Keeping Perspective

Well we finished up the tree and it looks really good. With V being gone, I'm really getting to enjoy the tree a whole lot. Here's the finished product.



Today I took I to a Junior Theater play and she really enjoyed it. This was her second one and again, she sat through an hour without any problem. She would look up at me with this little smile and huge eyes like "Wow, I like this Mommy!" On our way home, I said that maybe next time Daddy could come with us like he did the first time we went. Then I said, "I miss Daddy." A few seconds passed, as her little brain purred, and then she said, "Me too." I taped up our Christmas card over her changing table so now she says Good morning, good night and kisses Daddy throughout the day.

There's a lot going on with this girl 'cause when Daddy calls in the morning, you can count on I acting up, whining, being naughty and throwing tantrums. Every morning that he's been gone has been tough which is weird because he's been gone before, plenty of time. I don't know if it's because I've told her that Daddy is going to be gone for a long time or if it's because he left his car in the garage. Whenever we arrive home, she thinks Daddy is home and I think it's probably like ripping a newly formed scab off. I know the feeling but at least I have that mature perspective that she cannot possibly have yet.

Tomorrow Mark is coming over to collect his cats. I get to see him for the first time since July and get to meet his new son. I just need to prepare myself for the fact that he's 20 lbs. lighter and has lost his hair. I'm excited though and can't wait to see him.

Satisfying Email

About two months ago, a book at the library caught my eye because it was a true story about a lifelong friendship between two men, ending when one died of cancer. It was touching and I could identify with many of the feelings and thoughts the friend was going through watching his friend fight to live while knowing what eventually was coming. It brought me to tears several times but made me feel so much better being able to identify with someone about such a painful topic.

So I decided to email the author and tell him how much I appreciated his book,how sorry I was that he lost his friend and a little bit about Mark. Hit send and forgot about it.

Well, lo and behold a couple of weeks ago, he emailed me back apologizing for the delay but that he had been on the road reporting (he writes for newspapers too) on the election and just now was getting caught up on his emails. What impressed me is that it wasn't a canned email. He thanked me for writing him and sent his sincere thoughts about Mark and hoped things were still going okay. He asked if I would read his newest book and email him with my thoughts about it as well. Pretty cool!

I like being acknowledged, not just for what I do, but just that I've been heard and what I've said has been noted. To me, that's an integral piece of the puzzle between a good day and a great day.

It's Here

Today V is on his very long list of flights to eventually wind up in Riyadh or as I call it "that God forsaken place". How do I feel about it? Pretty doggone crappy. On top of that, I have caught I's virus and woke up in the middle of the night with a raw throat and pounding headache. Combine that with I waking me up at 5:30 because her nose was running and we're off to a great start of a long two weeks!

I'm trying to concentrate on the positives or it's going to be an even longer two weeks. So here's what I've come up with so far:

1. If I was dead, I wouldn't feel this pain in my throat and feel so lousy so I guess that means I'm alive, which is a very positive thing.

2. I have plenty of time at night to get all my work and personal projects done without guilt of neglecting V.

3. I like this time of year since I do all my shopping online, every day now there's packages on the porch for me to open and ooh and aah over at night.

4. I was stressing about making it to the mailbox before the mailman came to get that blasted postmark on the property taxes when lo and behold, he knocked on my door with a package and nicely took the envelope with him.

Who says life isn't about the small things? Baby steps, baby steps...

It's Almost Here

You probably assume I'm talking about Christmas but I'm not. I'm talking about V leaving for Saudi Arabia for 2 weeks and that day is tomorrow. This is the beginning of a six month tour of duty (no he's not in the military). Next month it will probably be three weeks there, one week back home (but still working). And now it's the day before he leaves and inevitably, I'm feeling sad and worried. I don't like him this far away and specifically in that country. He's flying hoome on the 23rd which doesn't give him a lot of wiggle room if something goes wrong with the flight.

Enough about that - can't control so just need to let it go. On a better note, we got our Christmas tree yesterday and got the lights on it and Isabella was really excited about it.



Over the next couple of days, we'll get the ornaments on it little by little until it is a perfect Christmas tree. Every tree is a perfect Christmas tree once we get all of our family ornaments on it. Telling Isabella the story behind each one is one of the things I look forward to the most. She won't understand too much of them this year, but as the years go on, I will enjoy passing on the stories to her. Ah, Christmas through a child's eyes - there is nothing like it! I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance!

Catching Up From Thanksgiving

A variety of topics have cropped up in the last four days that I need to air out.

First, Thanksgiving Day was a surprising low-stress day. There was still the annual bickering among my parents when the meat came out of the oven (don't ask me, it's just a phenomenon of sorts). However, that was the extent of the stress. So I was really happy about that.

Then Saturday arrived and we went to our weekly "Linner" (Lunch/Dinner) at El Torito. However, disaster had struck. The waiter/friend that has taken care of us since before I was pregnant with I. is MIA. As in he no longer works here. I swear I felt like crying. We just celebrated I.'s birthday here because of him and now he's gone. It's like a beloved member of the family is gone. Somehow I'm going to find him and we will see him again. This may seem bizarre to you but I. went from being scared of him to being fond of him to nicknaming him and looking forward to taking a "tour" of El Torito with him each week. To make it worse, our service was horrible last Saturday.

I'll finish this blog tomorrow - getting late right now.

Am I Living in the Land of Even Steven?

Ever since M was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the most common thought in my mind and coming out of my mouth was, "I wish they would come back home." I knew we could provide a lot of help, support, and love that he and his wife need at this time.

So my wish is coming true and they should be arriving the second week of December. As in moving here for good. What an answer to my prayers! I'm really excited and sort of relieved in a way. I just want some more time and moments with him.

The Even Steven part of it is that as they come down here, V is being sent to Saudi Arabia to work for 3 weeks. Then back for Christmas and New Years and then back to SA for another 3 weeks, home 1 week etc. This may go on for up to 6 months. So M comes back and V leaves. Why can't I have both here at the same time? It's felt like each day of this year, I've been missing someone and feeling like there's a hole in my heart. And I'm tired of it.

I struggle already with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" whenever things are going well and I know that and try to actively combat those kind of thoughts. But then there's this - M is coming home and I'm blissfully happy about that for one week until I find out V is being shipped off to some God forsaken place. See, one week and then the shoe drops. At least that's how it seems.

Thank God I have a book on hold at the library called "The Geography of Bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world". It's been recommended and seems to be just what the doctor orders when it comes to filling my mind with helpful tips on how to have positive and thankful thoughts. I'll let you know how that turns out!

An Attempt to Explain New Blog Title

I've always been a bit of an odd duck and this trend has continued, if not grown, as I've gotten older. When I was younger I didn't appreciate it, understand it, and certainly didn't like it. No matter what group I was with, I just didn't quite fit in for one reason or another. That's hard when you're young or even when you're in your 20s, trying to sort out what's going on in your life. I should have known back when I was 2.5 years old that it wouldn't get any better but what do you really know at that age?

However, once I hit 30, my best friend was also an odd duck and so our "oddness" brought comfort to each other and laid a foundation for a lifetime friendship. This is the same friend who is now dying of pancreatic cancer. Then I met my husband and he liked my contradictory nature. That term isn't exactly right in that, it's not me being contradictory per se, it's that I, my being, is contradictory. That's what drew him in (he says) and keeps him on his toes and interested now (I say) and a big part of why he finds me funny (we both say).

Here's some examples of Ms. Contradictory in action. When I broke my hand, almost broke the other one, and fractured my foot, I didn't cry. But if I think V is mad at or disappointed in me, I sob instantly. I'm friendly to people but I'm really kind of antisocial (a by product of being an only child for most of my childhood). Tactful but really offensive at times. Soft but strong. Healthy but enjoy my adult beverages. Highly responsible but wild and crazy. The list will continue as I think of them...

So even though this has caused me angst and hurt in the past, lately it's been paying off. I've got a lifelong friendship that will transcend anything and a great husband that I still like a lot and love a bunch. I'd say that's a pretty great payoff!