Today was a day - some laughs, some crying, some getting things off of chests, and of course some insanity. Your basic emotional roller coaster that I could seriously do without. I can't wait to see what night terrors my subconscience puts together tonight as it attempts to process this day. I'll try to be succinct.
This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.
First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.
Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?
The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.
The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Not A Stellar Start
The past 2 years it's felt like us spending time as a family was not allowed so I have been looking forward to a nice family 3 day weekend. I was looking forward to having V. home all next week and had fun plans lined up but AGAIN, the stupid company decided that was not to be. As always, the COMPANY trumps our life. It's like we're in the Mafia or something the way they control our life but we get none of the perks. Perks of being in the Mafia you say? Come on, haven't you watched GoodFellas, Sopranos, or Casino - those people had ROCKIN' houses, nice cars, jewelry out the ying-yang, good food, and lots of friends and family around to make up for the fact that the men were never home. Okay, so maybe I am being just a little sarcastic but you get my drift.
Anyways...
I was looking forward to this weekend but it's off to a less than stellar start. First, the girls refused to take the train down for their visit to save V. having to drive 3 hours RT this morning and 3 hours RT tomorrow morning so V. is off and driving. Why am I complaining about this since I'm not the one driving? Because that means he's not only gone the entire morning 2 out of the 3 of our so-called family days but when he gets back he's exhausted and takes a 1-2 hour nap when he gets home. That wipes out 8:30am-2:30pm from both days. With I.'s bedtime routine starting at 4:15 for a 5pm bedtime, that leaves essentially no time to go do something fun. At least we'll have Monday to be together thank God.
The other not so stellar part of this morning was the way I was woken up. V. didn't communicate to me that he planned on going to the gym on the way to pickup the girls so I thought I was going to get to sleep in til 8:30 or so for a change. Not to be because I was woken up by the bang of his suitcase against the door as he used it to push the door open. Once he put that against the wall and dumped Cat on the bed he walked out. During these rude deposits, I was asking why I never get to sleep in around this place and I guess he got irritated because to him 7:45 is practically the middle of the day. And maybe it is to someone who CHOOSES to get up early so that he can read 10 online newspapers without interruption and have alone time. The problem is that where's the benefit to the family if then you have to sleep 2-4 hours when the rest of the family unit is awake and ready for some fun????!!!!! There is no benefit to the family, the sole benefit lies with the individual. And therein lies the constant battle of this house: individual vs. family. If V. was here all week, I'm all for the individual time but if you're apart from the family M-F, the weekend should be ALL FAMILY TIME. Of course, that's my humble opinion but at least one of my guy friends agrees so I don't think I'm being estrogen-centric on this topic.
But I digressed with that rant 'cause that wasn't even my beef which may be estrogen-centric. My real beef was that back in the olden days, he would have woken me up with a smile and a kiss. This morning, it's just BANG, no words, an exasperated look, and he left. My usual morning wakeup is I. yelling at the top of her lungs from the next room "come out come out wherever you are Mommy!" or crying accompanied by one or both of the cats meowing and crashing against the door. And you know what, I think I prefer my usual wakeup over today's because at least the usual wakeup doesn't leave me feeling unloved, unappreciated, and that I'm an annoyance.
Like I said, we're off to a not so stellar start of a 3 day weekend. I guess things can only go up from here, right?
Anyways...
I was looking forward to this weekend but it's off to a less than stellar start. First, the girls refused to take the train down for their visit to save V. having to drive 3 hours RT this morning and 3 hours RT tomorrow morning so V. is off and driving. Why am I complaining about this since I'm not the one driving? Because that means he's not only gone the entire morning 2 out of the 3 of our so-called family days but when he gets back he's exhausted and takes a 1-2 hour nap when he gets home. That wipes out 8:30am-2:30pm from both days. With I.'s bedtime routine starting at 4:15 for a 5pm bedtime, that leaves essentially no time to go do something fun. At least we'll have Monday to be together thank God.
The other not so stellar part of this morning was the way I was woken up. V. didn't communicate to me that he planned on going to the gym on the way to pickup the girls so I thought I was going to get to sleep in til 8:30 or so for a change. Not to be because I was woken up by the bang of his suitcase against the door as he used it to push the door open. Once he put that against the wall and dumped Cat on the bed he walked out. During these rude deposits, I was asking why I never get to sleep in around this place and I guess he got irritated because to him 7:45 is practically the middle of the day. And maybe it is to someone who CHOOSES to get up early so that he can read 10 online newspapers without interruption and have alone time. The problem is that where's the benefit to the family if then you have to sleep 2-4 hours when the rest of the family unit is awake and ready for some fun????!!!!! There is no benefit to the family, the sole benefit lies with the individual. And therein lies the constant battle of this house: individual vs. family. If V. was here all week, I'm all for the individual time but if you're apart from the family M-F, the weekend should be ALL FAMILY TIME. Of course, that's my humble opinion but at least one of my guy friends agrees so I don't think I'm being estrogen-centric on this topic.
But I digressed with that rant 'cause that wasn't even my beef which may be estrogen-centric. My real beef was that back in the olden days, he would have woken me up with a smile and a kiss. This morning, it's just BANG, no words, an exasperated look, and he left. My usual morning wakeup is I. yelling at the top of her lungs from the next room "come out come out wherever you are Mommy!" or crying accompanied by one or both of the cats meowing and crashing against the door. And you know what, I think I prefer my usual wakeup over today's because at least the usual wakeup doesn't leave me feeling unloved, unappreciated, and that I'm an annoyance.
Like I said, we're off to a not so stellar start of a 3 day weekend. I guess things can only go up from here, right?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Excited for My Girl
This afternoon marks an important event in I.'s young life. She was invited to a friend from school's house and this is really the first official "come play at my house" invite she's had. To say that she's excited would be an understatement and I'm excited for her. She's a nice little girl, often bringing handmade cards she's made for I. to school and is not one of those fickle little girls that I want to clobber. It's sad that that trait shows up so early on in some kids. I was often a victim of those clique-ish girls throughout my school years and have attempted to pass on some of what I've learned onto I. so that she is resilient.
Resiliency...I think that's a really important characteristic to groom in a kid. I think I should add that to what I hope for I. - happy, content, and resilient. With those three things in her life, she should be able to enjoy life to the max and successfully deal with the punches that life inevitably throws us. I don't think I was taught how to be resilient because my parents like their kids to need them, to be dependent on them so I had to learn that lesson on my own in my early 30s. A lesson learned while you're a kid is much much less harrowing than a lesson learned later in life when consequences may very well be life and death, not just dealing with someone being mean to you for no reason.
A lesson learned is a lesson learned I guess. The bottom line is really did you learn it? Now I'm years down the road from that painful lesson and I'd have to say yes I did learn the lesson and that it's probably what got me through Mark's illness and death. Better late than never!
Resiliency...I think that's a really important characteristic to groom in a kid. I think I should add that to what I hope for I. - happy, content, and resilient. With those three things in her life, she should be able to enjoy life to the max and successfully deal with the punches that life inevitably throws us. I don't think I was taught how to be resilient because my parents like their kids to need them, to be dependent on them so I had to learn that lesson on my own in my early 30s. A lesson learned while you're a kid is much much less harrowing than a lesson learned later in life when consequences may very well be life and death, not just dealing with someone being mean to you for no reason.
A lesson learned is a lesson learned I guess. The bottom line is really did you learn it? Now I'm years down the road from that painful lesson and I'd have to say yes I did learn the lesson and that it's probably what got me through Mark's illness and death. Better late than never!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Stunned
Since I posted twice separately the day before and I didn't want to be responsible for all two of my readers overdosing, I didn't post yesterday. I'm back today though and had a big surprise waiting for me on my blog. One of the real bloggers that I follow, actually left a comment on my last post about leaving a mark on the world that was inspired by her blog. I was so stoked!! It gave me a taste of how addicting it must be for those real bloggers to watch their following grow. I can't figure out how she knew I did it because you see, I'm not a real blogger. Because if I was, I would KNOW how she knew. I suspect that it has something to do with the hyperlink to her blog that I included in my posting but I don't know and it's really bugging me because I so want to know.
And no, I'm not going to be all "junior high-ish" and ask her because that's just way too dorky. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dork. Dorks don't insert the word "pussy" in normal conversations just to horrify their husbands and they certainly don't have a very large bottle of vodka in their freezer. Not naming names or anything, I'm just saying. With all that being said, if Mama Mary does happen to read this, would she mind letting me know how she knew? Because the way my mind works, this curiosity will torture my mind for an indeterminately long time. Thanks. PS. If it's such an easy answer that even my 4 year old would know it, please make it sound more difficult than it actually is so I don't feel like more of an idiot than I already feel. Thanks.
As I peck away on this keyboard, I am in the last hours of my last sizable "off the grid" for awhile. I'm outside on the patio with Fuzzy on my lap, feeling the breeze, hearing my windchimes, and watching this kick-ass lizard dig around on the embankment in front of me. The crows are carrying on about something as they always do though today there seems to be quite a bruhaha taking place. Yet, to me, it's quiet. When I do get time to myself at home, I like it quiet. I want to hear the sounds of things so minor and small that I would never even notice them on a regular day. These are the sounds of all the little things in the day that I'm too busy to notice let alone stop and listen. They are the sounds of life outside of my little world and it's nice to stop, listen, and realize how thankful I am to be alive to hear them.
And no, I'm not going to be all "junior high-ish" and ask her because that's just way too dorky. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dork. Dorks don't insert the word "pussy" in normal conversations just to horrify their husbands and they certainly don't have a very large bottle of vodka in their freezer. Not naming names or anything, I'm just saying. With all that being said, if Mama Mary does happen to read this, would she mind letting me know how she knew? Because the way my mind works, this curiosity will torture my mind for an indeterminately long time. Thanks. PS. If it's such an easy answer that even my 4 year old would know it, please make it sound more difficult than it actually is so I don't feel like more of an idiot than I already feel. Thanks.
As I peck away on this keyboard, I am in the last hours of my last sizable "off the grid" for awhile. I'm outside on the patio with Fuzzy on my lap, feeling the breeze, hearing my windchimes, and watching this kick-ass lizard dig around on the embankment in front of me. The crows are carrying on about something as they always do though today there seems to be quite a bruhaha taking place. Yet, to me, it's quiet. When I do get time to myself at home, I like it quiet. I want to hear the sounds of things so minor and small that I would never even notice them on a regular day. These are the sounds of all the little things in the day that I'm too busy to notice let alone stop and listen. They are the sounds of life outside of my little world and it's nice to stop, listen, and realize how thankful I am to be alive to hear them.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
How Are You Going To Leave Your Mark?
Lots of deep thinking today it seems. Over at TheMamaMaryShow, she asked the question that is the title of this post and it got me to thinking. It is a very important question for me. I admit, it wasn't even on my radar before I had I. but it is now, big time.
I remember when I. was a baby and nursing three times a night, 45 minutes at a time, I would sit rocking in the glider and thinking of all the things I hoped for my daughter. The thing I wished for most was that she would be happy and content in her life. Not successful, not a genius, just happy and content. I think that's the secret to a long, happy life but I could be wrong.
As she got older and got her nourishment from something other than me, I started thinking of this question in terms of just me. I think our 20's is about us or something close to us and then in our 30's we start thinking of things around and outside of ourselves. I still didn't have the complete answer until Mark died and it came to me. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It's not specific which is probably a good thing because it gives me latitude to define what "a difference" means.
I definitely know that a major part of that is raising I. to stick up for herself while being cognizant of others' feelings. To appreciate friends and life because they are a gift of today, not to be taken for granted as always being there. To know that she is loved and valuable because of who she is and how she has been created.
The other part is solely about me, apart from I. and V. The part that would still exist, God forbid, if they weren't with me. How I would leave my mark. For human kind, I would like to serve some role in hospice, volunteer or in a nurse capacity. In the animal world, I'd love to volunteer at the humane society/rescue group or serve as a foster parent. This isn't new territory for me - when I was single, I volunteered in the ICU at Scripps and also at a humane society as an exerciser and foster parent and it was very fulfilling.
Now I'm involved in marketing housing for the indigent poor worldwide so I guess this is another way of leaving my mark. This is a new undertaking so I can't comment on it that much. However, that brings the total to making my mark to: my daughter, hospice, humane society/rescue groups, and poverty stricken. At least it's a good start.
I remember when I. was a baby and nursing three times a night, 45 minutes at a time, I would sit rocking in the glider and thinking of all the things I hoped for my daughter. The thing I wished for most was that she would be happy and content in her life. Not successful, not a genius, just happy and content. I think that's the secret to a long, happy life but I could be wrong.
As she got older and got her nourishment from something other than me, I started thinking of this question in terms of just me. I think our 20's is about us or something close to us and then in our 30's we start thinking of things around and outside of ourselves. I still didn't have the complete answer until Mark died and it came to me. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It's not specific which is probably a good thing because it gives me latitude to define what "a difference" means.
I definitely know that a major part of that is raising I. to stick up for herself while being cognizant of others' feelings. To appreciate friends and life because they are a gift of today, not to be taken for granted as always being there. To know that she is loved and valuable because of who she is and how she has been created.
The other part is solely about me, apart from I. and V. The part that would still exist, God forbid, if they weren't with me. How I would leave my mark. For human kind, I would like to serve some role in hospice, volunteer or in a nurse capacity. In the animal world, I'd love to volunteer at the humane society/rescue group or serve as a foster parent. This isn't new territory for me - when I was single, I volunteered in the ICU at Scripps and also at a humane society as an exerciser and foster parent and it was very fulfilling.
Now I'm involved in marketing housing for the indigent poor worldwide so I guess this is another way of leaving my mark. This is a new undertaking so I can't comment on it that much. However, that brings the total to making my mark to: my daughter, hospice, humane society/rescue groups, and poverty stricken. At least it's a good start.
Seven Things About Me
Diana from The Adventures of A Write-At-Home Mom honored me with a surprise nomination for the Versatile Blogger award, which states that I must disclose seven random nuggets about myself and then nominate five other bloggers who I enjoy following. Let the nuggets begin!
1. I live in a house of animals who have serious mental issues and are conspiring to drive me insane. No, I'm not the "cat lady" but I do have two cats and a conure (medium parrot). One of the cats came with the husband, the parrot came with me, and then we adopted the second cat - a true blended family to be sure. The parrot imitates everything at the top of his lungs and likes nothing more than to laugh loudly at any funny tv show you have on, to the point that you can't hear the dialogue. Yeah, it's real funny. One of the cats wants to be fed by 4am every day and if he isn't, he expresses his displeasure but leaving a "present" from his backend on the carpet for me. Not to be outdone, the other cat appears to have explosive diarrhea once a day on the carpet when she gets stressed so I'll be adding Prozac to her daily RX protocol. If that's not enough to drive me insane, it's enough to make me wonder if maybe I'm already insane, which is a distinct possibility.
2. I am a black belt in taekwondo with experience in karate, krav maga, and muay thai. There's two parts to martial arts - the forms (or katas) and the sparring/fighting aspect. It should be no surprise to anyone who knows me that I detested forms but loved sparring. The more violence the better. As part of my black belt test, I had to break three 1-inch concrete slabs stacked on top of each other with my bare hand. I was the first female to take the test at the dojo and I had to petition the sensei to be able to do this breaking because he was old school and thought only men should break three slabs; women should only break one. As it turned out, there were five men and me testing that day - only three of the guys and me successfully broke all three slabs.
3. Another nugget of craziness related to martial arts is that while practicing breaking concrete slabs for a demonstration, I injured my right hand so badly that the ER put it in a cast. Keep in mind, I was in my mid-20s, right-handed and working in a professional career. But I was also the only female black belt in the dojo and I wanted to serve as inspiration for all the girls so the day of the demonstration, I broke the concrete slabs with my left hand. Yes, I was crazy even back then.
4. Last year was the second most terrible year in my life (so far). Not only did I lose my 39 year old best friend to pancreatic cancer, many times I felt like I was losing my mind to grief and anger, losing my grip on reality as I struggled to provide a happy, normal environment for my 4 year old, and losing my marriage due to my husband being 3500 miles away and unable/unwilling to be there emotionally and physically for me. Yet myself, my girl, and my marriage made it through and learned a lot of lessons along the way. That being said, if that was my second worst year, can you even imagine what my first must have been like?!
5. I have an aversion to talking to people on the phone. I put off phone calls like it's having teeth pulled. If it's a call to a close friend where I know it'll be a fun or short convo, then I don't have a problem. But if it's someone I don't know or with whom I'm not particularly comfortable with, I'll put it off as long as possible until putting it off starts aggravating me more than just making the damn call. I blame this completely on my mother who cannot have a phone call last shorter than 20 minutes no matter what the topic, purpose, situation, time of day, or excuses. She requires at least 60 minutes at a time and usually 58 minutes of it is her talking. This is why I call her once a week while I'm on the treadmill and as my annoyance increases so does the speed and incline of that treadmill. Ironically, I get my best cardio workouts on those days.
6. Ten years ago, my therapist at the time, who is now a great friend, told me that I was "a man trapped in a women's body". It has been one of the greatest explanations of me I've ever heard because it is spot-on and explains many of my oddities, struggles, and dichotomies.
7. Though I'm not a creative or vindictive person by nature, if you truly piss me off, I will come up with the most unique, out-of-this-world ideas for exacting my revenge. Take for instance three individuals who did everything they could to undermine me all the while acting as though they were being helpful. After a year of this bullshit, I'd had it and after some research on the internet, I sent each of them a gift wrapped, untraceable package of horse shit and dog shit. Unfortunately, this was not too long after 9/11 so they were deemed to be suspicious packages and they didn't get to actually open them. That's okay, 'cause the bomb squad blew those suckers in the middle of the downtown street which actually made me laugh harder than if they had opened the damn things. Here's a newsflash: you never want to piss off a resourceful woman.
After reading this over, I guess I can see why many of my friends and husband consider me feisty. Sometimes it just takes some reminiscing to remember that it's still there, it just comes out differently now. And with that concluding my seven nuggets of info on me, I hereby nominate the following five bloggers (three are local San Diegans, I believe) to this worthy Versatile Blogger award and look forward to their random disclosures:
Steve at Single Steve
Mariel and Jessica at Or So She Says
Maria at Mommy Melee
Honored
This morning I was catching up with my blogging "peeps" and guess what? One of them tapped me on the shoulder to participate in "7 Things About Me" where you tell 7 things about yourself (you probably figured that out huh?) and then you nominate 5 of your favorite bloggers to do the same. Pretty cool!
Of course, the only bad part is that I cannot figure out technologically how to get the graphic which announces the project into the post but hopefully help is on the horizon. As soon as it is, I can get going on the post. It's one of those things that initially you think you have nothing to write about and then as you move through your day, you recognize, "Hey, that's one. Hey, that's another one!" until by the end of the day, I'll be whittling these things down to the top 7, or at least that's what I'm hoping.
The best part of it was that my friend who nominated said that I was "the feistiest momma she knows". Best compliment I've gotten in at least 2 weeks!
Of course, the only bad part is that I cannot figure out technologically how to get the graphic which announces the project into the post but hopefully help is on the horizon. As soon as it is, I can get going on the post. It's one of those things that initially you think you have nothing to write about and then as you move through your day, you recognize, "Hey, that's one. Hey, that's another one!" until by the end of the day, I'll be whittling these things down to the top 7, or at least that's what I'm hoping.
The best part of it was that my friend who nominated said that I was "the feistiest momma she knows". Best compliment I've gotten in at least 2 weeks!
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