Ever since M was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the most common thought in my mind and coming out of my mouth was, "I wish they would come back home." I knew we could provide a lot of help, support, and love that he and his wife need at this time.
So my wish is coming true and they should be arriving the second week of December. As in moving here for good. What an answer to my prayers! I'm really excited and sort of relieved in a way. I just want some more time and moments with him.
The Even Steven part of it is that as they come down here, V is being sent to Saudi Arabia to work for 3 weeks. Then back for Christmas and New Years and then back to SA for another 3 weeks, home 1 week etc. This may go on for up to 6 months. So M comes back and V leaves. Why can't I have both here at the same time? It's felt like each day of this year, I've been missing someone and feeling like there's a hole in my heart. And I'm tired of it.
I struggle already with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" whenever things are going well and I know that and try to actively combat those kind of thoughts. But then there's this - M is coming home and I'm blissfully happy about that for one week until I find out V is being shipped off to some God forsaken place. See, one week and then the shoe drops. At least that's how it seems.
Thank God I have a book on hold at the library called "The Geography of Bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world". It's been recommended and seems to be just what the doctor orders when it comes to filling my mind with helpful tips on how to have positive and thankful thoughts. I'll let you know how that turns out!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
An Attempt to Explain New Blog Title
I've always been a bit of an odd duck and this trend has continued, if not grown, as I've gotten older. When I was younger I didn't appreciate it, understand it, and certainly didn't like it. No matter what group I was with, I just didn't quite fit in for one reason or another. That's hard when you're young or even when you're in your 20s, trying to sort out what's going on in your life. I should have known back when I was 2.5 years old that it wouldn't get any better but what do you really know at that age?
However, once I hit 30, my best friend was also an odd duck and so our "oddness" brought comfort to each other and laid a foundation for a lifetime friendship. This is the same friend who is now dying of pancreatic cancer. Then I met my husband and he liked my contradictory nature. That term isn't exactly right in that, it's not me being contradictory per se, it's that I, my being, is contradictory. That's what drew him in (he says) and keeps him on his toes and interested now (I say) and a big part of why he finds me funny (we both say).
Here's some examples of Ms. Contradictory in action. When I broke my hand, almost broke the other one, and fractured my foot, I didn't cry. But if I think V is mad at or disappointed in me, I sob instantly. I'm friendly to people but I'm really kind of antisocial (a by product of being an only child for most of my childhood). Tactful but really offensive at times. Soft but strong. Healthy but enjoy my adult beverages. Highly responsible but wild and crazy. The list will continue as I think of them...
So even though this has caused me angst and hurt in the past, lately it's been paying off. I've got a lifelong friendship that will transcend anything and a great husband that I still like a lot and love a bunch. I'd say that's a pretty great payoff!
However, once I hit 30, my best friend was also an odd duck and so our "oddness" brought comfort to each other and laid a foundation for a lifetime friendship. This is the same friend who is now dying of pancreatic cancer. Then I met my husband and he liked my contradictory nature. That term isn't exactly right in that, it's not me being contradictory per se, it's that I, my being, is contradictory. That's what drew him in (he says) and keeps him on his toes and interested now (I say) and a big part of why he finds me funny (we both say).
Here's some examples of Ms. Contradictory in action. When I broke my hand, almost broke the other one, and fractured my foot, I didn't cry. But if I think V is mad at or disappointed in me, I sob instantly. I'm friendly to people but I'm really kind of antisocial (a by product of being an only child for most of my childhood). Tactful but really offensive at times. Soft but strong. Healthy but enjoy my adult beverages. Highly responsible but wild and crazy. The list will continue as I think of them...
So even though this has caused me angst and hurt in the past, lately it's been paying off. I've got a lifelong friendship that will transcend anything and a great husband that I still like a lot and love a bunch. I'd say that's a pretty great payoff!
A Blog Overhaul
So, I decided to give my blog a major overhaul in hopes that it would lead me to post more often. I created it to be a place to document the humorous, exhausting and frustrating sides of being a stay at home mother.
But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.
Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.
Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.
But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.
Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.
Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Day After
Today I felt better. Not good enough to talk about the weekend but good enough to not be dragging through the day. A couple of more days for that, I think. Looking forward to going to a Mom's Night In tomorrow night - I think that's just what I need!
One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.
That's it for now.
One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.
That's it for now.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Best Day of My Year
I just got back last night from visiting my friend who has pancreatic cancer in Seattle. He ended up going back in the hospital last Wednesday after they found a hole in his intestine (probably a result of the radiation) and a blood infection. So I went straight to the hospital Saturday night from the airport to see him.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Good and Bad Day
This was a day of contradictions I think. Woke up feeling down but before I got out of bed I made myself think of 3 great things about my life. I came up with being healthy, happily married, and having Isabella. That got me out of bed and I got to get ready for the day all by myself. We had swimming class this morning before a momma's playdate and the warm salt water felt really good to me. Also, I am cherishing these times with Isabella since I have had the teachers saying she is almost ready for the next stage of classes. So I enjoyed myself.
Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.
Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!
Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...
Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.
Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!
Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...
Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please
I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
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