So, I decided to give my blog a major overhaul in hopes that it would lead me to post more often. I created it to be a place to document the humorous, exhausting and frustrating sides of being a stay at home mother.
But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.
Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.
Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Day After
Today I felt better. Not good enough to talk about the weekend but good enough to not be dragging through the day. A couple of more days for that, I think. Looking forward to going to a Mom's Night In tomorrow night - I think that's just what I need!
One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.
That's it for now.
One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.
That's it for now.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Best Day of My Year
I just got back last night from visiting my friend who has pancreatic cancer in Seattle. He ended up going back in the hospital last Wednesday after they found a hole in his intestine (probably a result of the radiation) and a blood infection. So I went straight to the hospital Saturday night from the airport to see him.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Good and Bad Day
This was a day of contradictions I think. Woke up feeling down but before I got out of bed I made myself think of 3 great things about my life. I came up with being healthy, happily married, and having Isabella. That got me out of bed and I got to get ready for the day all by myself. We had swimming class this morning before a momma's playdate and the warm salt water felt really good to me. Also, I am cherishing these times with Isabella since I have had the teachers saying she is almost ready for the next stage of classes. So I enjoyed myself.
Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.
Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!
Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...
Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.
Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!
Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...
Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please
I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Hitting MY Head on a Brick Wall! (see previous post's title)
I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall. I swear it would make me feel better...
It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.
For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"
The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!
Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.
Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.
Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!
It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.
For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"
The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!
Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.
Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.
Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Hitting the Nail on the Head
It's been awhile (AGAIN) that I wrote a post but it seemed like after the fires, this whole house was in a funk. We seemed to be misstepping throughout the day and it was like running uphill backwards all day long. Exhausting! Then we had Isabella's birthday (which she enjoyed immensely) and survived my sister's drama on the same day. Maybe I'll give an abbreviated version of that day in a minute. But for now, I'll continue the timeline. We also changed the clocks that weekend which added another misstep and then Isabella spent 2 whole nights at my parents' house while I got 2 rooms painted and the carpet and tile cleaned. Which brings me to the title of the post. Here I had 2 days free of Isabella (though I had to stay home with workers "chasing" me around) but still...I was babyless. Yes, I enjoyed it immensely but I actually felt like I was floundering a bit without my normal routine. I read, watched morning tv, played some brain games on the computer, did some tutorials for new software, etc. and still I just felt a little off. It was so nice to not have to talk and just be silent but it just felt weird. I couldn't believe how much energy I still had by the end of the day! But, you know, it didn't seem like there was a point or accomplishment for the day and that's because Isabella wasn't here. I didn't feel like that before I had her so it was quite a surprise to me. I was reading a book while on the treadmill today and read this perfect quote in a not so perfect book but when I read it, I thought "Yep, that's right." So here's the quote:
"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)
So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:
Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.
That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!
"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)
So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:
Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.
That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!
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