An Exhausting Weekend

Barely made it through Friday, skidded into Mark's party on Saturday afternoon. For Mark's memory it was nice, for his parents it was nice. I'm happy for that. For me sadly, I just felt Mark's absence that much more and again felt that I was the square peg in a world full of circle holes.

There were three distinct groups at Mark's party. On the far left, there was his male friends, gathered round smoking and drinking beer with their wives gathered together right outside the circle. Then there was V., I. and me in the middle by ourselves, then Mark's parents and their friends and rounding out the right hand side was his sister and her contingency. Yes, we did mingle a few minutes here and there with others but by and large it was just V. and I standing by ourselves while I. played chase with the dog. Thank God for the dog or we would have been goners.

I talked to V. after we got I. to bed about how depressing it is to me that I don't seem to fit into any group any more. It's hard to believe these days, but I had groups I felt comfortable in. My work department, my social group, my martial arts circle - I was usually the mentor, the boss, the ringleader - not just a member. This is a role I feel comfortable in, it gives me satisfaction but one that I cannot grasp right now. It's frustrating and lonely. I know that a major part is that women with friendships put into those friendships - they offer help, telephone support, personal support, a genuine investment into relationships. And for this, as they should be, are rewarded with close friendships that they can depend upon.

It makes me question what's wrong with me. I've got one kid, why can't I make a time and energy investment like that if I want close relationships like that? I think it boils down to that's just me - even in preschool and kindergarten, I just wanted one or two close friends. I never have liked spreading myself thin; I like to make my time and energy investment in one or two people. I would rather be really close to one or two people than be friends with many. That's a fine strategy until those one or two people move away or as you get older get married and their spouses cannot except your friendship or they die. By the time you're 40, your friendships become quite limited.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Part of me feels too old to be a part of the stuff I enjoyed in the past (violent, physical martial arts) but conjures up the Me of the past. But part of me doesn't quite fit in with being a full-time mother. I need to find a group full-time moms who were past martial arts female fighters or female law enforcement to truly find a group whose experience is closer to mine.

Don't get me wrong - there are several, maybe many mommas that I feel comfortable with in my current group but because of my truncated daily schedule as a basically single momma with a child whose dinner begins at 3:45, unless I want to spend oodles of money on a babysitter, I can't go out and socialize with these ladies on a regular basis and get everything that needs to get done during the week done. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm in a rat race but that's just how my life is right now. The best I can do is to try to be balanced in scheduling what needs to be done with fun activities. My first responsibility is to I.. In another year, she'll be in school full-time and I'll have more time to myself and if I don't make time for us to play together now, I will regret it then. That is my main prerogative for now. The rest will have to wait.