Mark

Ok so I lied when I said I had a couple of posts coming to you because after that initial one, I just clammed up. I attribute that to a lot of things building up in my mind, clammoring for attention and it blocked everything that came to mind.

Even now, as soon as I started writing this, the sweet girl cat squatted under the kitchen table and had diarrhea which obviously necessitated me stopping and cleaning it up. It's a conspiracy of many different things - thoughts, animals, people, stresses, exhaustion that have kept me from blogging lately. Parenting since the time change haas been tough but I'm hoping that I have discovered some solutions/tools that will help navigate that. I had 2 family events to attend on back to back weekends which always exhausts my emotional energy bank though they went as drama-free as I could hope. V. has been gone the past month during the weekdays, home on the weekends. Much easier to stay on the same page but trying to get him integrated fully on the weekends as Daddy and Hubby has been hard.

Lately, Mark has been on mind again. I thought after my birthday, thoughts of Mark would calm down but not really. I've been having dreams since then as though I was still working in that stressful work situation and of course, Mark was a big part of my work life. The parts he's in aren't bad, rather he's the support, the love, the friendship part of the situation. I was on Facebook the other night and Mark's sister messaged me and we had a conversation about how we were doing, how we both missed Mark, and how we wished his parents could see his son. She said how she was glad that I was in touch with her parents because it helped them. We "talked" about how her mom wanted to know more about Mark and felt that I was the person to tell her about him and she (Mark's sister) said it would help her mom and that she would like to be there for the lunch/discussion. She ended the conversation with a comment that she and her family loved and respected me very much because of my relationship with Mark. I'm going to call his mom this week and set up that lunch.

This past week, I keep hearing songs that were playing over and over again during those last hospice days at Mark's parents' house. We picked out Mark's favorite CD's and had them on continuous play for his last 3 days and while I don't know the names of more than 3 of those songs, when they come on my radio, I am instantly transported to those 3 days. The emotions, the loss, the sadness, the tragedy, the ripping out of my soul watching my close friend slowly die.

Then this afternoon while I. was in the bath, out of the blue (I haven't talked about Mark for awhile): "Mommy, are you still sad about Mark being dead?" Who knows what made her think of that. But it was weird that I've been having dreams about Mark and interaction with his family, and then she asks about him.

It makes it hard to blog with these swirling thoughts and emotions. Many times I want to blog but by the time I get done attending to my responsibilities, I'm a blank slate both mentally and emotionally until I have a short break to recharge and usually by then, I'm physically exhausted.

Can anyone else understand this?

A Couple of Posts Coming At You

First of a couple, or maybe a few, posts all tackling various topics. First post, why don't we women tell each other what's coming? Why don't we talk freely about peri-menopause and menopause itself? Not that I'm experiencing these states right now, but I've been hearing about famous people talking about this and I think to myself, "Why is this the first time I've heard about these things, outside of hot flashes?"

It makes me think of how NOBODY tells you how the first 12 weeks with a new baby can be soul wrenching, especially for a first child. The first 2 weeks all they do is sleep and you're stressing how to wake them up to get enough nutrition in them and then the next 10 weeks is how the heck can you get them to stop crying and sleep in between the 2 hour feedings? Add on top of this the fact that noone tells you that you will look 6 months' pregnant and alot less firm being wheeled out of the hospital after you give birth. Another dark, dirty secret that needs to be told ahead of time.

So now on the other side of procreation, why doesn't every woman share the info about what you can expect and how you can deal with it? This is quality of life info that every woman should know. Do I really have to watch Suzanne Somers and Raquel Welch on Oprah to know what I should expect in the next 20 years? I'd rather know from someone in my own financial range what was upcoming and the best way to approach it. I know I'm not going to be able to have radical surgeries or reconstructions but what can I honestly do at the gym, dietary-wise, and for superficial treatments to look my best in the next 2 decades?

Let's stop competing with each other and keeping the secrets. It's time to share the knowledge and start becoming a team.