Two days later and I'm still standing so I guess that's success these days. Saturday, my nighttime survival plan consisted of putting D. in the sling and getting him to sleep as quickly as possible. Not so I could put him in his bed but so that I could carefully fall into mybed and get some sort of sleep or at the very least get off my feet. And it worked. I didn't get tons of sleep but more than the night before and I feel like I have a stop-gap measure in my arsenal for those bad nights.
Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.
This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.
I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.
This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.
1 comment:
I hope you did get that few hours of uninterrupted sleep. The lack of sleep is one of those parts of motherhood we don't like, but you are so right to try to hold on to the moments to cherish--smiles, amazement, funny little quirks--so interesting how two children can be so different coming from the same parent gene pool. Hope tonight goes well!
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