A First Christmas Eve of Sorts

Things went awry in Saudi Arabia due to DC stupidity, resulting in V's arrival being delayed. Instead of arriving last night, he won't be here until tomorrow night, Christmas night, after everything is over. Talk about disappointment. So tomorrow morning, I. will open her present from Santa and maybe one other present and then we'll get ready to go up to my parents' house for the present free for all. She'll spend the night there and I'll come home to my husband actually being in our bed.

This week I. and I decorated Christmas cookies for the first time and we had a really good time. It's times like these that make the holiday season so much more enjoyable:

And here's the finished product:

I'm kind of a strange person I think. I realized tonight this was the first Christmas Eve I've ever spent partially by myself. When I was a kid or single, I always spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house. When I was married, I spent it with my hubby. So this year, being married, V. wasn't here and I did spend it with I. but Christmas Eve night, I'm here by myself. And surprisingly, it's not as bad as I pictured it. I wish V. was here but I'm okay, 'cause I got to spend time with Mark this morning, hang out with I. during the day, and now am watching It's A Wonderful Life, until it gets too late because then I'm going to bed, 'cause I'll need the energy for tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

What a Difference a Day Can Make

Yesterday, I dropped off I. at my mom's house so that they could do a Christmas craft together for a few hours and I could head over to Target to take care of stocking stuffers, cards, and a gift for Mark's baby. It was such a treat to be able to take my time picking out the right cards and then meandering through the $1 bins getting stuffer stuff. Moved on to the PJ area and it was so crowded in the aisleway, I parked my full cart on the outside of the aisle while I ventured deep in search of the right PJs for the girls. I found them and emerged a couple of minutes later to place them in my cart. Wait, where's my cart? You know the one with the special cards, the stocking stuffers I spent way too much time picking out, the great toy for Mark's baby that was the last one they had. Yeah, that cart. Which seems to be gone. As in GONE GONE. I look around, check out other people's carts just in case, have a Target employee go in the backroom to see if they put it back there for some reason. But no, it's just gone.

So, what do I do? I cry. This coming from a person who doesn't cry very often, certainly not in front of others, and most of the time can't cry even when she wants to. But right there in the PJ section of Target I cry. Not sobbing, snotty, loud crying but the tearing up, sniffling kind of crying but in my heart, I was sobbing. I had to go back, get another cart and try to repick everything I had. Of course, a few of the cards, the baby toy, and some of I.'s stuffer items were the last they had so that didn't help with my recovery. I was surprised by my reaction but just let myself "be" for a change, figuring that this sudden loss of a cart, unexpected and unfair finally opened the floodgates (just a little) to my buried feelings about Mark (ie. loss, unexpected, and unfair). My therapist would be proud.

Today I. and I had a great day, probably the best since V.'s been gone. We had a lot of fun together and she has been a lot more physically affectionate with me as a result of V. not being here, which is sad due to the reason but I'll take it! We laughed, hugged, played, and even relaxed a little together.



It was just one of those days when I'm proud of myself and so happy with my little world.

I. and I have been invited tomorrow to an early dinner at Mark's parents' house, where he is now living. I am really touched by this since they have been including me in things as though I am family. To show my gratitude, Italian style, I made some Cranberry Almond biscotti tonight. It looks very festive! It's been about 8 years since I've made it and forgot how long the process takes. But, I'm always excited to see just part of the finished product:



V.'s phone has not been working the last 2 days. Supposedly some cable was cut in the Mediterranean thus spotty phone service. I guess I should be thankful though 'cause the guy he went over there with, tripped 2 days ago and fell so hard that he's still in the hospital. No broken bones but he's so swollen up that they've been keeping him. The scary thing is that he had a blood clot (due to the long flights to Saudi Arabia) about 6 months ago and is still battling that with medication. So this fall is not good considering he's flying home on the 23rd on a God awful long 24 hour flight.

Four more days until V.'s home and then I can rest easy for a little while...

A Mixed Bag

I've been working on a video to send to V from I about how she is missing him because she certainly is. After a lot of glitches, fits and starts, I think it's almost ready to send him...finally. The song I set to it is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and that's a whole tragic but touching story we won't get into here. We finally had a decent morning and I. opened up around noontime, verbalizing her feelings. It only took 8 days and this after me trying to help her verbalizing what she's feeling "I miss Daddy. Do you miss Daddy? I'm sad Daddy's not here. Are you feeling sad that Daddy's not here?"

I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.

On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.

Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?

Today Turned Into a Good Day

Every day since V has been gone, I has thrown some sort of a whiny tantrum when V calls or when we've tried the webcam. She just doesn't know how to handle or communicate the overwhelming emotions she must be feeling. I try to help her - "Mommy misses Daddy. Do you miss Daddy?" and she responds but it's with words from her brain and it doesn't seem to let off the steam from her heart and then it percolates until she hears/sees him and then it explodes. My brain understands it but when I want to hear V's voice and I is screaming, I get irritated and banish her to the bathroom. Hopefully this will get better somehow, someway since we still have 5-6 months of this crap to go through.

Anyways, the day got better in the afternoon in a roundabout way. Mark and his wife and new son were planning on coming over this afternoon to collect their cats and visit. The rain was just pouring down so they cancelled and will come tomorrow. While I was excited to see them, I was feeling guilty because I've wanted to spend some quality downtime at home with I but with errands, the gym, and her early bedtime, it seems we are always on the go. But since our plans fell through, we ended up baking, which we enjoy doing together, pumpkin cranberry bread with the rain pouring outside, the Christmas music on inside and the tree lit up and cheering us up. Then we read some special Christmas books I only get out at this time of year and it just was what the doctor ordered. We snuggled, laughed,and her bedtime was bathed in contentment.

Thank God for a rainy day!

Keeping Perspective

Well we finished up the tree and it looks really good. With V being gone, I'm really getting to enjoy the tree a whole lot. Here's the finished product.



Today I took I to a Junior Theater play and she really enjoyed it. This was her second one and again, she sat through an hour without any problem. She would look up at me with this little smile and huge eyes like "Wow, I like this Mommy!" On our way home, I said that maybe next time Daddy could come with us like he did the first time we went. Then I said, "I miss Daddy." A few seconds passed, as her little brain purred, and then she said, "Me too." I taped up our Christmas card over her changing table so now she says Good morning, good night and kisses Daddy throughout the day.

There's a lot going on with this girl 'cause when Daddy calls in the morning, you can count on I acting up, whining, being naughty and throwing tantrums. Every morning that he's been gone has been tough which is weird because he's been gone before, plenty of time. I don't know if it's because I've told her that Daddy is going to be gone for a long time or if it's because he left his car in the garage. Whenever we arrive home, she thinks Daddy is home and I think it's probably like ripping a newly formed scab off. I know the feeling but at least I have that mature perspective that she cannot possibly have yet.

Tomorrow Mark is coming over to collect his cats. I get to see him for the first time since July and get to meet his new son. I just need to prepare myself for the fact that he's 20 lbs. lighter and has lost his hair. I'm excited though and can't wait to see him.

Satisfying Email

About two months ago, a book at the library caught my eye because it was a true story about a lifelong friendship between two men, ending when one died of cancer. It was touching and I could identify with many of the feelings and thoughts the friend was going through watching his friend fight to live while knowing what eventually was coming. It brought me to tears several times but made me feel so much better being able to identify with someone about such a painful topic.

So I decided to email the author and tell him how much I appreciated his book,how sorry I was that he lost his friend and a little bit about Mark. Hit send and forgot about it.

Well, lo and behold a couple of weeks ago, he emailed me back apologizing for the delay but that he had been on the road reporting (he writes for newspapers too) on the election and just now was getting caught up on his emails. What impressed me is that it wasn't a canned email. He thanked me for writing him and sent his sincere thoughts about Mark and hoped things were still going okay. He asked if I would read his newest book and email him with my thoughts about it as well. Pretty cool!

I like being acknowledged, not just for what I do, but just that I've been heard and what I've said has been noted. To me, that's an integral piece of the puzzle between a good day and a great day.

It's Here

Today V is on his very long list of flights to eventually wind up in Riyadh or as I call it "that God forsaken place". How do I feel about it? Pretty doggone crappy. On top of that, I have caught I's virus and woke up in the middle of the night with a raw throat and pounding headache. Combine that with I waking me up at 5:30 because her nose was running and we're off to a great start of a long two weeks!

I'm trying to concentrate on the positives or it's going to be an even longer two weeks. So here's what I've come up with so far:

1. If I was dead, I wouldn't feel this pain in my throat and feel so lousy so I guess that means I'm alive, which is a very positive thing.

2. I have plenty of time at night to get all my work and personal projects done without guilt of neglecting V.

3. I like this time of year since I do all my shopping online, every day now there's packages on the porch for me to open and ooh and aah over at night.

4. I was stressing about making it to the mailbox before the mailman came to get that blasted postmark on the property taxes when lo and behold, he knocked on my door with a package and nicely took the envelope with him.

Who says life isn't about the small things? Baby steps, baby steps...

It's Almost Here

You probably assume I'm talking about Christmas but I'm not. I'm talking about V leaving for Saudi Arabia for 2 weeks and that day is tomorrow. This is the beginning of a six month tour of duty (no he's not in the military). Next month it will probably be three weeks there, one week back home (but still working). And now it's the day before he leaves and inevitably, I'm feeling sad and worried. I don't like him this far away and specifically in that country. He's flying hoome on the 23rd which doesn't give him a lot of wiggle room if something goes wrong with the flight.

Enough about that - can't control so just need to let it go. On a better note, we got our Christmas tree yesterday and got the lights on it and Isabella was really excited about it.



Over the next couple of days, we'll get the ornaments on it little by little until it is a perfect Christmas tree. Every tree is a perfect Christmas tree once we get all of our family ornaments on it. Telling Isabella the story behind each one is one of the things I look forward to the most. She won't understand too much of them this year, but as the years go on, I will enjoy passing on the stories to her. Ah, Christmas through a child's eyes - there is nothing like it! I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance!