Deep Breaths

Today is the day before V. goes away for the longest period of time we've been apart. It's hard not to think of today that way, it just kept popping in my brain that way. This is the last night he'll give I. a bath, the last time he kisses her goodnight for bed, the last night we'll be watching football together, the last day we'll be together joking and teasing about all of our inside jokes (because unfortunately due to the time difference, the stress, and sadness of being apart, it's hard to capture that teasing over the phone).

I don't even know when he will be back because he doesn't even know but he is warning me that it will probably be the end of January, as in 2 months from now. Yeah, I know, military wives have it rougher but unless they're husbands signed up AFTER they got married, they knew what they were getting into. We didn't and I actively made a point of avoiding military, police, and firefighter because I wanted to have a normal life without long absences. So keeping that in mind, this last year has been quite ironic.

Getting tired now so will sign off. I'm sure I'll be back in the next couple of days with an update of sorts.

A Day of Ups and Downs (#2)

I've already had another post with the same title but there just wasn't any other fitting title for today.

Here were the ups: the girls stayed another day, I wasn't on duty all night since I. was with my parents, I got to sleep until 9am (absolute bliss), we went mini-golfing,



We had a nice early dinner together, and they made a Christmas card for V. that I can put in his suitcase (I asked them to do this).

Here were the downs: V. was too tired to mini-golf with us and just moved from bench to bench, V. went to bed at 4pm until I rousted him at 7 but went back to bed at 7:30, the girls hibernated in their room from 4pm on, I started my period this afternoon, and V. never talks to the girls and it pisses me off and saddens me. I talk to them, ask questions, laugh with them and he just sits there in front of the computer or at the table and just says nothing unless he's had a margarita and has loosened up. I just don't get it - he was such an engaging, involved dad when they were 8 but the last 6 years or so, he just disengaged and it bugs me. I've talked to him about it but there's no change. He didn't even tell the girls that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas (they found out from me when I asked them to make a card for him) - that's just fucked up.

There were ups today but right now, I'm just tearing up because even though it's a full house tonight, I'm sitting here alone. I think all the girls had a good time mini-golfing, I was having to push down my frustration and disappointment that V. was COMPLETELY disengaged from us. I know he has horrible jet lag but it just hurt that he was separate from us. I have an early date night scheduled for tomorrow night and really, I don't hold much hope for it. Maybe if I keep my expectations down to nothing, I'll be pleasantly surprised. We'll see...

Trying to Live in the Moment

The title of the post contains a very hard concept for me right now. Thanksgiving went better than expected until after dinner. My mom woke up with a migraine, due to all the stress, so I knew I was going to have to really help organize everything or we wouldn't have a chance in hell at having the rest of the dinner ready when the turkey was done.

Due to the migraine meds she was on, trying to keep my mom on task was almost impossible so I got an assembly line of my brother and sister to take care of the potatoes while I took care of all the other side dishes. This allowed my mom to just take care of the easy things like getting the serving dishes and utensils and other peripheral stuff which was perfect. The dinner went off very smoothly and everyone agreed that it was the most efficient, organized, and relaxed (most importantly) Thanksgiving preparation ever. My sister didn't have a problem with the wine, in fact she had a glass which I wasn't particularly comfortable with but since my parents had put a wine glass in front of her setting, what was I going to do?

After dinner, I put I. to bed and that's when things got pretty irritating 'cause my sister was acting all weird, saying bizarre things, and doing this weird "staring thing" that she does at my brother's new girlfriend and the girls too. So people started laughing and she just kept laughing inappropriately loud and talking super loud which I was afraid would interfere with I. falling asleep (over an hour later than normal as is). So I had to keep telling her to shut up but she kept doing it until dessert. V. was falling asleep by this point so we left right after dessert. Apart from that last 30 minutes, Thanksgiving was a success but boy am I tired!

Driving home, my mind inevitably drifted to Mark. It also drifted to the fact that V. will be leaving on Monday morning at 7am-ish and be gone for the longest time we've ever been apart and at a difficult time of year. I started getting sad but am trying to not go there now but it's really hard. Sometimes it's better to deal with things in little bits before they happen so that you don't hold it together to just fall apart completely when the event actually happens. I don't know which is healthier - guess I should have figured this out before this weekend!

Silent Night, All is Calm, All is Bright

It feels like Christmas having V. and the girls here all at one time. This used to be a every weekend experience but it has been since October since we've all been together. It feels really nice. We had a family dinner at home and will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my parents' tomorrow. I'm hoping that tomorrow won't be as stressful as I think it may be - my dad is stressed with work and his high-maintenance-ness is stressing my mom out PLUS we have the wild card, my sister. God knows what she will say or do. She thinks if anyone drinks on a holiday, they are alcoholics. Okay, yeah whatever. So I'm officially in charge of the holiday wine, I'm bringing 3 bottles and I'm going to enjoy it! If that makes me an addict, then I'll have an extra glass for her too!

We'll see how tomorrow goes but regardless, it'll be good to have V. and the girls here regardless. Because after Monday, I. and I are on our own until some January date TBD. December is going to suck but I'll deal with that after V. leaves. Until then, I'll be happy with what is here. Date night scheduled this Saturday.

A Really Nice Day

Tonight I'm tired but because of a good day for a change. I went to the Zoo with my friend Kathy and I. and we had a really nice time. We were able to have adult conversation in between looking at the animals and paying attention to I. It was so nice to have some adult fun, enjoy the fall weather, and watch I. having fun. Even the adult fun turned silly as predicted:


It was comforting to me to be with someone who I have shared history with over the last 9+ years. While I was taking a shower tonight and reflecting on the day, it also struck me that this is a friend who WOULD be there supporting me if I got cancer like I was for Mark. That's been one of the things that I've been struggling with/saddened by. I have very few really close friends and I'm still not confident that V. would be all that supportive so it's a fear I have that if something happened to me, I would be very much alone. But, today I realized, Kathy would be there for me and that helps.

Today WILL Be a Better Day

I woke up this morning and thought to myself,"Today will be a better day!". It has nothing to do with determination or positive thinking though. It has to do with the fact that my ex-therapist, now good friend, facebooked me earlier this week to see if we could go for a walk today. I. doesn't have school today so I thought we could go to the zoo so I. would have plenty to look at while my friend and I talk. Even though we are just friends now as opposed to therapist-patient, she still has all those great listening qualities and has retained the ability to translate what I am saying into something that actually makes sense (carried over from our past sessions). Best of all, she has a wickedly sick sense of humor that calls out to my own sick humor. One of her infamous therapist comments to me was "You're a man trapped in a woman's body!" due to my unique way of looking at things. Whenever we are together, there is usually a lot of laughter involved.

And boy, could I use A LOT of that right now.

I'm So F*ing Done

Two phone calls I could have done without tonight. First my mom calls because I haven't called her in a week and a half so I answer the phone 'cause I know she's wondering why. The conversation was okay except for two things. First, she comments on how in the last month, several women have tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Her next comment was that it was odd because "you know, most women try to kill themselves the easy way by taking pills". Hmmm, either she's callous or has written an alternative rendition of my history 'cause that's just not something she should said to me. YOU get to that point emotionally and then swallow 300 pills and THEN tell me how easy it is, okay? I'll wait for you to get back to me on that.

Then I said something about how I've been trying to process my loss of Mark and that how I was trying to stop (I hesitated here trying to find the right word) and she decided to fill in the blank with "moping". Uh, no I haven't been moping. I've been grieving and that's what healthy normal people do when someone they love dies. You don't just go with the "you have to have a positive attitude and watch funny movies in order to feel better and move on". It's not healthy and I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING MOPING. Give me a break.

The second phone call was from V. who informed me that IF he makes it home on Wednesday night, he'll have to fly back Monday, 5 days later. I was thinking he'd be home for his usual 10 days, meaning that we would be able to actually use the early Christmas tickets to the Seinfeld comedy show at the Civic Theater. But nope, that would be something fun so that's not allowed. So I said, "Oh great. I thought we were going to be able to go out and have fun that one night and now I'll just be sitting there by myself I guess." His response: 2 loud drawn out breaths out. So I said,"You know what, we should just get off the phone now because I am so done." And that's what we did. I'm ready for a new day.