This was a day of contradictions I think. Woke up feeling down but before I got out of bed I made myself think of 3 great things about my life. I came up with being healthy, happily married, and having Isabella. That got me out of bed and I got to get ready for the day all by myself. We had swimming class this morning before a momma's playdate and the warm salt water felt really good to me. Also, I am cherishing these times with Isabella since I have had the teachers saying she is almost ready for the next stage of classes. So I enjoyed myself.
Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.
Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!
Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...
Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please
I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Hitting MY Head on a Brick Wall! (see previous post's title)
I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall. I swear it would make me feel better...
It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.
For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"
The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!
Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.
Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.
Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!
It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.
For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"
The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!
Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.
Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.
Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Hitting the Nail on the Head
It's been awhile (AGAIN) that I wrote a post but it seemed like after the fires, this whole house was in a funk. We seemed to be misstepping throughout the day and it was like running uphill backwards all day long. Exhausting! Then we had Isabella's birthday (which she enjoyed immensely) and survived my sister's drama on the same day. Maybe I'll give an abbreviated version of that day in a minute. But for now, I'll continue the timeline. We also changed the clocks that weekend which added another misstep and then Isabella spent 2 whole nights at my parents' house while I got 2 rooms painted and the carpet and tile cleaned. Which brings me to the title of the post. Here I had 2 days free of Isabella (though I had to stay home with workers "chasing" me around) but still...I was babyless. Yes, I enjoyed it immensely but I actually felt like I was floundering a bit without my normal routine. I read, watched morning tv, played some brain games on the computer, did some tutorials for new software, etc. and still I just felt a little off. It was so nice to not have to talk and just be silent but it just felt weird. I couldn't believe how much energy I still had by the end of the day! But, you know, it didn't seem like there was a point or accomplishment for the day and that's because Isabella wasn't here. I didn't feel like that before I had her so it was quite a surprise to me. I was reading a book while on the treadmill today and read this perfect quote in a not so perfect book but when I read it, I thought "Yep, that's right." So here's the quote:
"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)
So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:
Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.
That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!
"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)
So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:
Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.
That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
ENOUGH!!
This week we've been going through the horrible fires here in San Diego. For 2 days straight, we had the news on all day and evening keeping track of the where the fires were since we were under mandatory evacuation but chose to stay. It was really eerie in our complex after we saw everyone driving away after the announcement and then with the nearby freeway closed, the silence was deafening. It was just us and the falling soot.
Since the mandatory evacuation was lifted, we have still been house ridden because of the unhealthy air and the fact that everything is closed. I refuse to have the news on all day looking at all the despair and sadness of people losing their houses and almost a half a million people displaced in shelters. Thus my post's title - ENOUGH!! I cannot listen to another person who has lost everything they owned except their life or wondering if they still have a home or what happened to their animals. I am emotionally exhausted from all of it. I feel bad since I should just be happy that I still have my home but I take things to heart too much I think. I'm tired of seeing the ticker tape of running trauma running on the bottom of the screen, every show preempted (except for the World Series of course, God forbid).
Okay, I feel better now. I've had my rant and I can move on. And I may actually be able to go outside tomorrow (WOO HOO!) - that would be the best thing of my day if that happened. Here's to better days...less smoke, open indoor playgrounds, gyms with childcare, etc.
Since the mandatory evacuation was lifted, we have still been house ridden because of the unhealthy air and the fact that everything is closed. I refuse to have the news on all day looking at all the despair and sadness of people losing their houses and almost a half a million people displaced in shelters. Thus my post's title - ENOUGH!! I cannot listen to another person who has lost everything they owned except their life or wondering if they still have a home or what happened to their animals. I am emotionally exhausted from all of it. I feel bad since I should just be happy that I still have my home but I take things to heart too much I think. I'm tired of seeing the ticker tape of running trauma running on the bottom of the screen, every show preempted (except for the World Series of course, God forbid).
Okay, I feel better now. I've had my rant and I can move on. And I may actually be able to go outside tomorrow (WOO HOO!) - that would be the best thing of my day if that happened. Here's to better days...less smoke, open indoor playgrounds, gyms with childcare, etc.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Back to That Selflessness Topic
What started this post was hearing how much some moms on television loved being moms to 8 and 16 kids. These women were saying how wonderful it was, how much they loved it, and acted like it was almost a calling.
As I sit over here, agonizing (well, maybe not quite that) about having a second child, I wonder "What's wrong with me?" because some days seem so difficult to me. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom, wouldn't trade it for anything, and would do anything to keep my girl safe and happy. BUT...there are some days when I'm just pooped and out of patience for the day and this is just with 1 kid!
So what is it? What makes some moms able to happily handle lots of kids and some feel like 1 or maybe 2 (on a good day) is their limit? Is it temperament? Or is it a selfish type of personality? Or is it that we have just gotten used to a certain type of life?
Lately, I'm leaning a little towards the last one. Why? Because my perfectionist, Type A temperament has mellowed out quite a bit and I certainly do not want to foist that on my girl at all. I already see those tendencies in her as it is. A selfish type of personality? As in my previous post, that selfishness has mellowed out a lot and doesn't make its' appearance very often. So that leaves me with the last option - I got used to being on my own, responsible only for myself, and while that gave me a lot of freedom, it didn't give me a lot of fulfillment. But I think I got used to it and it makes it hard for me to deal constantly with being "on call" for a little someone all day long. These "Super Moms" as I call them (the 8 and 16 kids' moms), for the most part, got married young and started having kids immediately and often so they never really enjoyed the freedom or experience of just being responsible for themselves and having no one to answer to. That's not to say it was bad - in fact, in one way now that I'm a mom I think it would be better and easier to be a mom and wife. But, on the other hand, I know what I'm NOT missing by being responsible for a husband and child and that makes me appreciate all that more. But it does sometimes make daily life harder for me I think. Either way, I think that being a mom is just a difficult job and those "Super Moms" that I watch on television are just freaks of nature or on a high Valium dosage.
At least that's what I'll tell myself to make myself feel better!
As I sit over here, agonizing (well, maybe not quite that) about having a second child, I wonder "What's wrong with me?" because some days seem so difficult to me. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom, wouldn't trade it for anything, and would do anything to keep my girl safe and happy. BUT...there are some days when I'm just pooped and out of patience for the day and this is just with 1 kid!
So what is it? What makes some moms able to happily handle lots of kids and some feel like 1 or maybe 2 (on a good day) is their limit? Is it temperament? Or is it a selfish type of personality? Or is it that we have just gotten used to a certain type of life?
Lately, I'm leaning a little towards the last one. Why? Because my perfectionist, Type A temperament has mellowed out quite a bit and I certainly do not want to foist that on my girl at all. I already see those tendencies in her as it is. A selfish type of personality? As in my previous post, that selfishness has mellowed out a lot and doesn't make its' appearance very often. So that leaves me with the last option - I got used to being on my own, responsible only for myself, and while that gave me a lot of freedom, it didn't give me a lot of fulfillment. But I think I got used to it and it makes it hard for me to deal constantly with being "on call" for a little someone all day long. These "Super Moms" as I call them (the 8 and 16 kids' moms), for the most part, got married young and started having kids immediately and often so they never really enjoyed the freedom or experience of just being responsible for themselves and having no one to answer to. That's not to say it was bad - in fact, in one way now that I'm a mom I think it would be better and easier to be a mom and wife. But, on the other hand, I know what I'm NOT missing by being responsible for a husband and child and that makes me appreciate all that more. But it does sometimes make daily life harder for me I think. Either way, I think that being a mom is just a difficult job and those "Super Moms" that I watch on television are just freaks of nature or on a high Valium dosage.
At least that's what I'll tell myself to make myself feel better!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Just a Quick Blog
I don't normally write at this time since I try to conserve energy when The Baby is down for an hour's rest so I have enough to make through the afternoon. However, she has been typically going the bathroom within the first 15 minutes of her rest and I go back in to clean her up so that she doesn't get the horrible diaper rash she would get. So, thought I'd write quickly while waiting for the next dump.
Of all things, Britney Spears has been on my mind this morning. I don't normally get personally involved with this loser celebrities but when I heard that she lost custody of her 2 babies because she couldn't follow mandatory, normal-human rules, I just couldn't believe it. Now that I'm a mom, I just cannot imagine continuing to do something if it meant my kids would be taken away. It's just beyond my comprehension. I would do anything to not lose my girl. In fact, it's one of my top 2 goals right now in my life to give her a happy, secure, safe life. I keep this goal in mind when I get frustrated with the hubby and want to snap at him in front of Isabella and it makes me button my lip. Later on when I could say something, I find it's not really valid anyways that I was just being irritable. I keep this goal in mind when I don't feel particularly happy or cheerful and make myself smile and act cheerful in front of her. Do I feel like doing this all the time? Hell no but I'm not going to lay my burdens or moods on her. If they feel heavy to me, how heavy would they feel to a little person trying to deal with her own emotions, fears, frustrations, etc?
Being a parent has made me such a better person. I am much more selfless now and concerned about the wellbeing of my family members and I like that - in a way, it's freeing. In another way, this selflessness backfires and leads me to look at myself in the mirror after The Baby's bedtime and be horrified to see my lunch stuck in my teeth and it's been there since 11:30am! Note to self: check teeth during resttime!
Of all things, Britney Spears has been on my mind this morning. I don't normally get personally involved with this loser celebrities but when I heard that she lost custody of her 2 babies because she couldn't follow mandatory, normal-human rules, I just couldn't believe it. Now that I'm a mom, I just cannot imagine continuing to do something if it meant my kids would be taken away. It's just beyond my comprehension. I would do anything to not lose my girl. In fact, it's one of my top 2 goals right now in my life to give her a happy, secure, safe life. I keep this goal in mind when I get frustrated with the hubby and want to snap at him in front of Isabella and it makes me button my lip. Later on when I could say something, I find it's not really valid anyways that I was just being irritable. I keep this goal in mind when I don't feel particularly happy or cheerful and make myself smile and act cheerful in front of her. Do I feel like doing this all the time? Hell no but I'm not going to lay my burdens or moods on her. If they feel heavy to me, how heavy would they feel to a little person trying to deal with her own emotions, fears, frustrations, etc?
Being a parent has made me such a better person. I am much more selfless now and concerned about the wellbeing of my family members and I like that - in a way, it's freeing. In another way, this selflessness backfires and leads me to look at myself in the mirror after The Baby's bedtime and be horrified to see my lunch stuck in my teeth and it's been there since 11:30am! Note to self: check teeth during resttime!
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