Today I felt better. Not good enough to talk about the weekend but good enough to not be dragging through the day. A couple of more days for that, I think. Looking forward to going to a Mom's Night In tomorrow night - I think that's just what I need!
One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.
That's it for now.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Best Day of My Year
I just got back last night from visiting my friend who has pancreatic cancer in Seattle. He ended up going back in the hospital last Wednesday after they found a hole in his intestine (probably a result of the radiation) and a blood infection. So I went straight to the hospital Saturday night from the airport to see him.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.
But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.
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