I know, it's been a long time and you know what, I really have no excuse. It's not that anything stressful or horrible has been going on, it's just been a kind of steady normal around here. V.'s been back a few weeks now and doesn't have a plane ticket booked out of here yet so that's a good sign. I've noticed though when things are going "steady normal" is when I have a hard time writing. It's when things are swirling clockwise down the toliet bowl of life that I have the easiest time blogging. The writing becomes my lifeline, my digestion process of all the crud that has been force fed to me and the end result is a posting. I guess that makes a posting a turd of sorts! SORRY! I know that was over the top disgusting and probably uncalled for but it made me chuckle to myself how a logical stream of thought always seems to end in a scatalogical fashion. Be sure and look that word up - it's a hoot.
I'd like to blame this all on I. since at 3 years old, poop is always a hilarious topic. Unfortunately, if I'm being honest with myself, it's always been part of my sick humor. But if it gives me and maybe some other sick individual a chuckle in the middle of the day, then it's a good thing. I really do want to post more often and I'm going to try to do it.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Day Always Ends on the Plus Side
V.'s been gone over 2 weeks now and hopefully just 2 weeks to go until the next 4 to 5 weeks away after working 2 weeks here. I hate this economy with its' lack of choices and its' crappiness! Otherwise, I could just be allowed to be bitter and angry about this work separation instead of feeling as though I should just be happy we have an income coming in (which I am) but can a lonely woman just vent happily for a moment for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday I'm taking I. over to my parents' house to stay over two nights for a couple of reasons. One, I need to stand in a long line for my first choice preschool in the wee hours of the morning in a parking lot and two, it would be nice to be able to sleep blissfully during my primetime hours of 4-7am without worrying that I. was screaming for her mommy while the cats were charging my bedroom door. It really is a madhouse around here in the mornings. When V. is here, at least I feel as though I have a backup for the early morning madness so I can relax my brain and sleep til 7:30 or so. Woo hoo - what a woman of leisure!
Of course, I've already prepared myself for the fact that no matter what relaxing, pleasurable events I plan during this "alone" time and how much fun I have surrounded by silence without all the why's and look it mommy's, I'll realize sometime toward the end of the day, that I didn't laugh as much, wasn't as silly as normal, and have nearly as much fun as I would have had if I. was there. To be fair, I probably won't be dealing with nearly the amount of mess/clutter and emotional upheaval during these two days either. Yet, taking the good with the bad, when I. is with me, the day always ends on the plus side.
Wednesday I'm taking I. over to my parents' house to stay over two nights for a couple of reasons. One, I need to stand in a long line for my first choice preschool in the wee hours of the morning in a parking lot and two, it would be nice to be able to sleep blissfully during my primetime hours of 4-7am without worrying that I. was screaming for her mommy while the cats were charging my bedroom door. It really is a madhouse around here in the mornings. When V. is here, at least I feel as though I have a backup for the early morning madness so I can relax my brain and sleep til 7:30 or so. Woo hoo - what a woman of leisure!
Of course, I've already prepared myself for the fact that no matter what relaxing, pleasurable events I plan during this "alone" time and how much fun I have surrounded by silence without all the why's and look it mommy's, I'll realize sometime toward the end of the day, that I didn't laugh as much, wasn't as silly as normal, and have nearly as much fun as I would have had if I. was there. To be fair, I probably won't be dealing with nearly the amount of mess/clutter and emotional upheaval during these two days either. Yet, taking the good with the bad, when I. is with me, the day always ends on the plus side.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Twitter Vs. Epiphany
Like most of my postings, I'm starting this one before giving it a title. It just seems like most of my post titles evolve as I'm writing them. And yes, I've been negligent in my blogging. Part of it is that V. was home for a whole 2 weeks and I was saving my words and thoughts for him - a sort of upload to his brain, as opposed to the blog, while he was still here. But now, yet again he's gone probably for 5 weeks this time...
The other thing that I realized is interfering with my postings is this perceived need to have some sort of epiphany in order to blog. I really don't want my blog to turn into some sort of a Twitter kind of thing - any random thought entering my brain does not need to be broadcast to the world. However, it shouldn't require an epiphany in order to blog. So, I need to find a happy medium between Twitter and epiphanies.
The other thing that I realized is interfering with my postings is this perceived need to have some sort of epiphany in order to blog. I really don't want my blog to turn into some sort of a Twitter kind of thing - any random thought entering my brain does not need to be broadcast to the world. However, it shouldn't require an epiphany in order to blog. So, I need to find a happy medium between Twitter and epiphanies.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Another Piece of the Mark Puzzle
I've been busy this week battling a sinus infection which has my ears so clogged that they feel like they are painfully on the verge of explosion. No amount of yawning helps - believe me, I've tried. But I wanted to post a small little piece of information that made me happy.
Mark's wife called this evening in preparation for their Celebration of Life BBQ taking place on Sunday. Last night I made a big poster talking up our upcoming walk and also had an idea of making another poster titled "Send Your Positive Vibes to Mark!" which included some neat scrapbooking stickers and will allow people at the party to write notes to Mark. The idea came to me since there are going to be around 70 people at this party and Mark never seems to realize just how much people like him and what a difference he makes in others' lives.
Anyways, in the course of conversation, she said that they had been going to counseling because all sorts of emotions that he wasn't able to deal with the past year have all been surfacing probably because he feels better physically. She said this counseling has been a godsend because he has a very difficult time talking about it though he told her that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. It was like a warm balm on my soul to hear that because I so feel the same way. Last time he and I had a good long talk on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we really delved into things going on in his head, heart and soul. Our conversation was so below the normal surface of conversation that all I can say is that it fed our inner souls.
I struggle with how this sounds, kind of corny, and wonder how this fits into our lives with our spouses but you know it somehow does without interfering or minimizing those relationships. It's hard to explain but it works. For me, V. truly is my other half - my best friend, lover and partner in life - we not only love each, we like each other and 99% of the time believe that we are looking out for each other and always view ourselves as a team against whatever may come. Mark isn't my lover or my partner - that's his relationship with Jodi - but he is my best friend too and we were there to support, love, care, and look out for each other long before V. and Jodi were in the picture. Because we were lonely at times and struggling most of the time with what life was throwing at us 20 somethin's, we drew as close to one another as most couples do without the romantic part for which I am so thankful because it allows us to still be this close without interfering with our marriages. It's as though we were each other's "dry run" for our spouses.
It's still very bizarre sounding and I've probably overanalyzed it to death but I have to admit two things: one, this relationsip fascinates me because of its uniqueness and two, I am so grateful to be part of it.
Mark's wife called this evening in preparation for their Celebration of Life BBQ taking place on Sunday. Last night I made a big poster talking up our upcoming walk and also had an idea of making another poster titled "Send Your Positive Vibes to Mark!" which included some neat scrapbooking stickers and will allow people at the party to write notes to Mark. The idea came to me since there are going to be around 70 people at this party and Mark never seems to realize just how much people like him and what a difference he makes in others' lives.
Anyways, in the course of conversation, she said that they had been going to counseling because all sorts of emotions that he wasn't able to deal with the past year have all been surfacing probably because he feels better physically. She said this counseling has been a godsend because he has a very difficult time talking about it though he told her that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. It was like a warm balm on my soul to hear that because I so feel the same way. Last time he and I had a good long talk on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we really delved into things going on in his head, heart and soul. Our conversation was so below the normal surface of conversation that all I can say is that it fed our inner souls.
I struggle with how this sounds, kind of corny, and wonder how this fits into our lives with our spouses but you know it somehow does without interfering or minimizing those relationships. It's hard to explain but it works. For me, V. truly is my other half - my best friend, lover and partner in life - we not only love each, we like each other and 99% of the time believe that we are looking out for each other and always view ourselves as a team against whatever may come. Mark isn't my lover or my partner - that's his relationship with Jodi - but he is my best friend too and we were there to support, love, care, and look out for each other long before V. and Jodi were in the picture. Because we were lonely at times and struggling most of the time with what life was throwing at us 20 somethin's, we drew as close to one another as most couples do without the romantic part for which I am so thankful because it allows us to still be this close without interfering with our marriages. It's as though we were each other's "dry run" for our spouses.
It's still very bizarre sounding and I've probably overanalyzed it to death but I have to admit two things: one, this relationsip fascinates me because of its uniqueness and two, I am so grateful to be part of it.
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Christmas Night Of Sorts
Santa came to our house today in the form of V. I surprised I. with the news that we were picking up Daddy at the airport this morning and I. ran circles around the living room, she was that excited. We got all dressed up and made sure we had our balloon for Daddy.
We were so excited and a little overwhelmed when Daddy appeared but by the time we made it to baggage claim, we were feeling more normal.
A valuable life lesson - everything will be okay as long as you can hold your Daddy's hand...
Finishing up our first day together....
Right now, our house is happy, healthy, content, and complete. What more could I possibly ask for? My answer - absolutely nothing!
We were so excited and a little overwhelmed when Daddy appeared but by the time we made it to baggage claim, we were feeling more normal.
A valuable life lesson - everything will be okay as long as you can hold your Daddy's hand...
Finishing up our first day together....
Right now, our house is happy, healthy, content, and complete. What more could I possibly ask for? My answer - absolutely nothing!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Night Before
So tomorrow morning, I. and I will be going to the airport to pick V. up. We haven't seen him since the 5th so we're really excited. Or rather, I am since I didn't tell I. it was going to be tomorrow because I just KNOW that she'd be up at 4am ready to go. However, we did buy a balloon to take to the airport. Why you ask? Well, we got a book at the library that I. really identified with and enjoyed about a little boy waiting for his daddy to come back from work after a really long time. It was military but I made it work. So we've been talking about getting a balloon when V. is coming home that she can hold so that he can find her. It really is kind of heart wrenching but it's good too. So tomorrow morning is going to be like a Christmas morning of sorts and we'll enjoy it.
This morning we dropped off an early birthday present to Mark. He's in quarantine right now because the chemo has ruined his immune system and any exposure to sickness could land him in the hospital. In light of the fact that he is beginning to feel hunger again, we packed him up a box of fresh fruit and some soft veggies (everything still has to pass thru the tube to come out) and wrapped it up in some festive birthday wrapping paper. The rest of his cool gifts will have to wait until he's better and we're better too (we have been/still are sick over here). Looking forward to seeing his face light up with the other presents. More about that later...
This morning we dropped off an early birthday present to Mark. He's in quarantine right now because the chemo has ruined his immune system and any exposure to sickness could land him in the hospital. In light of the fact that he is beginning to feel hunger again, we packed him up a box of fresh fruit and some soft veggies (everything still has to pass thru the tube to come out) and wrapped it up in some festive birthday wrapping paper. The rest of his cool gifts will have to wait until he's better and we're better too (we have been/still are sick over here). Looking forward to seeing his face light up with the other presents. More about that later...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The Lint in My Belly Button
I haven't posted for awhile because I've been trying to crawl out of a hole, at least that's what it's felt like. A hole formed by sadness and negative thoughts along with a big dose of a delay in V. coming back from Saudi Arabia. A perfect trifecta of sorts if you will.
I have been pondering why it is that I am having such a hard time with V. being gone when I used to live happily by myself all the time. Over this week, I've come up with a couple of reasons. First, before V. I didn't have that intimate connection to someone so I didn't miss it. In fact, if I did date someone it was usually for a very short time because I didn't want to be around them, I looked forward to being by myself. Well, since V. I enjoy his company and I miss not having him here to share my weird humorous comments that only he would understand and enjoy. Basically, if you don't have it, you don't miss it. Secondly, back in my single days, if I was feeling lonely especially at night, I would take myself somewhere - a movie, a restaurant armed with a good book, or drive along the beach listening to music. Now, with I., I can't do that when I'm sad and lonely at night - my day out ends at 3:15 so I have to keep myself distracted successfully or not so successfully and plod along through the rough patches. Here's the funny thing though, I don't want the company, I just want V.
Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about, along with the lint in my belly button, which is how this post is beginning to sound. I finally was able to sync up my schedule with a mom's group I belong to and make it to 2 events last week. The second event went pretty well as there were some moms there that I feel relatively comfortable with and therefore, could have some conversation with. But the first one, oh my goodness. For most of the time, I felt like I was at a wedding where I didn't really know anyone and the more awkward I felt, the less I talked and interacted. It seemed as though there were expectations of me to talk and interact and the more I tried, the blanker my mind went and I really just wanted to go home and be by myself. It's a vicious circle...
My tenative conclusion after all this pondering is that I need to just accept the fact that yes I am struggling right now, let myself be and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done especially when I feel like apologizing for being such a lousy conversationalist and vow to be better. But you know what, I don't need to apologize to anyone. I'm doing the best I can surrounded by some really sad, out of my control circumstances and the only thing I need to concentrate on each day is I., making sure that she feels loved and secure despite her own sadness over V. being gone. At the end of the day, that should be the measure of the day's success and if I've accomplished that, well then I've done my job well. I'll think I'll leave my loftier goals for another day when the deck doesn't seem so stacked against me and for now, just narrow my focus and keep my head above water.
I have been pondering why it is that I am having such a hard time with V. being gone when I used to live happily by myself all the time. Over this week, I've come up with a couple of reasons. First, before V. I didn't have that intimate connection to someone so I didn't miss it. In fact, if I did date someone it was usually for a very short time because I didn't want to be around them, I looked forward to being by myself. Well, since V. I enjoy his company and I miss not having him here to share my weird humorous comments that only he would understand and enjoy. Basically, if you don't have it, you don't miss it. Secondly, back in my single days, if I was feeling lonely especially at night, I would take myself somewhere - a movie, a restaurant armed with a good book, or drive along the beach listening to music. Now, with I., I can't do that when I'm sad and lonely at night - my day out ends at 3:15 so I have to keep myself distracted successfully or not so successfully and plod along through the rough patches. Here's the funny thing though, I don't want the company, I just want V.
Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about, along with the lint in my belly button, which is how this post is beginning to sound. I finally was able to sync up my schedule with a mom's group I belong to and make it to 2 events last week. The second event went pretty well as there were some moms there that I feel relatively comfortable with and therefore, could have some conversation with. But the first one, oh my goodness. For most of the time, I felt like I was at a wedding where I didn't really know anyone and the more awkward I felt, the less I talked and interacted. It seemed as though there were expectations of me to talk and interact and the more I tried, the blanker my mind went and I really just wanted to go home and be by myself. It's a vicious circle...
My tenative conclusion after all this pondering is that I need to just accept the fact that yes I am struggling right now, let myself be and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done especially when I feel like apologizing for being such a lousy conversationalist and vow to be better. But you know what, I don't need to apologize to anyone. I'm doing the best I can surrounded by some really sad, out of my control circumstances and the only thing I need to concentrate on each day is I., making sure that she feels loved and secure despite her own sadness over V. being gone. At the end of the day, that should be the measure of the day's success and if I've accomplished that, well then I've done my job well. I'll think I'll leave my loftier goals for another day when the deck doesn't seem so stacked against me and for now, just narrow my focus and keep my head above water.
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