Hitting the Nail on the Head

It's been awhile (AGAIN) that I wrote a post but it seemed like after the fires, this whole house was in a funk. We seemed to be misstepping throughout the day and it was like running uphill backwards all day long. Exhausting! Then we had Isabella's birthday (which she enjoyed immensely) and survived my sister's drama on the same day. Maybe I'll give an abbreviated version of that day in a minute. But for now, I'll continue the timeline. We also changed the clocks that weekend which added another misstep and then Isabella spent 2 whole nights at my parents' house while I got 2 rooms painted and the carpet and tile cleaned. Which brings me to the title of the post. Here I had 2 days free of Isabella (though I had to stay home with workers "chasing" me around) but still...I was babyless. Yes, I enjoyed it immensely but I actually felt like I was floundering a bit without my normal routine. I read, watched morning tv, played some brain games on the computer, did some tutorials for new software, etc. and still I just felt a little off. It was so nice to not have to talk and just be silent but it just felt weird. I couldn't believe how much energy I still had by the end of the day! But, you know, it didn't seem like there was a point or accomplishment for the day and that's because Isabella wasn't here. I didn't feel like that before I had her so it was quite a surprise to me. I was reading a book while on the treadmill today and read this perfect quote in a not so perfect book but when I read it, I thought "Yep, that's right." So here's the quote:

"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)

So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:

Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.

That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!

ENOUGH!!

This week we've been going through the horrible fires here in San Diego. For 2 days straight, we had the news on all day and evening keeping track of the where the fires were since we were under mandatory evacuation but chose to stay. It was really eerie in our complex after we saw everyone driving away after the announcement and then with the nearby freeway closed, the silence was deafening. It was just us and the falling soot.

Since the mandatory evacuation was lifted, we have still been house ridden because of the unhealthy air and the fact that everything is closed. I refuse to have the news on all day looking at all the despair and sadness of people losing their houses and almost a half a million people displaced in shelters. Thus my post's title - ENOUGH!! I cannot listen to another person who has lost everything they owned except their life or wondering if they still have a home or what happened to their animals. I am emotionally exhausted from all of it. I feel bad since I should just be happy that I still have my home but I take things to heart too much I think. I'm tired of seeing the ticker tape of running trauma running on the bottom of the screen, every show preempted (except for the World Series of course, God forbid).

Okay, I feel better now. I've had my rant and I can move on. And I may actually be able to go outside tomorrow (WOO HOO!) - that would be the best thing of my day if that happened. Here's to better days...less smoke, open indoor playgrounds, gyms with childcare, etc.

Back to That Selflessness Topic

What started this post was hearing how much some moms on television loved being moms to 8 and 16 kids. These women were saying how wonderful it was, how much they loved it, and acted like it was almost a calling.

As I sit over here, agonizing (well, maybe not quite that) about having a second child, I wonder "What's wrong with me?" because some days seem so difficult to me. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom, wouldn't trade it for anything, and would do anything to keep my girl safe and happy. BUT...there are some days when I'm just pooped and out of patience for the day and this is just with 1 kid!

So what is it? What makes some moms able to happily handle lots of kids and some feel like 1 or maybe 2 (on a good day) is their limit? Is it temperament? Or is it a selfish type of personality? Or is it that we have just gotten used to a certain type of life?

Lately, I'm leaning a little towards the last one. Why? Because my perfectionist, Type A temperament has mellowed out quite a bit and I certainly do not want to foist that on my girl at all. I already see those tendencies in her as it is. A selfish type of personality? As in my previous post, that selfishness has mellowed out a lot and doesn't make its' appearance very often. So that leaves me with the last option - I got used to being on my own, responsible only for myself, and while that gave me a lot of freedom, it didn't give me a lot of fulfillment. But I think I got used to it and it makes it hard for me to deal constantly with being "on call" for a little someone all day long. These "Super Moms" as I call them (the 8 and 16 kids' moms), for the most part, got married young and started having kids immediately and often so they never really enjoyed the freedom or experience of just being responsible for themselves and having no one to answer to. That's not to say it was bad - in fact, in one way now that I'm a mom I think it would be better and easier to be a mom and wife. But, on the other hand, I know what I'm NOT missing by being responsible for a husband and child and that makes me appreciate all that more. But it does sometimes make daily life harder for me I think. Either way, I think that being a mom is just a difficult job and those "Super Moms" that I watch on television are just freaks of nature or on a high Valium dosage.

At least that's what I'll tell myself to make myself feel better!

Just a Quick Blog

I don't normally write at this time since I try to conserve energy when The Baby is down for an hour's rest so I have enough to make through the afternoon. However, she has been typically going the bathroom within the first 15 minutes of her rest and I go back in to clean her up so that she doesn't get the horrible diaper rash she would get. So, thought I'd write quickly while waiting for the next dump.

Of all things, Britney Spears has been on my mind this morning. I don't normally get personally involved with this loser celebrities but when I heard that she lost custody of her 2 babies because she couldn't follow mandatory, normal-human rules, I just couldn't believe it. Now that I'm a mom, I just cannot imagine continuing to do something if it meant my kids would be taken away. It's just beyond my comprehension. I would do anything to not lose my girl. In fact, it's one of my top 2 goals right now in my life to give her a happy, secure, safe life. I keep this goal in mind when I get frustrated with the hubby and want to snap at him in front of Isabella and it makes me button my lip. Later on when I could say something, I find it's not really valid anyways that I was just being irritable. I keep this goal in mind when I don't feel particularly happy or cheerful and make myself smile and act cheerful in front of her. Do I feel like doing this all the time? Hell no but I'm not going to lay my burdens or moods on her. If they feel heavy to me, how heavy would they feel to a little person trying to deal with her own emotions, fears, frustrations, etc?

Being a parent has made me such a better person. I am much more selfless now and concerned about the wellbeing of my family members and I like that - in a way, it's freeing. In another way, this selflessness backfires and leads me to look at myself in the mirror after The Baby's bedtime and be horrified to see my lunch stuck in my teeth and it's been there since 11:30am! Note to self: check teeth during resttime!

Now That My Tantrum Is Over...

Wonder where The Baby gets her tantrum throwing from? Well, just check out my last post. It hit me the next day when I was driving that a tantrum is exactly what it was. I have to admit, I did feel better getting it out and I started laughing at myself whining about "It's not fair" "Waaa" You would have thought I had learned and accepted that lesson by now but I guess not. Every once in a while everyone's entitle to a tantrum I think.

So this week's been okay, not great. The Baby came down with a cold as soon as the hubby left so she's been borderline gnarly so far this week. I know she hasn't been feeling well, so I tried to be understanding and sympathetic but after the 4 meltdown in 2 hours today, I was starting to get tired of it. So, I just started acting like I was calm and patient (even though I didn't feel that way) and it got us through the rest of the day and kept things moving rather smoothly. I had forgotten that little trick I learned and used out in the career world - when I wanted to tell someone where they could put a contract but couldn't do that and had to act like I was calm and in control. See, lessons can be transferred from former to current lives and vice versa! Good lesson for the day.

Hubby is okay and should be home Friday night. The sad part is that this week has been so much less stressful work-wise for him than his normal week and he only had to travel 21 hours for it. I will keep looking for job postings for him!

This is sounding less like a post than an email to someone. I hate when that happens. Hopefully next post will be better....

Do I Really Have Nothing To Say?

I haven't posted for almost a week. Why? Every night I ask myself why I'm not posting and I still don't think I have the real answer. I come up with "I'm too tired.", "I don't have time." and "I don't really have anything to say." But do I really have nothing to say? Or is it something else?

The hubby has been home the last week (as opposed to the previous 2 weeks) so I don't like to be on the computer at night when he's awake so that we can spend some time together even if it is just vegging in front of the tv. When he does fall asleep on the couch, then I would rather read since that's a guilty pleasure these days. So that's been part of it.

Another part of it is that things have been continuing to go well with The Baby during the day which has been wonderful. That doesn't mean I'm any less tired; in fact, I think reining myself in and catching myself before the immediate, thoughtless "no" comes out of my mouth actually requires more energy in a way. The day requires less of my patience since we have fewer squabbles but it requires more mind control instead.

I have been more tired too because the hubby's timeclock has been off due to travel and I sleep so lightly that I'm awake off and on all night long and if I can tell he's not asleep, I can't fall back to sleep for a long time. That brings me too a recent aggravation that probably has contributed to me "not having anything to say".

Hubby found out late Tuesday that he has to go to Saudi Arabia on business for a week leaving Sunday morning. He's already been gone for the past 2 weeks and wasn't supposed to travel again until mid October but here's this friggin trip to the Middle East. This pisses me off on several levels: first it's last minute so I'm trying to deal with that; secondly, he was supposed to be home for awhile; thirdly, IT'S THE F*!% MIDDLE EAST right after 9/11 with Bin Laden spouting off on his latest crap; fourthly(sp?), there's all this travel warnings on the Web about Westerners shouldn't be going over there for non necessary trips due to terrorist attacks on them and the hotels they stay in - AARGH - need I continue?!

On top of this, it just irritates me that I can't count on my parents to help when I need it. I mean when I was sick and Vinny was in DC, my mom was running to help my train wreck of a sister get to the grocery store but it was okay that I was lying on the couch ill with Isabella running circles around me. I know, I'm bitter but after 10 years, it gets old. Though in one way, I would like a soft place to land in another way, it goes so against my grain as the oldest and mostly only child that I would rather just be by myself. I guess it would just be nice to be given the option or asked if I wanted help...

So Far So Good

Well, things aren't jinxed yet. Despite no nap and a couple of tantrums as a result this afternoon, I was able to successfully navigate the day. I did learn something new today though. I'll just set the lesson up how it went. Came home from the grocery store around 3:30 (remember no nap) and as I was racing to just put away the absolute necessities before making The Baby dinner, she signs to me that she wants to watch Blues Clues. Well, I am a stickler for TV and we watch about an hour together in the morning (Blues Clues, Signing videos) and then that is it. Unfortunately with last week's stomach virus, I had to resort to a DVD in the late afternoon so that I could get a head of steam to make it through bath and bedtime routine.

So, The Baby says she wants to watch Blues Clues. I of course say no sweetie, I'm making you food right now and she bursts into a crying tantrum. I keep moving on with dinner plans in the kitchen as she screams figuring she's pissed off at me for saying no and then here's the lesson. I look into the living room and she's stood up. When she sees me, she raises her arms up so I come around the counter, kneel down and open my arms up and she comes running into them! I was shocked! I thought she was crying because she was mad at me. And initially, she probably was. But as time marched on, she was just sad and that's where no one can do better than Momma. I need to remember that in the future because as soon as I held her and hug and kissed her, she recovered enough to sit in her chair and wait a few minutes for the rest of dinner.

I may know her better than anyone else on the planet but that doesn't mean I know her 100%! Something for me to keep in mind...