Emotional Upheaval

D.'s last breastfeeding session was Thursday night at 10:30 and now it's Sunday night.  It's been rough for both he and I.  This is not weaning.  Weaning is a gradual process, one where hopefully both the child and the mother can gradually get used to stopping the nursing bond.  Going from 7 nursings a day to 0 nursings a day is not weaning.  Yes, I. did this exact same thing and it was horrible.  I was not prepared and it broke my heart but she moved on and never looked back which in some way made it a little easier to deal with.

D. is upset by it even though he is the one causing it.  Every morning he cries angrily for a long time when I come and get him.  He turns away from my breast but then screams at the top of his lungs, writhing, pinching, and clawing at me with this despondent sound that I've never heard from him but feel deep in my soul.  Because his cry out loud gives voice to exactly what my grieving soul feels.  He thrashes in my arms, fighting hard against me but I don't give up, I won't give up because I feel his pain, it's what I feel too.  And after I refuse to give up, holding him, protecting him from hurting himself, whispering to him, he finally relaxes against my chest but just continues sobbing quietly as I begin to sing to him.  It breaks my heart.  Beginning each day like this is beyond painful.  The rest of the day is better but he definitely wants to sit with me, be held by me more than usual and to be honest, that's fine with me because we could both use that right now.

I have begun new routines for nap times and bed time to help him adjust and they have seem to be working with him going down yesterday and today without fuss.  I've been offering nursing once at every usual time with him declining until tonight at bedtime.  Whenever I offer, he's been turning his head away and getting a little upset at my offering so tonight at bedtime I didn't offer and started going into our new routine.  He turned his head and looked at me like, "Where is it?" so I pulled up my shirt and offered it to him.  He leaned in and gave a couple of sucks and then let go and fussed so we moved back to our new reading routine.  Just in case, I will continue to pump until he gets over this cold but in my heart, I don't believe he's going to want to nurse again.

The additional hard part is that no one understands what I'm going through unless they've actually been through it.  Having a child subsist because of the milk your body naturally produces is amazing.  Then going from 7 nursings to 0 nursings is difficult.  Double pumping 5-6 times a day causes hormonal surges that make me feel tired and really emotional.  Just what I need at this point in time.  But I want to pump in case he does change his mind after he feels better.  Plus, I am mixing the milk with his food so he is still getting fluid and all its nutrients.  That's probably my biggest concern at this point - he refuses to drink any fluids via multiple types of cups, spoons etc. so any milk I can combine with foods is the only fluid he's getting and judging by his diapers, it's not enough.  The last thing we need is dehydration.

It's just a tough time around here and I"m hoping it gets better in some way soon.