The Dichotomy of Being Me

Missing the Hubby

2012-01-29T20:57:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from the hubby's birthday dinner that we sneaked out for last week. We really had a good time. Now I'm missing him big time. I have gotten used to him being around at least part of the week. Even on the nights when he can't make it home for bath or bedtime with the kids, at least I know he'll be around for the evening and that brings me comfort. This week beginning today (Sunday) he's over in Florida and next week he'll be in San Francisco and Dallas.

It's funny how you get accustomed to what you have to. I mean I survived V. being in Saudi Arabia for a month or more at a time for 18 months total and I'm having a hard time with him being gone for a week at a time?

The fact is though that we are in a different place, a very different place, than we were during the Saudi Arabia time. Those were dark times for both of us - going through a work separation that we didn't anticipate nor wanted plus making it through Mark's death. It was just bad all around. But we made it, barely it seemed at times. We came back stronger, more aware of what we could have lost, more thankful for what we still had.

And then our little surprise made itself known. And that led to another major surprise that it was a boy. The healing began in baby steps but still there was the stress of how this would change our family, going from just I. to another, would V. be around at all unlike with I., and would I be able to handle 2 kids at a time. Then D. arrived and the miracles began. A miracle that he was able to be born as I had hoped for, that he was safe and healthy despite his traumatic arrival, and as we got to know him, that he truly was the "completer" of our family. He not only completes V. and I kids-wise, he touches something in I. and her little heart swells whenever she sees him. We are so blessed.

This baby has brought a new tender sweetness to V. and I's relationship. V. and I are both strong, independent, capable individuals. He can go away and know that I will be okay - our family and home will be okay. But one of the best parts of "us" is that we have always been that one person for each other to whom we can just lay our defenses down, not guard ourselves and feel safe. We know we can survive on our own but we don't want to. Since D. has been here, giving him a bath together before he gets nursed and put to bed, is a really special time for us to share. Of course I enjoy giving him a bath even if it's by myself but when V. is here, it adds an additional level of feeding of my soul. We are experiencing it together and are creating shared memories that we will be able to look back on and smile. With the hours V. works, this is not a given and I don't take it for granted.

Just another reason why I'm missing the hubby...

Refrigerated Thoughts

2012-01-27T11:03:00.000-08:00

I just finished cleaning and organizing the fridge and freezer, something I've put off forever. While I was doing it, I thought about the age old argument between working women and stay at home moms. Many working women think stay at home moms do nothing all day, let alone something substantial, and that they are letting their minds go to pot causing them to become boring individuals who have nothing to add to a conversation that doesn't revolve around their children.Instead of making me angry, it just makes me sad for these women and their present and/or future children. Nurturing a baby, shaping a child's character and just being there for a child's firsts, joys, sadnesses, and disappointments is not "doing nothing". It is pure joy if you live in the moment, appreciate the little things and keep perspective on how quickly time passes and one day I will be alone and able to do whatever I want to do and I have a feeling that I'll be very sad that these days are over.

Yes, cleaning the fridge is not exciting. No one is going to hand me a paycheck for it, promote me to a better, more prestigious job, or probably even acknowledge it with a pat on the back (though I may get a pat on the butt from V.). That doesn't matter. What matters is that I enjoy making a nice nest for my children and husband, a place where we are all safe and loved, a place where we can hide from the dog eat dog work world, the kindergarten world where you learn that not everyone is kind to you, and the 5 month old world where everything is new, semi-bewildering, and often overwhelming. We all need a safe place to land and that is the reason for everything I do right now in life.

Am I looking out for number one (myself) anymore? Certainly not and thank God. I did that enough in my single days and it was pretty empty after awhile. Lots of freedom and lots of simplicity but at the end of the day, I was certainly much more unhappy then than I am now. I like that I get ready in the morning before taking I. to school and I don't look in a mirror until I've gotten them in the bed and am getting in the shower. To me that's a good sign of a meaningful life and no, I didn't look like something the cat dragged in all day. I take pride in how I look, I just don't have the time to dwell on myself. I'd much rather look into my childrens' eyes and watch their facial expression as they look at something, than look at myself. I know what I look like, I want to memorize their little faces now before they change.

I love this saying because it is so true and snaps me back into perspective when I feel myself getting frustrated with kid situations: "The days are long, but the years are short." Isn't that the truth!

Breastfeeding blessings

2012-01-21T22:17:00.001-08:00

If you have ever breastfed a baby, you'll probably get what I am going to say. There is just something, especially after a 4-5 hour break, about putting a little human being onto your breast as their mouth is hungrily searching for you and having them begin drinking in the nourishment that keeps them alive. Every night at D.'s twilight feeding I experience this protective feeling and a sense of wonder that my body can sustain a baby, not just in utero but "out" utero too. Makes me really thankful that I got to experience it once again.

Day Off

2012-01-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

I. had today off from school and we enjoyed our time together. On days that she doesn't have school, she is much more easy going, able to entertain herself for periods of time, creative, and cheerful. Basically, she's more fun to be around and requires much less emotion energy and patience. What's odd is that it's still a different vibe than on weekends, another time she doesn't have school. It must be Daddy's presence - it elicits new and different demands on her part and probably results in additional emotions and needs generated by him being home.We had a good day with the morning spent getting stuff done (ie. laundry, chiropractor etc.) and the afternoon being more play time. We got panninis at Vons for a special lunch treat since I had to go and get some coldcuts for V., came home and ate them, and then I got D. down for a nap. Even though it was supershort (35 min.), we were able to play a game the whole time and that was fun. Then I surprised her by taking her for frozen yogurt which is a special treat for both of us.An interesting tidbit came out while we were talking today. I know she loves school which is great but today she said that she looks at the clock all the time while she's in school looking to see if it's time to come home because she wants to come home. I never would have guessed that. I mean she is excited when I pick her up from school but she's also really excited in the morning when she's walking into class. Yet now that I think about it, although she has never been clingy, we always stand close to each other during the morning pledges and without fail, she gives me a big hug and kiss when it's time to walk in. She appears outwardly to be perfectly happy to be going to school and I think in most ways she probably is but inside I am beginning to suspect that part of her really does miss me, though she won't admit it often. I'll have to keep this new knowledge in mind.

Things I Learned Today

2012-01-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

1. My daughter is a turtle, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. I know, don't say it, she's just like me. Probably even worse considering V.'s issues with showing emotion. V. got home late last night so didn't leave until 6:15am for work (very very late for him) and I. was waving by to him from her bedroom window. I called him on the phone while he was in the garage to get him to come back since I was up with D. and racing to get down there to say goodbye (for a change). V. came back in and I., D. and I went traipsing downstairs to give him a hug etc. when I noticed something glistening on I.'s cheek. When I asked what it was, all hell broke loose. Turns out that she had been crying while she was waving goodbye to V. earlier before I called him and we all ran down there. So this triggered major crying, sobbing and sadness all before 6:30am. V. had to run so I consoled I. and then cheered her up by having D. grab on her back with his little hand. That always can make a person feel better. While he and she hung out and I was getting ready for the day, I thought long and hard about how she hates to show those tough emotions - sadness, disappointment etc. When I went upstairs to fix her hair and get D., I talked with her about how God created emotions and whatever God creates is good, right? She agreed so I moved on with how there are emotions that make us feel good and ones that hurt but they are all okay because God gave them to us. So it's okay to cry and feel sad and it's okay to show it, much better than holding it in and feeling tight inside. The way I explained it, I think she got it, at least I think she did.2. My son is turning into a chow hound and I'm happy about it. Last Saturday we started oatmeal, one big whole tablespoon of it. After 4 days of that, we moved on to avocado. I mean, if I'm trying to get meat on this kid's bones what better way than a super nutrient dense, fat avocado and it is listed on one of the best first foods. From the get-go, D. was all over avocado - loved it, lip smacking and everything. Today was day 3 of avocado and after the first cube of it was gone and he realized that was it, he started crying. Not to mention that he was almost bent in half trying to get closer to the spoon. So I gave him another cube that he also devoured and then finished up with another tablespoon of oatmeal. All this in addition to the same amount of breastfeedings, I'm liking it. We'll see what morning weigh-in is tomorrow...3. I'm pretty modest but I'm also a second time mother and I had no problem breastfeeding D. in the outdoor eating area of the UTC mall today. Nothing was showing really but it kind of made me laugh.4. If I want D. to take a long morning nap, all I have to do is make plans for the morning after he wakes up. You've heard of the saying "Man makes plans and God laughs."? Well this is my version "Mommy makes plans and D. naps."

My Boys

2012-01-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, I began my day in bed with my baby boy in nothing but his diaper. We snuggled under the covers as I used my body heat to warm his little body. As I fed his body, our togetherness fed my soul.

Yesterday evening, I ended the day in bed with my big boy (V.) in nothing but his briefs. We snuggled under the covers, using our body heat to warm each other up. Our togetherness fed my soul.

It was a good day all around with my boys.

Good Family Time

2012-01-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

Playing catch-up here...lots of stuff, lots of good stuff.

On Christmas Eve, it was comforting to have all the kids under one roof. Christmas morning was a little rushed, trying to get their presents opened before V. and the girls had to leave at 8:45am to get them home but it was okay. The rest of the day was spent at my parents' house and it was nice and drama-free. There was some stress surrounding the dinner but aside from that, it was good.

I. stayed at my parents Sunday night thru Wednesday afternoon so it was just V, D, and I on Monday and then just D. and I Tuesday and Wednesday. That (just D. and I) was a first since at Thanksgiving when I. stayed at my parents', V. was home for those days. It gave me a chance to just be on his schedule for a change and it made for simple days which was a real treat. When he was awake, I could just lounge with him, play with him, be silly with him and do some errands just he and I. It was really nice to be able to give him that time instead of feeling as though I was just alternately loading him into the car and crib all day long.

The day after I. got home, we headed for Idyllwild. For the first time, we did not have to worry about snow, ice, or sleet which was kind of bizarre but really very nice. I. was a little disappointed that there wasn't snow to play in but we really had a good time up there. I was telling V. that I think that this year was our best Idyllwild trip ever, including when it was just he and I. When it was just the two of us, it was a completely different trip. Though fun, we tended to return from it more tired than when we went up due to our "work hard, play hard" mentality. Then with just I. when she was little, we had to take turns entertaining her and it sometimes didn't feel like that much of a vacation.

This year though was different for a few different reasons. One, I. is now old enough that the games that entertain her are entertaining for adults (ie. card, video and board games plus hard puzzles) so it was fun to play with her for long periods of time. Two, with I. in school now, we don't have a lot of time to just play. That was one thing so nice about her Christmas vacation...the time we had to just hang out, cook, talk, take walks, and play together. When she was home all day, every day, playing with her in Idyllwild didn't feel as special as it did this year. Third, with two kids, V. and I had to work as a team and take turns and it worked out well. V. would play with D. giving me time to be with I. one on one and then V. also would get time to play with I. when D. was taking a nap or if I took a walk with him to extend a nap. In the evening, V. and I would get to relax, reading (me) and watching tv together. I know that doesn't sound that exciting but it was nice to just be able to hang out together and because V. had gotten some rest, he didn't fall asleep until it was actually time for bed.

One pro and con was that D. was in a separate bedroom instead of being in a closet. Yes, that's right, D. sleeps in our walk-in closet. Until he sleeps thru the night on a regular basis, he cannot go into I.'s room so the only semi-private option is the closet. Because he was in a separate room, I had to rely on the monitor which broadcast every fart, snort, and snuffle directly in my ear until I figured out where to put the doggone thing. Still it led to many nighttime wakings. On the pro side, I was able to read a book in bed until I was sleepy which I haven't been able to do since the night of August 4th.

Now it's back to the school day grind. No more going back to sleep at 6:30 til 7:30 after feeding D. to get that extra hour. And it sounds like after tomorrow, I won't see V. until Saturday morning. A hard reentry but I'm thankful for a really nice family vacation.

Busy Week

2011-12-23T20:15:00.001-08:00

It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.

Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.

I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.

One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.

Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!

IT Happened Again

2011-12-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

The day started promising enough, D. went back to sleep after a 4:55 feeding and took a good nap until 11:30. I pumped around 11 and combined some past milk pumping into a bottle so that when he woke up, we could just leave and head to I.'s Christmas party.

All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.

So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.

And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.

I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.

Fighting the Spiral

2011-12-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...

Testing

2011-12-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

I should be going to bed right now since I've been up since 4:30 am. but as always, I try to stretch my adult, me time as much as possible. I'll be berating myself tomorrow morning I suspect.

It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.

We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.

We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.

All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.

For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.

One Year Later

2011-12-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Today, a year ago, I was coming home from the gym when I realized "Hey, I should have started my period about 5 days ago and I don't feel like I'm going to start anytime soon. Wait a minute....should I take a test? Nah, but just in case, I guess I should."

Reading back through my blogs of this time period, I was really trying to get my brain around this concept of a second kid and conquering my fear that this one would be another difficult kid (at least in the early days). I was scared, stressed, exhausted, and trying not to be overwhelmed with the what ifs. And I had to wait for V. to come home to break the news to him, unsure how exactly he would feel, unsure of exactly how I felt.

A year later here we are. I am convinced that we must have been blessed with the sweetest, happiest baby there ever was. Every day I can't believe that we got him. A large part of me cringes when I say this and feels bad as though by saying this, I am slighting I. somehow, finding fault. I don't mean it like that though. I feel like in order to really and truly make it in the world as a girl, you have to be extra tough - willing to stand up for yourself and for what is right and also be willing to argue. I had the first two but not the third. I hate to argue and will do anything to avoid it. However, I. has inherited from her daddy the will to stick with a point and stay with it (ie. argue) much to my present chagrin but I know it will serve her well in her journey to a successful life. I have a sneaking suspicion that I. is going to be my kid who is not necessarily the easiest to raise but will be the one I am exceedingly proud of.

Not to say that I won't be proud of D. because I will be but the days are early and I very well may be proud of different things for him. D. is already very different temperamentally from I. - he's easygoing, patient, and always cheerful. Even if he's only slept for 10 minutes, he's quick to smile at a stranger (usually a female) smiling at him and making direct eye contact. I so cherish the bathtime routine because this is when he really laughs, coos, and squeals. This is his ticklish, giggly time and it seems like no matter what I do, he's responding. While bathtime is probably my favorite time, book time with both I. and D. is my second favorite time. Now that he's old enough and is recognizing routines, we set him in the middle of I.'s pillow and lay down on both sides of him while I read 2 books. He gets so excited while I'm reading - his eyes open up wide, his arms and legs kicking and punching wiht excitement with various verbal noises being made. It's so cool to see another kid excited about books. I. was the same way at this age and look at her reading now! My third favorite time is when D. wakes up for feeing at 5:45ish, I feed him until 6:15 and then we snuggle in bed til 6:30. I open up the sliding glass door blinds so we can watch the sky lighten against the dark shadows of the trees. I cuddle up to him, taking in all his smells (hopefully I've changed him at this point into a clean diaper), seeing his arms move up and down, his hands clench and unclench, and watch his eyes and face serenely taking in all these sights.

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant, and a year later, I realize just how blessed I am. I am so thankful and so lucky.

Morning Bliss

2011-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the rocking chair in the early light of dawn, quietly nursing a snuggly sleepy baby, watching the sky get lighter and lighter against the dark contrast of the tall eucalyptus trees, I hear the beep of the coffeemaker announcing that there is a freshly brewed pot of coffee awaiting me.

Morning bliss.

Hmm Interesting (at least to me)

2011-12-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

Last time I was at my therapist's office, I told her how I've noticed feeling anxious and ultra sensitive to noise especially but also to the number of people swirling about. She wondered if it had anything to do with the last stressful moments of D.'s delivery. I really didn't even give it alot of thought and pretty much dismissed it out of hand because I ended up with such a wonderful kid.

Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.

It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.

Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.

D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.

The Morning After

2011-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

I did the last feeding late for D. last night (finished @11:10) so he woke up at 4:45am for his next feeding. Yes, part of me rejoiced that I got 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep but part of me was stressing because I had a sneaking suspicion that D. would not go back to sleep.

I was right, he didn't go back to sleep but I didn't feel too bad since my sleep was uninterrupted. I let him fuss in his bed for 30 minutes until it was 6:10 and starting to get light in my bedroom. Then I cranked open the blinds to let in more light and got him up. My thought process was that I only want to greet him and get him up for the day when it is nice and light. No, I can't make him go back to sleep at 5:30 but it's still dark then and if I get him up and start socializing with him while it is dark, this is sending the wrong message to him.

So at 6:10, I got him up, set him on the pillow with me with his head facing the sliding glass door with the great view of his favorite...big trees with light behind it...and we stared at the view and snuggled until 6:30. For someone who is definitely not a morning person (ME), it was a really sweet way to begin the day.

At 6:30, I.'s door popped open and it was time for me to start getting ready for the day. So I took D. into her room for their morning time and when I came into her room, she immediately said, "I saw what you wrote." with a big smile and read it to me. Then she said, "I wrote something for you." She turned the page and what do I see but that she has copied most of what I wrote for her but tailored it to her momma plus a little more. My heart was full. We've turned a new leaf now that she can read because now I can easily slip her notes of love here and there and not only can she read them, they touch her heart and soul.

I've been reading a lot lately and my major goal is to help her connect to and voice her emotions. She has the emotions of a female/me but the reticence of V. which is not a good combination. I've got my work cut out for me but this week I did well with helping her identify how she was feeling and right afterwards, it was like she couldn't stop telling me things about school and what was going on. Like the floodgates were opened so I know I'm on the right path. I just have to be diligent about it.

I.'s Journal

2011-12-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

We had I.'s parent teacher conference a couple of weeks ago and one thing she suggested since I. enjoyed it so much was to get a notebook/journal for I. to write and draw in for home use. So last week while she was on break, we got one.

She wanted me to write on the front of the notebook that it was her journal so I did that tonight. Then knowing that she would be eagerly writing in it first thing in the morning, I turned a new page and wrote all the positive things that I. is. I have a feeling that she will be tickled to discover it in the morning.

Yesterday, I previewed the annual photo book that we give our parents to I. When she saw the photos and heard what I wrote, she snuggled under my arm and said, "Mommy you're so special." I asked her if what I wrote made her feel warm and happy inside and she said "yes" and snuggled deeper against me. It made it all worth it.

I can imagine what she will feel when she opens her journal and reads what I have written about her, my awesome baby girl.

Best Thanksgiving Week Ever

2011-11-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

The first day of I.'s vacation was not a fluke because we followed it up with 2 more great days. Tuesday after the babysitter arrived, I. and I went to the gym by ourselves and then to the grocery store. This may not sound very exciting but it was for us since it was just the two of us. Funny how what was once the norm is now special. We got done with the store in good time so I decided to take us to lunch at Pick Up Stix to maximize our time before heading home. As we sat waiting for our food, I. kept looking at me and then hugging me, so happy to be together and when we walked to the car, she said thank you for taking her to lunch. It felt really good. After we got home and I unloaded the groceries and fed D., I surprised I. with a short visit to the zoo. Even though it was short it was fun and was D.'s first official visit to the zoo. After almost 6 years of walking around the zoo with just I., it felt weird to have 2 kids with me. I guess it's going to take a while to get used to that.

Wednesday was another good day mainly hanging out at home. I needed to make our Thanksgiving dish and realized that I. was not only old enough to really help me, she would probably really enjoy it. I was right on both counts and I enjoyed having a daughter old enough to work side by side and make a recipe together. I can easily see this becoming a tradition of ours.

Today was Thanksgiving and it turned out well. My sister was not there so there was no family drama or stress to deal with. I. didn't get in bed too late at my parents' house but she was exhausted enough to come over to me at the dinner table and tell me that she was really tired. And D., aka Little What's It, made it through the day without crying. Thankfully, he took a 2.5 hour nap this morning and then I napped him in the sling for about 45 minutes in the afternoon. Aside from that though, he just hung in there studying everyone's faces and breaking out the big smiles all afternoon long. I don't know that I've ever met a better natured baby and I don't mean that because he's mine. I am still shocked that he is the way he is because I honestly that that all V. and I. made were feisty, sometimes gnarly, kids. He fell asleep for 30 minutes on the way home and even though he went to bed 2 hours later than his normal bedtime, he nursed and went right down after we got home. I've got my fingers crossed for tonight though - I'm hoping that it doesn't affect the rest of the night's sleep. He's been in a good groove the last 3 nights and it would be nice if it could become the new "normal". But I guess I'll see soon enough...

I. is vacationing for the next 3 days at my parents' house and they have all sorts of fun lined up. I can honestly say that I am really going to miss her. Sometimes the first day is more relief than missing her but after the good times she and I had this week, playing, relaxing, snuggling, and hanging out, I'm just going to be plain missing her. It will be interesting to just have D. by himself for 3 days. I plan on concentrating on enjoying all the little things while it's just him by himself.

This was the best week I've had in over 3 months and for it to fall on the week of Thanksgiving is/was perfect. So thankful for everything in my life!

Ingredient for a Good Day (Monday)

2011-11-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

The ingredients of a good day. Time to play and hang out one on one with I. Extra playtime with D. Time to continue making a dent in the never-ending laundry. A much needed Costco run. Very little crying From either child. Decent naps for D. Lots of love and smiles from both kids. Both kids asleep by 5:15. Hubby walks into a cozy house that smells of roast chicken complete with newly showered wife.

Sounds like a dream but I actually pulled it off today. First day of Thanksgiving vacation = success! Trust me, it was a fluke. But it sure did feel good.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

A Little Confused

2011-11-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

I'm a little confused by how I'm feeling tonight and trying to sort it out. Hopefully this post will help me work it out. As a caveat, may I say that I know I love my kids, my husband, and my life. It's just sometimes I can't "feel" it, and I mean that literally.

So I was hoping for a little more sleep last night since I didn't have to get up by a certain time to get I. to school. It's always a crap shoot with a 3 month old but every so often, his timing works out for me. Last night I thought it was going to work out for me again because he slept 5 hours straight until 3am. As I sat there feeding him until 3:30, I was hopeful since he should have slept about 3-3.5 more hours which would put me at 6:30 or maybe even 7, scoring me a total of 8 hours of sleep which I haven't had since before he was born. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I put him back down and he fussed, burped, and then cried for a bit until I got back up and shook that bed for all it was worth and then set the vibrating function on the bed. By 4:15 he was asleep and I still was hopeful that I could get at least 2 more hours of sleep. Nope - he was up at 5:45 and do I really need to describe how it feels to be woken up from a deep sleep after an hour or so of sleep?

But I made the best of it and by 9am, I had him fed and down for his morning nap, the college girl had arrived and I. and I were ready to go. We spent the rest of the morning at Chuck E. Cheese playing together the whole time and it was really great. It just seemed so uncomplicated and easy with it just being the two of us again. I kept thinking how before D., I took these times for granted and that kind of bummed me out a little. On the flip side, and one that I need to concentrate on more, it made our present and future just-the-two-of-us times together so special and both of us appreciated today that much more. Of course, seeing how thankful I. was and how happy she was to be the only one with me made me feel sad too. Really, how complicated and confusing can being a mother possibly be. It truly is a double edged sword kind of job.

After we got home, I fed D. and the three of us went to get yogurt which was also part of I.'s dream day. After I fed D. yet again and got him down for his 30 minute nap, I. and I did a puzzle together and then it was time for the dinner/bedtime push with the 11 pound boy strapped sleeping to my chest. To say that I was physically pooped is stating the obvious. I made it through though and had both of them in bed by 5:30 (not freaking bad).

But then as I took my shower, the conflicting emotions began. Happy in mind but not feeling it emotionally that we got our one on one time today and that she really loved it. Sad because it was taken for granted before. I noticed today and also last weekend at I.'s birthday party that I'm having a hard time feeling connected emotionally sometimes. It's like I'm observing that the party/Chuck E. Cheese is going great and isn't it wonderful how happy I. is but emotionally I don't feel it like I normally would; I feel numb much of the time. It bothers me a lot this disconnect. I don't know what's causing it for certain and that worries me. Of course, it could be my interrupted sleep and the fact that I've been getting about 3 hours less sleep a day than I need for the past 3 months. I mean, that kind of accumulation is going to take its toll. Or perhaps it's just feeling emotionally tapped out sometimes. Or a combination of the two?

For instance, today is Friday and I've been having that numb, disconnected feeling throughout the day. Then I think of the week. I was the only parent on call and on hand all day and all night since Sunday except for my parents helping with the afternoon and bathtime on Wednesday. That's 4 full days of being solo 24/7. Maybe this plays a part in my feelings?

Lastly, V. and the girls are on the way down tonight for the weekend and while I am glad they are coming down especially for I.'s sake, for some reason I feel anxious about it. I remember the last time they came I felt anxious about it too. It's not them so much as I feel like the walls are closing in when there are so many people in this kind of small house. A claustraphobic type of thing.

What a whack job I sound like. I think if I was an algebra equation it would go like this: physical exhaustion + emotionally taxed = anxiety.

Good Stuff

2011-11-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

Today I got D. to laugh....finally. For the last month, he has almost laughed. He opens his mouth up as wide as it can go and then almost laughs but no sound comes out. Then he gets the hiccups, as though he's laughed.

Tonight though I discovered a ticklish area between his upper chest and armpit. I wiggled around there and his mouth popped wide open. I wiggled around there some more and not only did his mouth pop wide open, this sound came out "Huh huh huh" It was a gut laugh. It got me laughing because there truly is nothing quite like a baby's gut laugh (see YouTube). I'm on a high from seeing his smile and hearing his laugh.

The other thing D. does that endears him to me is when he's in my arms and I'm talking to him and kissing him, he smiles at me, opens his mouth wide and then ducks his head to snuggle against my chest. It's like he's overcome with feelings towards me that he just has to turn against me and snuggle. Aaaahhhh...endorphins.

The other great thing is that tomorrow I. doesn't have school but the college girl is still coming in the morning. Two mornings a week, I've started having a trustworthy college girl come over to man the house while D. is taking his morning nap. It allows me to get errands done or go to the gym or take care of appointments while he is asleep. I agonized awhile over this because I do not want to miss ANY of D.'s awake time. It's so limited right now and these early days will never come again so I don't want to miss any of it. But if he's asleep for 2.5-3 hours, he'll never miss me and I can get a heck of alot of things done plus it's good to get out of the house for something other than dropping off and picking I. up from school.

Anyways, tomorrow I. and I are getting out by ourselves like the good ole days. I told her a week ago to start thinking about what she would want us to do and she immediately said, "Chuck E. Cheese and you can go on that ride with me that you couldn't when we took D. and then we could go get some frozen yogurt afterwards." So that's what we are going to do. And I am really looking forward to getting a few hours for just the two of us. The neat thing is that she is excited too. Funny how the stuff that we took for granted not that long ago is such a treat for us now.

Evening Observations

2011-11-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

Quick thoughts before heading to bed...

My baby girl is turning 6 on Wednesday. Why I thought that having 2 kids would make it easier is beyond me. I'll be teary eyed as I write her birthday letter tomorrow night. Six years ago tonight is when I went into labor with her. I'm so proud of her. By her sheer determination, she has taught herself how to read. I love hanging out with her side by side, listening to what she says because it gives me a glimpse into her complicated, but always thinking brain. The way her brain works and her heart feels is more like me every year but the way she deals with negative and strong emotions is more like V. which causes a real internal conflict. God help me to know how to help her with that.

My baby boy just turned 3 months yesterday. In some ways it seems like yesterday he was here and in many ways it seems like forever thanks to the nighttime feedings and not enough sleep. He continues to amaze me with his good nature. That really is the phrase to describe him. He can doze off for 10 minutes, wake up, and smile at me. Of course, don't get me wrong, he is still a little guy. So after he woke up at 5:15am this morning for the day, by 7:15 he was miserably tired and crying off and on until I put him in the sling. Then he quietly communed with my chest though not falling asleep until it was time to take I. to school. On the way home, he cried intermittently for 5 minutes and then passed out. As the mother of an intense first child, I have to say I really, really appreciate that. I. would have just gone to the red zone and screamed without falling asleep until I took her out of that damn car seat. Like I said, good natured this boy is and I'll add calm, easy going, and happy to the mix. That being said, I still only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night...

An Open Letter to SDGE

2011-10-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

Dear SDGE,

I wanted to tell you just how much I appreciated another power outage last night. Though I know you don't care how every failure on your part to deliver the energy that we pay so dearly for directly affects our household, I thought I'd tell you anyway.

When the power goes off for the entire night, not just a couple of hours, it causes problems in my household. First of all, all children's nightlights are extinguished which in the world of a child is a very big deal. Then the fan which moves the air around the room turns off leading to a very stuffy room, not conducive for falling back asleep. Finally, it results in the white noise machine shutting off. What that leaves me with is a 5 year old's silent, stuffy, and pitch black room.

And of course, this 5 year old happens to wake up right at 2am when I am nursing her 2 month old brother. Since I'm the only one on night duty, I had to go into her room to soothe her quietly with a baby hanging off my...(well you don't need to know all about that) and tell her that she just had to go back to sleep, everything is okay. It was a hard sell and I was very lucky that she took it with the least amount of fuss.

Problem was that the 2 month took this talking of mine to mean that this wasn't merely a middle of the night feeding, it was a wake up/stay up feeding which did not bode well for me. I couldn't let him cry it out a little to wear himself out because may I remind you, the 5 year old had no white noise machine and his crying would have triggered her calling for me and oh that would have been very bad indeed.

So instead, I had to keep repositioning him every 10 minutes or so since he inchworms himself somehow fully swaddled all over the crib, kept resetting the vibration to try and calm him, and jiggling the crap out of it when all else failed. The feeding started at 2am but all this jiggling and crap lasted from 2:30-4:00am. By this point, I realized he was going to be ready for another feeding soon, so I just nursed him for another 20 minutes, hoping that he would finally give it up and fall asleep.

Thankfully, it worked and he went to sleep. However, after this high state of alert for hours, I couldn't fall asleep. Soon it was 6:20 and he was crying to eat again. Lo and behold, now the power was back on. I was able to grab an hour or so of sleep after this feeding because I took him downstairs to his father who had enjoyed a silent, uninterrupted night of sleep. But that still brings my grand total of sleep to a whopping 4.5 hours, definitely not enough to feel good, patient, and cheerful for the day. That is going to involve a lot of effort on my part.

So thank you again. I'll be sure and remember all this when it's time to send you the money to pay you for the energy you sometimes deliver to us when you feel like it and I'll definitely remember this when I see another article about how you have to raise your rates.

Sincerely,

A thoroughly dissatisfied, tired, and pissed off customer

More Good Stuff

2011-10-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

Some more good stuff to celebrate after a physically ill weekend:

Is it wrong that I am so stoked with how much D. talks to me and the way that he smiles at me? He smiles at other people but I swear if you could see how he looks straight into my eyes and then his smile overtakes his entire face and being, you would see what I'm talking about. It just does something to me physically, to my heart, to my soul. His eyes and expression reach into me and touch something so deep that it makes me tear up without realizing it but with a huge smile on my face. He smiles at others and may coo here and there at I. and V. but not to the extent and immediately like he does with me. Maybe I shouldn't be so happy about it but honestly, after all the physical sacrifices I've made willingly for this little guy and the ongoing challenges I've been facing as a result, there should be some additional benefits I reap as a result, right?

This afternoon, D. decided he wasn't going to fall asleep for an afternoon nap after he shot out a dump so I gave I. a heads up that resty time was over, threw him into the sling on me, and we headed out for a nature walk so that both of us could get some fresh fall air while D. took a much needed nap. It turned into a blessing for all concerned. D. fell asleep immediately which was the entire point. I. enjoyed looking at the Halloween decorations around the neighborhood plus gathering up autumn leaves etc. in a bag I gave her before we left. And I enjoyed the warm sun and cool air of typical San Diego fall weather plus hearing I. telling me several times how great this nature walk was and how much fun she was having. With all the challenges I've been having with her, the adjustments to two kids, and feeling like I wasn't doing a good job with both of them, it was wonderful to see her happy and basking in our nature walk. We will have to do this more often.

Good Stuff

2011-10-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Here's two things that fit into this category.

One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.

The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.

Frustrating Step Back

2011-10-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

D. had his 2 month checkup and shots yesterday and with that came some not so good news. It appears that we are back to weight issues. D. has gained weight but only the amount that a 1 month old should have gained, not a 2 month old. He's gotten longer by 2" but the pediatrician is worried that he is not getting enough calories and as she put it, "This is a key time for brain development and for that to happen, he needs sufficient calories." Let me translate this to what I heard, "You are starving your son. Your milk is not sufficient to sustain him and it's not good enough." So we're back to the supplemental feedings which I hated the first time around and most likely will the second time around, if not more. I try to remind myself that this is one of those things where it's the end result that is important, not how you get there. I may get that mentally a little but emotionally, it's hard for me. I don't want to jeopardize my breastfeeding of D. It was one of the things that I really wanted to experience again and appreciate more the second time around. But of course, I don't want to jeopardize D.'s development and future health just so I can live out my breast-only dream. It's a delicate balance that I'm going to have to navigate and try not to stress over. But it's going to be difficult.

D. didn't like the bottle nipple yesterday so I got a new nipple that he took this afternoon. However, for bedtime he was gagging on it but that may have been because he was already full. I'm not able to get enough pumping to supplement so I will have to sub in some formula. Ugh. Tomorrow when he gets up from his morning nap, I'm going to head back to the hospital and take advantage of a resource. They will weigh him, allow me to do a complete feeding, and then weigh him again which will tell me how many ounces he's getting from me so that I will know how many ounces he needs additionally. Again, it's taking something so simple and making it complicated which is very frustrating to me. But if my good natured baby is so good natured that he isn't crying when he needs more calories, it's really up to me to give him the extra calories regardless of whether it's frustrating, a hassle, or emotionally hard on me to take.

That is the measure of a good parent.

Exercise Outlet

2011-10-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

After posting on Friday night it was hard not to think about T. and pancreatic cancer whenever I woke up during the night. It was hard to pray, I was angry. When I was trying to fall back asleep after a feeding or waking up, the first thing I thought of was how, when Mark was sick and during his final week of life, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that he was sick and dying. And then I thought this was probably the first thing on T.'s mind when he woke up and it made me so sad. I wonder if there is such a thing as being too empathetic? I mean, seriously do other people feel and think this much when others go through similar situations? Not that I'm equating losing Mark with T. losing his wife of 21 years because I'm not. It's really ripped off a scab that I thought was healed. I guess it's a scab that never really heals.

I made a conscious decision to take any and all advantages this weeked to get some exercise. After relying on exercise since I was 24 as my stress relief, it's hard not to be working out for the past 7 weeks. I've been using resistance bands and some free weights for upper body stuff but trying to do cardio in the living room is really difficult. I know that my anxiety level skyrockets with less sleep and no vigorous exercise outlet so it's no surprise that anxiety is a problem. As luck would have it, V. did his Saturday workout on Friday which allowed me to go out by myself for a short time on Saturday. With all the pent up anger about T.s' wife, I decided to head over to Miramar Lake, go down to the dirt path, and jog/walk. It was nice weather, fall-like, and the jogging got some of my anger out. I felt really good afterwards and for the rest of the day. Today we took shifts at the gym and I was able to get another workout in. It feels good to have my muscles sore from healthy exercise for a change.

We'll see how this week goes. V. may be gone most of this week too, we'll have to see. Making it through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime with 2 parents is so much easier. When it's just me, it's still overwhelming and usually both kids are crying about different things during all or some of it. It's exhausting. I am hoping that as D. gets older, some aspects of it will get easier but we'll have to see if that's true.

Upset Almost Beyond Words

2011-09-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've started this post several times and still haven't found a good way. I'll just state the facts. I haven't seen my good friend T. since I was 7 months pregnant. We've been really close friends for almost 12 years. Besides Mark, he was my closest friend. In some ways he was my closest friend because I didn't feel like I needed to look out for him and protect him. He was at my hospital bedside during the really bad times and that was the only time I saw him shed a tear. Otherwise, he's a 6'4", 225 lb. cop - tough on the outside but a really nice guy on the inside. I texted him after I had D. to see if we could visit but he texted back that he was super busy and would get back to me. I left a voicemail 3 wks. ago and didn't hear back. I figured he was busy. But then last Friday I sent him a text of D. pics and didn't hear back from him, not even a comment. That's when I thought something wasn't right.

This morning while D. was asleep, I texted him "Are you okay? I'm just checking on you." He texted back awhile later to call him and since I was on my way to pick up I., I stuck the headset in and called him.

He tells me that his wife (they are both in their 40's) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Just like Mark, it's already stage 4 and has spread. They flew her up to SF to the best of care to start chemo and see if she can get into any trials. And as he's telling me his voice begins cracking with emotion and it just kills me. I had to pull over to the side of the road when he told me because it just hit me so hard. But I had to keep going to pick I. up on time so as I drive with D. in the back seat and my tired synapses trying to fire on all cylinders, I try to talk to him with sensitivity and without by accident saying insensitive things. I listened and just tried to encourage him. There was a sense of deja vu. On top of it, his stepfather (his dad died when T. was 12) was diagnosed a month ago with 2 types of cancer and things are grim for him too.

I can't write any more right now. It's just a swirl of deja vu and sadness. And it's the same kind of cancer as Mark - that makes it more upsetting. I'll pray for them during my nighttime feedings (that's what I do to stay awake) but right now I'm kind of pissed off with God. It just doesn't seem fair and although I know that God could heal her if He wanted, my cynical side from my experience with Mark makes me think that He won't. And she'll die and leave a young good husband and 3 boys here to suffer.

Rough Night

2011-09-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was something out of a torture chamber. Seriously. It went from Little Shop of Horrors to Gitmo. What caused this torture was that I was forced to change what D. was sleeping on in his bassinet because of major safety issues. It was non-negotiable however, I knew it was going to cause problems with his sleeping, at least initially. Boy, was I ever right. Morning nap was shorter and afternoon nap was a 30 minute joke. I was stressing because if he doesn't sleep well during the day, going to sleep and staying asleep at night is going to be a problem. I'll just cut to the chase of how last night ended - even though I was exhausted by 10pm, I was not "allowed" to fall asleep until 3:30am. Then I slept til the alarm went off at 6:30.

The jury is still out for today. He woke up crying a couple of times in morning nap, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, but overall got a 2 1/2 hour morning nap. This afternoon, he was up after 45 minutes. Tonight I put him down asleep and he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I was able to soothe him quickly and he went back to sleep. It's not an auspicious start though. I really need a "normal" night's sleep tonight - nothing huge, just 6 hours would be just fine by me. My thinking is that he was only used to that other way of sleeping for 7 weeks so he should be able to adapt to this new way in 2 or 3 days. We'll see how accurate that thinking is.

In the middle of the night while I was being tortured, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening today. So I studied what was pissing D. off (lying on his back) and tried to think of how safely to address it. So I McGyvered something with wedges and blue painter's tape to see if D. could safely sleep on his side, which is what he wants. I also moved the bassinet into the walk-in closet to see if that would help with afternoon nap and his early bedtime because my bedroom is light at those 2 times of day. He has morning nap in I.'s dark room and that usually is more successful thus my experiment with the walk-in closet. I think being a second time around momma has taught me to just keep trying different things if the first thing doesn't work. You just keep trying and studying what is working and what is not working and adjusting from there.

So I sound like I'm doing well emotionally, huh? Well, not really. V. had to stay up in LA this whole week and even though he may not help with the kids anyways when he is in town due to their early bedtimes and his hellacious work schedule, knowing that I will have his company later on that day and another adult in the house overnight helps me emotionally. If I'm getting the normal 5-6 hours of total sleep and things are going okay, I can make it. But when night sleep is down to nothing and every afternoon is fraught with I.'s angst, I feel so alone. Which leads to those feelings of failure and utter sadness. Things with I. continue to be rough every afternoon. It feels like afternoons at home with me are such a letdown after a morning of kindergarten. She acts so unhappy that afternoons are not just fun, fun, fun and that I'm always telling her what to do, fixing her meals she's not happy about, and not doing the things she wants. I know it's part of the adjustment period of both the second kid and kindergarten but it makes me feel like such a failure to her as a mother and feeds into what I feel like...that everyone else is for fun and me, I'm just the person telling her what she's having for a meal and what to do. But I'm the only one here and yes damnit, she does need to pick up her clothes off the floor and put them away and yes damnit it is time for a bath and you need to mind what I'm saying. So I just get to be the bad guy and everyone else gets to be entertainment. It's so hard and it makes me feel so bad. I pray that as I get more sleep which will lead to more patience and more energy, things will get better. I think as D. gets older and can stay awake for longer stretches, that will make a huge difference too because it will give me more freedom to plan something for us to do without being on an hour and a half tether like I am now.

Tough times but I'm still relishing those big gummy smiles that D. gives me and how his tongue is moving around as he tries to communicate. And those sweet coos...those are even better. I'm just trying to hang onto those moments as much as possible and enjoy them to the fullest instead of these sleepless nights because I know both will pass and while I won't miss those sleepless nights, I will miss those first smiles and the wonder of his first attempts at communication. I've just got to make it through without going down the road to depression and that's the scary part.

High Anxiety

2011-09-25T09:45:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.

This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.

So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.

Progress?

2011-09-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been 11 days since my last post and I'm still dreaming of that restful night with the bedroom all to myself. Probably why I haven't posted since.

Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.

The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.

V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.

D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!

Hanging In There

2011-09-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

Two days later and I'm still standing so I guess that's success these days. Saturday, my nighttime survival plan consisted of putting D. in the sling and getting him to sleep as quickly as possible. Not so I could put him in his bed but so that I could carefully fall into mybed and get some sort of sleep or at the very least get off my feet. And it worked. I didn't get tons of sleep but more than the night before and I feel like I have a stop-gap measure in my arsenal for those bad nights.

Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.

This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.

I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.

This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.

Things Aren't So Good

2011-09-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten really tough around here. D. has gotten more fussy and unpredictable with his sleep. I'll have 2 or 3 decent nights of sleep with decent meaning getting up twice a night but D. going back to sleep relatively quickly. Then I'll have a nightmare of a night like last night. He got up to eat at 12:45 but then wouldn't go back to sleep until 3:20. Not going back to sleep means I'm pacing the bedroom with him in a sling, practically falling asleep on my feet and knowing that I'm once again doing damage to my nether region. Finally at 3:20, he fell asleep enough that I could lie on the bed and pass out with him on me until 4:15 when I woke up with my body all contorted and placed him carefully in the crib next to me. I dropped back in bed exhausted and slept all of 45 minutes when he woke up to eat at 5:00. Thank God today was Saturday so I didn't have to get up with an alarm so after I finished feeding him and he fell asleep quickly, we slept from 5:45 to 8:00. But I am exhausted. Totally.

Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.

I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.

To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.

So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is that it's almost time to feed him again and there really hasn't been any time to myself. That is, relaxing, anxiety-free time to myself. This is exactly how it was with I. too and brings back the memory of sobbing down in the laundry room because it was the farthest place I could get from her without leaving the house.

I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.

I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.

Kindergarten Eve

2011-09-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

...sigh...

The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.

I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.

It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.

...sigh...

Spittin' Mad or Just Plain Hurt

2011-09-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough day in a couple of ways. First of all, D. was extra fussy from the morning all the way til midnight. Lots of patience, lots of boob. As a result of the lots of boob and the way D. nurses, one of my nipples is so bruised and sore that latching him on sends me to the moon and not in a good way. I've spent some time tonight watching latching videos to try to remedy this because I am in pain. Hopefully, I can put the info tips to good use and fix this sooner rather than later.

The other part of yesterday that was also out of my control. V.'s exwife's older sister was in town to visit her son who just moved here this month. The whole family is from New York and he went to school with this sister so he invited her and her son over for a BBQ at our place. I was totally cool with that. Then his exwife says she is going to drive down with the girls and come to the BBQ. Okay, so that's a little weird kind of, but okay.

So here is how the disaster began. I. was so looking forward to her sisters coming over and patience in a 5 year old is very limited resulting in her asking constantly, "When are they coming?" Well they piled in an hour and a half late and when they piled in, there wasn't 5 of them, there were 8 people. On top of that, they pile into my home and the people I haven't met before don't bother to say hello to me or introduce themselves so I know who the hell they are.

Then they had brought a container of margaritas that I didn't even know about and proceeded to pour them out for everyone of the age except for me since I was upstairs with D. But when I came down no one still offered me any or had poured me one for when I came back downstairs. V. and I proceeded to work our butts off even though I wasn't supposed to be doing anything on my feet to help with healing. I didn't mind helping V. but it was just annoying to me that no one even offered to help. They just sat there drinking and talking with each other, not even including us in the convo. I mean, I don't expect my guests to work but come on, I just had a kid so an offer would have been appreciated.

Now everyone was eating and socializing. I on the other hand, was feeding I. dinner, then feeding D, grabbing I. for bath and bed, then switching to get D. for bath. It was kind of ridiculous. I hadn't eaten lunch because they were supposed to be there at 2pm and now I'm not even getting dinner. Everyone else was having fun and I'm like the fucking nanny (after being sous chef), running around taking care of the kids while all the adults have fun. It sucked. And it hurt. Part of me being upstairs with the kids was because when I was downstairs, I was basically ignored and it made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was on V.'s team helping him with preparation and such and then he just ditched me. I didn't expect him to be doing the kid duties since this was his social circle of people. What I did expect was for him to pour me a margarita and make sure there was a plate of food for me to eat. You know, take care of me. Look out for me since I was having to look out for our kids and put them first.

Then after I went upstairs with D. everyone took off without saying goodbye even though I was just down there to get D. It was just so disappointing to me because I really was looking forward to the party at least for the entertainment value. I had even thought up some questions to ask since I tend to get tonguetied with people I don't know. And to be treated and excluded like the hired help in my own home was beyond hurtful.

As I sat on the ground, chewing on the leftovers for my dinner, I told V. how I felt because although he had figured out I was upset, he didn't know why. I think he got it but true to form, he found it difficult to physically comfort me (a hug, a kiss) or to verbally acknowledge it and empathize with me. He didn't disagree with me though so I know he knew what I said was true. And later on, when I was tearing up, he told D. "Let's go sit next to Mommy." and he moved over and sat down up against me which is unusual. That made me feel better but still the hurt lingers. I know it touched something deep down from high school times and something that continues to plague me.

Let's just say that I can see why V. is no longer married to the exwife. Her and her sister may be entertaining in an obnoxious way but the selfishness, self-centeredness, and no consideration for anyone else is very evident. Being married to that would be exhausting and you would have to constantly be looking out for yourself because they certainly wouldn't.

Well, had to get that out so I can move on. Now I need to relax and get ready for the last feeding of D. Hopefully tonight will be uneventful and I will get some sleep.

I'm Still Standing

2011-09-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still standing...yeah, yeah, yeah Remember that Elton John song from long ago?!

I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.

Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.

On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...

The Early Days

2011-08-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that being a mother to 2 kids is a change, one that slowly I am getting used to and hopefully getting better at juggling each and every day. I have discovered a huge benefit to being a mother of two though - being able to enjoy and love the early days of a baby.

When I first had I., everything was new and confusing and though I loved being home with her, I know I was a little off kilter trying to figure out what this new baby was all about and how to handle being at home with her by myself all day long.

This time around, I have a better understanding of the foundational elements. The fact that D. is going to want to go to sleep about 1 hour and 45 minutes after he's woken up. The fact that he is going to want to eat every 2-3 hours. That kind of foundational stuff. It also helps greatly that I. was a difficult baby from day one. She liked to be entertained and constantly stimulated and had a hard time soothing herself down from being upset or to going to sleep. Funny how not much has changed with her in respect to any of these things.

So with the foundational elements out of the way and the knowledge that one, this is my last baby and two, these early days go by so quickly and you never ever get them back, I am greatly enjoying D.'s early days. Instead of the days feeling slightly stifling with their simplicity, they feel like a splurge, an indulgence of my motherly senses. I smell the top of his velvet head constantly throughout the day. I stroke the softness of his skin. I feel the loose skin on his thighs which someday will be filled with strong muscles that propel him away from me and into his own future life. I enjoy wrapping him tightly against me and carrying him around, just as though he was back in the womb. I just enjoy HIM and find myself mentally stopping to be in the moment and savoring it.

The early days...a blessing that is best appreciate the second time around.

A Brief Bitchy Moment

2011-08-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.

Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.

Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.

But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.

My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.

A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.

Coming Up for Air

2011-08-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

A lot of life changing events have happened since I last posted. I will do a post solely about delivering my son. MY SON. Wow, that is amazing just to type let alone to actually have gone through it. And boy, did I go through it. But that's a separate post when I have a sufficient amount of time to dedicate to it. Which is not right now.

Right now is just me coming up for air for just a moment. But enough of a moment that I want to document how I feel about this little guy and the early days of his life. His name is Dominic and he really is a beautiful little guy. Not only that, and my fingers are still crossed that this is really how he is and not just the early honeymoon period, he has the most amazing disposition and has had this disposition from the moment he came into this world. He is alert - his dark blue searching faces, lights, movements and quietly, contentedly, and watchfully taking everything in. When he turns his eyes to you, you feel him looking at you, studying you. He is happy to just chill out and look around. If he sees something that interests him, his arms and legs start kicking out and moving around, just like when he was in the womb. He doesn't cry much. Even if you're changing his diaper, he registers his discontent about the cold wipes and air but as long as you are quick about it, he squawks and yells once and then patiently waits. Of course all bets are off if he's hungry but even then, he isn't frantic, impatient, and quick to cry like I. was. He is just a sweet sweet baby. V. and I look at him and wonder how he came from us considering the force of nature that I. is. But it looks like maybe God answered our prayers for a healthy but easier child the second time around. In a way it makes me appreciate I. even more for her temperament and it definitely makes me appreciate D. even more for his uniqueness.

I am totally in love with D. - his smell, his little face and expressions, his fingers and feet. Everything about him, I just want to drink up, smell up, kiss up. Not to say that the first week wasn't tough because it was and there are still some challenges that make daily life hard. But things are better this week and I feel like some of the issues/challenges are getting fixed/solved so there is more hope than last week. Getting used to two is hard at times and my organization and time skills really have had to come into play. Yesterday was my first day on my own and we all survived. The day flew by with trying to juggle both kids and I.'s insistence on her routine makes things tricky. I realize though that next week is her last week before kindergarten which makes me sad in many ways but I know that once I get her to school in the morning, things will be simpler for a few hours until it's time for her to come home. Who am I kidding though? I am going to be extremely sad when I. goes to kindergarten. I don't like major changes and endings and this definitely falls under that category. I'll just enjoy the days I have with her until then and look forward to school vacations just like the rest of the mommas with school age kids.

Belly Developments

2011-08-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning Day 2 of contractions. Yesterday's were 20 minutes apart and this morning they look more like 15 minutes or so. They aren't particularly painful so I still was able to get some sleep last night. Now that I've been through this before, I appreciate the need to get as much sleep and rest as possible early in the process.

My OB appt. is later on this morning and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable cervical exam. I would like him to be able to feel it and tell me if there is any change but not at the cost of my future sexual well-being. It would only be fair if I could kick him in the balls beforehand so that he experience the level of pain I am feeling while he's trying to get down and around the baby's head. Maybe then I'd call it even. In my birth plan, I've requested a nurse who is ameniable to drug-free labor. I'm reconsidering changing that requirement to the nurse who has the smallest hand width. I think that would be a much better choice.

If there is anything notable to report from the appts. today, I'll update.

Made It Through the Weekend

2011-08-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Whew, there were times this weekend when I wasn't sure I was going to make it without kicking off the labor festivities but we did. After 3 days of VBS for I. and some necessary errrands for me, I skidded into Saturday to discover that I really had no energy left which is an odd feeling to me. Even when I say I'm exhausted, I usually push through and have enough to continue. Not Saturday. My sleep on Friday night was interrupted by pressure in the nether regions and pain in my belly (probably contractions) that were uncomfortable enough to wake me up and keep me up until they subsided. By the time 10:30am rolled around and we were ready to head to the gym, I was pooped. So V. and I. went to the gym and believe it or not, I just laid back down on the bed and happily rested. I say happily because usually when I am resting, my mind is off on what I should be, could be doing with this unusual alone time but not Saturday. I was content to just lie there, read and close my eyes. I was officially pooped out.

Yesterday we got the grocery shopping done while V. was here since I suspected that another trip of lugging and unpacking would prove too much. Good thing too since contractions started hitting halfway through the shopping trip.

I think the word on the street, to borrow a phrase out of Sesame Street, is "uncomfortable". Most everything is uncomfortable for me. Rolling in bed, getting up, bending over, just sitting down - none of it feels good. My only true pleasure at this point is my shower. Feeling that warm water on my skin still gives true relief.

This morning, it's back to VBS for 3 more days hopefully. I. is having a great time and that makes me happy. And I'm getting a few more hours of alone time before this little boy makes his appearance. The afternoons give I. and I a little time together to color, do puzzles, and just hang out together, us girls. A little slice of quiet happiness in our life balanced with excitement and uncertainty.

TMI

2011-07-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a weird sort of Twilight Zone day that leads me to believe that I am in the pre-labor warm up dance. First of all, the title of this post is TMI and if you don't know what that stands for, you shouldn't be reading this sad little blog in the first place. You've been warned.

Here's the rundown of yesterday's oddities: lots of pressure and sharp pain in my upper thighs, lower abdomen, and butthole. Yep, that's right sharp pains in my butthole. Pleasant isn't it? If that didn't put you off your breakfast, this might: I went the bathroom, as in loose #2's, no less than 6 times yesterday. Add that to having to pee every 10 minutes and it's a miracle I was able to even leave the house! So that whole evacuation thing was strange just by itself. Then last night, the B/H contractions ramped up to every 10 minutes for a couple of hours until I cried "Uncle" and went to bed.

V. wasn't home last night so at bathroom break #3 at 5am. this morning, the racing what-if thoughts started up. What if my OB appt. or baby testing appt. this morning showed something that had to be dealt with immediately? How would I get I. from Vacation Bible School? Who would I call first? How would someone else pick up I. without the car seat? Well, after an hour and a half of worrying and fruitlessly trying to relax and fall asleep, I gave up. At least I won't be rushing around this morning. But I will be tired seeing as I had a hard time going to sleep (it was probably close to 11) and then getting up at 5. I've been needing 9 hours of sleep and I got about 6 so it's going to be an uphill kind of day.

We'll see what the appts. show this morning. V. will be home tonight and I'm not letting him spend the night elsewhere until after the baby is born so hopefully that will prevent these what-if racing thoughts.

One more quick thing before I run to get ready. I forgot to post this after last Thursday's OB appt. and maybe it's just me but this was another WEIRD moment for me. But maybe it's just me, it really could be, I'm just really strange about things.

My OB is a nice older man, as in late 60's I would guess and looks pretty much like his age. Glasses, gray hair, a little balding, walks around in his white coat and most importantly, he looks like a doctor. Which is good if he's your OBGYN. Because if someone is looking down THERE, I want him to look more like a doctor than a man. See, it's getting weird already and I'm not even to the weird part. Last week was the first internal exam of the pregnancy (gotta love being a woman) and I made it through. A little while later, I. and I are walking through the parking lot to our car when this convertible, sporty BMW starts to pass us and I hear, "Hi!" I look over and it's my doctor. In a sporty, convertible BMW (did I mention that?) with a snazzy checkered short sleeve shirt, no glasses and looking probably 10 years younger. The problem being he looks like a man, not a doctor. To make matters worse, he looks like some of the men who have flirted with me in the past (before I got knocked up). I've always attracted older men - I seem to work on a 20 year sliding scale. In my 20s, the men were 40s, and now that I'm 40s, they are 60s. Guess when I hit 60s, I won't have too much to worry about - hah!!

The whole situation just skeeved me out. For crying out loud, he just stuck his hand up my vajayvay and now he's tooling around all spiffy like and greeting me like we're friends. Ewww!!! I know, it's probably just one of my issues and I'm okay with that. At least when I told V., he understood where I was coming from. At least he did after I compared to getting the prostate poke exam from the female doctor and then having her all dressed up and greeting him friendly like outside the office. It's always good to have appropriate comparisons when talking to men, you know.

Home Stretch

2011-07-25T14:17:00.001-07:00

I hate the big lapses of time between my postings and wonder how people have something to blog about every day. It's not that I don't have things to say - it's more a function of the fact that I'm not near a computer when I have something to actually say and when I am near the computer, I'm too damn tired to say it.

That seems to be the name of the game the past week or so. I know, it's not unexpected to be tired in the last weeks of pregnancy. For some reason, that fact just hasn't been accepted completely by my psyche.

If labor was to begin like it did with I., it would be beginning a week from today. A week from today! And she was only 10 days early so even if I go closer to term, I don't have much time left. Probably just as well considering that by evening, I'm tired. Actually by the time I get ready in the morning, which is usually around 9-ish, my legs are already feeling weak. The rest of the day is just a function of me pushing ahead and doing what needs to be done.

With all that being said, I still feel so very blessed by this pregnancy considering the late start I got in finding V. and getting my family life started. There are so many women who can't get pregnant or have to go through fertility treatments or have had miscarriages. And here I sit, two for two with a girl and now a boy. Like I said, truly blessed. V. and I seem to be quietly pulling together - mind you, it's not a verbal conversation we've had - but I can sense it in how we are with one another and it's soothing. I didn't feel it when I was pregnant with I. but this time around, I feel this quiet bonding. I hope that it carries into labor and the early days of this new baby boy.

Today I purposely planned a I. and Mommy Day. A day with no to-do errands and no rushing around, just easy going and fun stuff today. We are hanging out this morning, catching up on some things around the house then we'll go to lunch at our favorite breakfast place for pancakes and bacon. Then we're going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie. I. is really excited and I'm happy about it too. Starting tomorrow she's going to Vacation Bible School in the mornings for the next 6 weekdays so this may be our last dedicated I. and Mommy Day until after the baby comes. This is still hard to believe and imagine. As it gets closer, it somehow seems like less of a reality rather than more of one. I guess it's may be just a function of a little denial and not wanting to worry about the labor and delivery.

V. is going through a stressful, difficult week at work so I'm praying that the baby won't kick things off at least until the end of the week at the soonest. Especially since V. will be out of town until Thursday night. Of course, as I type that sentence another contraction hits....

A Busy Week

2011-07-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

In theory you should start paring down activities in the last month of pregnancy but I don't think I know one pregnant woman who actually does that. I am no exception to the rule. It's not that I'm trying to run around like a nut. There's just a lot of things that I want to/need to be taken care of prior to the baby coming. I guess my personal theory is that I'd rather be running around getting things done now than when I've just had a baby, am trying to keep a 5 year old from bouncing off the walls, and am getting very little sleep. So with all that fun to look forward to, I push on in my quest of getting things done.

Last week I got the oil changed and new front tires. Can never be too safe you know. This week the carpet will get cleaned because the cat barf stains have accumulated and the last thing I'm going to want in the early days is a couple of strange men running from room to room with loud machines. That just doesn't seem to conducive for successful breastfeeding. Today we're picking my dad up for one of his Father's Day presents, which was going to lunch with two of us. Of course, that's after we go to the grocery store for a large load and exhausting lug-up-the-stairs and put away session. Of course, the pets require attention immediately in the form of Cat. His blood test results from last week were dismal and combined with a major weight loss in the past month, it's pointing to something lurking in his body. Tomorrow, I have to make 2 round trips to a specialty clinic for him about 35 minutes away so that he can undergo an ultrasound and we can have a consultation with an internist. I can hear the cha-ching right now. Throw in some regular appointments that keep I. and I sane (gymnastics class and therapy, respectively)and I've got a full week.

At least I'm not just sitting around obsessing about labor and delivery. I guess that's a good thing, right?

Weird

2011-07-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be an alarmist by any means but something was going on throughout the night and I'm not sure what it was. To start with, I was really tired yesterday by noon. My legs felt like lead and I didn't feel much like eating. Okay, I get it - I'm very pregnant and that's all probably very normal.

But then in the middle of the night I woke up with strange belly pain and it lasted throughout the night. It didn't feel like contractions, false or otherwise, so it was hard to describe. My belly just felt really sore, kind of muscle cramping especially in the top half of it and it hurt enough to wake me up and keep me up.

This morning seems normal enough. My legs do feel like lead again and I'm tired but I didn't sleep well either so that makes sense. The pain isn't there but my belly is rather hard this morning. The baby is moving and grooving so I know he is fine. Me? Well, I'm not so sure on that. I guess we'll just wait and see.

One Day At A Time

2011-07-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

My day at the spa was wonderful. I quietly hung out by myself, reading and relaxing, as I rested my feet in the whirlpool and hung out in the dimmed relaxation room awaiting my massage appointment. The massage felt really good but I have to admit that I am looking forward to a complete massage, not one that avoids all the feel good places that could trigger contractions. I hung out there for about 4 hours and drove home in the late afternoon when usually I'm putting Isabella in the bath and bed. The hubby and I also scored on 2 date dinners which is unheard of and provided a nice hang out time for us.

I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...

Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.

Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.

Mommy's Time Off

2011-07-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted. Time is flying by and it makes me nervous. So what's been going on?

Well, last Thursday we finally did my mom's Mother's Day present and I. and I took her by train to San Juan Capistrano to a day of a petting zoo, lunch, and browsing around time. She's a big time train lover so she loved it and really the day was wonderful. It was relaxing on all levels and we all just had so much fun talking, experiencing, and being with one another. Some times together are better than others and this was one of the really good ones. I wonder if some of it was because in the morning when I got up, I said to myself, "Today is going to be a fun day, a day of memories." I feel like that mindset helped me relax and just stay in the moment. I'll have to test out that theory on another day. Maybe I should start chanting that to myself when I go into labor?? Perhaps I'll find a substitute word for "fun"; that may be a stretch.

Sunday we enjoyed a nice bday celebration for my brother at my parents' house. It was so nice to be able to get ready for that day and be looking forward to it without worrying about my sister and her behavior. It's like night and day how I feel before going over to a family event now. I. spent the night there and will be there until I pick her up on Wednesday afternoon. She's been asking to spend 3 nights over there for the last few months so we finally scheduled it. I miss her but I've got to say that I have no problem entertaining myself. I know this is going to be the last chance that I will have for a few years to just relax and enjoy so I'm kind of going all out. Usually when she spends time with my parents, I use the time to get projects and errands done but not this time. Yesterday, I attempted to sleep in but the little guy had different ideas and started to do all his acrobatics around 7am. I figured he'd stop at some point, which he did, and that then I would try to go back to sleep. However, right after he stopped kicking around, the hiccups started and those can go on for 10-15 minutes so I gave up and got up. Went to the chiropractor, went to an early movie, did one errand, grabbed some lunch and then met my friend Terry for coffee at 2pm. Even though we've talked many times over the last months, we hadn't actually seen each other for 8 months or so. It was great to just relax and catch up. To cap off the day, V. and I went out to a fun, nice dinner. It was just all around a perfect kind of day.

Today I'm going all out and will be getting a massage in the early afternoon at a hotel day spa. I'm planning on maximizing the money by getting down there early and using the spa facilities and relax. It should be nice. I researched all the prenatal massages around here and this one not only looked really nice, they didn't gouge you like the other places did. No matter how good a massage is, it's hard for me to emjoy it if I'm being gouged. Except of course when we go to Vegas and go to the spa at the Venetian/Palazzo but you don't feel like you're being gouged because the facilities are so palatial and over the top wonderful, you still feel like it was worth every dime.

That's the plan and hopefully a cheap Taco Tuesday dinner at El Torito with the hubby tonight. When you don't get out of the house after 3:30 every single day like me, being out in the evening is a real treat. On the baby side of things, he has dropped much lower, which allows me to eat and breathe, but results in all sorts of groin and belly pains as well as a marked increase in Braxton-Hicks contractions. I probably have 25-35 a day now and they are starting to get strong at times. Officially, we're 4-5 weeks away but I think 3-4 weeks is more realistic. I can't believe it how it's right around the corner. Okay, better not think about it any more or I'll start getting stressed. On to my relaxing day....

Justice?

2011-07-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

How can I be a mother and not comment on yesterday's not guilty verdict? Based on the fact that there wasn't any physical evidence tying her to the murder, I knew in my mind that Casey Anthony would get off. However, in my heart, I was hoping beyond hope that there would be some justice meeted out for a mother who so obviously was involved directly or indirectly in killing her own daughter. If your child goes missing, you don't make up lies for 31 days about what has happened to her, go out and get a tattoo about how great your life is, and party it up like it's 1999. You just don't. And I think that every decent mother out there knows that those facts alone point to the fact that she did it. She somehow, with or without help, got rid of her own child.

The only comfort I can take is that in my professional past, all the people who were unethical and conducted themselves dishonorably eventually got what they had coming to them. My mantra when dealing with those people was "Someday I will stand by the banks of the river and watch their dead bodies go floating by." And you know what - every single one of them did float on by after they were exposed to be the exact people I said they were even though they had everyone else snowed.

I just hope that sort of thing happens to Casey Anthony. Even though she feels like she's gotten away with something, someday she will reap what she has sowed and a just punishment will be meeted out for her. I just have to believe that.

Productive Day

2011-07-05T09:42:00.001-07:00

I think yesterday was one of the most productive "home day" we've ever had. V. had a list of 3 things to get done and successfully completed them which is a miracle in and of itself. He is so unused to doing projects of any sort around the house because he's always been a renter/apartment dweller. I got a whole bunch of stuff done too as well and finally feel like the house is at a point where the baby could come and we'd be in good shape. Whew!

Now after hibernating together for 3 days, it's back to reality. You know, grocery store, laundry, etc. Including I.'s complaining and attitude. I know I can't be the only person to have a 5 year old who thinks that every day should be all about fun and gets pissy when things need to get done in between some fun. It's still aggravating to me. Hopefully this morning's complaints will taper off and the rest of the day goes more smoothly.

Close To Normal

2011-07-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I think we came as close to a "normal" family as we're going to get. It felt so good! In the morning we went to the gym to do a quick workout which allowed V. and I to talk by ourselves here and there. Afterwards, we drove out to La Jolla to pick up the suit I got V. for Father's Day and then decided to stop off at Iowa Meat Farms to see the meat that everyone talks about. This kind of trip is reminiscent of before V and I were married. On Sundays, we would venture out to remote areas of San Diego to educate him about this new city he was moving to. So yesterday's trip was kind of like that. We bought some yummy meat for bbq'ing in the afternoon and headed home.

Then we worked together to put together our early bbq dinner and sat down to eat together (indoors because it was a little too toasty outside). While this may not sound like a big deal, it is in our house because of V.'s schedule and I.'s early bedtime hour. The only dinner we usually eat together is our Saturday "linner" out. So to sit down at our dining room table and share a dinner at home is a special occasion.

In the evening, because V. and I had spent 2 whole days together, we started our usual "getting on the same wavelength" that happens when we spend time together. You know, like we'll say the same exact thing at the same time or he'll go to say something and I know word for word what he's going to say. He acts all freaked out about it but I know deep down, he feels as comforted and happy about it as I do. When you spend as much time apart as we have/do but still see evidence of that same-mindedness that brought us together and keeps us together relatively conflict-free, it gives a peace of mind and spirit that everything will be okay.

Holiday Weekend Kickoff

2011-07-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't have time to post in the morning as we were rushing around trying to get I. to her morning summer camp at her preschool Monday thru Thursday and then early gymnastics' class on Friday. We are going to have to get a whole lot better at this once kindergarten starts especially because we'll have to be leaving the house 30 minutes earlier and there will be 2 rugrats to deal with. Of course, depending on the new little guy's eating schedule, I may be up at 5:30 in the morning and will have no problem getting us out of the house early. So I won't dedicate much thought to it.

It was a good week, albeit a somewhat busy week. I did get a little quiet time some mornings while I. was at camp. I got my hair cut which is always a good thing and I got quite a few errands done as well. I may have overdone it the last 2 days though. On Thursday, I fit in 4 different errands (one was 25 minutes away) between 9:15 and 11:45, picked I. up from camp, met my parents for lunch before our last ultrasound appointment. It may not sound like too much (I didn't think so either) but by 4pm, I wasn't feeling very well, just so tired. It didn't help that for some reason, I. has been falling asleep about 1.5 hours later so her behavior was bordering on pissy and defiant. Yesterday, we went to gymnastics class in the morning and then off to the fair for the rest of the day, just I. and I. It was a nice time but it got really warm and by the end of our day, I again was not feeling very well. Heavy belly, tired, overheated - you get the picture. But it was fun to watch I. on one of the scary roller coaster ride; she was by far the smallest, was riding by herself, and purposely picked the very last car since it's the scariest one. She had a combined look of terror and pure joy as that thing whipped around. I was so proud of her daringness (is that a word?) and I laughed as she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

I was also proud of her as I watched her in gymnastics. The class I registered for got cancelled so the one that they put her in is actually 2-3 class levels above what she was in before. Not only is it 1.5 hours long instead of 40 minutes, it's so much more difficult than her other class. The other 3 girls have obviously been at this level for at least a couple of classes so I. is well behind. Yesterday was her 2nd class and she was shocking the teacher by how well she was doing. She's going to be one of those kids that does better when she is really challenged rather than get discouraged and give up. That inner fortitude and resilience is what I love about her. It's also what makes raising her on a daily basis so challenging.

I'm hoping for a family-building, productive weekend. We're not going over to my parents' house so that my sister can celebrate 4th of July with them since next weekend will be my brother's birthday and she won't be there for that. I think this is the first 4th of July I've spent at home. Isn't that weird? So off I go to kick off this holiday weekend...

Wonderous

2011-06-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

I just have time to say...

There is truly something magical and wonderous about waking up to the soft bumping and thumping of this little guy inside of me. While I may not particularly enjoy the grinding and hard kicking in my rib cage, waking up and feeling him softly moving around is amazing. The last few nights while I lay down to read before going to sleep, he's been getting the hiccups and it makes me laugh. This rhythmic popping feeling in the middle of quiet relaxation is neat. It makes the rest of the physical hardships worth every minute and makes me once again thankful that I got to experience this miracle not once, but twice.

I'm a lucky woman.

Father's Day Update

2011-06-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

I know tomorrow morning is going to be crazy so I thought I'd give a quick update tonight. It was a drama free Father's Day at my parents' house. Whew. My parents actually relaxed and enjoyed themselves, their kids (the two of us there) and their grandchild without worrying. My brother bbq'd the meal and I helped take care of the rest. Wow, is this what a normal family is like? I don't even know but I suspect it is.

Still nothing was said to me. Isn't that weird? So I brought it up with my brother while my parents weren't around because he knew I wrote it and he gave me the scoop. They took my sister to the fair yesterday to "celebrate" Father's Day with her and then she asked about today. They told her that because of the way she acts at events, I wrote a letter saying what I said so she couldn't come. I guess she flipped out and ranted and raved about it.

The bottom line is this and I told my brother this. I have no desire to make her feel bad or kick her out of the family. I only want her to act like a decent human being who doesn't treat everyone like trash and ruin all family memories. I didn't even think she would care and she probably doesn't care for the right reasons. But if this makes her look at herself and how she acts and she can change her behavior, then this will be worth it. Because I do feel bad - not guilty because I've done nothing wrong in this situation but bad because she was upset and sat at home knowing the rest of the family was together. I'm not an ogre but at this point in my life, I don't mind being the bad guy either if it benefits the majority of my family. It's a thing called consequences, a lesson that my parents never let my brother or sister learn and that they drilled into my brain incessantly when I was a kid. It's not a bad lesson to learn early on in life but in my sister's case, maybe it will be a case of better late than never. We'll see.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

We're back from vacation and hitting the ground running. Everything is unpacked, put away and one load of laundry washed, dried and waiting for folding. Today is Father's Day and despite my best laid plans, I am going to show up at my parents' house without gifts. Why? Because I ordered them on Amazon and yes, they were delivered. Unfortunately they were delivered by USPS and I had the mail on vacation hold to all be delivered in bulk tomorrow. Yes, my dad's Father's Day gifts for today will be delivered to me tomorrow. So much for thinking that 2 day shipping would automatically mean UPS delivery. I mean, if I want to make sure anybody gets anything within a week, I don't use USPS because it tends to be a crap shoot. Well, I guess they have a "special" agreement with Amazon. I just hope my dad doesn't get hurt by it. I mean he'll say he understands and it's no big deal but he tends to be sensitive about stuff like this. Oh well, I can only control so much in life, right?

V. is taking a nap right now before we head over to my parents' house because that's what he likes to do and it is his Father's Day too. This past week, I could tell he was making an effort to be more involved with I. without too much prodding on my part and I made sure I pointed it out to him and how much I appreciated it. This is not to say that he's standoffish with I. or uninvolved. I think it's a function of not physically being in the girls' lives for most of their lives and working so much during I.'s life. It's not that he doesn't want to be, it's more that he just is out of practice. To see I. thriving and basking in the daily daddy attention made my heart happy.

Believe it or not, still nothing was said about my letter about my sister to my parents. V. asked me yesterday whether she was going to be there tomorrow and I said I assumed (yeah, not good to assume I know) that she wouldn't be even though nothing was said and honestly, the best Father's Day gift for my dad is if she wasn't there.

The next two weeks are a whirlwind of fitting things into an already full schedule. It tires me out to just look at the calendar but I have to say that it is well balanced between necessary things and fun stuff. I'll just have to manage my energy level. The practice contractions are coming more often but I think that's normal. Due to the baby still residing right under my stomach, my appetite has gone way down. I'm eating when I'm hungry but I'm not hungry that often. As a result, over last week's vacation I lost 2 pounds. That's after not gaining any for the preceding 2 weeks. Yes, I'm a little concerned but it's obvious that I and the baby have grown over the last week and I'm taking my vitamins so I think everything is still okay. My OB appointment is this Friday so we'll see if anything is said.

Got to get I.'s presents for Bobbi ready and get us ready for the day. Hopefully, it will be a nice, calm Father's Day!

Part 2: Now the Fun Can Begin

2011-06-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

So after my soberer on the side of the tub, I had to suck it up and get I. To bed. As soon as I was done with that, I launched into my frustration with every vacation over the past year and a half being like an exercise of futility and furthermore, I hated this room. Yes, it was a mini nervous breakdown and not the way I envisioned starting our vacation but sometimes, you just have to let disappointment out. I asked V. If he would see if we could change condos, part of me not expecting him to. The reason why I didn't expect him to was that we had just unloaded the entire car up 2 flights of stairs in 100 degree heat and changing condos would mean that we would have to carry everything back down, repack the car, and then unpack and carry everything back up again in this heat. Even I wasn't sure if it was really worth all that.

But as soon as I got in the shower, he called and arranged for us to move condos the next day so that I could have the vacation experience that I and been looking forward to so much. All this for only an extra $100. When he told me it was taken care of, I got all teary eyed and gave him a big hug foe his generosity and kindness. He said if I didn't stop tearing up, he would call them and tell them to cancel it. Have I mentioned how uncomfortable V. Is with emotion? He is a caveman with a soft heart when it comes to me.

Anyways, here I sit on my patio with a golf course view, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet and being surrounded by nature. I have to admit that I do miss my adult beverage because that has always been a part of this evening patio experience. But feeling the warm breeze on my skin as the grass falls into the shadows and the tops of the palm trees become illuminated by the setting sun, it's soothing to my soul. I can't believe that tomorrow night is already our last night here. It just has gone way to fast. I've been enjoying and savoring the time I've gotten to spend with I. This week and have been busy trying to make memories of this last summer of being the only kid. We've played in the pool together, played video games, colored, and taken baths together in the huge jacuzzi tub. Very special moments to remember and ones that I will make a concerted effort to carve out for us even when this baby boy enters the scene. Today I could see that I. Was enjoying these special moments because she wanted to snuggle with me and a couple of times at the pool, she not only told me I looked beautiful but threw her arms around me and said wi a big hug, "You're the best and sweetest mommy!". How does it get any better than that?

I have to admit that the end of this vacation triggers anxiety in me because I knew when it was over, we would really be on the cusp of this new baby coming. It really scares me to be honest. The extra responsibility, the extra time and energy commitment, the inevitable changes it will bring into our happy little life. I know when I meet this little guy and see the interaction between I. And him, it will be wonderful but it still doesn't keep the anxiety from coming. It's probably just a function of how slowly I adapt to change. At least I hope so.

Off to a Rough Start

2011-06-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that the past 1-2 years has been rough when it came to having a truly enjoyable, relaxing vacation. It just seemed like despite all the best laid plans and hope, the trip would in some way involve stress and disappointment. This vacation did not get off to an auspicious start.

Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.

They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?

We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.

Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.

Part 2 "the redemption" to come...

Last Day of Preschool

2011-06-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my baby girl's last day of preschool...ever. Last year was tempered by the fact that she was going to preschool one more year. But this year, this is it. Thank God her kindergarten is only for 4 hours instead of the normal 6+ or I'd be in tears already. Still, school from this point on until college will be an every day event and the time of having full days to ourselves during the week will be gone. Hopefully I can hold it together this afternoon when all us mommas pile in to class 15 minutes early for the end of the year send-off.

On Monday we took a school friend of I.'s and her mom to Legoland with us using some free passes we had. I. had a good time hanging out with her friend and it definitely helped with some of the long lines we encountered. The mom is actually one of the few people I've met in the last year or two that I feel comfortable with and believe it or not, we talked the whole time about a bunch of different stuff. I know, I was amazed at that myself when I thought back on the day. By the time I got I. in bed, I wasn't feeling all that great - it was physically a long day and I definitely felt the toll of it. But it was worth it and I'm glad we got to go before summer vacation started.

This week is full of prep work for our vacation next week in Palm Desert. I'm excited to be going and hoping that it will be a nice, relaxing family hibernation time and that V. will get enough rest to help with I. when her sisters aren't there. The last couple of weekends, he really has been spending some good time with her one on one and I'm hoping that it will continue through next week. I don't know if this improvement is due to the warning I gave him a few weeks ago about the fact that on the weekends once the baby comes, he's going to have to step up on the help front. It's going to be difficult enough for the weekdays to be 2 on 1 for me; if the weekends start feeling that way, there's going to be serious problems. That's why I issued the warning ahead of time. The girls will be coming out for the last 3-4 days of the vacation (I think). I had to make sure I told V. so that he can warn the girls that I will NOT be sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room this year. I need a bed, a real bed to sleep in this year so they will not be able to hibernate in the king size bed(room) until 9:30/10 every morning. They may have to get up at the unearthly time of 8am. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page before we get out there.

Reading this over with all these warnings being issued, I kind of sound bitchy. Really though it's a function of being at a point where I need some of that leeway and special treatment afforded to others. I don't really get it offered to me so I have to assertively take it myself.

Going to "talk" (more like listen) to my mom today. We'll see if anything is said about Father's Day plans/the letter I wrote.

Making Memories

2011-06-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday turned out exactly as I had hoped for - a day of I. and I hand in hand exploring Sea World. I was enjoying all of it, even the fact that she and I could shortcut down the stairs instead of locating an elevator due to a stroller. The simplicity of it all because soon I'll be back in the land of logistics and equipment. Nap schedules, car seats, diapers and the such. I think I'm beginning to see why many people choose to have their kids closer together in age. That way you don't experience the light at the end of the tunnel and then have to go back to the complications of having a baby again. That was just not to be in our family plus we like to do things the hard way it seems. We are very consistent in this fact and in a way it defines us. It's V. and I.'s private joke so at least we get some bonding out of it.

Anyways, just to relish the day a little more. We walked hand and hand, had lunch together, watched the Shamu show with her little hand resting on my leg and her head nestled under my arm, and shared a big kiss at the end of the day. Then we went home, I got her in bed, and collapsed on the couch with a pounding headache. If you're not willing to pay the price, you shouldn't be in the game. The game of motherhood that is.

This morning V. and I. are going to preschool for their Father's Day breakfast of sorts. I. has been looking forward to it for at least 2 weeks and is really excited. I think I'm going to use the time to get a couple of smallish projects done around the house. Those smallish ones that get pushed to the end of the list but nag at you visually on a daily basis. Those projects that I'm just too tired at the end of the day to contemplate starting. If I get really ambitious, I may just wash my hair first and then do the projects while it's drying. Keep in mind, the breakfast is only one hour long so I probably only have a total of one and a half hours to myself. Maybe I'm being too ambitious. Me, too ambitious? Nah....

Random Friday Thoughts

2011-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

Early this morning I woke up out of a dream and turned over onto my other side in an effect to relieve pain. I was still kind of asleep and thought to myself, "What are those muscle twitches?" It took me some time to realize that those weren't muscle twitches in my belly, the baby was awake and kicking away down there. That was the first time that I forgot that there was a baby in there. It was a strange realization.

This week during our phone conversation, as my mother talked for 15 minutes straight about the strict diet that her and my dad were on, what they were eating, not eating and how many pounds they had lost, I thought to myself, "I am not going to miss not worrying about what I am eating, how many calories, what I shouldn't eat later on as a result of what I just ate and just generally being critical of my body." It's not that I'm eating like a pig or whatever I feel like eating while I've been pregnant. Not at all. It's that I can eat when I'm hungry and not analyze whether it's okay to eat when I'm hungry. It's sitting down and not being immediately aware of any roll of fat hanging over my pants. And as we all know, there's going to be lots of that hanging around after the baby comes. My mother has been on diets her entire life and she looks good. But I don't think that's been a good message for her daughters to have seen. My sister has eating disorders up the butt to complement her general bitchiness and obviously, I have some latent food issues. Makes me want to make sure that the focus of eating in my house is for health, pleasure, and moderation.

I'm planning on taking I. and I to Sea World for the day before the whole tourist season explodes (or I do, whichever comes first). When I told V. last night on the phone, he said, "You can't do that!" I've been so tired lately but there are things I've got to do now in case I can't/don't want to do them next month. Things for just I. and I. A few more memories of just the two of us, hand in hand, exploring. I know I'm going to be really tired tonight but at least it will be more valuable to me than being tired from errands and things on the "to-do" list.

Was That Really Necessary?

2011-06-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

My mother knows I'm a worrier by nature. Maybe not so much a worrier in the traditional sense but definitely an overthinker. I ponder things in my mind and sometimes go past that healthy line. Like things I have no control over or things that may or may not happen in the future. You know, like all those things that keep me awake in the middle of the night after getting up to use the bathroom...again. I wish my mind didn't quite work that way but on the positive side, it does help me to make wise decisions with very few past regrets. And if there are past regrets, most of them were due to a conscious choice I made and went into with my eyes wide open.

Anyways, back to my mom knowing how I am. At the end of our conversation this week, she says, "I thought I should tell you now that having 2 kids isn't just twice the amount of work, it's more like three times the amount." Did I really need to be told that? Really?! I mean she knows I'm already stressing about how I'm going to handle two kids mostly on my own so how was her comment helpful? I love my mother but sometimes....grrr. I'll just put that on the list of what not to do with I. when she gets older.

What's funny is that the letter I wrote my parents about the future family events went unmentioned. That actually doesn't surprise me all that much since my parents consistently avoid speaking of negative or uncomfortable things. Much better strategy is to bury your head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay. With Father's Day coming up soon, the topic will obviously be broached so I guess we'll just wait until that happens.

Pregnancy Thoughts

2011-05-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

I know that it's easier when the bun is in the oven than when it comes out. I get that. Part of me loves the miracle and experience of feeling the little guy moving around inside of me. But part of me, namely the inside of my ribcage, is tired of being pummeled and kicked to the point of pain and soreness.

Then I realize how quickly this pregnancy is coming to an end. I mean, we're almost at the end of May, then there's June and July and bang, there's August. I start having to take deep breaths at that point and start humming in my mind along with the chant, "It'll be okay, it'll be okay."

'Cause I know it will be okay but I'm just concerned about how okay it's going to be. I mean, I'm tired mentally, physically, and emotionally just dealing with my force of nature as a mostly single parental unit. To think of throwing a newborn in the mix exhausts me even further.

And it's not just that. It's the knowledge that comes with the consecutive children. With the first, you're more concerned with "I am going to be responsible with keeping this child alive." With the ones after that (and maybe it's just me who worries about this crazy stuff), you realize that keeping them alive is the easy part as compared to actually raising them to be humans with strength, resilience, and morals to do the right thing on a daily basis whether you are there or not. That's what weighs me down - the enormity of this parenting responsibility and my concern that I won't have the emotional stamina to juggle 2 little beings' development.

Maybe the problem is that I just think too much. Only time will tell.

At Least She Has a Sense Of Humor

2011-05-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

After throwing an object at me because she didn't like what I was saying and then crying at the top of her lungs in her room for 20 minutes (all this before 8:30am), I. says to me, "It's been a good morning, huh Momma?".

Then she erupts into gales of laughter because she knows just how ridiculous that statement is considering the angst that has gone on around this joint.

Well at least she has a sense of humor. That counts for something.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T10:06:00.001-07:00

I just read my post from last year's Mother's Day and was hoping for a better experience. I wish I could say it was, but it wasn't. Not even by a long shot. Am I disappointed? Surprisingly enough, I'm not. If anything, I'm relieved. Relieved that it's over. That bums me out because this was MY holiday too not just my mom's like it always has been. I waited a long time to be eligible for this holiday and to me, it is a big deal because it's a celebration of who I am today, what I dreamed of and what I worked hard to get to. And it was basically ruined. Now that I am delving into my feelings, I'm really, truly, and deeply angry under that feeling of relief.

It started before we even were seated at the restaurant. I. had to use the restroom as soon as we arrived so while the rest of our group (except for my mom and sister) were seated, we went to the restroom. That's where my mom and sister were. My mom was having an unexpected female problem and she was literally bleeding all over one of the stalls. I mean it was bad. When I. and I walked in, my sister was standing near the sinks with her usual ugly look on her face and wouldn't even say hello when I said hi. She just stared at us until I repeated myself. My mom asked her if she could get some wet towels so she could clean up the floor and stall. My sister held the towels over the top of the door and then started berating my mom because she wasn't immediately taking them from her. I told my sister to just wait a second and stop making a bad situation worse. This is how it all started.

At the table I was trying to figure out what we were ordering since we had organized this meal and was talking to my dad about it. My sister was across from me, staring, asked what we were thinking of ordering and then said, "I'm not eating any of that." So my dad asks her, "Well, what will you eat?" - a seemingly valid question to which she snottily and replies as though irritated, "I don't know." Then she says she just wants a piece of pizza and I told her that they didn't sell it by the slice that she'd have to get a small pizza and she said that everyone else would have to eat it then because she only wanted a slice. Fast forward to the ordering process where she asks for the pizza without cheese, no oil but bring olive oil on the side.

The pizza came before the rest of the food and it appeared to her that there was a piece of pizza with cheese on it, a very small piece of cheese. Well, she goes ballistic that she's not going to eat this, she's sick of ordering things and not getting what she ordered and that they need to make her another pizza. I mean, off the fucking deep end about a stupid pizza. Even though I'm sitting across from her, I start concentrating on I. and others so that I don't lose it and my parents are having to deal with it. If it had stopped there, the meal would have been salvagable but it didn't. Nope, not even close.

Because when the poor waitress shows up my sister basically shoves the pizza platter at her and starts telling her in this snotty, obnoxious tone what the "sky is falling" pizza situation is. She told her once but that wasn't enough. She said it 3 times increasingly raising her voice that "She wasn't going to eat it. This isn't what I told you I wanted and you need to go back, etc." And that's when I lost it.

I told her to stop treating the waitress like she was an idiot and that all she needed to say was that there was cheese on it and could she bring you another one without cheese. She started trying to defend how she was acting and I told her that it was embarrassing how she treated people like crap who didn't deserve it and that she was just the waitress not the one who cooked it and didn't deserve to be treated like an idiot. I asked her if she even realized how she treated people and finished with the fact that even I. knew not to talk to people like that. The whole time she just stared at me with no expression on her face which pissed me off even more so I said I needed to go outside. Because honestly I couldn't stand to look at her across the table one more minute (I didn't say that part). I. piped up and said she needed to go the bathroom so instead I took her and then came back. But the meal was ruined for me and having to fake it the rest of the day like everything was fine while pointedly ignoring my sister was exhausting.

For years I have struggled with my feelings about my sister. And when I say years I mean for the last 14. I have struggled with hating what she was putting my parents and entire family through, agonizing over the wrong choices she made and the pain she was causing herself, feeling guilty about how much I disliked her as a person. Always stopping before I said out loud, "I hate her." Today that guilt is gone and I have no problem saying it. It's a statement of fact. I don't think it probably jives with being godly but in the past much of my own struggles have been caused by all the "I shouldn't think, I shouldn't feel" statements that I would tell myself denying myself my own strong feelings.

Well no more. It brings me no happiness to say it but it also isn't causing me internal conflict. For my own mental and emotional health, it's the healthy thing to do. Right now, I need to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally so that I can be there to teach my young daughter right and wrong, support and love my husband, and provide the best possible start for life of my unborn son. And if that means I have to call a spade a spade, then that's what I'm going to do.

The Last Word

2011-05-03T09:21:00.001-07:00

It's amazing what it takes to put I. in one of her best morning moods in a long time - a leotard and matching skirt. She's been laughing, exhibiting sweet, good manners, and dancing up a storm this morning. No angst this morning and it's a relief. A big fat relief that I'm relishing.

What's funny is that the road that paved this involved a tantrum yesterday in a dressing room. Those are always fun especially when it involves a 5 year old who has at least 10 times the lung volume and stamina as a 2 year old. At least there was a door to hide behind.

I. has been taking gymnastics for about 5 months now and loves it. The other little girls wear leotards and I. wears sweatpants and a t-shirt. It didn't matter to her and she never brought up the difference so I certainly didn't. She tends to march to her own drum and not care if she's doing something different and I like that about her. But one day after class on the way home, she asked what the other girls were wearing and after a short back and forth I told her that if she wanted to get one, she would have to submit herself to "shopping" at the mall because that was the only store I knew of. She hates shopping (so do I for that matter) but agreed that she would go for the leotard. So off we went yesterday.

It was going swimmingly well until the very end. That's usually how these things happen. Just when you start relaxing and patting yourself on the back feeling good about how things are going is when they start unraveling before your eyes and you're standing there watching your kid sitting on the ground sobbing and wailing in public with you standing there in disbelief thinking, "What the hell happened?!" Ah, but I jumped ahead a little.

I. had picked out the leotard and then we just needed to decide between 2 skirts. Now mind you, she goes once a week and once kindergarten starts, I don't even know if she is going to be in a gymnastics class and these dance-ish clothes aren't cheap. So taking all that into account, I really just wanted to get 1 skirt at this time and then we'd go from there in the future once we figure out the longevity of gymnastics. Well, that's where it all started to fall apart. Because when you're 5, it's hard to make a choice between 2 things that you like. We went around and around, me remaining calm and trying to help her decide because that's what a good parent should do - use this as a lesson for the bigger choices in the future, right?

Problem was that I. is an intense kid - she feels everything times 10 and as we stood there in the dressing room, I could see the emotions building up. It was like watching a tornado coming at you and not being able to stop it, just deal with it. It culminated in her throwing herself down on the floor with the 2 skirts in her hands sobbing at the top of her lungs. I kept trying calmly and quietly to help her but she just kept getting more upset so that's when Mean Momma had to come for a visit. Mean Momma kept her voice low and slow and said, "If you keep crying like this, we will walk out of this store without anything." Then I started counting 1-2 and I. knew if I got to 3, that was exactly what was going to happen so the sobbing ceased with an abrupt intake of air, followed by rhythmic sniffing.

I'm not an ogre though and part of me was thinking, "Come on, it's only 1 additional skirt." At that point, it was too late to go there and really, isn't it always just one more thing? Maybe I am too hard-core but I suspect (and fear) that it's a big ole slippery slope that "just one more thing" mentality and it doesn't feed some of the character traits I am trying to instill in I. You know like gratefulness, appreciation, and contentedness. Those things are important to me and guide me through many of the decisions I make when it comes to I.

At the end of the day, I. picked one skirt and we walked over to get a frozen yogurt. It also gave me an opportunity to have a conversation with her about how in life we have to make choices every day and if she was going to cry about all of them, her days weren't going to be very happy. I asked her if next time I needed to get something for her, should I just go pick it out without her or did she still want to pick it out? She said she wanted to come pick it out and agreed that next time, she would try to choose without the crying tantrum part of it.

"Whew," I thought, "another life lesson taught." and was just getting ready to pat myself on the back when she looked at me and said with a sweet smile, "When I have a little girl, I'm going to buy her both skirts for her leotard."

Just shoot me now.

Challenges

2011-04-28T14:39:00.001-07:00

Today was a better day than yesterday but considering that yesterday involved me crying in front of people because of severe back pain, it really wouldn't take much for today to be better.

I hate to cry, period. I really hate to cry in front of other people and usually can be crying right next to someone without them even knowing it until my nose starts to run and I have to do that telltale .

But yesterday morning it was just too much. My back had been very strained the whole day before but I made it through it and the painful night. It was very sore in the morning when I got up and no matter how gingerly I moved, it was shooting pains left and right. Then I made the mistake of sitting down to eat breakfast and that's when all hell broke loose. My lower back started spasming and the sciatic nerve was shooting like knives down to my ankle and as the minutes passed, it kept getting worse. I knew that I needed to get upstairs and get ready and get to the chiropractor as soon as possible or I wasn't going to be able to move at all. Scary situation considering that I'm it when it comes to taking care of I.

I drove there whimpering in pain every time I had to turn a corner or go over a bump and by the time we got there, I was tearing up. Of course, I. was not being empathetic at all and was not happy about having to go to the doctor with me which just made me feel all that much more of a loser. An old pregnant mommy loser. Walked into the chiropractor, saw her face, and started quietly crying. Embarrassing. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not a blubberer or sobber. I save my sobbing for when my closest friend dies and I'm by myself.

She got things back in place somewhat and so today I'm just back to being in pain but not in agony. Big difference. The challenges continue to come. Today my car battery died when I picked up I. from preschool. Luckily a jump start in the parking lot and a couple of phone calls to AAA tonight resulted in a new battery being installed in the car at 8pm. which will make I. (and I) so very happy because we will still be able to go to the Wild Animal Park tomorrow. Hopefully my back will embrace the walking around and not punish me for being on my feet all day. I guess I'll find out by tomorrow night but until then, I will enjoy the time with I. while it is still just her and I.

Easter Survival

2011-04-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Easter turned out better than I expected which was a relief. This is exactly why I like to have low expectations and get pleasantly surprised than positive, pie in the sky, perfect expectations like my parents think I should have and wind up depressed and let down. There in lies the difference between us. I prefer my way.

I went in with no real strategy but one seemed to evolve while I was there. Basically the strategy is this: I limit speaking directly to my sister nor do I make any real eye contact with her. This seems to accomplish two things. First, she seemed to get the message to leave me alone and not try to engage me in conversations that cause me to have to bite my tongue (ie. how busy she's been going to the gym every day for 4 hours). And secondly, it allows me to stay busy and purposely focused on task of helping my mom make and serve the meal. It helped that my brother brought a guy friend of his with him that my sister apparently has a crush on so she was on her best "I'm kinda normal behavior. So we weren't subjected to her out of control, loud, obnoxious, rude behavior. That in itself is proof to me that how she acts isn't because she's mentally ill or that her brain is burned out on all the meth. Yes, I know some of that is true. But if it was the predominant cause, she wouldn't be able to turn her self-control and selfish behavior off and on like a toggle switch, which she can because I've seen it. It's a conscious choice just like the rest of us make daily, sometimes minute by minute.

Between the mental focus and being on my feet most of the day, I still came home from the afternoon exhausted though pleased that it went well and everyone had a good time without drama.

A Different Kind of Easter

2011-04-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.

Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.

I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....

Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Gee, Why So Tired?

2011-04-23T09:28:00.001-07:00

One screaming night terror, several non-screaming nightmares, two visits to the bathroom, burning pain in both hips, and lying awake with racing thoughts for an hour in the middle of the night.

And for some reason, I still ask myself the next afternoon, "Why am I so tired?"

Exhausted But So Worth It

2011-04-21T20:33:00.001-07:00

I worked at I.'s preschool today and boy did they work me hard! I was on my feet bent over the kids the whole time and my back was cramping up like a mo-fo and the baby felt like he was trying to crawl out the bottom of my abdomen towards the end.

On the way home from school, I asked I. what was the best thing about her day which I always ask on the way home from school. Without a second of hesitation, she yelled, "Mommy!" I didn't expect that considering the Easter party and fun had taken place today. But it made every bit of back pain worth it.

Being the Reason for a Good Mood

2011-04-21T09:17:00.001-07:00

This morning I. is in a great mood, a happy, easy-peasy mood. I'm so thankful for this mood because she is happily having a camping picnic with her animals in living room, complete with a whole story line. She's being imaginative, cute, funny, and is having a great time. I asked her why she is in such a great mood today (I know I could have jinxed it by asking but I was too curious) and she says, "Because you're going to be at school with me all day."

Awww, isn't that nice? Today is the Easter party at her school and I volunteered to help at her class. I like to help with her class, especially on holiday events, and I know she LOVES me to be in her class. I know my days are numbered for when she will want me in class with her but now with the baby coming, it'll be awhile before I'm able to do this again and who knows? By the time I am logistically able to do it, she may not want me to come to her school. I hope not. But now, she's thrilled that I am going to be there and I know when I walk in, she'll unabashedly give me a big smile and a hug and kiss and I'll file that away with the other memories of what makes my job as a momma so rewarding and worthwhile.

Busy

2011-04-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Time is flying by and I know before I realize it, the baby will be here and I'll be thinking to myself, "Oh shit, how'd this happen?!" Things have just been so busy and I swear the most frustrating thing for the last couple of weeks has been that I will attempt to write a short post in the morning unsuccessfully. Unsuccessfully because I. still has not been able to get tv, video game or coloring privileges back for more than one day for the past 3 weeks due to peeing in her underwear. When I took her in for her 5.5 year old checkup, the doctor said that we need to ratchet up the consequence of this behavior since my 3 day deprivation was obviously not working. So it went up to 7 days - she needs to be dry for a week then she gets one thing back at a time. Well, that has resulted in one day of tv privileges (1 hr.) and then she peed and lost it all over again.

It sounds like a good thing that she isn't watching any tv and it is in a way. But in another way it is a huge pain in the ass for me because she then thinks that my purpose in the morning is to be here entertainer/playperson. She'll play with something for a little while but inevitably it turns into "Look at me." every 5 seconds or when I'm eating breakfast, she'll install herself with her toy of choice right on the corner of table next to me, crowding me and requesting my attention. It's just enough to drive me over the edge some mornings. I think some of my frustration is that I was an only child for a long time and I played by myself for long stretches of time because my mom had stuff she had to get done in the morning. I didn't hang on my mom driving her nuts every morning. I guess maybe the baby will help with that? I surely hope so.

We got our new couches yesterday which hopefully will help relieve some back pain and they do look nice so I can cross that off my nesting list. The taxes were completed on Sunday night at 10pm due to the idiocy of an accountant who would not do his job nor seemed to even understand that it was his job to get me a certain form. I had our taxes done in February and was just waiting for this one form which believe it or not, he still hasn't provided but I had to go ahead and file without it and hope for the best. What an ahole! This week I finally got the other contractor to come back and clear out his excess materials and the old toilet that he so nicely left in the garage and it only took 3 phone calls to get taken care of. And I'm running full speed ahead on the kindergarten decision for I. this fall. We did 2 observations at 2 schools and I'm going to call and see if I can get one more at the public school we are on the waiting list for. Plus still trying to get the last bedroom put back together from the demolition. There's still so much to do but at least I've been able to cross some things off the list.

Gotta get to the gym so I have an hour to make the call to my mom to hear the latest news via monologue. This weekend is Easter and my brother and I are trying to take care of some of the things that stress my mom out. It's hard though because she tends to refuse help and then falls apart at the time or right afterwards. I don't want to go eat an Easter meal at their house when my dad is out of work so I want to help bring it over. The worst part is that my sister will be there and I have a growing level of anger about her that has been magnified by the fact that my parents have no money yet they are still supporting her financially and worst of all, she doesn't appreciate it at all. I mean, not even a little. Her attitude is "What about me? I want this, I want that, give it to me now." In a 2 year old, it's annoying. In a 28 year old, it's almost unbearable. I've got to figure out some strategy of how to deal with her on Sunday because right now, I don't even want her to speak to me and I know that's an unrealistic expectation. Though not as unrealistic as you may think, because when she's around my mom, she tends to ignore everyone and monopolizes my mom - attaches herself to her hip and just talks nonstop about nothing just so noone else can get near my mom. Now I really need to get to the gym to work off some of this aggravation in a physical way.

Not Perfect But Okay

2011-04-15T09:07:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post before we're off to do an observation at a very expensive school that I suspect would be the perfect one for I. Why does it always happen that way? But I digress... Dr. Laura had a video post from a mom who was lamenting how hard it was to be a stay at home mom when her husband had to work out of town 3 days a week. I thought to myself, "Three days a week? Wow, that would be a cake walk." Because it would be a vast improvement over what our last 6 years of family/work life have been. But the point actually wasn't a "my situation is worse than your situation" though it was tempting not to go there, just out of pure jealousy. The point was one that Dr. Laura made. That it's not just good enough to survive through it, though God knows there are moments where you do just that, but it's okay to say, "It's not perfect but it's how it is right now." Accept it and move on making the best of what the situation is. Things could be so much worse and I know that. I experience the "worser" situations in my realistic dreams and wake up thankful that it was only a dream. I see the "worser" situation in my parents' life with my dad unemployed and way too many high expenses. There are many other "worser" situations out there. My family/work situation may not be perfect but it's okay and hopefully one day it will get better. Hopefully before V. retires.

Firsts

2011-04-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

THEY ARE FINISHED!!!

This morning was the first morning in awhile that I didn't have to anticipate workers arriving at my house whenever they felt like, letting themselves in the house with the key in the lockbox. The first thing I did last night after they left was to go take the front door key out of the lockbox so now if someone wants to come into my house, they'll have to break in because I'll be hibernating for quite awhile. Another first last night - after I made my once a night traverse to the toilet (I'm relishing it because in a couple of months, it'll be three times a night), I didn't lie awake for an hour with racing worries and thoughts, a symptom of the chaos that has been surrounding me for the past month and a half. Now don't get me wrong - the work is not done. THEIR work is done and now mine starts. The fun part of putting everything back in the drawers, rooms, and closets begins as well as deciding what gets hung back up on the wall and where. But that's all doable and can be done in chunks of time. Not only that, it's something that I can spend an hour on and see a noticeable difference which makes a big difference in my daily life. It's all about the little things.

Bizarro House

2011-04-11T09:23:00.000-07:00

After a busy weekend trying to get the house put back together again, I got up early today since there was supposed to be someone here to finish (yes that's right FINISH) the last of the construction process between 8 and 9 am. Then the inevitable phone call came, you know the one that says, "Oh, someone won't be there until the afternoon. I'll have him call you to let him in." Uh, no don't have him call me; we're leaving in half an hour and will be gone most of the day. It will be a miracle if this guy and the plumber make it in this house this afternoon and that everything is really, truly finished. Yesterday V. got a very good taste of what life has been like in this house when he was home at noon waiting for the DirectTV guy to show up. I warned him, I really did about the frustrations of DirectTV because in the past, I've been the one to deal with them. I don't know if he thought I was exaggerating but soon he learned that I wasn't. When he made the appointment via computer, he requested the 12-4 service window. After it accepted this window, it sent him an email saying that the window was 12-5. That should have been warning enough. Here's the short translation: 12-4 means 12-5 which means 11am which means 3-4pm which in actuality translates to the guy showing up at 1pm. I thought V.'s head was going to explode trying to comprehend all that and I just had to giggle because this has been one of my frustrations for the past 2 weeks. Then, after all that, it turns out that we can't get a HD satellite signal due to a tree, a specific tree that is on the hill next to our house. How Google Earth can get a picture of someone's dog taking a dump on the street of San Francisco via satellite and we can't get one lousy signal into our home is beyond me. So now V. is distressed that he has a beautiful 55" HD tv on the wall receiving a shitty analog signal and I don't really blame him. That's on his list of things to figure out though, not mine. Thank God.

A Gentle Moment in the Chaos

2011-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I've been letting all this chaos in the house get me down, way down. I try not to. I try to keep perspective that there is light at the end of the tunnel and we should finally be back to normal by the end of this week, after a month of living in limbo. Some days I'm successful but most days I have not been. It's just that my santuary has been majorly disrupted for over a month now and I'm tired of it. The past 2 weeks, it's been worse with everything in the 3rd bedroom being moved into the living/family room. There are no couches to sit on, no space to move around. It's visually stressful. On top of that, it means that the only place for I. to be playing or otherwise is in my bedroom. The only place for me to read, rest, or watch tv is in my bedroom. This combination leads to my bedroom becoming a collection of toys and mess. Hmm, that sounds like the rest of the house, doesn't it? For some reason, you add the constant loud chatter of I. and I'm ready to blow. And when I say constant, I mean CONSTANT. As in without a breath, a steady stream of noise that never stops. It really never stops now because she's lost all tv, coloring, and video game privleges thanks to the potty issue, my other favorite topic. So the default for when these 3 things are taken away are me it seems. In the morning, I need some quiet time to drink a cup of decaf and read the paper. It doesn't have to be absolute quiet but just without an interruption every 5 seconds, asking "what should I play with now?" or "can you put this together?" I finally have to ban her away from me for a few minutes which sounds like a mean parent but I don't think I should receive more punishment than I. for the consequences of her choosing to pee in her pants. Yet in the middle of this storm, a gentle moment happened yesterday that I keep holding onto with the fervent belief that things will get better. As I laid in bed in the morning, in that quiet drowsy state of half awake/half asleep state, I felt several thumps in my belly, then nothing followed by more strong thumps. It was my baby boy saying good morning to his momma and it felt good. I've just got to hold on to that for the rest of the week and then hopefully things will start getting better.

The Weekend Debrief

2011-04-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, it's been a long time since my last post and I'm sure that all 2 of you have just been dying to hear how my weekend away went. Honestly, it wasn't my fault this time. Okay, Monday night I could have actually posted but the day was so aggravatingly lousy that I just didn't feel the excitement of the weekend anymore. Then Tuesday, all hell broke loose in the house (again) which resulted in my Internet connection and television/cable/DVR being ripped out of the walls without any hope of knowing how to put it all back together. On top of that, the living room, which is the only sitting area downstairs, was covered with a queen sized futon, a wide screen t.v., electronic components, furniture and toys. Basically, the room was trashed. Being that V. was out of town (big surprise there), the prospect of multiple nights sitting in silence up in my bedroom, the only room in the house left to sit in, for hours on end evoked one word to come out of my mouth. It had 4 letters and began with f. I'll let you figure that one out. V. came home yesterday and hooked up the Internet so at least I have connection to the outside world again and a place to vent my frustrations. I think that was the worst of it - having all these aggravations and nowhere to get them out. I also "Macgeyvered" the DVR to work upstairs in the bedroom so that's help retain my sanity. So, the weekend. It seems so far away after this week of "I need thousands of more dollars from you" and "Oops, I have no idea how to reconnect any of this stuff, sorry". But from what I can remember, it was great and thank God I had it before this week or it would have been an even worst scene around this joint. We lucked out on the weather in that it rained on the way up on Friday and then was sunny for the rest of the time except for Sunday morning when we were getting ready to leave anyways. On Friday, we walked around the downtown area and then soaked up some sun on the boardwalk at the beach. That night, we ended up seeing a movie which for us is a real treat and it was great. Saturday, we went to breakfast at the place we fell in love with last year and enjoyed it just as much this year. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, taking a walk on the beach, reading, and napping. Then we went out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant we found online that afternoon and it was fantastic. The surprising part was that V. actually told them it was my birthday so they brought dessert and sang to me. He doesn't do that but he did and it meant alot to me. Sunday after breakfast we had time to play cards and take a picture at a hotel that we took a picture in front of 10 years ago, the first time we came to Laguna. I'll have to upload some pics from the weekend separately. Then it was off to my parents' house for the family bday party, sans my sister, and it went pretty well overall. The best part of the weekend was hanging out with V. These days, it only takes about an hour of being alone to get back into our groove, which is a huge improvement from back in the dark days after Mark's death. We really are able to tap back into our friendship, that part when we just enjoy each other's company, not as husband and wife but as two people who truly, honestly like each other as people. After an afternoon of hanging out, we start saying the same things at the same time which we call "sharing a brain". V. says it drives him crazy but he says it with a smile so I know he's lying. These are the things that make the weekend away so necessary and special. I tried not to concentrate on the fact that this will be our last time away alone for probably 18-24 months because that makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed. We survived last time and I'm confident that we'll survive it this time too. It'll make the next weekend away something to really be looked forward to, that's for sure.

Weekend Wishes

2011-03-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Another long-ish delay in posting this week due to general aggravation and grumpiness. Thanks to many insurance phone calls, hassles, and requests for lots of cash, a tour of I.'s school for next year that not only upset me but pissed me off, and just little things that accumulated in my brain and overwhelmed me. You know, the usual M.O. for my brain.

But I am determined to leave all this behind for the next 4 days and just enjoy myself, living in the moment. Because this weekend is my birthday, my 41st birthday. Thank God this one is not as traumatic and potentially depressing as last year's. I think a huge part of it is being pregnant. I mean, how decrepit can I possibly be if I'm pregnant?! Just don't ask my OB's office that because as I've already discussed, they seem to think those two things, decrepit and pregnancy, go hand in hand just fine. But in my mind they don't and this is my weekend, so screw them.

I'm taking I. to my parents' house today and of course I've got way too many errands and other things crammed into this afternoon so we'll see what I actually get done. However, then I've scehduled a massage to kick off the festivities and really get in the mood for fun. V. won't be home til late though he won't say why. All he'll say is, "I have to take care of something." I suspect that it has something to do with my birthday but I don't want to get my hopes up since last year, there was no card or present though we still had a good time in Laguna Beach and yes, going there was a present; it's just that I did all the planning, packing, and researching for it so in my fickle mind, that doesn't count as a present from him. We'll see if this year is different.

Tomorrow V. and I are going to head up to Laguna Beach (the same quirky place as last year) for the weekend. This will be our last alone trip for awhile. The weather is going to be a little iffy so we're just going to have to play it by ear but I'm hoping for alot of relaxation, walking on the beach, and laughter. Sunday we return to my parents' house for a birthday bbq (Sunday is my actual birthday), hopefully well rested and rejuvenated. It'll just be nice to be off of momma duty for 3.5 days and not have an alarm going off in the morning. Of course, if that early bird hubby of mine gets up at 6am every morning and wakes me up, I will have to kill him and dump his body over the patio railing.

Better get ready now and finish packing I. up so we can hit the road in a bit.

Magical Momma Day

2011-03-19T10:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was one of those magical momma days for I. and I. You know those days when you and your kid(s) really enjoy each other's company and have a stress-free, no meltdown day together - that's a magical momma day in my book. Well yesterday was our turn.

We leisurely got ready and went to Sea World and enjoyed perfect weather. Sunny with a cool breeze. I. waited happily in line for the Elmo's World rides and throughout the whole day, never let go of my hand. We laughed, relaxed, and talked. We enjoyed eating our lunch outside, talking about the social situations that arise at preschool and how to best navigate them. We snuggled close during the animal shows and enjoyed a sweet snack before we headed back to the car. Best of all, I received spontaneous hugs both for myself and the baby and quite a few unsolicited kisses. When we walked to the car, I. said "I had fun today!" and did a little happy dance.

These moments of just her and I are so special to me. I know just because another one is coming it doesn't spell the end of "her and I" time but it will make it more difficult and have to be planned out. So for now, I am enjoying every moment of easy peasy one on one time with I. and I can see she's enjoying it too.

V.'s Frustration

2011-03-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

After 3 separate phone calls yesterday to the insurance agent, our check was successfully cut at 8pm last night. I talked the contractor into starting work before the check arrived so he and all his hairy-assed friends will be here Monday, banging, sawing, sweating, etc. You get the idea. Yes, I am relieved that we are getting the show on the road but I'm not relishing having lots of men in the house. It's not a big house and between finding an area of seclusion for the parrot and trying to keep the anxiety level of the cats to a minimum not to the mention my and I.'s sanity, it is a daunting task. I'm just going to try to stay out of the house as much as possible. I think that would be best for everyone.

Last night V. threw a mock tantrum about having to continue delaying the hanging of the big screen television that we got for free for his airplane mileage. It's been here since the very beginning of March and I take it that it bothers him to see it sitting there taunting him with its presence. For being such a rational guy, he turns completely illogical on this topic and wants to begin hanging a flat screen in the girls' room - the room without a ceiling and half its walls. The one that men are going to be reconstructing and painting and he wants to hang a tv in there now?! So last night he just couldn't take it any longer and had to do something about it. He has been asking me for at least 2 weeks if I was going to call DirectTV to order the new HD DVR receiver and my answer has been a consistent no. Not because I'm being a brat but because I'm juggling many other annoying phone calls and don't have time to sit on the phone with DirectTV, who is worse than insurance companies, for 30 minutes which is how long I did last time I called. If he wants the HD blah blah blah, then he needs to take care of it. It turns out you can take care of it on the website so he merrily tripped on there last night thinking it was going to be this super easy task. I sat knowing that nothing about DirectTV is easy and just waiting for the frustration and tantrums to begin.

It didn't take long for the fun to begin as V. started to discover the joys of DirectTV and once that started, he just kept at it like a dog with a bone throwing verbal tantrum after verbal tantrum. It was quite entertaining for me and I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Finally, I sat next to him and we navigated the site together and got to the screen we needed to get to which still did not assuage his frustration because the whole time the site is telling us its going to be "free" until you get to the checkout screen and it then springs it on you that there will be a $6/mth lease cost. Well, that set V. off all over again and he was muttering about that for the rest of the time he was awake. The fun part is that to set him off now and watch the fun, all I have to do is mention the free $6 lease payment and his head will start spinning all over again. I'm going to have fun with this one. And trust me, he does the same thing to me so it's all fair and in good fun.

Today we are finally headed to Sea World to use our passes. We've been trying to get there for the last 3 weeks. Hopefully the strolling will help my back stay loose. Last night in bed, the pain got so bad that when V. left this morning at 4am, I gave up and slept sitting up just so that I could sleep flat on my back. I have to be propped up because at this point in the pregnancy, I can't lie flat but the only position that doesn't cause extreme pain is on my back. Sleeping propped up doesn't make for the most restful sleep but at least I didn't wake up feeling like someone was shoving a hot knife into my back and hip. I've got to be thankful for that I guess. However, the prospect of sleeping sitting up for the next 5 months is not a pleasant one especially when my sleep is so fragmented as is.

Beautiful weather today and a whole relaxing day just I. and I - that makes me very happy.

Why So Quiet?

2011-03-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven't posted for almost a week. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to post about. It was mainly because the things that were going on were highly aggravating and took up so much mental energy that I just could not bring myself to blog about them at night.

I think the key word for this week has been "overwhelmed". It was frustrating enough to be the middle man with the insurance people and contractor; trying to babysit necessary steps through the process in order to get the house put back together. And no, as of today, we still are missing ceilings and floors so that tells you just how successful my efforts have been on this endeavor.

Add to this insurance project the fact that the car insurance claim for when we were rearended is still not complete. The chiropractor has not submitted any bills to my insurance company. Meanwhile, the other person's insurance company is trying to get me to settle with them with a low maximum amount for doctor's costs. My fear is that if my insurance company cannot recover the medical costs from the other insurance company, they will come after us for the difference. With the medical event of having a baby this summer, I certainly don't want an unexpected bill arriving for something that wasn't my fault. So I need to nag the chiropractor to get their bills in for the last 2 months and call my insurance agent to see if this fear of mine is reality or make believe.

As though I didn't have enough insurance fun going on, my health insurance company decided that they were only going to pay $1.87 on the first trimester blood tests and leave the other $600+ for us to pay. Since we pay out the butt every month for this health insurance, receiving this bill from the lab made me say, WTF?! So I added that to my daily list of insurance phone calls that I so enjoy making.

On top of this mental aggravation, my back has decided that it's been way too nice to me since it last went completely haywire in San Francisco. My tailbone decided to not only twist in an unnatural direction but also tilt at an odd angle resulting in excruciating pain that lasts all night and all day. At night, it's like a horror show. The only position that feels halfway decent is lying on my back, which happens to be the only position that I'm not supposed to be in because it reduces oxygen flow to both baby and I. That leaves me rolling side to side with searing pain in my lower back and hips all night long. Not conducive for good sleep that's for sure. Daytime hours are even more of a struggle because life goes on - laundry still needs to be done, errands need to be run, I. needs to be bathed etc. When sitting, walking, and standing cause excruciating pain, it makes for a emotionally and physically exhausting day.

But I struggle through, knowing that the pain is caused by shifting pelvic ligaments and muscles making room for my little guy. I think I secretly hope that if I go through all this pain now, cosmically I'll be rewarded in some way. Immature and irrational I know but pain causes you to not think particularly clearly.

On a good note, I met with a doula yesterday and felt comfortable with her so that's in place and I can check that off my list. And next weekend is our weekend in Laguna Beach just V. and I and that is definitely something to look forward to. I'll try not to remember that this will be our last weekend for at least 18 months and just enjoy the break. God knows I could use a break from this house, from my projects and duties, and from being a momma.

Observation

2011-03-11T08:20:00.001-08:00

Today we're going to the Zoo with my parents taking advantage of my father being laid off (again). The weather should be just perfect and it'll give me 2 other people to divide I.'s focused attention and large number of words between. So that's all good. The only thing is that both my parents talk at least as much as I. does so usually by the end of the day, my brain needs silence. The strategy is to keep the 3 of them talking to one another as much as possible and I can mostly sit back and watch.

An interesting observation came up in therapy yesterday regarding being able to depend on others. She pointed out that it isn't so much that I don't have anyone, it's just that the few people that I do have are kind of hit and miss in the dependability arena. Like my mom for instance. When she says she'll come over at noon, it means 1:30 and presently I. eats dinner at 3pm (until Sunday when we change the clocks) so that means the "break" I thought I may get or the things I was going to get done don't because there's not enough time. V. and his demanding job obviously make it hard to depend on him for anything that falls between Monday and Friday. Anyways, I've just got to figure it out for when this baby comes and I. is home all day for those first 4 weeks or so. I certainly don't want to "farm her out" because that is our last month before she goes to school full-time but I am also smart enough to know that we can't all be in this house all day every day or one or both of us will go crazy.

I'm sure I'll figure it out but it would probably be smarter to form some sort of plan before those first few weeks of a new baby - the rigorous breastfeeding schedule, the lack of sleep, and the recovery from birth (which hopefully will be a VBAC). A good plan can help avoid nervous breakdowns.

New Developments

2011-03-10T19:37:00.001-08:00

We had another ultrasound for a few more "tests" and we passed with flying colors. I signed the decline form for the amnio so everyone should now leave me alone about that subject.

Here's a sweet pic of our little one. It's hard to see but that shadow in the background is its' hand and it's sucking its thumb. What's It started face down but decided to flip over and see what was going on. V. was there this time to see so it was extra special.

Then the tech said, "Do you want to know what it is because I think I'll be able to tell pretty soon." We said yes and prepared ourselves for a not so surprising, but still very happy, disclosure that we were indeed having another girl. Then she got this arrow going on the screen and pointed at something and said, "Do you see this?" Holy smoly, it looked like a penis. I thought we're either having a very scary girl or that is a boy. Well, thank God, it's not a scary girl. We ARE having a boy!

I still can't believe it and even though I would have been thrilled with another girl, this does add another dimension to this pregnancy. The first pregnancy was special because it was my first pregnancy. Even though this pregnancy is a miracle and the wonder of it all is with me daily, I know what to expect and so some of the mystery isn't there. But now that mystery facet is back because it's a boy. I. is happy and looking forward to wrestling with her little brother once he's old enough - that's kind of how I sold it to her and it worked. Of course, it helps that her place as my baby girl is now permanently hers with no sharing involved. Each night during prayers, she thanks God for our baby and it makes my heart so happy. Though V. won't admit it, he's excited about it too.

I was just sitting here quietly with the television paused and I think I just felt the baby move for the first time. I'm going to be 18 weeks in just a few days so it is very possible. I wasn't even thinking about it when I swear, it felt like I got bumped from the inside on my lower left side. I didn't feel it again but it was significant and different enough to grab my attention so I'm thinking it may have been the first feel. If I feel something similar again in the next couple of days, I'll know I was right.

We are so lucky. I am so lucky. To think that 10 years ago, I was so miserable that I no longer wanted to live and now I have a little guy growing inside of me with a beautiful, kindhearted little girl waiting happily to join our family, and a loyal, hardworking husband with whom I still have a good, playful friendship as well as a strong, loving marriage. I'm glad I made it.

The Doula Search Continues

2011-03-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I am STILL in search of a doula. I swear I am getting my ass kicked by doulas lately. When I found my original one at 9 weeks, I really felt instinctively that she was the right one. Then she ended up having to become a caregiver for her mom and she cancelled all her clients.

I contacted one of the ones she recommeded and after numerous emails, we finally settled on a day, time and place to meet. One problem - she never showed. Not only did she not show, she didn't email a reason or apology or anything afterwards. Being that the service you are paying for is to have someone dependable be there for you during the most painful and important time of your life, not showing up is a major faux-pas in my book.

So off I went researching more doulas online and found one close by with great recommendations from her clients. It took 2 emails and 1 phone message on my part until she responded. Then numerous schedule gyrations to set a meeting time only to have it cancelled the morning of due to her son's illness. Now I'm a mom, I understand and I'm not holding it against her at all. It just goes back to if she can't even make it to meet me initially, how the hell is she going to make it to my labor? So we're back to trying to schedule a meeting, now pushing it into next week. I don't know, it just makes me uneasy.

It also gives new life to an issue I knew I had but one that quietly percolates under the surface until situations bring it up and cause the bad feelings to start. The main issue is my self-convincing feeling that I can't really depend on anyone for help, that I'm basically on my own. Being that I'm married and my family of origin lives 30 minutes away, this plays on my mind and not in a good way. I try to chalk it up to negative self-talk and sweep it away but to be honest, there just seems to be a long list of examples that support this that is decades long. So perhaps it isn't my misconception, perhaps a good part of it is true and maybe I just need to learn how to look at it differently so that it doesn't affect me badly. I internalize it and translate it to mean that there is something undeserving about me and things go from there.

I anticipate when this baby begins its journey out of my womb and in that first month, there will be situations that will feed into this issue. That's why I want to address it now while my mind is clear and I'm getting sleep rather than try to muddle through it when I'm sleep deprived with surging hormones.

Good Place

2011-03-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts flowing through my mind this morning.

One full week under my belt of not being sick, not having my back out, not having a headache every day of the week. It had been a month since I didn't have something physically hurting 24/7 that was sapping my energy, both physical and emotional. This past week I felt good with a normal energy level and almost a lower than normal appetite level. Sure my back still is killing me all night while I sleep and still slips out of place whenever I sit at the kitchen table or on our couches, but you just can't have it all, ya know?

Thankful for not having 4 guys running around our house yesterday. We all needed a day off from that chaos. Today they'll be here in the afternoon. I anticipate phone convos with the insurance claims agent today so that should be fun.

Busy day today trying to take care of things. First I.'s gymnastics class, then chiropractor, then grocery store. A short rest before hitting Home Depot to buy a new toilet for I.'s bathroom and hopefully a fast run to CVS to buy some perfume for I.'s birthday gift to her Bubbi. Whew.

Last night was 3 nights straight of V. and I sleeping in the same bed together at night. It seems like my hormones have changed into less of a perfect insomnia storm and I'm happy about that. I have to admit it was nice to have the bed to myself just from a purely uncomplicated standpoint but mentally, I worried about it during the day and didn't like it. So I'm relieved that it seems to have resolved itself. Plus some of the good early memories after I. was born and home were the nights when we would get in bed with her sleeping in the bassinet next to us. She would snort and grunt as she slept, giving us the giggles as we laid there trying to fall asleep listening to the "piggy" we brought home with us. Those were magical times of wondernment, joy, and completeness and I don't want to miss those the second time around because V. has to sleep in a separate bed.

Gotta get ready to head out for the day with my baby girl. My first baby girl, my only first. Lots of those early days have been coming back to me the last couple of days and that wash of new love comes over me.

Beautiful Moment

2011-03-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

Wonderful, couldn't have gone better, unbelievable. These are the words/phrases to describe how telling I. about the baby went. I didn't anticipate it going badly but because she never has really asked about a baby, I wasn't 100% positive.

We gave her the gift bag with the shirt and she opened it up. Saw her name on there, saw the picture of the curly hair girl and the 2 cats and then pointed at the baby in the little wagon the girl was pulling. She said, "What's this?" I read her what the shirt said "I'm Going To Be A Big Sister." and then didn't say anything to give it a chance to sink in.

She kept looking at the shirt for a couple of seconds thinking about what I said. Then all of a sudden her eyes got really wide and she looked up at me with a big joyful smile on her face. I could see that she understood so I said, "Yes Sweetie, Mommy has a baby in her tummy." She was so happy and said, "But your tummy isn't big!" I said, "Well, it kind of is, you just haven't noticed because I've been hiding it." and then I showed her.

For the rest of the day, she was full of questions. In the afternoon, we read a great book that talked about all the things she was wondering about with pregnancy and she kept saying, "Tell me more about the baby." When I was reading to her tonight, she caressed my belly the whole time and asked if it felt good to the baby. It was just so darn sweet.

My heart swells with love and pride for her little generous, sweet heart. She is going to be such a good big sister.

I.'s Big News

2011-03-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

In the middle of this demolition zone, in just a little while, we are going to tell I. the news that she will be a big sister. Anyone who knows me knows that I have given this a lot of thought. V. makes fun of me, not in a mean way, because he can. But in life, there are a few important moments that can set the stage for future life events and you don't get a do-over on them. To me, this is one of them.

I ordered a customized shirt saying, "I'm Going To Be a Big Sister" with a picture of a curly haired girl, 2 cats, and I.'s name on it. I also have some library books on what is going on inside of my tummy to help I.'s inquistive mind understand what is happening and what will be happening.

Part of me is excited for her and what this will mean. I always wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with, make memories with, and have alongside her in life after V. and I are gone. Yet part of me is sad, tears in my eyes sad, because once this fact is out there, we can never go back to how it's been the last 5+ years. I'm sure V. chalks this up to pregnancy hormones and yeah, maybe some of it is. But some of it is that she is my special child, my first, and it's mostly just been her and I since she was 4 months old thanks to V.'s crappy travel schedule.

Nothing can take that time away from us, I know and I am so thankful for it because I think it has laid a foundation for our relationship for the rest of our lives. And let's face it, there is just something about your firstborn. It's not that you feel more love for them, it's just with the first one, everything is brand new, full of wonder, and an adventure all around because you really have no idea what to expect.

Misery Loves Company

2011-03-05T09:25:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was spent in the house being "chased" around by no less than 5 different people. In a 1300 sq. foot house, that leaves you approximately 1 room that you can hide in. Unfortunately, I had to "hide" in that room with a unhappy, rambunctious 5 year old and 2 highly aggravated cats. It was almost enough to make me wish I was secluded in the small downstairs bathroom with the obnoxious parrot - that's where I hid him for the day.

There was nothing but bad news yesterday it seems and by the time 5pm rolled around, I was overwhelmed. Actually, by noon I was overwhelmed and by 5 pm, I'm not sure what state I was in. Probably closer to hysterics because when I did finally sit down and attempt to watch tv over the din of noise and the circuit breaker tripped, due to all the loud equipment that is on in the house, I just sat there in the dark and started laughing. And not really a good sort of laughing.

The bottom line is that in I.'s room, all the flooring in the bathroom and bedroom has been ripped out and today part of her walls will be removed. Here's what it looked like last night when she went to bed:

Behind the plastic is a huge dehumidifier and 4 big fans trying to dry the place out. It's a mess.

The downstairs bedroom took a direct hit. Here's what it looked like after Day 1

Today they are going to tear down all the walls in this room. I can't even imagine the amount of noise that will be added to the already loud din of air purifiers, dehumidifiers, and industrial fans. It's sensory overload.

The reason for this post's title, "Misery Loves Company" is that V. couldn't comprehend the amount of chaos that was in this house yesterday. But this morning, he was wandering around the house muttering about "clutter" and "claustraphobia" and this is before the 4 guys get added to the mix and before the pounding, ripping, and yelling gets started. Oh yes, he will feel my pain of yesterday and I have to say I will get a sick pleasure of some sort from it. Last weekend I threw a mini tantrum about the level of clutter in this house and the couple of mini projects that he has put off for years that would help with the clutter. He had no idea where all this was coming from and reluctantly did one of the projects (it took all of 20 minutes). Yet after just one week of being home in the evenings (a very rare occurance), he is stressing out today about the clutter. It's not that I don't keep a clean house. It's just that the amount of pieces of paper, crafts, stickers, and Shrinky Dinks multiply daily and I. is like V. in that neither of them likes to throw things out. Better to just put them in a pile in the corner "just in case". This behavior drives me nuts and now it's driving him nuts.

So, we'll see how everyone fares today. Maybe more pics tomorrow.

Down the Toliet

2011-03-04T08:35:00.001-08:00

I finally download the San Fran pictures off the camera and was all ready to post about it when everything went down the pot. Or rather, didn't go down the pot.

Minor issue in the scheme of things was that I. out of the blue decided to start peeing in her pants again. No, we haven't told her about the baby so it's not a reversion back. There is nothing that has changed in the last week. It's just her usual M.O. of just getting lazy about going to the bathroom. Yes, I understand there will be accidents here and there. That's not what I'm talking about. What I am talking about is her wetting through 3 different outfits while we are at home within striking distance of 3 toliets. There is no excuse for it. She's 5 years old and is physically able to be potty trained as evidenced by a month plus of being dry. I've tried all the rewards programs, the psychological strategies - God knows I've had time to go through all them, we've been potty training since June 2009. Nothing has really worked so this time I thought long and hard and decided with her 6th birthday approaching this year and full-time kindergarten looming in September, the mean Momma was going to have to dole out some serious consequences. We talked about them and lo and behold, she was dry for 3 days straight until she wasn't, yesterday. So the consequences came down this morning and she's not too happy about it. Well, don't pee in your pants when you're next to a toilet and the consequences won't come down.

The major issue with things going down the pot, or not going down the pot, is that on Wednesday night before she went to bed, I. flushed the toliet and without anyone realizing it, it stopped up and began slowly overflowing. It did that for 14 hours until the next morning when I went in there and needless to say, it was a flood. The bathroom was underwater and a good 6 feet of I.'s bedroom carpet was like a swamp. Then last night, we went into the downstairs bedroom and saw this:

So needless to say instead of heading to Sea World for the day, we will be welcoming a water damage company in our home to begin the process of drying us up, tearing things up, and preventing future mold. Sounds like a great project to me! I haven't even finished up the auto insurance claim that continues to drag on and now it appears I'll have a new insurance claim to enjoy. All the phone calls, messages, forms, etc. Wow, I'm so excited.

What a mess. I woke up at 2am to go the bathroom and ended up not falling back to sleep for an hour because I was worried the ceiling would start falling downstairs. Ugh. Maybe it'll go smoother than I anticipate, I really hope so.

Slowly

2011-02-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

This adverb "slowly" accurately describes my recovery this week from the stomach flu. Just when I would think that my stomach could adequately handle some sort of food, it let me know very quickly and in a very unpleasant and painful manner that no, it was not ready. I wish it could just let me know ahead of time instead of tricking me with a random hunger pain and then punishing me after the fact. This type of trick had me wandering the house in the middle of the night in pain in search of something, anything that would get my bowels to calm down and let me sleep. Last night a truce was called and I actually got some sleep which should help make for a more productive day. I really don't think I can stand the suitcases sitting unpacked on the ground much longer. I swear they are beginning to taunt me when I walk by them but when you're seriously low on energy, you have to budget wisely.

Yesterday was my normal OB appointment and I ended up being bummed out for the rest of the day. I don't think that's right considering that everything went well. We heard what's it's heartbeat (a first for V.), my blood pressure was nice and low, my weight right on the money, and besides, I had those awesome test results from before. I figured it would be a really positive appointment. But no, of course not. After looking at my chart, the first question was, "Are you going for genetic counseling?" I asked him if he had seen how good my test results were and I didn't see a need to sit down and talk with someone unless some test showed something worrisome. Yeah let's sit down and have a negative, the-sky-is-falling conversation about risks that are not coming up in my results - what is the friggin' point of that?!

The doctor said okay but again reiterated that at 40, they highly recommend an amnio. I just simply responded, "No thanks." He said that was my choice but began reiterating the whole "at 40..." converation to which I stopped him with, "we wouldn't do anything no matter what the amnio showed anyways." That stopped him in his tracks and he said, "Well that's good to know."

Here's the rub: I picked this guy over 10 years because he was positive, cheerful, calm, and always in a pleasant mood. And now this time around, I've wound up with Eeoyre. I mean he says all these things pleasantly enough but it's just the fact that this is a wonderous time, a miracle of life and when I go into that office, it's like everyone is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and God forbid, don't say anything positive about how smoothly the pregnancy and tests are going. Don't acknowledge that - that may be way too much positive energy. What's ironic is that when I go to the place to get the tests done, they are very positive - "Oh, the baby looks perfect", "You're only 40, we have tons of 47 year olds running around here and most everybody's tests are fine." Because that is the reality. The majority of babies born to healthy mothers are just fine so why does the medical community concentrate on that 1%?

I'm hoping that once we've reached the point of no return, when all the tests are done, that these pointless conversations are over and they can start approaching this pregnancy as a happy thing, a healthy thing. I swear this is why people have home births, to circumvent this level of bullshit. Okay, enough for now of me on this soapbox.

Trip Tribulations

2011-02-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

Here's my theory - if I get the angst(s) of our trip out of the way in this post then the next post about our trip can be about the fun. I think it'll work. Plus, I really don't feel well enough to write about the fun we had and when I do write about it, I want to truly feel it. Okay?

As you can tell by now, I'm still waiting for that vacation/trip where at least 70% of the trip is positive and good and the other 30% is the stuff that happens when you have kids with you and you're not in your normal "routine" of things. See? I'm not greedy when it comes to my expectations. I'm not asking for a 90% perfect trip - just one where the good solidly outweighes the bad. Really, is it too much to ask? I guess lately it has been.

So here's what happened. The night before the trip, one day after I got my weekly chiropractor adjustment, my lower back went out badly. Add lugging heavy suitcases, plane rides, stress, and lots and lots of walking up the hills of San Francisco, and saggy couches and it became a perfect storm. Now I've had back pain since I was 14 and the worst of it is sciata pain that shoots down your leg and makes it almost impossible to walk. This pain didn't shoot down my leg (so that was good) but instead it had the same level, if not a little worse, shooting across my lower back directly out of my tailbone. It became so bad that I was mentally making contingency plans on the fly. For instance, as we were walking up the hills of Chinatown: "What would I do if my back went completely out right here?" and then I would figure out where I would stop, who I would call, etc. That lasted the entire duration of the trip though it simmered down a little the last 2 days of our trip. Just in time for.....

A horrible bout with the stomach flu. Oh My Gosh. I went to bed on Saturday night at 9pm because I was exhausted. We did alot of walking every day in the pouring rain and with a wind chill around 32 degrees so it was completely understandable that I was really tired. Oh, did I forget to mention (since I seemed to forget it myself last week) that I'm also pregnant. Hmm, maybe that made me a little tired too. Anyways, I went to bed at 9pm. and woke up at 11:30 with really bad stomach pains. I was up and down for the rest of the night alternating evacuations between orifices. I thought maybe it was food poisoning but I was sick all day Sunday and Monday too so it had to be the stomach flu. I was so weak and nauseous. The additional rub was that V. was too tired on Saturday to do anything so Sunday was our only day to do something in San Francisco as a family and it also was the only day that it wasn't pouring rain.

I decided it was going to have to be that time as an adult and a mother when you just have to suck it up and that's what I did. We went to Fisherman's Wharf, got some lunch, went to the Aquarium, and took an hour long boat cruise. It truly was mind over matter with my strategy being that as long as I didn't put anything into my stomach and concentrated on the cold air in my face, I may have a fighting chance at staying upright and not throwing up. It worked but came with the price afterwards of collapsing in bed when we got home and the next day's travelling home via taxi, subway, airplane, and car almost pushed things over the edge. Even today (Wednesday), my stomach is not keen on food but it's able to tolerate liquids which helps lessen my worries for the baby. I've been so dehydrated the last 4 days that the Braxton-Hicks contractions started up and that is never a good sign at this point. So I'm on the road to recovery but it's a slow one and it's hard to run around doing what needs to be done (grocery shopping, taking I. to school, etc.) when my energy is so low.

So the next post when I get the energy will be full of the good details and some of the pictures, though I didn't take all that many on account if the buckets of rain that were falling on our heads 4 out of the 5 days.

Valentine's Day Survival

2011-02-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

The survival of Valentine's Day. It was a day of angst for so long that it's hard to not feel that way about it still to this day. I felt myself getting irritated when several people asked I. or I what we were doing for Valentine's Day. Uh, I don't know, waking up and living?! I wasn't sure what the right answer was so I just shrugged and said "Hanging out." as though that wasn't something out of the ordinary. Not that I don't appreciate hanging out with I., 'cause I do but it's not like a special Valentine's Day event or anything.

I. and I snuck our cards into V.'s suitcase on Sunday before he left so he'd have them for the actual day. There was a "miscommunication" of sorts. Actually it was less of a miscommunication than just a little bit of wishful thinking and a whole lot of not listening on V.'s part. No, it didn't turn into a huge, pouting deal like it would have been 15 years ago or even 5 years ago but still, ya know it was Valentine's Day. I specifically told V. he was off the hook for flowers this year since we are leaving tomorrow for San Fran but that he was still on the hook for a card at least. That's where the selective hearing came in and what he heard was "You're off the hook for Valentine's Day this year." So there was no card from him AND he didn't take I. to get a card or have her make me a card either. So this baby mama got nada. This all came to light at the end of last night's phone call when I asked, "Did you find our cards?" and he said, "Yes, I thought we weren't getting cards for each other." That's when I clarified exactly what I said since he didn't bother listening to the entire 8 word sentence. So he was sputtering that he figure out something and I felt like saying, "Dude, the day is OVER." but I just let him sputter because I felt like he at the very least deserved that. It also didn't help that I went to the grocery store to get myself something special for dinner (i.e. an artichoke) and as I stood there in the long lines (why did I go to the grocery store on Valentine's Day!), I was surrounded by men with floweres, balloons, cards, steaks and lobster tails trying to make sure they were sufficiently covered for the day.

Next topic is packing for San Fran which must take place today. I.'s shouldn't be bad at all. It's mine that is going to be filled with angst I think. Why? Because my midsection is changing daily, actually hourly. Pants that "fit" yesterday may fit this morning and they might not. Pants that fit on Wednesday may not fit by our last day, Monday. On top of that, I have a very limited selection, I mean, very limited. It's going to be raining up there and cold for at least the first three days so it would be nice to be able to choose among pants that will give me the most protection from the rain. At this point, it's looking like I'll be lucky to even have a pair of pants in the suitcase let alone on my body. It's just that awkward time of too big for normal pants (for the most part) and too small for maternity pants. So this will make for a fun time packing.

Packing aside, I'm excited for our adventure beginning tomorrow morning. The apartment in Nob Hill is lined up and tonight I'm going to finish researching public transportation to the places we want to see. Then it's just a matter of enjoying ourselves. I am confident that we can do that.

Hoping for the Best

2011-02-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today has the makings of a tough day. Beginning yesterday, I. was fighting off some sickness and I was so happy when she immediately fell asleep last night. Then V. turned on the heat at 2:30am and forgot to turn it off, resulting in both I. and I roasting to death in our upstairs' bedrooms. The heat caused me to have stressful, scary dreams all morning. Couple that with the police helicopter flying low in circles right over our house at 2:45 am and to say that I slept poorly was an understatement. I woke up with this blasted headache - the 4th day of this stupid thing.

In I.'s room, the heat caused her to wake up at 4:17am as she informed me when I went in this morning. Even on a good day when she's not fighting off some random virus, this would not be a good omen. But on a day when she's already under the weather, this is a recipe for a perfect storm.

That being said, we're taking it easy today - no Sea World or the Zoo. Yesterday I was on my feet from 10:30-3:00 and it took a lot out of me. The last thing I need is to have another day like that today. Also, we've got our trip to SF to look forward to next week when we will be running around town all day (happily though). The only bad part is that it is supposed to be pouring rain the whole time except for the last day so that's going to add an unwanted component to being in a city without a car or the ability to get inside one (no car seat). I'm trying to make it just part of the adventure and hopefully can maintain that for all of our sakes next week.

So today, we're going to take care of a couple of errands this morning, much to I.'s chagrin (really they shouldn't take longer than 45 minutes total) including trying to find an umbrella in I.'s size for next week and a pillow to put in her sham tomorrow when her new bed is delivered. But in her mind, errands are errands and errands are all bad. In the afternoon we're heading to the library which on any other day would be cause for celebration. On a day like today, it was met with negativity and a "that's not fun" comment.

I.'s new bed is coming tomorrow like I mentioned and she is really excited. I am excited for her but so sad that the room is going to look so completely different than it does for the past 5+ years. There is something comforting to look in that room and remember when I was 8+ months pregnant with I. and putting her room together myself. I remember when I finished hanging everything up and constructing the closet organizer and I stood up, looked around, and thought, "Ah, perfect." But it's time and even if she wasn't finally ready for a new bed, she would need to be to get ready for the what's it so it is perfect timing. Yet perfect timing doesn't mean that it's easy or not bittersweet. In fact, in a way it makes it harder when you know it's time for something but still don't feel completely ready to embrace the change. I guess I just have to do it anyways and keep moving forward. There's no other choice.

Moving and Grooving

2011-02-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

So there you have it - the latest and greatest picture of our What's It. We passed all our tests with flying colors, all the body parts of him/her are in perfect working condition and my innards look great too and in pristine condition to nourish a baby properly. Felt like standing up on the table and yelling, "See, I told ya so!" but I thought it might be inappropriate considering that this ultrasound lady wasn't the one being doom and gloom with me.

I laid there for 20 minutes watching this baby do its thing. Sucking its thumb, swallowing the fluid and be-bopping around my uterus and the swell of love, tenderness, and amazement was almost overwhelming. Still is.

I'm relieved and happy. There is still at least one more look and see tests coming up in the next few weeks but I'm not worried. It's all going to be okay.

Pieces of Good News

2011-02-08T08:21:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I found out a piece of good news - the foster kitty that we had for 2 months was adopted this past weekend. That made our day and triggered the question from I. "When are we going to foster again?" I didn't tell her the real answer of "When I can finally sleep with your daddy in bed again." Two Fridays ago we tried the sleeping in the same bed thing and it was great until I turned off the light. Then V. started flipping and flopping and snoring in 20 minute intervals. Twenty minutes is pretty much the exact time it takes me to settle down and relax enough to have a chance at falling asleep so it was torture to say the least. Add to it the fact that I had to get up to go the bathroom almost every time (because in all honesty, how can one be expected to fall asleep when you feel like you might have to use the bathroom?) and you have a recipe for fright night. I fell asleep close to 1 am and even though I slept in a little, I still felt yucky. So until he can sleep in the same bed, I have to keep the spare bedroom open for him to sleep in, thus we have to wait on our next foster cat. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks, hormone levels will change again slightly and it will be easier to fall asleep. Gosh, I miss my herbal sleep aids and vodka tonics when it comes to trouble free sleeping.

On the topic of no herbal sleep aids etc., today is the scheduled appointment for the neuchal translucency test which uses an ultrasound to take a measurement of the back of the baby's neck to assess for Down's syndrome. They wanted to also have me go through a 30 minute genetic counseling session but when I asked if that was to discuss all the things that could possibly be wrong with the baby and they said yes, I said no thanks, let's save that for if the test results show any increased risk first.

It's really beginning to annoy me that the medical community is so completely concentrated on all the negative, bad, there's-a-slight-chance-of things in a 35+ pregnancy that they could squeeze any measure of positive joyfulness that carrying a child brings. It's enough to turn me into a granola crunching, natural birthing, water delivery pregnant woman. I'm being rude and sarcastic here - I know this is a gross exaggeration of women who deliver like this and trust me, I'm much closer to this camp than I am just letting the hospital dictate how my delivery is going to go. It's just that I don't want to come across as putting my fingers in my ears and humming loudly as I blissfully ignore the fact that the risks are higher for certain things than they were 6 years ago. I know that. I also know that risks are determined by women of all types. Not to inflate my view of myself, but my blood pressure is super low, I work out 3-5 times a week and have for years. I eat healthy, take vitamins, get enough sleep, and manage my stress well overall. What I'm trying to say is that my body is a healthy environment for a baby to be conceived in and grow in. So factor that into all those "risk factors" and get back, okay?

Now that I've climbed off my soapbox, I have to admit that I'm looking forward to seeing what the what's it is up to inside me this afternoon. If I have energy, I'll post tonight on how it goes.

Content

2011-02-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

It's nice when I. is in a good mood in the morning. It makes waking up and getting on with the day a pleasure rather than hoppung up a hill backwards on one leg. Well, I need to amend this immediately because I just jinxed it and she's having a hissy fit about something. This is what I mean by high maintenance. Everything can be going well, she's happy and then whammo, nothing really happens and she's pissy. It's like Braxton Hicks for her preteen/teenage years I guess.

This weekend the girls finally came down to visit, the first time since Christmas and V. told them about the what's it. They were really excited and I was stoked about that. It's different now than before. This time they are grown woman (almost 19) so it's a new level of excitement and interest than when they were 13. It probably helped that one of the girl's boyfriend's mother just had a baby last month and there was excitement surrounding that. I'm just happy that they are happy and the three of us were talking last night about the changes that have already occurred much to V.'s chagrin. I thought it was interesting that there was no comment from the ex. Many Saturday nights when they are here, she will speak to V. briefly but last night, nope.

I'm hoping that my sinus torture will be better today. Yesterday was much better than the day before so hopefully it'll all be over soon. My real concern is that I am prone to sinus infections so if this hangs on for too long, it would turn into one and then we'd have to deal with antibiotics and the what's it.

I'm looking forward to this evening with V. Today is Super Bowl and we have chips and salsa plus meats for bbq'ing during half time. It's fun to cook a dinner together as a team and then eat it while watching the Super Bowl together. It's the little things that add up to make the difference in marriage, at least that's my thought.

Grumpy Morning

2011-02-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

You would think after yesterday I would just be one big grateful ball of wonderfulness this morning. I should be, why aren't I? Shoulds just add to my aggravation so why do I go there? I don't know it's just like picking a wound that you know you should leave alone (there's that should again). I think I need to make a very concerted effort to remove that word from my dialogue today for everyone's sanity's sake.

Why am I grumpy I ask myself?

Because I still don't feel good from this virus thingy.
Because little simple things this morning seems to be elusive - the coffeemaker just stopped working for no apparent reason. It worked and then a second later it didn't. No rhyme or reason.
Because my oatmeal, that I make 5 out of 7 mornings the same way every day, exploded in the microwave for no reason. I didn't change the time or the amount so how does that happen? I didn't want to make it over again so I just scraped it off the inside of the microwave back into the bowl and ate it. I'm sure my unborn child really appreciated that.
I have not one but three splits on my fingers, right on my fingertips and they were burning all night long and continue to hurt. No matter how much lotion I put on, they keep splitting. It's a direct result of sickness being in the house since the weekend causing me to wash my hands a lot. Then of course, this bitter cold, dry weather is not helping.
On top of that, I'm just not a morning person, it takes me awhile to wake up and be sociable and until that time, I really don't like to converse a whole bunch and physically, I like my space. Today of all days, I. decides that she's going to color and play on the breakfast table leaning on me as I attempt to eat. She just keeps edging over until she's bumping up against me, completely on purpose, and I'm not joking it's almost pushing me over the edge not to yell "Get off of me!"
Before this, I let I. play about 20 minutes of Nick Jr. games on the computer before breakfast and as always, she gives me problems about stopping which is what always happens and this is why she hasn't played the games for awhile. Because there is ALWAYS a problem when it's time to stop. I guess the predictability of the problem annoys me more than the actual problem itself.

Okay, deep breath. I need to reboot this day. I need to go upstairs and get ready and maybe just having that physical space will give me enough breathing room. I sure do hope so because this day cannot continue on like this. I will make this a better day than the morning was.

A Good Day

2011-02-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

What a day. Lots of good that's for sure but still feeling sick from the neck up so I am one tired girl tonight.

V. and I went to the doctor for my 12 week checkup in hopes of hearing our what's-it's heartbeat. After the normal preliminaries, it was time. I laid back and he started rolling the microphone around. We all kept listening but we weren't hearing anything. He kept moving it around but still nothing. That is not a good feeling. He said we'd go and do a quick ultrasound right now to doublecheck everything so off to that room we went.

I wasn't panicky at this point but while I was waiting for him to type my name in the machine, I started getting nervous. He lubed my tummy up and started moving the instrument around. Immediately we could see the shape of a baby. The doctor chuckled and said, "Oh, it's a lot higher up than I thought it would be at this point. No wonder I couldn't find the heartbeat down there." He moved it around until it was centered on the screen and before we could even look for its heartbeat, out kicked a leg, punch went an arm, and the whole body leaped up in the air like "Look at me!" Unbelievable. I started pointing out the hands, head, legs, spine etc. before the doctor even started to and while he was trying to measure its length, it kept jumping around, kicking and punching. The doctor said "My gosh, this baby is really moving around!" I had a moment of maternal pride that this baby seems as strong and energetic as his/her big sister is which was followed by a feeling of exhaustion of what it will be like if I get two high energy children.

V. and I were chuckling afterward when I turned to him in the elevator and said, "I don't think the combination of you and I make calm, easy children." We had time for lunch together afterwards just the two of us and that was a really nice treat too. The whole day was a nice bonding time for us. Below is a picture of the littlest one percolating inside of me:

"Normal" Family Morning

2011-02-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

This morning was an odd morning in that we almost appeared like a normal family. V. got home after midnight last night and actually was still asleep when we tottered downstairs at 7. As I. watched her show and I read the papers, he got ready for his workday and then he and I. ate breakfast together as she talked his ear off. As I cooked my breakfast nearby in the kitchen, I thought, "This is what many families do every morning." I bet they don't even realize how lucky they are but maybe after reading this, they will appreciate it more.

I brought up our upcoming San Francisco adventure because I've been waking up in the middle of the night worrying about the hotel arrangements. Because V. will be up there for work, his hotel arrangements are made by an executive assistant up there and I know she has not been told that we are going to need adjoining rooms ,and for when. Being that that weekend is Chinese New Year, I'm concerned. So I mention all of this to V. and he says that he saw the flight arrangements that I made and "you guys are coming up on a Wed. and leaving on a Mon? You didn't think that through very well." I asked him when he thought we were flying up and back but he wouldn't elaborate. I said that I, in fact, had been thinking this trip through every night for about a month so I definitely thought things through. He forgets (how after 5 years he doesn't remember) that I. goes to bed at 4pm which means we aren't going to be able to fit in a whole bunch of things every day, which is fine with me. I don't want a hectic pace to things. Wednesday and Monday are travel days and I figured a couple of days of her and I doing things V. wouldn't particularly want to do and two days to do things together. Sounds reasonable, right? If anyone didn't think things through very well, it was V., which I think he realized.

I think it came down for him to a money thing. Maybe I need to start spending more money or something because I think he's gotten too used to me not spending money so when I do, he reacts with fear and trepidation. He said, "I thought the point of the trip was to take advantage of frequent flyer miles and free hotel nights." Well, we are using the free hotel nights, that is if he actually communicates with the secretary and gets it taken care of. The frequent flyer miles? Well, we talked about it and the cost was so low that he said to go ahead and buy instead of using the miles. So I did.

I reminded him that the point of the trip which I stated well ahead of time, was to fit in one last adventure of just I. and I and then I. and V. and I. We have the free week in Palm Desert but that's not an "adventure". I reminded him that on a normal basis, we don't buy her clothes, shoes, toys, DVDs, etc. We save those purchases for her birthday and Christmas, knowing that my mom will fill in the clothing blanks in between. I would rather save that money and give I. experiences that she will enjoy and more importantly will remember. Like the Disney on Ice, a movie here and there, a trip to San Francisco - stuff like that. I'm aware of the ticking down of the time when it's just I. and I during the day. Even when the baby isn't here but is common knowledge, it'll change things. For now, I want to just savor and enjoy these last weeks.

This morning, after I drop off I. at school, I'm picking V. up at work so that we can head to the OB/GYN for my 3 month appointment. We'll find out results from the blood tests last week and hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I just pray everything is going well with our little whats-it, the littlest of all Valdezes and that the pitter patter sound of its heartbeat stirs the well of warmth and love in both of our hearts.

Today

2011-02-01T08:23:00.001-08:00

Today is Mark's birthday which brings back memories of past birthdays. He always would take the day off from work because he didn't want hoopla about his birthday. That night he would go over to his parents' house for a homemade German dinner and a cutthroat game of Risk, his favorite game. No one else liked that game but since it was his birthday, everyone acquiesced.

I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.

Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.

Happy Birthday my friend.

A Mixed Bag

2011-01-31T08:17:00.000-08:00

We had a really good time at Disney on Ice. Our seats were good and it was great hanging out, my girl and I. I remembered sitting with my mother at this same location, watching Mickey Mouse on ice skates, about 35 years ago. Wow!

I. woke up Saturday with a 104 temperature and was sick all day. Needless to say, we didn't go to the birthday party and took it easy all day. V. played games on the Ipad with I. after resttime which allowed me to do my closet project. The inevitable one when you have to take all your pants out of the closet to make room for the small selection of pregnancy clothes. It had to be done because the time is drawing near when I'll have to be wearing these things. Yesterday was officially 3 months. I was excited about that until I realized that on the flip side that means I only have 6 months left before my life changes immensely. Then I got scared and sad too because it won't just be I. and I any more. I know it'll be great in a different way but you know, I'm just sentimental about it. All the pregnancy books talk about this swirl of conflicting emotions as being normal but that doesn't help with the confusing aspects of feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time. I still am not good with that though it seems like I get plenty of practice with it in recent times.

My mom said last week that she had to come up sometime this week to see I. and this afternoon is the only day that works. I. is really looking forward to it and so was I, thinking I could get some things done until I got an email from my dad saying that my mom, who is notoriously at least 30 minutes late, will try to be here at 1:45. 1:45??!! I. eats dinner at 3:00 and my mom knows that and with I. still recovering from being sick and having 3 tiring, consecutive days of school starting tomorrow, I don't want to get her in bed late. To me it's like "Why even bother?" especially if she doesn't skid in here until 2:15. This is why I can never and will never be able to rely on my mom for help. People hear that she lives 30 minutes away and say, "Oh, that's nice. She probably helps out alot." but no, not really. Not really at all.

I'm not going to dwell on this though because I have my last massage scheduled this morning. "Last massage" meaning it will probably be the last one that insurance will cover though I'm not sure since I'm still having problems from the accident on my right side. Well, we'll see but regardless, I'm going to enjoy it immensely.

Disney on Ice

2011-01-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

Well I survived the morning of returning Media and enjoyed volunteering at I.'s school. She loved it and kept giving me hugs and kisses. It's funny how she's such an independent kid (i.e. she has no problem separating and being away from me) but when I am there, she's so demonstrably affectionate. I like it so much and it's a real reward for me as a stay at home momma. What I mean by that is that because I am home all the time, she takes it for granted and doesn't act like that with me. But when I show up at places where she's used to being without me, she really lavishes the love.

This morning we are going to see Disney on Ice. I wasn't going to take her to it because she gets to go to movies, gymnastics, science class etc. Then she saw the commercial for it every morning and thought it looked neat. She asked to go maybe once but other than that she just watched. Then I got an email offer for $12 tickets and good seats at that. I checked out the regular prices and the cheapest nosebleed seats were $16. The seats that we could get for $12 are more like $30 and the fact that she didn't harangue me about it made me want to surprise her. Plus I am looking for opportunities to do things with her, just the two of us while we still can. I. is really excited and so am I.

Yesterday I was so tired from being on my feet for 6 hours straight yesterday and I'm still feeling it this morning. Looks like there will not be any resttime today either (hasn't been since Monday) because we have to pick up a present for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I am really, truly, and sincerely looking forward to sleeping in a little the next 2 days.