High Anxiety

I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.

This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.

So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.