Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is D.'s first birthday and I just finished reading D.'s birth story that my doula wrote up from when the first contractions started until he was first suckling.  It never ceases to fill me with wonder, thankfulness, and joy that I was able to have the experience I hoped for after much research and a whole lot of time and pain.  It's truly a miracle.

I read it and it felt like yesterday literally that it happened.  I remember the thoughts in my brain, the smells and conversations, the way I would pass it for 30 seconds in between contractions towards the end so thankful for the "rest" and how I thought, even with the pain and exhaustion, "Wow, this is so cool considering all my insomnia problems."  God was really looking out for me and giving me what I needed to make it to my end goal - a healthy baby delivered that I could hold and nurse almost immediately.

What also is special that this last one is the only one V. got to experience in this way and it's been a neat memory for us together and also for him and D.

I was nursing D. tonight before bed and he was just such a character. Making his squeaking noises while he nursed and then grinning at me with a nipple in his mouth after I sneezed. He just is the happiest baby I've met and he's all mine - how lucky! My plan for tomorrow is go to the beach for a couple of hours to enjoy D.'s birthday. Hopefully they will both sleep a little later than 4:45am so that the day will not be teetering on the edge of meltdowns, mostly on I.'s part since D. still takes 2 naps to alleviate the breakdowns. V. is working in San Diego so he should make it home for bath and bedtime which makes a huge difference in my day. I can't believe it's been a year. Where has the time gone??

Pre-1st Birthday Post

We've had a couple of good days under our belt, I. and I.  It's been really nice.  Tonight I'm a mix of emotions.  I'm excited for D. for his 1st birthday party tomorrow.  He's never been at a party where he is the center of attention and I think he's really going to enjoy it.

But I still have this shocked feeling that we are already here, his first birthday.  It just doesn't seem that long ago.  For the last week, I've been reading each morning my pregnancy journal to see what I was feeling and experiencing a year ago and it's been bringing it all back.

It's going to be Sunday and Monday that are especially sentimental because Monday at 5:20am is when D. was finally born.  There's a lot to be said for being sentimental but perhaps I am taking it too far.  Or maybe not.  As long as I'm able to enjoy D.'s birthday and enjoy his experiences with it, is what matters and that is what I am determined to do.

My Investment

Yesterday was another uphill climb of a day.  I know how much I. needs sleep.  I've made HUGE sacrifices every since she's been born to ensure she gets enough sleep.  This has been one of the reasons I stressed out when I found out I was pregnant with D.  I knew they would ultimately wind up in the same bedroom and I knew it could end up with dire consequences if I. did not get enough sleep.

I have to admit, it's going much better than anticipated though not without a steep price.  Yes, they are pretty much on the same sleep schedule which is downright amazing considering a 6 year difference.  It's evened out by D.'s predictable (2) 1.5 naps a day.  I still make a concerted effort to get I. to bed at a time that allows her to mellow out for a bit and then fall asleep while still giving her about 11-12 hours of sleep which she needs in order to function as a  well behaved, well rested child.  There are rules however to safeguard her sleep and she willfully disobeyed one of those and yesterday we all paid the price.  Consequences were swift.  We were going to go to the beach in the morning when D. woke up but not with the behavior going on  so that was a big loss.  Instead we went grocery shopping (pretty depressing, huh?).  Instead of playing with her while D. was asleep, I got things done and relaxed which I really needed to do since I was battling nursing issues and some virus of some sort.

Last night I wrote in I. and I's journal.  She pulled it out at dinner yesterday and said, "You said we were going to have a fun summer!"  And I replied, "I have had a lot of fun things planned for the summer but we haven't been able to do them because of your behavior."  I explained to her what her rights were (safety, food, love) and privileges (tv, video games, fun outings, toys, clothes) and that in order for the latter to happen, her behavior had to be acceptable.  So I wrote in the journal and she read it this morning and once again, my girl reappeared today.  Helpful, cheerful, no back talking, very little complaining, and almost no negativity.  She woke up today at 4:30am so she was yawning and saying she was tired at 3:30pm but she still kept it together.

This makes me feel better because I know she can control herself when she chooses to.  Since I have bipolar,schizo, and depression tendencies running through my genes I am unfortunately on alert for these things in my kids.  Is I. acting this way because she is unable to control herself, is she bipolar?  Or is she just needing to mature and be required to control her strong emotions as she gets older?  I think the answer is that she can when she wants to but sometimes if the price is not steep enough and she just doesn't feel like it, she lets it all hang out.

I guess I just have to have hope and keep praying for her and for me to keep consistently and calmly doing the right thing.  And keep communicating verbally and writing in our journal since that seems to make it further in her heart.  The words I say she doesn't want to hear even when I keep them to a short minimum.  She says,"I don't want to hear any more."  It seems not so much to be her being rude as it is that the words overwhelm her.  Yet I can write quite a bit and say a lot of things in a written format and she seems to not only take it in but take it to heart and enjoy it.

I love my girl.  She is so complicated that it exhausts me almost all of the time lately but I'll tell you what, if she emerges into adulthood successfully there will be no person prouder and quicker to take a lot of credit than myself.  She is a true investment.

It's Approaching

D.'s first birthday is quickly approaching and I feel like each day it's approaching more quickly.  His actual birth has been on my mind lately and each time I think about it, I'm so thankful for having that experience, our beautiful experience.  Getting to do it the way I really wanted to was such a blessing and I'll just never forget it.

I've also thinking a lot about the days just before he was born probably because next week is VBS.  I remember fervently praying that I would make it past VBS so that I. could attend the whole thing uninterrupted.  And I did, by a matter of hours.  I was having some contractions that last VBS day but was still a couple of weeks away from his due date so I didn't get too concerned.  But the day after VBS, I. and I went to my doctor's appointment where I was told there was no change and that it looked like I still had a couple of weeks to go even though I was having contractions.  Then we walked over to the cafeteria to have lunch, which was a big deal to I., because I had to have the stress test in the afternoon.  During the stress test, I. played video games and I laid there listening to D.'s heart beat and feeling him thrash around in my belly.  The nurse came in and looked at the paper strip and made a comment about all the contractions I was having.  Afterwards as we were walking back over to the doctor's office, a contraction hit strong enough to make me stop, grab my belly and have to catch my breath.  That's when I thought, oh boy I think this might be the start of the real thing...which it was.

And now I'm looking at the box just delivered today full of D.'s first birthday decorations and I just cannot believe how fast this year has gone.  It's been so full of joy, happiness, and a deep contentment and knowing that I/we have truly been blessed by D.  He brought a completeness to our family and to each one of us individually and does so every single day.

Jekyll and Hyde

Each morning when I wake up, before I get out of bed I pray for patience, wisdom and a gentle heart because I have no idea who I'll be encountering throughout the day when it comes to I.  These days it seems I spend time with Jekyll and Hyde instead of I.

Last week I suppose was the honeymoon week after I. spent 4 days at my parents' house.  I. was back to her loving, appreciative, positive, happy, and sometimes helpful self.  However, this week has been an entirely different story.  The first two days of the week went really badly - loud crying tantrums about putting toys away in her room in the morning followed by another one when the loss of tv privileges for the day were revoked as a consequence.  The afternoon featured talking back, not minding, and giving attitude when asked to do anything and another tantrum occurred when I yanked my reading to her at bedtime as the consequence.  First thing in the morning Tuesday we started our day with a blatant lie to my face leading to privileges being revoked, resulting in a screaming tantrum albeit shorter.  Honestly I think the worst punishment was that she had to apologize for lying.  Sadly I think the only reason she finally did apologize was because she knew another consequence was about to come down. In the afternoon, she made me a card that she wrote,"Just want to let you know that I love you so much Mommy. I do I do I do love you."  So sweet yet very confusing to me.

Yesterday morning she cleaned up her room thoroughly without complaint which was great and was a significant improvement.  Things were okay until midday when the negative complaining started up again and since she just seemed to not be able to stop her mouth, I told her to go into her room before it got her into more trouble.  Again in the afternoon, she made me a card that said,"I am so sorry about the way I acted Mommy and I hope you know that I love you and you are the best Mommy that I could ever have."  It made me tear up and I told her that I loved the card and I wished this Isabella with the sweet heart would be around a lot more than she had been lately.

Today was better, no cleaning up problems and when she started complaining and to make snotty, defiant comments, I told her that she needed to control her mouth or go somewhere else unless she wanted to be punished.  And she pretty much stopped.  Unfortunately she ignored my "you need to lower your voice" several times at the chiropractor late this afternoon and threw a little tantrum there so I calmly told her on the way home that that was unacceptable behavior and that she would be going straight to bed after bath without me reading to her.  What was interesting is that she didn't cry, scream or carry on like she usually does.  I think she expected it and therefore, accepted it.

So maybe I am making headway.  Throughout this week I've explained to her that my job as a mommy is not to be her friend but to love her and to teach her right from wrong and how to make good choices.  Sometimes that means that I have to discipline her when she makes bad choices and I don't enjoy it but it's part of my job and I have to do it.  She gets that now.  She  may not like it, but she gets it.  By giving out consequences quickly and consistently, I feel less angry and frustrated and able to move past the tirade more quickly because I feel like it's been dealt with.

I don't want it to look like all I've been doing is punishing her because we've done plenty of fun things too.  Every day we play cards together or do a science experiment or color. Tomorrow we're going in the pool for a couple of hours and hit the library in the afternoon.   It's just a matter of balance between what needs to get done and things we do for fun.  I just wish that switch between Jekyll and Hyde came with a flashing light so that you could see when it's coming and be a little less blindsided.  I. is just a complicated child with so much going on internally and very little easing out externally until an explosion hits.  I know V. being gone all week has played a significant role based on things she says here and there.  Since Monday she's been "wishing it was Friday so Daddy would be home."  and "I only like Saturdays and Sundays because Daddy's home, I don't like the other days."  I can empathize with her but I can't fix it and it's frustrating.  It's also frustrating because when I tell V., he doesn't believe it really and I don't know if it's because of his past divorce and not being a huge part of the girls' lives.  When I tell him what I. says he says, "She's just saying that to get to you and look, it's working."  I've told him to stop poo-pooing her feelings and start being more sensitive towards her feelings because he's going to hurt her heart and if he hurts her heart, I'm gonna kill him.  Plain and simple.  I've even developed a code word that I say to him when I sense that she is needing him or something from him and he's obliviously trampling on her or not taking her seriously.  It has helped and adds levity to what could be a trigger to really bad feelings between V. and I.

I hope by the end of summer that we are in a good place, a more peaceful and consistently happy place.

Parenting Lessons

I'm not the most spiritual mother and I know it.  Do I pray for help and guidance as I parent?  Yes I do but it's not an hourly or even daily habit.  It probably should be.  But what I do know and have had proof of is that when I'm really going through a rough patch and I'm feeling completely demoralized after several weeks of tough parenting time, God will direct me when I've been willing to accept help and be responsible for the part I have played in creating the tough times.  It's humbling but extremely rewarding.

Since I. got out of school, it's been difficult.  Negativity, talking back, tantrums all of it and this after I had such high hopes for our summer.  I was completely shocked, so disappointed, and to be honest dreading the tween and teenage years if it was like this at age 6.  A few minutes before I. got home from my parents' house, I opened a book I've read and have been known to refer to, "Parenting with Love and Logic."  I really like this book but I haven't picked it up for months because to be honest the last thing I want to read or think about after the kids go to bed is a book about kids and the challenges of parenting.  I mean, I've been LIVING the challenges of parenting all day long so I want to take a mental break from it when I can.

However, I happened to pick up the book right before she came home, kind of a way of taking a deep breath knowing that my force of nature was returning home after such an easy peasy 4 days with D.  I opened the book where I had left off and the topic was "Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language".  This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with so that was pretty wild right there.  I read the 3 pages quickly and it put this nugget in my brain to think about - what am I doing that may be setting off this behavior in I.?  Over the remainder of the day and evening I pondered that and came up with things I was doing unpurposely that would make her feel as though she were on the outside of D. and I.  And it grieved my heart greatly because the whole pregnancy my main concern and sadness was about losing that Mommy and I. relationship.  Yet by trying to savor these baby days with D., some of the stuff I was doing was leaving her out.  I realized that this summer is also her time with D.  Once she starts full day school in September, she won't have this time with D. yet I still will.  This realization of course made me feel even worse.

Starting on Monday, I made changes allowing I. "full access" to D. except for when he needs to nurse.  It's made a big difference.  I also made a point of incorporating more fun.  I was playing with her every day but I've stepped it up a little more and she's noticed.  We've gone to get yogurt and played a little more, done extra crafts that she wanted to do, and tomorrow I'm surprising her by taking her to see Madagascar just the two of us.  And that's before an afternoon play date with a school friend at our house in the afternoon that I scheduled.  We play together with D. and I'm more silly and relaxed.  Next week I've got some beach time and time at our pool on the calendar.  Basically, I've just stepped it up.  Does it make our calendar a little full?  Yes, but at least it's full because I've beefed up the fun not because we have extra errands to do.  Errands will always be there but this summer, our first full summer with the three of us, will only come once.  I. is old enough now to remember these times and I want her memories to be good ones like I have with my mom.  I also want to remember this summer with fondness and happiness not with regrets of what I should have done.

So although I may not be the most godly of mothers, I am so thankful that when I finally open up my heart and mind and ask for help, He hits me over the head with a hard cover book that helps me immensely.

Rough First Night

Last night was the first night the kids were in the same room.  It wasn't the going to sleep part that was tough.  It was the 3am D. waking up and babbling part that went haywire.  For some reason, I. thought this was a good time to get up for the day though she knows better so both kids were up at 3am. for the day.  I woke up at 4:45 hearing things so today we didn't feel all that great.

That being said, I. and I got along better with attitude adjustments on both sides.  I'm praying hard for a better night's sleep for all of us tonight.