V. was out of town last week, Wednesday through Sunday. Our family time consisted of a few hours yesterday from 2-5pm. and I got the wife bonus of 4 more hours until 10pm. Even with a trip to Legoland on Saturday with my parents, we were left feeling ripped off.
On the heels of this, V. told me yesterday that he will have to leave tomorrow and may not be home until May 21st. He may be home earlier but considering this company, the project, and my own past experience with both, I doubt it. Needless to say, I'm down. I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting down since he is home this evening. But it's hard.
What makes it especially hard is the emotional toll it takes on I. I guess I was naive or dumb to think that V. being away would negatively affect her when she was younger. I thought she'd be busy in school and making friends so V. being gone wouldn't be as noticeable as when she was home full-time with me. I was wrong. After about 5 days, she becomes fragile and it's not something I can fix, fill, or cure. It usually surfaces in tears at the end of the day when I may be getting short with her because instead of getting undressed for bath, she's bouncing off the bedroom walls. Now with D. to juggle around, I can't waste time at this time of day because he's tired too and the longer it takes, the more fussy he's going to be when I'm trying to read her books at bedtime. So I may snap at I. to get her back on track and that's when the "I wish Daddy was here." and the tears start. Of course, then I feel like a real heel, albeit a tired heel.
This will also be the first long haul trip since having D. Although he is truly a joy, nonetheless he is a responsibility and something additional for me to juggle. To survive, I'm really going to have to plan ahead. I won't be getting to the gym on the weekends since D. still won't make it past 15 minutes without me (separation anxiety phase) so this means I need to make sure I schedule some brisk walks with him and pencil in some workout time at home while he takes a morning nap. In the afternoon when I'm feeding the kids dinner, I need to make sure I eat a string cheese or something to avoid being starving and shaky when I'm getting them to bed. Lastly, I"ll need to plan ahead for the weekends so that they feel like a weekend for all of us. Normally, Daddy being home is what defines the weekends, much like having my parents visit us in the afternoon define Thursdays.
While I am thankful that V. is my husband, father of my children, and most importantly my favorite person to hang out with, it makes it especially tough when he's gone. If I didn't enjoy him so dang much, it wouldn't be as hard. Complaining aside, I can't imagine being away from my kids for 3 weeks and I remain thankful and blessed that it's not me who has to do this. If it was me who was having to leave, I'd be sobbing for days on end. With that in mind, I'll keep my sniveling down to a minimum and count my blessings.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Idyllic Morning
D. took a shorter nap this morning so I took advantage of it and instead of taking a walk down at the lake near our house, we headed down to Harbor Island for a walk. What a beautiful day! A nice breeze, warm sun, and the sea air and best of all, time with my son. After our walk, I spread a blanket on the grass, sat D. on it and fed him his lunch of mashed bananas and egg yolk. He can sit up so well these days. He's growing up so quickly and while I celebrate all of his accomplishments and cheer him on, I'm sad. Motherhood is such a contradictory process - while I'm thrilled to see D.'s accomplishments (clapping, sitting up, understanding words, etc.), another part of me grieves because these firsts signify his growing up, that he is moving quickly away from babyhood. Don't get me wrong, I'm still full of joy and thankfulness that I got to go through this another time. It's just that it seems as though it is passing by even faster than it did with I.
If nothing else, it's spurred me on to doing things with D., making memories and not waiting. Mornings in the bathtub with him while he's little, parking at the end of the runway and watching the planes land, just experiencing as much as possible because now I know, these early years will fly by. Some days may seem long but the years pass quickly.
I. and I had a good afternoon today after a full week. After school, lunch, and getting D. down for a nap, I did 25 minutes of rest (not sleep, just eyes closed) on the couch while I. played Tiny Zoo and then we went out on the patio and colored for awhile. Once D. got up, we went to get gas and get our car washed while I. happily munched on the free popcorn and D. happily nestled in my arms. At one point, I was hugging I. with one arm as I stood holding D. with my other arm and I thought, "Wow, I've got 2 little kids now!" Who would have thunk it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A Great Moment
D. enjoys his bathtime so much. He's always enjoyed his bathtime but early on he didn't enjoy water on his head but he got over that and from that point on, it's been a source of excitement of him. Then he started slumping down in the tub, wait here's a picture of it:
One minute he's leaning back and the next he's slumped down and oh so proud of himself as you can see from the pic. He seems to really enjoy doing this when V. is giving him his bath. Now he's moved on to crazy splashing boy where all the water is displaced from his tub to the counter, carpet, and mirror via his arms and legs flailing at the same time. He takes such joy in this, it's hard to begrudge him.
For the past week, I've been thinking that it would be fun to get in the bathtub with him. This morning was the first morning we didn't have something to do and someplace to go so into the bathtub we went. And it was wonderful. He was trying to figure out where we were and how it was that I was in the bath with him but judging by his grin, he was very happy about it. I took a couple toys from I.'s bathtub and we had such a good time. He was splashing around, saying "Ba ba ba". We will be definitely doing this again.
As a first time mother, I never thought of doing this with I. When she was older, I thought of it when we were on vacation and it was a big treat. I think when it gets warmer in the summer, the two kids and I will be climbing in a bathtub and having us a fun but not so relaxing bath.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Over So Fast
The title is a double entendre. Today was I.'s last day of Easter vacation and D.'s 8 month birthday. It's been such a great week and I. and I (and D.) have had such a great time. Yesterday morning we had a good time coloring Easter eggs. It's always fun to do things with I. but what is so great and memorable are the little conversations we have while doing them. These moments lead to lots of hugs and "you're so fun Mommy" comments which I love. Did I mention I love when I. says I"m so fun since I am also the heavy around the house? After the Easter eggs, we met at a park for a playdate for I. and hung out there for a couple of hours while she played and had a good time.
Today was a play it by ear day and we ended up going for a walk on a trail in a canyon complete with a flowing creek and a 1800's settler's grave. I mean come on, does it get any better than this? Before our walk while D. was sleeping, I. and I spent time together and when I told her we were going on a nature walk, she thought I meant around our complex so she wasn't that impressed. However, when she saw we were going someplace new and we were really exploring some cool things, she had the best time. Again, the day ended with her telling me how fun I was. Why am I getting suspicious that she seems surprised?!
Although we had such a good time today, I was aware that this would be our last vacation day together and it made me sad. It was such a great week and full of wonderful, bonding times (that part didn't make me sad) but it just went so fast and next week will be back to school, schedules, and tiredness. On top of it, the fact that D. is 8 months old today is mind boggling. I cannot believe that we are quickly approaching his year birthday. It's just going so fast and I feel like I'm still figuring out weekly new ways to enjoy things with him and soon he's going to be walking and running away from me. During the day, I live in the moment and enjoy it all with him but when I go to bed, I realize just how fast it's all going and I get sad.
So I guess the bottom line of this post is that no matter how much fun I have with my kids during the day, at night I"m sad.
I'm such a freak.
Today was a play it by ear day and we ended up going for a walk on a trail in a canyon complete with a flowing creek and a 1800's settler's grave. I mean come on, does it get any better than this? Before our walk while D. was sleeping, I. and I spent time together and when I told her we were going on a nature walk, she thought I meant around our complex so she wasn't that impressed. However, when she saw we were going someplace new and we were really exploring some cool things, she had the best time. Again, the day ended with her telling me how fun I was. Why am I getting suspicious that she seems surprised?!
Although we had such a good time today, I was aware that this would be our last vacation day together and it made me sad. It was such a great week and full of wonderful, bonding times (that part didn't make me sad) but it just went so fast and next week will be back to school, schedules, and tiredness.
So I guess the bottom line of this post is that no matter how much fun I have with my kids during the day, at night I"m sad.
I'm such a freak.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Butterflies
We went to the Wild Animal Park (I refuse to call it whatever new politically correct name they have changed it to) to see the Butterfly Jungle with my parents. It was amazing to remember last year when we went because it seems like it was just last month and I had D. growing in my belly.
We enjoyed the day together and ended it with a carousel ride for I. When I was buying the ticket for I., I realized that D. would probably really enjoy it so I took him on it too. He loved going up and down, holding on to the pole and trying to grab the ear of the animal he was riding on. He kept looking at me with a grin on his face of pure joy. I was so thankful that I was there to see his smiling face.
I. and I enjoyed time this morning together making Easter cookies before our excursion. Again, I was struck by her easygoing-ness and verbal appreciation. It just seems like she's a different kid; it's kind of confusing to me and it's going to make next week when she goes back to school hard. Tomorrow morning we're going to decorate our Easter eggs while D. is napping before we go to a play date with other kids down at Mission Bay. This week is going by so quickly, it makes me sad. It makes me think of how in five short months I. will be in school from 8:15-3:15, five days a week. For all of the energy I. takes out of me during the afternoon weekdays, it makes me tear up to realize it's coming to an end. Seriously, I am feeling like I am approaching the weaning process again - that rip/tear, a new level of maturity taking her farther apart from me and it hurts, badly. My brain recognizes that this is how it has to be and should be but it doesn't make it any easier on my heart. I foresee tears in the near future.
We enjoyed the day together and ended it with a carousel ride for I. When I was buying the ticket for I., I realized that D. would probably really enjoy it so I took him on it too. He loved going up and down, holding on to the pole and trying to grab the ear of the animal he was riding on. He kept looking at me with a grin on his face of pure joy. I was so thankful that I was there to see his smiling face.
I. and I enjoyed time this morning together making Easter cookies before our excursion. Again, I was struck by her easygoing-ness and verbal appreciation. It just seems like she's a different kid; it's kind of confusing to me and it's going to make next week when she goes back to school hard. Tomorrow morning we're going to decorate our Easter eggs while D. is napping before we go to a play date with other kids down at Mission Bay. This week is going by so quickly, it makes me sad. It makes me think of how in five short months I. will be in school from 8:15-3:15, five days a week. For all of the energy I. takes out of me during the afternoon weekdays, it makes me tear up to realize it's coming to an end. Seriously, I am feeling like I am approaching the weaning process again - that rip/tear, a new level of maturity taking her farther apart from me and it hurts, badly. My brain recognizes that this is how it has to be and should be but it doesn't make it any easier on my heart. I foresee tears in the near future.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Easter Vacation
It's been busy busy busy the last few weeks. We celebrated my birthday last week with a dinner out with V. after an afternoon massage that felt oh so good since my neck and back have been killing me the past few weeks. It wasn't a weekend in Laguna Beach but it was still a good birthday. I'm hoping for plenty of future birthday weekends in Laguna but this year, I have to admit I was okay with foregoing it since the reason why was my nursing baby boy. Tradeoffs aren't always bad.
This week is I.'s Easter vacation week and I have to say after last week, I was kind of holding my breath. Last week was a buildup to Friday which included her class Easter party, birthday cupcake, and Mommy being at the party. It resulted in a sobbing fit in the middle of the party thanks to low blood sugar, excitement, tiredness, excess stimulation and a soft place in sight (me). The amazing thing is that I predicted it about 15 minutes beforehand to another mother and like she said to me, "You know your kid." Yes, I do but it doesn't mean the problem can be averted because the factors are out of my control, both externally in her environment and internally within her. But we got through it in the bathroom, me with D. hanging on me in the sling and her burying her face in my leg, but she was able to make it through and enjoy the 2nd half of her party. It makes me shudder to think of I. and puberty.
On vacation days she's a different kid. Even different than on weekends when having V. home throws a different dynamic and emotion into it. On vacations I. is cheerful, carefree, positive, relaxed, flexible. She is not defiant, negative, argumentative. She shows affection freely and often. I swear she is her father keeping her emotions locked up tight when she is focused on school but because she is only 6, the control slips by the time she gets home and I wind up with a handful of grump.
The first two days of vacation have been great - we've been baking, playing, and getting work done cheerfully around the house. She is a different child, an easier child and not surprisingly I am not out of patience by the end of the day nor am I completely and totally exhausted by the time the kids are in bed. I'm even able to write a post about it. I am enjoying our week together, the slower pace, and her company and it makes me look forward to summer right around the corner.
This week is I.'s Easter vacation week and I have to say after last week, I was kind of holding my breath. Last week was a buildup to Friday which included her class Easter party, birthday cupcake, and Mommy being at the party. It resulted in a sobbing fit in the middle of the party thanks to low blood sugar, excitement, tiredness, excess stimulation and a soft place in sight (me). The amazing thing is that I predicted it about 15 minutes beforehand to another mother and like she said to me, "You know your kid." Yes, I do but it doesn't mean the problem can be averted because the factors are out of my control, both externally in her environment and internally within her. But we got through it in the bathroom, me with D. hanging on me in the sling and her burying her face in my leg, but she was able to make it through and enjoy the 2nd half of her party. It makes me shudder to think of I. and puberty.
On vacation days she's a different kid. Even different than on weekends when having V. home throws a different dynamic and emotion into it. On vacations I. is cheerful, carefree, positive, relaxed, flexible. She is not defiant, negative, argumentative. She shows affection freely and often. I swear she is her father keeping her emotions locked up tight when she is focused on school but because she is only 6, the control slips by the time she gets home and I wind up with a handful of grump.
The first two days of vacation have been great - we've been baking, playing, and getting work done cheerfully around the house. She is a different child, an easier child and not surprisingly I am not out of patience by the end of the day nor am I completely and totally exhausted by the time the kids are in bed. I'm even able to write a post about it. I am enjoying our week together, the slower pace, and her company and it makes me look forward to summer right around the corner.
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