The Lint in My Belly Button

I haven't posted for awhile because I've been trying to crawl out of a hole, at least that's what it's felt like. A hole formed by sadness and negative thoughts along with a big dose of a delay in V. coming back from Saudi Arabia. A perfect trifecta of sorts if you will.

I have been pondering why it is that I am having such a hard time with V. being gone when I used to live happily by myself all the time. Over this week, I've come up with a couple of reasons. First, before V. I didn't have that intimate connection to someone so I didn't miss it. In fact, if I did date someone it was usually for a very short time because I didn't want to be around them, I looked forward to being by myself. Well, since V. I enjoy his company and I miss not having him here to share my weird humorous comments that only he would understand and enjoy. Basically, if you don't have it, you don't miss it. Secondly, back in my single days, if I was feeling lonely especially at night, I would take myself somewhere - a movie, a restaurant armed with a good book, or drive along the beach listening to music. Now, with I., I can't do that when I'm sad and lonely at night - my day out ends at 3:15 so I have to keep myself distracted successfully or not so successfully and plod along through the rough patches. Here's the funny thing though, I don't want the company, I just want V.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about, along with the lint in my belly button, which is how this post is beginning to sound. I finally was able to sync up my schedule with a mom's group I belong to and make it to 2 events last week. The second event went pretty well as there were some moms there that I feel relatively comfortable with and therefore, could have some conversation with. But the first one, oh my goodness. For most of the time, I felt like I was at a wedding where I didn't really know anyone and the more awkward I felt, the less I talked and interacted. It seemed as though there were expectations of me to talk and interact and the more I tried, the blanker my mind went and I really just wanted to go home and be by myself. It's a vicious circle...

My tenative conclusion after all this pondering is that I need to just accept the fact that yes I am struggling right now, let myself be and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done especially when I feel like apologizing for being such a lousy conversationalist and vow to be better. But you know what, I don't need to apologize to anyone. I'm doing the best I can surrounded by some really sad, out of my control circumstances and the only thing I need to concentrate on each day is I., making sure that she feels loved and secure despite her own sadness over V. being gone. At the end of the day, that should be the measure of the day's success and if I've accomplished that, well then I've done my job well. I'll think I'll leave my loftier goals for another day when the deck doesn't seem so stacked against me and for now, just narrow my focus and keep my head above water.