I have to admit that being a mother to 2 kids is a change, one that slowly I am getting used to and hopefully getting better at juggling each and every day. I have discovered a huge benefit to being a mother of two though - being able to enjoy and love the early days of a baby.
When I first had I., everything was new and confusing and though I loved being home with her, I know I was a little off kilter trying to figure out what this new baby was all about and how to handle being at home with her by myself all day long.
This time around, I have a better understanding of the foundational elements. The fact that D. is going to want to go to sleep about 1 hour and 45 minutes after he's woken up. The fact that he is going to want to eat every 2-3 hours. That kind of foundational stuff. It also helps greatly that I. was a difficult baby from day one. She liked to be entertained and constantly stimulated and had a hard time soothing herself down from being upset or to going to sleep. Funny how not much has changed with her in respect to any of these things.
So with the foundational elements out of the way and the knowledge that one, this is my last baby and two, these early days go by so quickly and you never ever get them back, I am greatly enjoying D.'s early days. Instead of the days feeling slightly stifling with their simplicity, they feel like a splurge, an indulgence of my motherly senses. I smell the top of his velvet head constantly throughout the day. I stroke the softness of his skin. I feel the loose skin on his thighs which someday will be filled with strong muscles that propel him away from me and into his own future life. I enjoy wrapping him tightly against me and carrying him around, just as though he was back in the womb. I just enjoy HIM and find myself mentally stopping to be in the moment and savoring it.
The early days...a blessing that is best appreciate the second time around.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
A Brief Bitchy Moment
Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Coming Up for Air
A lot of life changing events have happened since I last posted. I will do a post solely about delivering my son. MY SON. Wow, that is amazing just to type let alone to actually have gone through it. And boy, did I go through it. But that's a separate post when I have a sufficient amount of time to dedicate to it. Which is not right now.
Right now is just me coming up for air for just a moment. But enough of a moment that I want to document how I feel about this little guy and the early days of his life. His name is Dominic and he really is a beautiful little guy. Not only that, and my fingers are still crossed that this is really how he is and not just the early honeymoon period, he has the most amazing disposition and has had this disposition from the moment he came into this world. He is alert - his dark blue searching faces, lights, movements and quietly, contentedly, and watchfully taking everything in. When he turns his eyes to you, you feel him looking at you, studying you. He is happy to just chill out and look around. If he sees something that interests him, his arms and legs start kicking out and moving around, just like when he was in the womb. He doesn't cry much. Even if you're changing his diaper, he registers his discontent about the cold wipes and air but as long as you are quick about it, he squawks and yells once and then patiently waits. Of course all bets are off if he's hungry but even then, he isn't frantic, impatient, and quick to cry like I. was. He is just a sweet sweet baby. V. and I look at him and wonder how he came from us considering the force of nature that I. is. But it looks like maybe God answered our prayers for a healthy but easier child the second time around. In a way it makes me appreciate I. even more for her temperament and it definitely makes me appreciate D. even more for his uniqueness.
I am totally in love with D. - his smell, his little face and expressions, his fingers and feet. Everything about him, I just want to drink up, smell up, kiss up. Not to say that the first week wasn't tough because it was and there are still some challenges that make daily life hard. But things are better this week and I feel like some of the issues/challenges are getting fixed/solved so there is more hope than last week. Getting used to two is hard at times and my organization and time skills really have had to come into play. Yesterday was my first day on my own and we all survived. The day flew by with trying to juggle both kids and I.'s insistence on her routine makes things tricky. I realize though that next week is her last week before kindergarten which makes me sad in many ways but I know that once I get her to school in the morning, things will be simpler for a few hours until it's time for her to come home. Who am I kidding though? I am going to be extremely sad when I. goes to kindergarten. I don't like major changes and endings and this definitely falls under that category. I'll just enjoy the days I have with her until then and look forward to school vacations just like the rest of the mommas with school age kids.
Right now is just me coming up for air for just a moment. But enough of a moment that I want to document how I feel about this little guy and the early days of his life. His name is Dominic and he really is a beautiful little guy. Not only that, and my fingers are still crossed that this is really how he is and not just the early honeymoon period, he has the most amazing disposition and has had this disposition from the moment he came into this world. He is alert - his dark blue searching faces, lights, movements and quietly, contentedly, and watchfully taking everything in. When he turns his eyes to you, you feel him looking at you, studying you. He is happy to just chill out and look around. If he sees something that interests him, his arms and legs start kicking out and moving around, just like when he was in the womb. He doesn't cry much. Even if you're changing his diaper, he registers his discontent about the cold wipes and air but as long as you are quick about it, he squawks and yells once and then patiently waits. Of course all bets are off if he's hungry but even then, he isn't frantic, impatient, and quick to cry like I. was. He is just a sweet sweet baby. V. and I look at him and wonder how he came from us considering the force of nature that I. is. But it looks like maybe God answered our prayers for a healthy but easier child the second time around. In a way it makes me appreciate I. even more for her temperament and it definitely makes me appreciate D. even more for his uniqueness.
I am totally in love with D. - his smell, his little face and expressions, his fingers and feet. Everything about him, I just want to drink up, smell up, kiss up. Not to say that the first week wasn't tough because it was and there are still some challenges that make daily life hard. But things are better this week and I feel like some of the issues/challenges are getting fixed/solved so there is more hope than last week. Getting used to two is hard at times and my organization and time skills really have had to come into play. Yesterday was my first day on my own and we all survived. The day flew by with trying to juggle both kids and I.'s insistence on her routine makes things tricky. I realize though that next week is her last week before kindergarten which makes me sad in many ways but I know that once I get her to school in the morning, things will be simpler for a few hours until it's time for her to come home. Who am I kidding though? I am going to be extremely sad when I. goes to kindergarten. I don't like major changes and endings and this definitely falls under that category. I'll just enjoy the days I have with her until then and look forward to school vacations just like the rest of the mommas with school age kids.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Belly Developments
I'm beginning Day 2 of contractions. Yesterday's were 20 minutes apart and this morning they look more like 15 minutes or so. They aren't particularly painful so I still was able to get some sleep last night. Now that I've been through this before, I appreciate the need to get as much sleep and rest as possible early in the process.
My OB appt. is later on this morning and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable cervical exam. I would like him to be able to feel it and tell me if there is any change but not at the cost of my future sexual well-being. It would only be fair if I could kick him in the balls beforehand so that he experience the level of pain I am feeling while he's trying to get down and around the baby's head. Maybe then I'd call it even. In my birth plan, I've requested a nurse who is ameniable to drug-free labor. I'm reconsidering changing that requirement to the nurse who has the smallest hand width. I think that would be a much better choice.
If there is anything notable to report from the appts. today, I'll update.
My OB appt. is later on this morning and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable cervical exam. I would like him to be able to feel it and tell me if there is any change but not at the cost of my future sexual well-being. It would only be fair if I could kick him in the balls beforehand so that he experience the level of pain I am feeling while he's trying to get down and around the baby's head. Maybe then I'd call it even. In my birth plan, I've requested a nurse who is ameniable to drug-free labor. I'm reconsidering changing that requirement to the nurse who has the smallest hand width. I think that would be a much better choice.
If there is anything notable to report from the appts. today, I'll update.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Made It Through the Weekend
Whew, there were times this weekend when I wasn't sure I was going to make it without kicking off the labor festivities but we did. After 3 days of VBS for I. and some necessary errrands for me, I skidded into Saturday to discover that I really had no energy left which is an odd feeling to me. Even when I say I'm exhausted, I usually push through and have enough to continue. Not Saturday. My sleep on Friday night was interrupted by pressure in the nether regions and pain in my belly (probably contractions) that were uncomfortable enough to wake me up and keep me up until they subsided. By the time 10:30am rolled around and we were ready to head to the gym, I was pooped. So V. and I. went to the gym and believe it or not, I just laid back down on the bed and happily rested. I say happily because usually when I am resting, my mind is off on what I should be, could be doing with this unusual alone time but not Saturday. I was content to just lie there, read and close my eyes. I was officially pooped out.
Yesterday we got the grocery shopping done while V. was here since I suspected that another trip of lugging and unpacking would prove too much. Good thing too since contractions started hitting halfway through the shopping trip.
I think the word on the street, to borrow a phrase out of Sesame Street, is "uncomfortable". Most everything is uncomfortable for me. Rolling in bed, getting up, bending over, just sitting down - none of it feels good. My only true pleasure at this point is my shower. Feeling that warm water on my skin still gives true relief.
This morning, it's back to VBS for 3 more days hopefully. I. is having a great time and that makes me happy. And I'm getting a few more hours of alone time before this little boy makes his appearance. The afternoons give I. and I a little time together to color, do puzzles, and just hang out together, us girls. A little slice of quiet happiness in our life balanced with excitement and uncertainty.
Yesterday we got the grocery shopping done while V. was here since I suspected that another trip of lugging and unpacking would prove too much. Good thing too since contractions started hitting halfway through the shopping trip.
I think the word on the street, to borrow a phrase out of Sesame Street, is "uncomfortable". Most everything is uncomfortable for me. Rolling in bed, getting up, bending over, just sitting down - none of it feels good. My only true pleasure at this point is my shower. Feeling that warm water on my skin still gives true relief.
This morning, it's back to VBS for 3 more days hopefully. I. is having a great time and that makes me happy. And I'm getting a few more hours of alone time before this little boy makes his appearance. The afternoons give I. and I a little time together to color, do puzzles, and just hang out together, us girls. A little slice of quiet happiness in our life balanced with excitement and uncertainty.
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