Horrible Nightmare

I had one of my worst vivid dreams this morning. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that when I was telling V. about it tonight at dinner (yes, he actually was here for dinner), I started sobbing and this was over 12 hours later. This was the nightmare.

We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.

I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.

I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?

Mysteries Abound

My last post was all about the present and future pains I was experiencing/anticipating and the weird thing was that there was plenty of "pains" just not the ones I expected.

We (my mom, I. and I) piled into the dentist office that afternoon, me a less stressed due to the Ativan and they got me in the chair. They put the topical on my gum and let it sit there and then my dentist came in. Mind you, the last time I was in and was told of this cavity, her new partner who I had never seen before, came in and delivered the bad news curtly. My regular dentist is a nice woman, who takes the time to smile and talk with you. So she walked in and said cheerfully, "How are you?" and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not amused whatsoever about having to be at her office today. She actually looked surprised. Really, I'm sure this wasn't the first time she's ever heard it but I guess it was the first time she's heard it from me. She said she wanted to take a look at the cavity since she never had actually seen it and then get this...she proceeds to tell me there is NO CAVITY!

I almost cried, really I did because I was so thankful to not have to go through this and so happy that I still don't have any cavities. Then I got pissed off that I had to go through all of this, drag my mom into it, and stress about it for 3 weeks. But right after that, I was and still am so happy! And I'll tell you what, I'm flossing every stinkin' day!

So after dodging that bullet, the next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling pretty okay until about an hour and a half later when I was fixing I. her breakfast. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up, then exhaustion hit, chills, and a headache. My stomach hurt so bad, I had to lay down for 2 hours and try not to move so I wouldn't throw up. Thankfully, I. behaved herself though not quietly until finally I had to get up, get ready, and fix her lunch or she wouldn't make it to school. Wouldn't you know that today was the day I signed up to work at her class? I tried to tell I. that I may have to ask for another day because literally, I could have fallen asleep right there which is highly unusual for me, but I. was so disappointed and she kept sobbing and what could I do? So I made it through her class by sucking it up and enjoying it, got her home, fed, and in the bath whereupon I laid down on her bedroom floor and dozed in and out between her many questions. Bathed her, read to her, got her in bed, me in the shower and then I dozed off for 30 minutes. Mind you, I hadn't eaten all day and had no appetite which is not normal for me so I choked down some chicken noodle soup and bread for dinner. I'm not sure what it was - today I wasn't 100% either but I felt substantially better. It's times like these when I feel sorry for myself for not having anyone to fall back on - I have to suck it up and continue on even when I feel like I could just fall over. Who says being a momma isn't the toughest job? Ain't no sick time here baby!

So as I said, mysteries abound - the quasi-cavity, the hit-you-between-the-eyes illness and still my back is recovering. Hoping that the rest of this week is filled with less pain and more smiles.

A Day

I woke up yesterday with a pulled muscle in my back and today it is still very tender. Add to that the threat of having our water turned off 8am-3pm, my first cavity being filled this afternoon and you have a cornucopia of a long day. We're going to the gym just to have secure access to bathrooms this morning and then my mom is supposed to come over to watch I. while I go to the dentist.

You see, I have a thing about teeth. As in kind of a phobia, gross-out type of thing. Always have, even when I was a kid. I've never had any kind of work done at the dentist aside from cleanings, which by the way I have a hard time with. It's like an overload of sensations that I can't escape from - wetness, grittiness, the scraping sound, the scraping feeling, the blood - ugh, it's almost too much for me. And now, the cavity filling, God help me. Or if not Him, may the 2 Ativans that I'll be taking at 1pm help me to just not care. Apparently, I'm lucky enough to have the only dentist to not offer nitrious oxide.

What a day.

A Different Kind of First

This week I experienced another first but this time with one of the older girls (B.). I looked at my Facebook page the other night and I saw that B. was listed in the right margin as a suggested friend. Hmm, that's new, she's never been on there before, I guess she just joined.

I click to look at her profile and what does she have posted as her profile picture? A picture of her smoking a hooka or something very bizarre looking. I guess we're hoping it's a hooka at this point. Now I know she doesn't want her father or I seeing this picture but I guess she didn't put all the pieces of the puzzle together and figure that we're on there and can see her. What's really funny is that the two of us are probably showing up as "suggested friends" on her FB page.

V. is not one to miss an opportunity to wind up their mother so he calls her up and gets her frothing at the mouth. I hate to think what happened when B. walked back in the house last night because the shit was definitely hitting the fan. I'll probably hear what happened later tonight when V. gets home. I have a feeling this is the first of many lessons one or both of the girls are going to be painfully learning in the next few years.

As Promised - Pictures

I still haven't figured out the rhyme and reason to the order of posting pics on here. It seems no matter the order I upload the pic in, they are shuffled. So "bear" (see first pic) with me:

We had to wait quite a long time to get a piece of pie at Mom's Pies. Once we got in there, I was happy to see something that would distract I. and make for a cute picture too. I have to say, she waited in line really well!

Picking apples at the apple orchard just outside of Julian. It was off the beaten path and we drove with our windows down to enjoy the cold mountain air and forest views.

Heading into Dudley's for a carb-fest of bread. We both look forward to having a piece at breakfast every day.

Our apple bag was getting full and heavy as I. found out. I made some baked apples with dried cranberries, honey, and walnuts as a filling - awesome!

This is where we ended up eating lunch in Julian. Had her pose with the menu since the name of the restaurant rhymed with her name.

Such a good time for both of us. Now if I could just figure out how to have the DVD playing in the backseat without me having to listen to it too, we'd be in business. I've done it successfully once and it was a godsend. For this trip, I had to listen to Curious George and some other British cartoons that got stuck in my brain for days on the way up and back. We only use the DVD player for long (once a year) trips so I. is thrilled when I announce that we're going to use it. I do have to say that I'll take Curious George ANY DAY over Elmo's Adventure full-length movie that we played on the way to Palm Desert last New Year's (I. and I again). Now that was torturous!

Experiencing Another First

Today I was planning on I. and I heading up to Julian for her first visit. I figured going up on a Monday would be a great idea because the crowds would be limited. However Mother Nature had other plans for us and as it turned out, it was a good thing she did.

Yesterday morning a light storm moved into San Diego and when I looked at the weather, that same storm was going to head into Julian overnight, leading to thunderstorms today. So after V. left for the airport (yes, on a Sunday morning), I decided that I. and I were going to have our road trip now or never.

It turned into a great trip for us. It only took us 45 minutes to get to our first stop, Dudley's Bread, to pick up some delicious bread loaves and munch on a piece of Date Nut bread on the way to our next stop. (Can you tell I had been in research mode the night before?) Our next stop was an apple orchard where we picked a bag of apples which was something I had never done. Then onto the town of Julian which unfortunately was very crowded for lunch, wandering, and then waiting in line for a piece of Mom's Pie. We both decided on Apple Cherry Crumble and it was delicious. The weather was perfect, about 59 degrees, just like how you want it to be when you're visiting the mountains. It was so fun to be there with my little girl after having memories of being there with my parents when I was a little girl. So much has changed but when we were there, so little had changed too. In a way it was comforting.

I'll never miss the chance to experience a "first" with I. They are the highlights of my motherhood and the things that always get me through those things I secretly wish were "lasts".

Now if I can just figure out a way to not be so doggone sad/practically grieving about next year when she goes to school full-time. I just can't help but see it as the beginning of an end and one that I didn't anticipate coming so rapidly. I cannot be the only mother who feels this way but I feel like the intensity with which I feel it is out of proportion to "normal" mothers. I know my mom cried on my first day of school every year because summer was over so I think she probably did feel this way. I'll have to ask her when I talk to her this week.

***Pictures to follow***

Unstructured and Inefficient

You know those times when you get absolutely frustrated because you are trying to get one simple thing done but by the time seven other things have interrupted you, it winds up becoming an all day project? That's kind of how today's schedule is looking.

Today is supposed to be my big chunk of time to get something or nothing done. Originally I was supposed to have lunch with a friend (same one that cancelled last week) so I figured I could drop I. off, run to the gym, have lunch with my friend and still have a chunk of time before it was time to pick I. up.

Instead, it's looking like one big fragmented day which tends to drive my highly organized mind crazy because more often than not, the day ends and I really haven't gotten anything of consequence accomplished. Which frustrates me to no end.

So how did my efficient day disintegrate? Well, my lunch got changed to coffee to occur 30 minutes after dropping I. off so that eliminates going to the gym beforehand. Then the pumpkin patch is being set up today at I.'s school and during their playground time, there will be pictures and she'll get to pick out a pumpkin. Last year, this happened right before school ended but this year, it's at 2pm, an hour before the end of school. I. asked me twice in an hour yesterday if I would come to the pumpkin patch and how could I possibly say no? Especially considering that I'm constantly hearing the clock ticking down when she's in school full-time and I'll only get a few hours, if that, with her during the weekdays. Plus, of course I want to see her at her pumpkin patch.

I responded yes I would be there and now I. has requested that after the pumpkin patch, I come back into her classroom for the rest of the school day. So there goes that chunk of time. I don't know what'll I'll be doing in between the two schedule-busting events. I guess I'll pack gym clothes just in case and some reading material and I'll just play it by ear. My favorite.

I don't think it helps any that I had many nightmares and a screaming night terror last night. They just wouldn't stop - talk about exhausting. Nights like that almost make me happy when it's time to get up. Note: I used the word "almost" ...