Ok so I lied when I said I had a couple of posts coming to you because after that initial one, I just clammed up. I attribute that to a lot of things building up in my mind, clammoring for attention and it blocked everything that came to mind.
Even now, as soon as I started writing this, the sweet girl cat squatted under the kitchen table and had diarrhea which obviously necessitated me stopping and cleaning it up. It's a conspiracy of many different things - thoughts, animals, people, stresses, exhaustion that have kept me from blogging lately. Parenting since the time change haas been tough but I'm hoping that I have discovered some solutions/tools that will help navigate that. I had 2 family events to attend on back to back weekends which always exhausts my emotional energy bank though they went as drama-free as I could hope. V. has been gone the past month during the weekdays, home on the weekends. Much easier to stay on the same page but trying to get him integrated fully on the weekends as Daddy and Hubby has been hard.
Lately, Mark has been on mind again. I thought after my birthday, thoughts of Mark would calm down but not really. I've been having dreams since then as though I was still working in that stressful work situation and of course, Mark was a big part of my work life. The parts he's in aren't bad, rather he's the support, the love, the friendship part of the situation. I was on Facebook the other night and Mark's sister messaged me and we had a conversation about how we were doing, how we both missed Mark, and how we wished his parents could see his son. She said how she was glad that I was in touch with her parents because it helped them. We "talked" about how her mom wanted to know more about Mark and felt that I was the person to tell her about him and she (Mark's sister) said it would help her mom and that she would like to be there for the lunch/discussion. She ended the conversation with a comment that she and her family loved and respected me very much because of my relationship with Mark. I'm going to call his mom this week and set up that lunch.
This past week, I keep hearing songs that were playing over and over again during those last hospice days at Mark's parents' house. We picked out Mark's favorite CD's and had them on continuous play for his last 3 days and while I don't know the names of more than 3 of those songs, when they come on my radio, I am instantly transported to those 3 days. The emotions, the loss, the sadness, the tragedy, the ripping out of my soul watching my close friend slowly die.
Then this afternoon while I. was in the bath, out of the blue (I haven't talked about Mark for awhile): "Mommy, are you still sad about Mark being dead?" Who knows what made her think of that. But it was weird that I've been having dreams about Mark and interaction with his family, and then she asks about him.
It makes it hard to blog with these swirling thoughts and emotions. Many times I want to blog but by the time I get done attending to my responsibilities, I'm a blank slate both mentally and emotionally until I have a short break to recharge and usually by then, I'm physically exhausted.
Can anyone else understand this?
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