The First Day

I obviously did not mentally think ahead to what would await me this morning, the first day without V., because if I had I would have never opened the door and removed the bedroom barricade.

A barricade, you say? Yes, that's right because I have 2 cats who love nothing more than to sleep ALL DAY just so that they can throw their 9 lb. and 12 lb., respectively, bodies up and against the bedroom door and knob to vocalize their angst of not being fed in the middle of the night. Thus, the barricade which comes in a variety of styles. Most often it's a full laundry basket (thanks to V.) placed strategically in front of the door so they cannot reach said door and knob. If I happen to be caught up on laundry (yes, miracles have been known to occur), V.'s unpacked garment bag from his last trip a month ago, is heavy enough to serve the purpose. It really doesn't matter what it is, as long as it keeps them from reaching my bedroom door.

But I digress...so this morning I was awakened by I. screaming and crying at the top of her lungs which is always a pleasant way to be woken up. I jump out of bed, fearing the worst, throw open my door, hurdle the barricade, dodge the yowling hungry cats to get to her room. Why is she sobbing? Because the cat socks that my mom got her are coming unsewn. Yes, that's right. And that means I'm going to be doing some sewing very soon, trying to get those friggin' paws sewed back on tight. Note to self: tell mother NOT to buy fancy friggin' animal socks. I soothe I. promising miracles I have no hope of achieving, change her and then we go back to my room to make my bed since I didn't have a chance yet, put my PJs on since I'm in my underwears and so that I can pee. Yes, even mommies have to pee in the morning.

Now I'm on the pot peeing. I. decides this is a perfect time to bring 2 foot high Peter Cottontail into the toilet closet. At a decibel level just below ear splitting, he starts singing "Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail" complete with him hopping. This inspires I. so now she's hopping with him. All this in a 2 X 3 foot space, me just trying to pee hoping this is all a bad dream. Mind you, the cats are right there fighting with each other because they're hungry and pissed off. I drop my head in my hands to try and shut it out when I. hits me upside the head with a plastic microphone. At that point, everyone including Peter Cottontail is ejected from the toilet closet and the door is firmly locked. This of course results in the door being kicked by I. for awhile until she decides that it would be much more fun to torment the cats with Peter Cottontail. Sorry cats, everyone in this house has to take one for the team some time.

Make it down the first flight of stairs to find not one but two furballs barfed up and waiting for me. Wow, I'm so excited. I. insists that she gets her milk before the cats get fed which leads to major fur-flying in the interim. I make sure to turn my coffee on immediately because it's looking like I'm REALLY going to need it. Now, time to feed the cats. Walk down to the next level where a fresh, steaming pile awaits me at the bottom of the stairs. It can't get much better at this point. Successfully feed the cats, scoop the boxes, and pick up said steaming pile and make it upstairs to my coffee.

I take the first sip of my coffee while I. watches a Winnie the Pooh DVD and think to myself, "It's not even 7:15 yet and I want to go back to bed and hide." It's then that I realize that I need to start now preparing myself mentally and emotionally for tomorrow morning or it's going to be another rough one.

Pros and Cons

So V. left this morning for Riyadh (many weeks before expected) so I'm struggling to keep perspective. Here's the pros of V. not being here: a lot less laundry, I can watch my TIVO'd shows without heckling, I don't have to make his coffee, no alarms going off during my prime-time sleeping (3-6am), covering my grays without worrying how this is affecting dinner prep, my elaborate dinners will cover more days, and no snorts/snoring or flipping/flopping.

Here's the cons: I'm back on bathtime duty, I have to make my own coffee, there's no one to fix dinner for or eat dinner with, no one to laugh or conversate with from 5:30-10:30, no one who gets my foul, sick comments and actually laughs at them, I have to feed all the animals and scoop all their stinky crap in the morning before getting Isabella up, and I have to suffer through potty training of a belligerent, opionated girl on my own. Really, did I sign up for this????!!!!

On the positive side though, V. and I are as strong as ever - a divison of labor (him on the work front, me on the home front), a team bonded by history, pain, humor, need, like, and love. We've been in the trenches with each other and have learned the importance of bonding together to fight against all that threatens to pull us apart. Whether that enemy is work, life, friends, stress, sickness, children - we are determined to put our relationship first because without that foundation, all family life will fall. I'm not trying to be on my high horse at all, just reflecting after watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 how their dissolving marriage is irreversibly affecting them and their kids. I've seen how it's affected V.'s kids and I'm so thankful that I never felt stable enough to bring kids into the world during my first marriage. I may have been extremely young but I thank God that I had the sense to follow my gut feeling that things were just not right for a child to be brought about. I am really thankful for that.

So I need to keep perspective for another month until V. is back and driving me crazy with all his laundry and takes control of the remote control. I'm sure I'll have something to post before then though. Until then...

First Time Ever

Today, I. ended the day in the same underpants that she started the day with - FIRST TIME EVER. If you're not a parent, especially the one primarily supervising potty training, the excitement of this may go over your head. However, considering that yesterday was a horrible potty training day, this is especially exciting. I. was just peeing all over the place even soaking her car seat on the way home and this right after I asked her if she needed to go and she said no. I know they say not to turn the training into a power struggle but in this case, I'm finding it works better to just say, "We're going to the bathroom now." and pick her up and carry her to the potty even if she fights me. I'm quickly learning that while potty training books and other mother's advice are nice, every kid is different and you really just need to try everything to see what will work even if the books say it's the wrong thing to do.

I need to start trusting my own instinct more and not worry that it's the "wrong" thing to do unless I can see myself that it's not working.

Things are going better now, not great but I can see forward movement so that's good. Most importantly, I don't feel grumpy and angry with I. for this difficult time we are going through and we are enjoying ourselves and our time together. Will she go in potties outside of the house? No, but once or twice a day she is going in the big potty at home the last couple of days which gives me hope. Is she going to the potty on her own accord? No, definitely not. Usually I'm picking her up to take her to the potty while she's objecting but she does go to the bathroom once she gets there so I know I'm on the right track (every 20 minutes).

I am hopeful though because on Sunday when the grandparents were here for a few hours, I. went to the bathroom willingly and wiped herself without a fight. Maybe when we go for the school visit in August, it will spur her on and then with a little peer pressure, we'll be all the way there.

One of Those Days

It seemed like today the planets and stars lined up to deliver a punishing day. Start to finish, it was an uphill, backwards, one leg tied behind my back in an ass kicking contest kind of day. To begin with we are in the second week of potty training and as soon as things start going more smoothly, an automatic toilet flush derails the train and leaves us overturned on the tracks. I. has decided that she will NOT use a toilet outside of the house. No ifs, ands, or buts. No matter if it's a regular toilet or not. Anything outside of the walls of the house has been declared suspect, off limits and you know who suffers the most from that declaration? Yes, that's right, me. Because now I'm going to have to lug a portable toilet on my back along with a 15 lb. diaper bag (full of extra pants and underwear, water, and as much food as I can pack for my always ravenous child), and a stroller in some cases. Then when we go grocery shopping or on errands, it's just going to be the Wild Wild West I guess. Like today at the grocery store, I take I. out of the cart and guess what? It's all wet and she really doesn't care which is probably the biggest source of my frustration. Why is it that I'm the only one who cares about this happening? I know, she's only 3.5 but it just doesn't help my frustration level. I guess I'll just be a pack mule until something gives.

In addition to this, I. decides she's going to run away from me in a parking lot this morning, and then goes into a full-scale whining/crying/demanding trifecta for the next hour to drive me to the edge. I finally get her down for resttime - she's happily playing for 25 minutes and then screaming my name for the next 35 minutes. In my book, that's not relaxing. That could just be me, I'm not sure. So, I get her up to go to the grocery store (not my favorite place) and she pees in the cart. Just when I think it'll be okay because I. is successfully in bed, dinner almost flops but somehow I pull it out at the last minute. After dinner I resume my duties of putting the rest of the groceries away in the pantry and start laundry when I step onto an errant smushy cat turd with my bare foot and then encounter a huge spider inside of the toliet paper roll bag. How does a spider get into a sealed plastic wrapper? I don't know, but it fits perfectly into the day so far so why question it?

In the background, we also have a nagging issue with a friend blowing me off when he probably needs help. What to do, what to do. An issue of my own reappearing after 10 years, leading to feelings of anger, betrayal, and avenging thoughts and a few frustrations with my own body for not working/looking the way I want it to. Yeah, some fun times for me right now.

V. says I should just go to bed before anything else happens. I understand that logic but I'm of the mindset that I can and will somehow pull this day out of the ditch before it's over so I can go to sleep on an upswing and hope for a better day. Plus I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. I shudder to think about facing these things without adequate sleep; now THAT would be scary!

Instead I'll blog to get it out of my head, have an adult beverage, and toast to a better day. That's the best I can do today.

Vacation Experience Part II

I can't believe that I'm writing this on the last evening of our vacation. It seems like the first few days of our vacation goes by nice and slowly and then speeds up as the week progresses. Once again, I'm out on the patio enjoying the nice warm air, the sounds of birds, reading and relaxing. I just finished feeding a duck that comes by each evening - he climbs on the patio, walks up to the door and stands there with his beak on the window waiting for me. Being an animal lover, I really like this. In the mornings, we have a whole gaggle (yes, I know that's for geese but maybe it applies to ducks too) that come on our patio, surrounding us as we feed them. I. and I have really enjoyed our mornings out on the patio, drinking her milk and feeding the ducks.

I've also enjoyed, for the most part, my PPP status (see previous post for definition) this week. I. is at an age and swimming level that she wants to swim on her own but with me in the pool. My job was to invent different games and scenarios for us to play out and it was a lot of fun. Yes, there were moments when I just really wanted to read a magazine in the sun but overall, it was good. I realize that these are perfect opportunities to make special memories, outside of our normal daily life, and I want her to remember how her and her momma played, laughed, kissed, and acted silly together in the pool every day for an entire week. These are precious moments that will never come around again.